I have this affliction where in my mind, I want friendship, accomplishment, love and happiness. But in reality, I am alone, angry, unconfident and mediocre at best. Something is wrong.
For whatever reason, I have a preconceived notion that I know what is right or best in life. I don't listen. I feel as if I am not good enough to have around, yet I treat people like that. I'm lazy enough that I don't do anything, then when I feel like it, manipulate the situation in order to get what I want at that time, no matter what other people think/feel. I did that to my last boyfriend. He was supportive, nice, understanding, wanted the best out of me. And I felt I was so righetous in doing everything MYSELF and then getting mad at HIM for not complying. I hurt others before they can have a chance to hurt me. And I hurt them brutally. I want to change, but yet I get into this funk of "poor me". Poor me? My world is sh*t because I make it sh*t. I assume I'm sh*t, therefore YOU are sh*t, and therefore this life is sh*t. The people who care about me give me so many chances, and I blow it each time because I don't put my feet on the ground and get going where my head says it's going. It's unnacceptable. I've lost really good people in my life because of the way I treat them. Gone for good. I thought it was all my fault... and it is. Or in some cases, I think it's THEM when I'm the one who is not open and honest. I pick and choose my reality. Reality is NOTHING from the world I want to make at that moment in time. It's like I get so zoned in to my selfishness I forget about everyone else. Yet I think the only way to be with anyone else is to be their doormat. And then I get mad and dump them? Use use use, take take take. No wonder I am f***ed up. I get mad at my made up reality, but yet shy away from the real world. I live vicariously and know nothing because deep down, I don't want to and shut anything good in my life down. I think life is so bad and unkind to me when I have all of the opportunity in the world to make it so great. But deep down I don't think I deserve it and I leave a path of destruction behind me. I am a horrible person. But on my nicest days when the real me who wants to be open comes out, I am giving, caring and compassionate, and very sensitive. I've lost a really important and good person in my life because of my rotten ways. GONE FOREVER. I f***ed up big time, and I see these games in life, school, family only f***s me over and leaves me angry and alone. And that's pretty sad. To what detriment you ask? I have no clue. Except for the fact it's appalling I hurt myself and the ones I love. I don't mean what I say or say what I mean, it changes from person to person. I want out, but I can't stop. I am not even human half the time. I don't feel like one because I'm scared to be one. My only relationship was ruined because of my reactiveness, not understanding and thinking of ONLY the negative when he was basically my best friend. He's gone now
For whatever reason, I have a preconceived notion that I know what is right or best in life. I don't listen. I feel as if I am not good enough to have around, yet I treat people like that. I'm lazy enough that I don't do anything, then when I feel like it, manipulate the situation in order to get what I want at that time, no matter what other people think/feel. I did that to my last boyfriend. He was supportive, nice, understanding, wanted the best out of me. And I felt I was so righetous in doing everything MYSELF and then getting mad at HIM for not complying. I hurt others before they can have a chance to hurt me. And I hurt them brutally. I want to change, but yet I get into this funk of "poor me". Poor me? My world is sh*t because I make it sh*t. I assume I'm sh*t, therefore YOU are sh*t, and therefore this life is sh*t. The people who care about me give me so many chances, and I blow it each time because I don't put my feet on the ground and get going where my head says it's going. It's unnacceptable. I've lost really good people in my life because of the way I treat them. Gone for good. I thought it was all my fault... and it is. Or in some cases, I think it's THEM when I'm the one who is not open and honest. I pick and choose my reality. Reality is NOTHING from the world I want to make at that moment in time. It's like I get so zoned in to my selfishness I forget about everyone else. Yet I think the only way to be with anyone else is to be their doormat. And then I get mad and dump them? Use use use, take take take. No wonder I am f***ed up. I get mad at my made up reality, but yet shy away from the real world. I live vicariously and know nothing because deep down, I don't want to and shut anything good in my life down. I think life is so bad and unkind to me when I have all of the opportunity in the world to make it so great. But deep down I don't think I deserve it and I leave a path of destruction behind me. I am a horrible person. But on my nicest days when the real me who wants to be open comes out, I am giving, caring and compassionate, and very sensitive. I've lost a really important and good person in my life because of my rotten ways. GONE FOREVER. I f***ed up big time, and I see these games in life, school, family only f***s me over and leaves me angry and alone. And that's pretty sad. To what detriment you ask? I have no clue. Except for the fact it's appalling I hurt myself and the ones I love. I don't mean what I say or say what I mean, it changes from person to person. I want out, but I can't stop. I am not even human half the time. I don't feel like one because I'm scared to be one. My only relationship was ruined because of my reactiveness, not understanding and thinking of ONLY the negative when he was basically my best friend. He's gone now
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