Why would a guy deny his feelings towards a girl he likes ?

There is a guy I have been seeing and he told me initially he doesn't want a relationship with me. I asked him again and he still did not. I cut things off between us, but we started talking again and I told him that I can't do this game anymore, I need stability. He said he was never interested in a relationship with me. The way he said it was so blunt and cold disregarding all of the emotional moments we shared. Several outside sources agreed that his actions did not come off as a guy not wanting a relationship, he fueled the fire with his intimate behaviors and gestures and constant contact with me everyday. After he said he wasn't interested for the last time, he started saying things like, "you should have dated that other guy when you had the chance" (there was a guy I was briefly dating when I cut him off# he told me, "I shouldn't have invested so much emotions at his expense especially because he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me" and he said "emotions will get you no where in life, no you know for next time you in involved with someone" he told me to "not be sad and forget about what happened" and tried to make jokes to cheer me up. I'm distraught. By his coldness towards all of this. I sincerely believe he is lying. Even my guy friends said either he is weird or just plain odd because the his actions were way too emotional for someone not romantically involved. Background info. He is white, I am black. I am curvy, a little smaller than the singer Adele. He is athletic. I don't know if any of that plays a factor into this, like could he have feelings for me, but I am not his type? I am an attractive girl #not to sound full of myself# come from a good family, in school. But socially we are VERY different. He is very social and typical like to go to bars, hang out king of guy. I am also very social and extroverted BUT in my own group of friends. I am a little more deep, I don't really like bars, and all that. I like traveling, and having sincere comfortable good times with people I feel comfortable with. I don't like that whole getting overly dressed to go to a bar and post photos on Facebook lifestyle. He is though. Do you think he actually doesn't like me romantically or is he hiding his true feelings for some deep reason? I'm not going to sit around and wait for him, but I am feeling very insecure right now #hence why I resorted to this# like Why didn't he want to actually date me? Its it physical, emotional, social? And yes we have hooked up fyi.

Any input would help. Thanks


Most Helpful Guy

  • I'll give you my experience with my current girlfriend.

    We met about a year ago, and were nothing more than friends. I assumed she was actually single the whole time because she mentioned that she had just gotten out of a bad relationship, but apparently they got back together at some point. I was single at that time as well, but was talking with another girl whom I ended up getting into a relationship with a couple weeks later.

    We continued to be friends and talk often, and she broke up with her boyfriend around February. Again, I didn't even know they got back together, so I didn't know this. I broke up with my girlfriend in April. Her relationship lasted 4 years, mine lasted 4 months. Anyway, afterward we continued to talk, and got together and hung out. She expressed multiple times an interest in wanting to date me. Eventually I gave in and said we could give things a try.

    She said she didn't want a relationship. I asked why, and she said she could tell I wasn't ready. Fast forward another month later and I said I was feeling ready, and she said she wasn't, which didn't make much sense to me because she seemed to be earlier. As it turned out, she had been hiding the fact that she was still not over her ex. She was just unavailable because of that, and she hid it well for months. Then eventually it culminated and she had a breakdown. She turned to me in this breakdown.

    Now, though, she sees herself as over him, they've not had any contact in a long time, and she said just a week and a half ago she was ready for the next step with me. The entire time I was fighting to get her, she was reciprocating feelings, making it seem as though she wanted me, but she kept that distance of not starting a relationship. She was also dating other guys, I knew that. We were just friends who had some dates form time to time. But she ended all those others and finally chose to move forward with me.

    So, perhaps the guy really isn't interested. Or perhaps he is, but he's fighting something inside that he's hiding, and until he's done with that battle, he'll be unavailable. Your choice is to either let go or to give it time to see what the real issue is - is he not interested, or is he just not ready at this time.


What Guys Said 9

  • it seems that he's been pretty clear about what he wants and even went as far as to tell you things very bluntly that would maybe get the message across. he probably finds you sexually attractive but doesn't see a relationship in the cards.

    you outlined a pretty good argument as to why a relationship probably doesn't work. you two seem to be very different personalities, do different things, think differently and hang out with different people.

    I think you choose to believe that there is more based on his actions because you want to believe there is more to this relationship...

    His actions speak to the fact that perhaps he wants a hook up and that is all and based on you description of the differences between teh two of you you shouldn't expect or really even want much more from the relationship

  • I think he actually doesn't like you romantically.

    I think he likes you as a FWB.

    I think he's been pretty clear about that.

  • He is not lying. He said he doesn't want a relationship with you. Believe him. Everything else, as conflicting as it is, can be put aside. He does not want a relationship with you. Move on.

  • All I see is a guy bluntly telling you he's not interesting in a relationship with you, and you ignoring what he was telling you and trying to change his mind. When a guy wants to sleep around, he's not going to get into a relationship. Naive girls that throw themselves at him and are hooked and willing to sleep with him, might get some action, but that doesn't change the fact that he "doesn't want a relationship". That's pretty clear. He was detached from you, and now that coldness is right in your face and you're still ignoring it. This is why girls get used... =|

    • I guess I am starting to get that now. Now that I know he is clearly not interested, my main focus is why? It is not like he is afraid of relationships he told me he almost dated a girl that he met before me, but why did he just categorize my as "un-relationship worthy" without even giving me a try? Could someone give me some reasons from a guy perspective?

    • People (guys and girls alike) that are emotionally unavailable/distant generally have some fear of letting themselves get emotionally involved. Something damaged them at some point, and they are protecting themselves. They are the only one that can say, I want to give it a try again. He's at a point in his life where he's staying completely detached from emotional involvement. He doesn't want the hassle of managing a relationship, he doesn't want to be vulnerable to any woman, he doesn't want to

    • be committed to anyone, or deal with any drama. His involvement with girls is sex and nothing more. Girls that are down for that get sex, girls who aren't can walk.

  • It sounds like you like him and he doesn't. That or he doesn't want to admit it first as then he would be considered the submissive one. Guys don't like to be the submissive ones

    • So I should probably move on? But what I don't get is why he would do things like cuddle, talk about his personal life, kiss me on my forehead and other cute places like my cheek, one time he left me in his apartment alone while he went to work and told me to sleep in instead of kicking me out. A normal friends with benefits situation he should have asked me to leave, but instead he told me to stay. I slept over his apartment, we text almost everyday, how could he not have feelings for me?

    • Also why would a guy go through ALL of that with a girl that he doesn't want a relationship with? I am just feeling really bad. I want to move on, but it is more so I need answers as to what I did that he just never wanted a relationship with me from the get go? Is it attraction? Personality? Race? I don't get it. It is making feel super insecure.

    • I don't believe in FWB. It only complicates things

  • If that guy don't want to be with you in relationship and also didn't respect you you should leave him .. and move on

  • It sounds to me that he was honest with you from the very very start.

    The fact that you chose to believe his actions meant something, is your problem. Too many girls share this problem too.

    Listen to the words coming out of his mouth. He doesn't want a relationship with you. That means that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

    Guys are not hard to understand. You just make it hard for yourselves, when you keep trying to interpret his actions and look for hidden meanings.

    Time and time again, you will find the simple truth - there aren't any.

    "I sincerely believe he is lying."

    Again, this is your mental problem. Not his. He has been nothing but nice and honest with you.

  • wow, the guy is as honest and brutally honest with you, as he could possibly be - and your reaction is to think he was lying. Guys, we just can't win...

    girl, you're crazy.

    He told you the absolute hard cold truth, and you're still looking to find some other hidden meaning behind his words. This is insane behavior . What does the guy have to do to convince you? He told you *initially* he didn't want a relationship. You asked again, and he told you a second time, he didn't want a relationship. And when you finally broke it off, he REMINDED YOU that he NEVER WANTED A RELATIONSHIP with you.

    Three times you asked. Three times he answered.

    What does it take to get through your head, that he never wanted a relationship with you?

    • Lol I know this is crazy behavior. I shouldn't have gotten my feelings involved. No matter how much a grl tries to hide it..once we fall, we fall HARD. It is clear now that he is no longer interested, but my new question is why? It is not like he is afraid of relationships he told me he almost dated a girl that he met before me, but why did he just categorize my as "un-relationship worthy" without even giving me a try?

    • You're still not getting it - it's not that he is NO LONGER interested.


      As for why - well, it's probably as you intimated, you're very different social animals. He's a hang out, bars kind of guy. You're an intimate with your friends kind of girl. That's not a good mix.

What Girls Said 4

  • Why are you still putting up with this from him? He's being very honest about his intentions, and also being a bit of a jerk too. He's not hiding his feelings. A guy has no interest in committing to a girl who will put up with a lot of bad treatment, essentially. His behavior toward you has at the very least been disrespectful, but has also just simply not alligned with what you're looking for. You putting up with it and hoping he'd change his mind just pushed him further away. '

    Do yourself a favor and leave. Tell him you'll find someone else who doesn't think your emotions are pointless. Have a backbone hun!

  • I went through the same thing you are going through for 18 years. I'm mixed, he's white and I wondered the same thing. He is lying, however he doesn't want a relationship with you because he has an "ideal" woman in his mind that he hasn't met yet. The guy I was dealing with is just now with his "ideal" perfect mate and it took him 15 years, the breakup of a 2nd marriage, and several affairs for him to get his 2nd chance with his Miss Perfect. She also has been through a 2nd divorce. Of course she's an althletic blond and I'm more like your physical attributes. As of 3 days ago, he's still lying to her about me. He has cheated on every woman in his life with me and still lying to this supposed perfect match for him. You are not crazy but I will say, continue to live your life while he's gone. Give him exactly what he thinks he wants and DO NOT lower yourself to being his side piece. It's all or nothing... period! Don't fall for the "let's just be friends" line either. Any man who can't be honest with himself, can not be honest with you or anyone else.

  • Guys generally mean what they say and say what they mean, despite how you interpret their actions and how they make you feel. He has told you multiple times and apparently in a blunt manner that he does not want a relationship, this is not what a man would do if he has loving feelings for a woman.

  • I feel your pain, hurt, insecurities. I have been where you are and it sucks. I am with you on this one... guys are saying that he is telling you from the beginning that he was up front you but the fact is... HE gave you hope in the beginning, he was caring and sweet and then a switch went off and he was the total opposite. GUYS all she wants is to know why he would do this, SWITCH ON, SWITCH OFF. simple question, and us woman would like to know.

    • OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH GIRL! FINALLY someone who gets what I am saying. I already have accepted that he is no longer interested, but my quesiton..what guys don't seem to get is WHY? Why would he do all this for NOTHING. It's upsurd to me. As a female, I would never put in extra work, concern, or care for a guy I only wanted to use for sex. This guy went the extra mile emotionally, and all of my friends (guy and girl) agreed, he did WAY TOO much for someone that only wanted sex.

    • I think if we actually could ever get a answer to the why do guys do this , we would have guys figured out and maybe that's why guys are so quick to defend the " Idea" that Men just do this

      Since I have been where you are, I'm going to say that the ' why" never gets resolved, unless the guy comes back after he had a fight with his ego.