Help, this problem has last for 22 years and I'm fed up.

[Anonymous]

[Sorry for the long story, I'm really suffering]

It's about my dad. He married my mom 22 years ago, he worked for only one year and then stopped working. So my mom's been working for 21 years to pay for our studying fees, our house rent, etc. She wakes up at 6AM, goes to her work and comes back at 3PM. While my father stays asleep, wakes up at 12PM and then he sits at his laptop. He doesn't help in the household chores, he does absolutely nothing and expects the best meals from her when she comes back. Aside from cooking, she has to clean the house after a tiresome day at work and help my siblings in their lessons.

I usually help her and I do my best at college as well. I want to get a job after that to help. But what did my dad do for her? Nothing! She buys all his personal stuff. He doesn't appreciate that, he treats her like sh*t and speaks with her disrespectfully. Why he is like this when he's never done anything for her!

Now I'm fed up, especially after I discovered something the other day. My siblings went to school and I stayed at home. My sister said that she's suspecting him. So when he left the house, I used his laptop and somehow, I could break into his FB account and I discovered that he was talking with 2 women, wanting to meet them. I was really shocked. I knew that my dad is bad, but I haven't ever thought that he would ever cheat on a great woman like mom. She doesn't lack anything, she's very beautiful, way better looking than him, very kind, polite with good reputation and she did a lot for him. In her work, her colleagues always compliment her.

The only reason she didn't think of the divorce, is because she doesn't want us to live without a father in our life. But he doesn't like us too. When we were kids, he used to hit us although we were little girls, he even burnt my sister's skin with a hot knife just because she messed up his teeth picks. She is still suffering from the trauma. He treats me a little bit better nowadays Because I made it to the university, probably he wants to use my money after my mom dies. by the way, my mom is very sick, because of the stress. He knows, but he continues making her under stress. Now he's using her money to travel to another country, he said he won't come back, but we can visit him if we want to, claiming that he wants to work there but I know he won't, if he wants to work he wouldn't stay without a work for 21 years. My mom can't go with him Because she has a job, she can't quite Because she can't guarantee another job there. I think I know my dad's intentions, he's waiting for my mom's death so he can take her money and marry another woman. My brother's died when he was too young, so we don't have a man to protect us. My dad doesn't care and will let us stay alone in this strange country.

If you ask how I view men now, Of course, I don't trust men at all. I don't plan to have a man and I intend to spend my life serving this great woman 'till I die. Don't blame me, what I have seen from my dad is enough to make me lose any trust I have for men.

Updates

+1 y

I'm sorry, people. I'm always a cheerful girl. I have never cried in front of people, they always think I live a happy-go-lucky life. I don't talk because I don't like getting sympathies. I put this sadness in my heart for 16 years because I believe a good girl shouldn't talk about her dad badly. I tried to speak with my dad about this in a polite way many times, but without any result. Sometimes when I talk, he tells my mom 'Your daughter is impolite, and a girl like her should be punished'

Updates

+1 y

but he doesn't hit me anymore maybe because I'm a grown up girl now.


Thank you, I could finally cry and write what I feel.


What do you think I have to do? does this man deserves any respect or anything from me? Do I really have to give him my money like what my mom does just because he's my "father" and I have to obey him?!

[madhatters4]

this is so sad and tragic. did your dad have a good father figure to look up? Essentially what is your dad's dad like because often times men just emulate their father figure.

I think since you are older you should probably consider talking to your mother. Telling how you feel and even probably about what you found online. I guess it's a good thing that he may plan on leaving the country and thus alleviating your poor mom of that burden.

It totally makes sense that you don't trust men. You probably shouldn't

This is such a tough situation. My mom was abusive (verbally), stole from my brother and I, lied to us constantly. I'm 30 years-old and I feel conflicted about things BUT I've essentially had to cut her out of my life (I still talk to her, call her, see her at times). It is hard NOT having her in my life...but it is impossible having her in my life

Unfortunately this man has done nothing to earn your respect. You have absolutely no reason to feel obligated to help him financially once you're done school (unless of course if you want to).

I really hope things work out for you. this sounds like a terrible situation for you, your sister and your mom. I wish all the best

[Asker]

Thank you for answering. I don't know how my grandfather was, because he died before my birth.

My sister told my mom about the online stuff, she was sad and kept crying for days and that why I didn't want to tell her. My father tried to deny that but we showed him the proofs I took. He apologized, and my mom told him that she will give him a chance since she doesn't want her girls to live without a father protecting them. He was OK for a week then his bad temper came back again. :(

[Asker]

He doesn't drink or anything but I don't know why!

I don't know if him going there will alleviate any burden from my mom. He might ask her to send him money too. It's really a shame, sometimes I don't want to tell anybody about that, but everybody knows that he doesn't work and depending on his woman.

I'm really sad about your situation too, I think it's sadder when it comes from a mother. Moms should be more kind.

[Asker]

I don't know if I can do as you did and cut him from my life too. I mean don't you feel guilty for doing that?

[madhatters4]

I definitely feel guilty at times. It's impossible not to; she gave birth to me, raised me, etc etc.

But she also did a lot of emotional damage that unfortunately many relationships probably have suffered. I realized when every time I spoke with her I'd be depressed/angry/frustrated for weeks after. All my relationships suffered as a result. I guess I just realized that sacrificing one relationship to make sure all the others were healthier was a good enough trade

[Asker]

Yeah I think you're right, avoiding her is better for you. But contacting with her and helping from time to time is a duty although it might hurt you but you have to bear it.

It's natural that it might affect your relationships, and that's why I try to avoid relationships, I don't want to be hurt anymore or hurt anybody with me.

I'm sorry for opening the wounds, I'm curious what she did for you and your brother. :(

[madhatters4]

no worries. she used to steal money out of our bank accounts when we were children. leave us at school (forget to pick us up) til 9/10pm. She accused me of being a whore because I told her I was in love and wanted to marry my girlfriend (I was 21). Lied about our family on too many occassions to mention (example: she told us our grandfather died before I was born. turned out the guy was alive til I was 10, found that out about 6months ago)... There's tons more but not enough space to type it

[Asker]

How sad! :(

Sometimes when I listen to these kinds of stories, I find it hard to believe that some moms can be like this. I mean at least she is different than the father, she has the mother instinct. But still for some people, the money makes them blind to see even their own sons.

Wow just 6 months ago? It seems she didn't tell you about your grandfather because she wanted to hide something. I hope she has her reasons.

[madhatters4]

yeah I love her a ton. She raised me to be moral, polite, thoughtful, etc etc. But and this goes for you, it's an everyday struggle to be in a relationship. not to let the craziness of my parents relationship tarnish or influence my future relationships

[Asker]

Yeah I hope you can do that and you get the best relationship ever.

But for me, I don't think I would get it, my father put me in a psychological disturbance. Seeing my sister still suffering from the trauma and she even can't talk fluently, I'm afraid from getting in a relationship with a guy who might show his true colors after marriage and harm my children and abuse them. I thought marriage is a way to make a family live a stable life, but it's not always the case.

[madhatters4]

those are all very fair concerns. the one positive that you could take and I always take, is that due to the turbulent relationship you have and seen between your mom and dad, so maybe you are better prepared to handle relationships (ex. noticing signs of problems, knowing exactly what you will and won't put up with)

[Asker]

I feel I can't, he came with a beautiful prefect mask, my mom's parents agreed on their marriage because they thought he's the perfect man for her. But that mask fall out after they transferred out of her country, away from her parents. She's a kind honest woman, how can an angelic woman like her understand this world full of lies?! How can I trust men? I'm sorry for the offense. :(

My dad left last week, I just hope she can take a break and stop thinking of him. But, I doubt it. :(

[madhatters4]

No offense at all...hopefully she can find peace with physical space. I've often thought to myself trust is like a new car. It's perfect and pristine, until that little scratch, nick or dent, and then it is simply a used car and can never feel new again. But does it mean that you can't ever have a new car? Each person deserves trust (to an extent) until the prove themselves to be not worthy of it. It's hard to ever be in a place of real trust if you can't look at each person like a new car.

[bosnianking111]

you seem like a really nice down to earth girl... the way you explained your mother was perfect, hard working lady who deserves respect and a helping hand from the male counter part ( father )



hun I don't know how to say this to you, but focus on your life, let your father be, if he wanted to he would of gotten a job a long time ago and would of been there for your mother and you and your siblings... your in your twenties now, focus on school and help your mother as much as you can, don't leave her side! On the other hand, I don't know how it feels to have a sh()ty father, because my dad was and is from a different country so there the men work and bring home the money to support the family, no offense but your father is a lazy f()ck who needs to better him self before it hits him and he finds out he was wrong for all the things he's don't to you and your lovley mother... if you need anyone else to talk to, just ask or something, its allways nice to sit some where and just realase it all out... good luck and I hope it works out with you and your father...

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer, sir.

Yeah I'm old enough to help her now and I'm trying to do my best to get better marks and have a job. But she still needs a man, especially because we aren't living in our own country, where we can find our relatives if we need help. I can feel how big is my mom's hidden sadness.

All the men in the country from which my father is, don't accept money from a woman and feel it's a shame and hurtful to their egos. But I don't know why my father is like this.

[pearl1979]

Your mom should have kicked me out a long time ago. That's bs!

[Asker]

She doesn't want to let us live without a father.

And I remember she asked him to leave the house when she discovered his online conversations and she was angry and sad, but he begged her to let him stay and he promised that he wouldn't be bad again and that he will find a work but he didn't.

[sisterray]

Is your dad in the mob? I had an uncle who would beat his wife and not work a day of his life sitting on the couch because he was in the mob. Well. That was his job.

[Asker]

lol by mob you mean Mafia?

No he isn't fortunately.He had a job before he married my mom but when he found out that being jobless is more comfortable & my mom's salary is better than his, he preferred to stop working. He doesn't beat her, he beat us when we were kids & I saw him hitting her 3 times but it wasn't a real beating. But he's verbally abusive and he put her and us in a psychological disturbance. Anyways, he doesn't have the right to lay a hand on her after all what she did for him.