Your parents divorce and your mom makes you believe the dad wanting nothing to do with you

You go through life being told by your mom your dad never calls, never writes, and abandoned you causing you to have a deep seeded anger and hatred towards your father. Your dad dies, you hear about it, and you can't help but not feel sad. Then one day, when going through his stuff you find baby pictures of you, pictures taken throughout your life that are obviously taken in secret, and returned letters throughout the years mailed and addressed to you. How would you feel towards your mom? Would you hate her? Could you ever forgive her? Saw this situation in one of those "pass this" type posts and it was heartbreaking.

No she's not doing this to protect you, she's doing this purely out of spite of the father


Most Helpful Girl

  • I wouldn't resent my mom because I know she was just trying to protect me. You think your dad is great and wait and wait for him but he never comes. He is too busy trying to hit on other girls or start a new family. I am only saying this because my classmate is 21 and he has a 4 years old daughter. I saw a letter his ex girlfriend wrote about how she wants him to be responsible and she is limited his contact with her daughter. She doesn't want her daughter to wait for dad to come at 8 am and only not to show up or come at 4 pm. :(

    My aunt also did this to her daughter. She kept mails from her daughter boyfriend from another country in hope that her daughter would be able to move on and have a family in the new country. It works. Her daughter ended up with a great husband and 3 beautiful kids. In some way it is really sad because her daughter was really in love with the last boyfriend but if she waited and waited and he never came (after say 35), then it kind of hard for her to move on and start over at that point.

    It is hard to judge because partly the parent is trying to protect their kids from disappointment because they (mother) have been through it.

    • I also wanted to note that my cousin has a kid with a lady but said to her that he was unable to have kids. She was made and didn't have in contact with his daughter at all. He only gets pictures. He still send her tutition money. In some way, I really can't blame the mom because he is getting close to 59 and hasn't stop dating one girl to the next. Thought he cares for the kid, in way, he wants to start a new family or meet more girls.

What Girls Said 13

  • That is the ugliest thing a mother can do. its wrong to use the kids as a weapon. I don't blame a kid if he hate her. But then again she is his mother and I have to believe at some level she had his best interest in mind. I would work on finding the strength to forgive her. Not for her sake but to free oneself of the anger one must be feeling.

  • This is actually an every day occurance where I come from. As ugly as I think a woman who keeps a child from his or her father can be, a father who wants to see his kids will go to the ends of the earth to make it a possibility. Fight it out in court, try to make the relationship work, anything. We fight for the the things that truly matters and only in the cases where the mother kidnaps the child and skips town does a father have a real excuse.

  • I think I could forgive her, but absolutely not at once. I'd be sad and angry and bitter for a long time before even the thought of forgiveness would exist in my mind. But ultimately I think yes, because she'd still be my mother and I'd still love her.

  • Honestly... if your father wanted to meet you that badly, could your mother really stop him?

    I'd speak to my mother and see WHY she did it. She was probably trying to protect you because she didn't think he would be a good father. MAYBE she was wrong, but can you hold it against her for trying to protect you? Yes, she lied. But I can empathize with her desire to keep you safe.

    I'd have to have a very serious conversation with my mother about it.

    • HOW do you know she's not doing it to protect you? Are you in her head? Have you experienced what she has? Do you know your father the way she does?

      Don't have tunnel vision for the sake of having tunnel vision, or being angry. I'd have to speak to my mother and give her a chance to defend herself. She is my MOTHER. She raised me... while the other guy didn't do much, and didn't try too hard.

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    • why do you keep pushing the subject? Do you need some sort of cofirmation to stroke your ego? Are you so dense in the head you don't realize its a hypothetical situation? I posted a question and I want it answered with a specific situation in mind. If you are to dumb to perceive that you're not one to be giving advice.

    • No... I'm exploring the situation, like you presumably wanted me to when you posted the question. I'm trying to answer your question, and then I'm wondering why you're throwing such a hissy fit when I do.

  • I'm 28 and never meet my father. I always believed he wanted nothing to do with me. I honestly don't know what I would do or feel if I found out if he were to die. I would be angry and upset if my mom lied about him and if I found letters and things of that nature I would have a very hard time getting over that. I would be confused and sad that my chance of ever meeting him was taking away from me. I don't know if I could forgive my mom, at least not right away. It would take along time for me to get over.

  • I think the person has every right to be upset with their mother for doing something like that. I wasn't raised by my mother and I was given the impression that she didn't want me. It made me very upset while growing up. But when I finally got back in touch with her when I turned 18 I realized that they person responsible for those lies was just being evil and had no idea that not trying to foster a relationship between a child and an absent parent was completely wrong. I hold no grudges because I have such a great relationship with my biological mother that I've just left the crap in the pass. I focus on building what we have now.

  • i would be incredibly pissed off! forgiveness would have to be earned back, very slowly.

    it sound like the father tried to keep in contact and the mother was being selfish and keeping the child to herself. now the child has lost every chance to ever meet the father. very sad situation.

  • My parents were never married but I had a similar problem where my mom wouldn't let my dad see me later he said it was her fault and my mom said it was for protection.Obviously wen you get oler your gona have a separate realtionship with them each

  • Honestly I would be very hurt and upset. I would ask my mom for her reasoning. I just wouldn't be able to accpept the fact that I was lied to all my life about my dad's true intentions to build a relationship with me. That is indeed heartbreaking, But God gives us the ability and hearts to forgive. So forgiveness would be in my heart.

  • Just forgive your mum, she may have not been well after the break up between herself and your father. Definitely don't harbor any hatred towards her. Some women can not cope with breakups with the father of their children, just sit down and have a talk to her and ask her why although your father cared about you enough to write did she keep it from you? Also explain that you wished that you had more to do with him before his passing and maybe even ask her if she could please talk about your father to you to make up for keeping secrets from you. Although you may feel angry, don't. Your mother may seem like a selfish and cold person from doing what she did. But it sounds to me as if she was just weak and hurt by the break up and couldn't cope. I think you should visit your father's grave and try talking to him every now and again and explain to him that you found the letters, you are greatful and that a piece of him lives on with you. Find emotional closure for yourself. The best thing to remember that it is not your fault at all, don't blame yourself.

  • I would feel hurt and lied to, but to be honest I wouldn't write letters back to him, he's either in my life or not... Why would he never visit? It sounds like dad didn't really care.

  • That happens a lot more than you think...of both genders which surprises people.


What Guys Said 12

  • Happens all the time.

  • Quite often, a parent will try to get over their feelings for their ex's by making their children believe that they were less than what they were. It helps them cope. It's very wrong, but so many people do it.

  • hatred begets hatred. To forgive to to save the world

  • this happens all the time and I would tell her she just lost a son

  • I would blame the mom for being selfish be quite angry with her. I will also loose some respect for her depending on the situation.

  • I'd immediately confront her, tell her what a pathetic and spiteful person she is, spit in her face, and break off all contact with her. And I'd never look back or see her again.

  • My dad's ex did the same thing. She talked had about him all the time to my older brother and sister, saying absolutely terrible things about him! Now my sister doesn't allow her mother around her family and never invites her, and my brother tries to keep out of contact with his mother. I wouldn't be surprised if they absolutely hate her.

    If that waa the case for me, I would be absolutely pissed and I would cut her out of my life! Nobody should ever lie like that, and I despise people who would do such a thing!

  • I'd never forgive her... NEVER.

    How could you? Besmirching someone's character is about the lowest thing a person can do...

  • she's evil

  • "Would you hate her? Could you ever forgive her?"

    Yes, and no.

  • My mom was a bitch but not that bad. I would kill her.

    • @ update...of course. People do not think well of the x spouses

  • I cut her out of my life, probably for at least a year, and let her see what it feels like.