You go through life being told by your mom your dad never calls, never writes, and abandoned you causing you to have a deep seeded anger and hatred towards your father. Your dad dies, you hear about it, and you can't help but not feel sad. Then one day, when going through his stuff you find baby pictures of you, pictures taken throughout your life that are obviously taken in secret, and returned letters throughout the years mailed and addressed to you. How would you feel towards your mom? Would you hate her? Could you ever forgive her? Saw this situation in one of those "pass this" type posts and it was heartbreaking.
No she's not doing this to protect you, she's doing this purely out of spite of the father
I wouldn't resent my mom because I know she was just trying to protect me. You think your dad is great and wait and wait for him but he never comes. He is too busy trying to hit on other girls or start a new family. I am only saying this because my classmate is 21 and he has a 4 years old daughter. I saw a letter his ex girlfriend wrote about how she wants him to be responsible and she is limited his contact with her daughter. She doesn't want her daughter to wait for dad to come at 8 am and only not to show up or come at 4 pm. :(
My aunt also did this to her daughter. She kept mails from her daughter boyfriend from another country in hope that her daughter would be able to move on and have a family in the new country. It works. Her daughter ended up with a great husband and 3 beautiful kids. In some way it is really sad because her daughter was really in love with the last boyfriend but if she waited and waited and he never came (after say 35), then it kind of hard for her to move on and start over at that point.
It is hard to judge because partly the parent is trying to protect their kids from disappointment because they (mother) have been through it.
This is actually an every day occurance where I come from. As ugly as I think a woman who keeps a child from his or her father can be, a father who wants to see his kids will go to the ends of the earth to make it a possibility. Fight it out in court, try to make the relationship work, anything. We fight for the the things that truly matters and only in the cases where the mother kidnaps the child and skips town does a father have a real excuse.
I think I could forgive her, but absolutely not at once. I'd be sad and angry and bitter for a long time before even the thought of forgiveness would exist in my mind. But ultimately I think yes, because she'd still be my mother and I'd still love her.
Honestly... if your father wanted to meet you that badly, could your mother really stop him?
I'd speak to my mother and see WHY she did it. She was probably trying to protect you because she didn't think he would be a good father. MAYBE she was wrong, but can you hold it against her for trying to protect you? Yes, she lied. But I can empathize with her desire to keep you safe.
I'd have to have a very serious conversation with my mother about it.
That is the ugliest thing a mother can do. its wrong to use the kids as a weapon. I don't blame a kid if he hate her. But then again she is his mother and I have to believe at some level she had his best interest in mind. I would work on finding the strength to forgive her. Not for her sake but to free oneself of the anger one must be feeling.
I'm 28 and never meet my father. I always believed he wanted nothing to do with me. I honestly don't know what I would do or feel if I found out if he were to die. I would be angry and upset if my mom lied about him and if I found letters and things of that nature I would have a very hard time getting over that. I would be confused and sad that my chance of ever meeting him was taking away from me. I don't know if I could forgive my mom, at least not right away. It would take along time for me to get over.
I think the person has every right to be upset with their mother for doing something like that. I wasn't raised by my mother and I was given the impression that she didn't want me. It made me very upset while growing up. But when I finally got back in touch with her when I turned 18 I realized that they person responsible for those lies was just being evil and had no idea that not trying to foster a relationship between a child and an absent parent was completely wrong. I hold no grudges because I have such a great relationship with my biological mother that I've just left the crap in the pass. I focus on building what we have now.
My parents were never married but I had a similar problem where my mom wouldn't let my dad see me later he said it was her fault and my mom said it was for protection.Obviously wen you get oler your gona have a separate realtionship with them each
Honestly I would be very hurt and upset. I would ask my mom for her reasoning. I just wouldn't be able to accpept the fact that I was lied to all my life about my dad's true intentions to build a relationship with me. That is indeed heartbreaking, But God gives us the ability and hearts to forgive. So forgiveness would be in my heart.
Just forgive your mum, she may have not been well after the break up between herself and your father. Definitely don't harbor any hatred towards her. Some women can not cope with breakups with the father of their children, just sit down and have a talk to her and ask her why although your father cared about you enough to write did she keep it from you? Also explain that you wished that you had more to do with him before his passing and maybe even ask her if she could please talk about your father to you to make up for keeping secrets from you. Although you may feel angry, don't. Your mother may seem like a selfish and cold person from doing what she did. But it sounds to me as if she was just weak and hurt by the break up and couldn't cope. I think you should visit your father's grave and try talking to him every now and again and explain to him that you found the letters, you are greatful and that a piece of him lives on with you. Find emotional closure for yourself. The best thing to remember that it is not your fault at all, don't blame yourself.
Quite often, a parent will try to get over their feelings for their ex's by making their children believe that they were less than what they were. It helps them cope. It's very wrong, but so many people do it.
My dad's ex did the same thing. She talked had about him all the time to my older brother and sister, saying absolutely terrible things about him! Now my sister doesn't allow her mother around her family and never invites her, and my brother tries to keep out of contact with his mother. I wouldn't be surprised if they absolutely hate her.
If that waa the case for me, I would be absolutely pissed and I would cut her out of my life! Nobody should ever lie like that, and I despise people who would do such a thing!