Is little ambition a deal breaker?

[MagicalMaria]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years now. He is 24 and I'm 22. We don't live together, I'm a student in my second last year of university, he already completed his education in college and is working as a security guard. I love him so much, but for the past 5 years he hasn't taken the initiative towards getting a career. I don't mean a high paying career, but just one that he and his future wife (not saying that will be me) can support his future family. I have doubts in myself that I could be the major financial benefactor as I am in chemistry.

About a year and a half ago, he applied to a different job in the air force (he is in an army reserve now, working about once a week for it). I thought he was making progress, but nothing has happened and I don't think it will since Canada isn't looking to go into war anytime soon. I don't think they will be recruiting too many people for now. About a year ago, I told him that when I graduate with my bachelors and go into graduate school, I would prefer for him to be at least in training for a career. I don't think he took it too seriously as he hasn't done anything to get a career. I understand he can't do anything towards getting the career in the airforce, but he also has a diploma for police foundations. Why not use it? Get some experience, move out of his parents house, and just grow up. He's too comfortable at home it seems. I don't know what to do as my parents have also been breathing down my neck about this even though they know I can't push him to do anything. It's not my place.

So... is his little amount of ambition a deal breaker? If he doesn't get into a career by the time I graduate... should I consider breaking up with him?

[kholland65]

Well I'm not really sure what you mean by your question. It doesn't seem like the right question based on what you really want to know. I think what you meant to ask is "not having ambition a good reason to break up with someone?"

First of all, make sure you don't have a too narrow minded view of what constitutes a career. Not everyone wants to be a lawyer, doctor, or accountant. Not everyone has dreams of making a million dollars. Some people are just content with being middle class and working a medium level job they like. It's your choice whether or not to accept the lifestyle they've chosen, but don't fault him because he doesn't have million dollar dreams. Just agree you are not similar.

You also need to have realistic and fair expectations of him. You said yourself you have doubts about being the financial benefactor to your family even with a bachelors degree in a relatively respectable field (it's not like you got a degree in philosophy). You either have to high of expectations of both him and yourself, or you're putting unfair pressure on him. Clearly you realize how tough it is to make a lot of money in today's world, so why is it you get to check out of that responsibility and he doesn't? Couldn't he come back at you and criticize you for the same thing and claim you aren't working towards any career that is lucrative and can support a family? I like to think you are not one of those girls who only subscribes to gender roles when its convenient for her, aka making her man earn money and support her.

Typically girls in your situation have boyfriends who never went to school, do nothing but sit on the couch, and work a minimum wage job. Your Boyfriend might not be the next steve jobs, but he at least seems to be doing something with his life. Your Boyfriend isn't a loser because he doesn't earn six figures or won't eventually. I have a friend who works as a heating & air conditioning installer. He makes decent money and is moving up in the company. It's no 6 figure job, but it has the potential to earn a decent living. He's hard working, and smart. He just likes his job and is content. Nothing wrong with that.

Generally speaking, yes, lack of ambition can be a deal breaker and in many cases is a viable reason to leave someone. However, in your case, without really knowing your boyfriend, it seems like your boyfriend doesn't lack enough ambition to really warrant an outright break up. Again, if he's just downright lazy, that's another thing, but I didn't really ascertain that to be the case in your situation. It just seems to me that your faulting him because he isn't working towards a 6 figure career.

[Modernman2006]

Great response

[MagicalMaria]

I am not looking for the man in the relationship to make a million dollars or have a six figure income, but I am also not going to be okay with him working as a security guard (or as they are negatively called, "mall cop") for the rest of his life. He doesn't get paid enough to support a family taking into account if I got a lower paying job (and not the six figure income). Two decent careers could support a family, but one job and one decent career could not.

[MagicalMaria]

And I should say that when I say support a family. I mean be able to pay for such major expenses as higher education for the children. I would like to live comfortably, but I don't mean that I have to be "rich". I know that isn't in my future and I am more than okay with that.

[kholland65]

You have such a twisted view of the real world. Your two incomes together would be more than the average American makes. I mean, if he's making $10/hr, yeah I can understand how you would want more from him. But if he's making $15-20hr or something and is content with his job choice, than there is nothing wrong with that. Again, I still feel like your putting the primary responsibility on him? Why can't he just do what he wants and you worry about earning enough to support the family?

[MagicalMaria]

For one it's 15$/hr, not 15-20. Next, he isn't content with his job choice. He doesn't want to be working there forever and what is the problem with having a better job than a security guard? I'm not asking for him to be a millionaire. And why can't I worry about that? I do, but that may not happen. I am planning to work alongside him and that won't change. I don't want him to feel like the woman in the relationship. My parents are already dogging on him about that. He tells me he doesn't want..

[MagicalMaria]

..that to happen, but yet, he hasn't done anything in the past 2 years. Not to mention, the majority of what he does at work is sit around and watch movies. Trust me.. I've been there many times. When life gets harder and he gathers more responsiblities... if he is as lazy as it looks right now, chances are I'm going to be stuck with the majority of the responsibilities. If he gets a career within the next year, moves out on his own. Then I will see that we are not headed in a bad direction.

[MagicalMaria]

I guess it's the laziness that bothers me more than getting a career. He sits around at home, then he sits around at work and hasn't changed for years. I guess I'm afraid that that's what he will be doing in the future. And thank you for making me realize what this was actually about. If that does happen, we will start to fight more and more and eventually end up breaking up. If it happens later in life then the breakup will be even messier. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from that.

[kholland65]

Bingo! I knew it was under there somewhere. $15 a hour at his age is actually more than most people can't hope for. I have a college degree and that's about what I make (I'm 24). Obviously he doesn't have much upward potential but that's not the point right now.

Like I said, your job is not necessarily to always judge him on his career choice or current earning power, but more so on his overall ambition and work ethic, in general, not just with his career. It's a personality trait.

[Theguyoverthere]

I honestly think you are taking your problems out on him that you are having with your family. He has a lot of qualifications and that is ambition right there. Plus, you're both pretty young and I believe the normal age people move out is actually 26. It looks like he is trying things out slowly but surely and honestly, stuff doesn't happen overnight. It's normal to have a period of kinda nothing going on after college.

[Anonymous]

I want to start off by saying I completely understand where you are coming from. And that does not make you a bad person or a gold digger either. You just want to know that a future is possible with him, and you are afraid to with his current situation you aren't sure how much of a secure future you will have. I have the same concern with my boyfriend right now.

I understand that wanting him to move out and grow up is important. But him living at home may mean that he is able to save up money so that he can support his family better in the future. That is something that I think you should ask him, how much money is he putting into savings each month? He may be able to save a good deal of money to put a down payment on a house.

I don't think it makes you a bad person for wanting a certain life style. It makes life easier. And you don't seem to be wanting him to support you fully while you do nothing, you are going to school and will have your own career. It's a very important issue that every couple has to face. And if you really can't live long term with his current situation and he doesn't have a desire to change it, then it's better to end things now then waste another couple of years to end up still not being happy.

[Nicci]

I definitely don't think you should consider breaking up with him, especially since you said you love him.

Thing is, you just can't really force someone into a career that they don't want to do, it's quite common for this generation of people to not really know what type of career they want, sometimes that takes time.

It's not uncommon for people to get into their 30s or 40s before they actually find what they really want to do.

You might have to accept that this is the way things will be for awhile, but this shouldn't be so important if you really care for him and he cares for you.

[satyam7487]

I agree with you nicci.

[harveykinkle]

I need to be with someone ambitious because I am as well!

[rocksongwriter]

What are your ambitions?

[harveykinkle]

I going to get a nobel prize or two.

[harveykinkle]

I'm*

[RaoAyush]

Ambition is never a bad thing. Talk to him and tell him about how you feel. Ask him to make a better effort. He should be able to pull his own weight. You've been with him long enough to question where your relationship is going and if he wants to marry you someday too, he'll have to stop sitting on his butt the whole day.

[steveguitar]

I have a cousin who got married maybe 7 yeats ago. She doesn't work, the husband works full time at costco. They have 2 kids, he cooks and isn't lazy. He isn't able to get into a higher position because he has a heart condition and is unable to take the stress. I have never been to their house, but they are living in Burlington, Ontario Canada or in the surrounding area and seem to be doing fine with 2 children.

[Anonymous]

wait a minute hold on here. 15 dollars/hr while isn't that bad. If he works 40hr/ week that's a good amount of money. If he's happy with what he's doing that's all that matters. He does need to move out of his parents house though. lol One day you may learn that money isn't everything. I could get paid 45/hr but if I can't stand the job then what's the point? Why not get paid 20/hr and love what you do?

[satyam7487]

You will just break with him, because of his career, how much he makes as a security guard? And are security guard looked down in canada.

[MagicalMaria]

15$/hr. They are looked down upon by most, but I'm not concerned about that. I don't want a future husband that is too lazy, and like I said before, has little ambition to better his family. If he is so comfortable now... I don't want to wait so many years for him to wake up. He even has marriage on his mind, but I will not marry him in these circumstances. And that hurts him, but he knows my conditions. I am concerned that if I don't end it now I will figure out that he will never change.

[satyam7487]

See I just want to say this if you really love him and he loves you don't break up with him, just because his not in a right career right now doesn't mean his not looking for one, at such a crucial time he needs you and you thinking of breaking with him, not fair, if he was lazy he woild not have been working as a security guard also. Rest is your decision.

[MichaelL]

Let the man do his own thing. Don't like it? Get to swimming.