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Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?
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| Posted A month ago |
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Category Behavior |
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Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?
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Too Much Love and Romance Too Soon
By the second date you both say, "I love you." By the third date you're talking every night for hours. By the second week you're writing love notes to each other on a daily basis. So where do you go from there? Only down.
Beth and Tony fell in love instantly. They were inseparable after one date. He bought flowers; she cooked dinners every night. He read love poems out loud to her. She always put love notes in his jacket pocket when he went to work.
Then one time he forgot the flowers. Beth was crushed. Then she forgot the note. Tony felt unloved. Resentment intruded into perfect love, and their relationship never recovered.
Too Much Commitment Too Soon
Volunteered, one-sided commitment signals desperation in a relationship. Men will do this, but more often, it's a woman who will take this step out of some mixed-up fear of losing a man if she doesn't, even though he's made no commitment whatsoever. She's ready to forsake all others without even being asked, just to prove her love, hoping this gesture will somehow bond him to her. It doesn't.
Gifts Too Soon
When you bring the element of money into a relationship, you put pressure on someone. If you're a man, she may misread your intentions and think you see the relationship as transactional, gifts for sex. Or, rather than being bothered by the gifts, she may come to expect an ongoing flow of them from you and be very disappointed if they're not forthcoming.
One man told me, "The minute a woman starts giving me valuable things, I feel pressured. She looks like a needy woman who's trying to buy love. When a woman gives me something expensive, it makes me feel as if an alien element has come into the relationship -- the element of dollar value as opposed to love and caring. I also feel forced to keep up in some way."
Also, no man wants to live the rest of his life with a spendthrift. Giving him an expensive gift (even for his birthday or Christmas) will just make him worry about how you'll spend money if the two of you get married.
Too Much Information Too Soon
One way both men and women often give too much is by telling too much about themselves right away. Who wants to know how your mother or father mistreated you on the first date? (Or on the third or fourth date, for that matter)
How Over-giving Suffocates Love
It's like over-watering a plant. You're not sure how much to water it, and your instincts tell you to nurture it, so you over-water it and kill it. Here's how over-giving can kill a budding relationship:
You'll come across as needy and desperate.
You probably won't get enough back, so you'll feel cheated.
You'll be ignoring your own life to help the object of your affection with theirs.
He or she will take you for granted and expect you to continue to do more and more for him.
In the extreme (see my "Did For Love" case), doing too much can change who you are until the person he or she was attracted to in the first place is gone.
The worst part about giving too much is that the other person probably won't just drop you. At least then you'd be free to start over. Instead, they will keep you on a string and not take you seriously, and you find yourself in "crazy love" relationship.
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