Confidence

They say that confidence is sexy, but what if you never had the chance to be confident?

All my life I'd been told that I'm fat, useless, talentless, weird, crazy, a freak, ect. I'd been told this by kids in my classes, random people I'd never met, and even family (and even people I once counted as friends behind my back when they thought I couldn't hear them). After being told these things after so many years, I believed it...every word of it. And before long, I didn't hear just from random people on a daily basis, but I started hearing it from myself almost constantly. Let me tell you, it's easier to tear yourself down then it is to let others tear you down.

Just before this last summer, I had hit an all-time low. I was so depressed that I was locking myself away, imagining my funeral, wondering if anyone would miss me...I can't remember how many times I just broke down in my room. It was becoming increasingly difficult to lie to everyone in my life, but no one noticed. That pushed me just a little closer to the edge. Before long, I'd wait to do the dishes until someone else was home (even if that meant getting yelled at and being called fat and useless) because I knew I wouldn't try anything. I knew that I wouldn't take the extra sharp knife and slide it across my wrist...believe me, I imagined it many a time.

But then I went away to college. At first I was no better off, then one day something changed. I started to not care so much about what other people thought....and I realized that I had a great guy friend who had called me pretty, held my hand, talked to me about anything, danced with me, spent forever trying to get me to ride a roller coaster with him, and gave me a hug every time he saw me (among other things) regardless of what I had been told all my life. I realized that there is someone out there who'd miss me. And then I realized that I had known these things all along, that he had been at every funeral of mine that I had imagined sitting with my friends and family.

I started to look at myself in a new way. I know I'm not a size 6 or anything. Being a size 13 really isn't that big of a deal (besides, my pants are all slightly too big). And I started to see that I can be pretty. I found it very difficult to think that, but I kinda started to see it. Before, there was no way that I could think anyone could like me as more than a friend, just because of the way I had grown up seeing myself, but now, I'm starting to see that my guy friend really might...maybe...may. (I don't want to jinx anything.)

I may not yet be confident about myself, but I'm slowly getting there. I'd had 18 years of no self-esteem. I didn't expect it to be an overnight change.