Incest/harassment or just kids being kids?

Question

Ok, I need help sorting out something so please respond...

When I was in middle school, my older brother (3 years older) used to masturbate in front of me. It really really grossed me out and disturbed me, and I used to yell and shout at him to leave the room. Like, I'd be sitting at my desk doing my homework, and then he'd burst in, and I'd yell and scream. Our parents worked a lot so the house would be usually empty. This lasted for about 2 years.

For some time, I had been under the impression that this scarred me, and made me afraid of male sexuality. Actually for a long time, I used to deny this even happened to me, but over the last couple years, I've been trying to come to terms with it. I still haven't said anything about it to anyone, because I know it's weird and abnormal.

However, I read somewhere that one in 5 females face incest, which seems so high. 

So I don't know--am I blowing this out of proportion? Could it really be as traumatic as I thought, or is it not such a big deal?

I know I have to get over this, but I just feel like I've overreacted and am maybe being too sensitive...

PLEASE BE HONEST. I'm at a point where I want to properly assess this whole thing and how it impacted my life (and not over-assign blame).

TwistedLogic · Accepted Answer

Being traumatized or scared of something is usually beyond our control. I have taught myself to keep an open mind for everything, including incest & necrophilia, although I would never consent to them. HOWEVER, the issue here is not incest, it's your brother's barbaric actions and offensive behavior which resembles rape to some degree. I am actually surprised that 20% of women experience this. I never thought it was this common.

You are not being extra sensitive. You cannot help but feel the way you do. I am not sure that I can be very helpful to you, and I think you'll receive more valuable answers from the ladies on this site. The reason I am writing this is to express my sympathy for what happened to you. I am also writing this to ask you not to generalize that experience you have had with ONE man over the entire gender. I have a sister and I go crazy when I hear she's upset or sad.

Due to our restricted and uneducated society, it is very common for young people (especially males because their sexuality is wildly accepted) to do stupid things. The reason behind this is how little we know about sex as teenagers. Only a small portion of adolescents read about sex and try to study it as a social activity and natural urge. The majority, however, have p*rnography as their main source of sexual education. I have seen videos that are labeled "X watches her brother Y masturbating", "X blows her dog" and similar stuff. Those are examples of "illegal p*rn", but even mainstream p*rn has titles that encourage such actions. All they do is attach the word "step" as a prefix to words like mother, daughter, sister, etc... Therefore, it is not unusual for a young kid to be exposed to that kind of behavior.

I voted A because what your brother did to you was horrible since you made it clear that you didn't enjoy his actions. I doubt this answer will help, but I hope you get over this really soon. :)

HandsomeRaj · Accepted Answer

1. The 1st and biggest mistake you committed was not telling your parents about it (though depending on the parent and/or society you live in they may either have supported you or tried to hush up the matter, worse held you to blame) but someone should have been told about it (preferrably female)

2. What you read about 'one in 5 females face incest' is correct largely. Though I don't have statistical data of it but I've known a lot of women friends who have faced it in some form or the other especially brothers and sometimes fathers or uncles or even neighbours who are between teens and early youth.

Guess it's got to do something with the way nature's made each species and gender in each. Human males always have been overtly sexual and are very visual with their approach. Even if not incestous a lot of them may have committed to lending some similar trauma to some girl when they were younger.

3. How you take it depends on how you want to take it and how your brother is behaving as on date. If it isn't a persistent thing, you've grown stronger and he matured then you can let it be in the past and carry on with your life.

You are not to blame for being traumatized or even keeping quiet on the issue. But it's better left behind and the situation not generalized if you want to live a better life.

The general thing is as has happened with you that when the siblings mature they pretend it never happened and go about their life. If you guys aren't comfortable talking about it then I recommend let it be. But don't carry the luggage. The idea is to know when to let go and you are beyond the line of doing so :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I have been through a lot of sexual abuse in my life and it is VERY traumatic! Things like this aren't normal it's very disturbing to hear. My biggest concern isn't what you remember but what you don't remember! Something like that shouldn't be as scary as it was for you which makes me question what happened when you were even younger. Small children who have been molested often block it out of their memory yet experience that fear even if they don't remember how it started. The reason I wonder if he molested you is because of how he had so much access to you being that your parents worked!  I would defiantly suggest counseling if you feel you need it. It can help to talk to someone and sort through these feelings. It sounds to me like there is more to the story that you probably blocked out when you were younger! My deepest sympathies go out to you my dear

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It's kind of hard to say.

When I was young and not too long ago met my half siblings (different mom same dad) we were just kids playing around. But me and my brother did like hump each other even at one point our younger sis wanted in.

We didn't know it was wrong we.just knew it felt good and we were playing around. Not too long after that I realized it was wrong and immediately put a stop to it.

I know it was wrong and it was in the past but your question brought it to mind.

As for your situation I do recommend that you seek help maybe speak to a therapist and most importantly express to your brother the trama he put you through.

jcoldstream · Accepted Answer

Why didn't you give him a tickle in the place he so obviously wanted one? It wouldn't have done any harm to either of you and he would have loved every second. I think one in five women "faces incest" is not the right way to phrase it, since people who have lots of incestuous sex do it because the family is easily available and they enjoy sexual play. If you include "tickle sex", flashing and other non-pen activity I guess one in five women is, if anything, a low estimate. The Anderson study said one in ten moms have had full penetrative sex with their own sons at least two times.

Bethany94 · Answer

This is f***ed up. The "kids being kids" thing is if they go in a corner and play "doctor" when they're younger. This is f***ed up. Your brother is probably going to end up a sex offender.

Vyking · Answer

Why even put 'kids being kids' in the title, when you know what he did was wrong? I understand he is your brother, and family tends to 'cover up' some of the 'sins' and pretend that they didn't happen, and didn't affect you.
I don't know what you can do, because the family will probably tell you is wasn't a big deal, and you were 'just kids', but it affected you. Have you considered seeing someone, professionally, and discussing this?
Guys like that make all men look bad, and I hate that this happened to you, as it was totally wrong, and there is no good reason for it!!

33tango · Answer

How old were you two at the time?  It matters a lot.

xzinax2 · Answer

well...it is a big deal,for sure,but how old was your brother? kids do weird things sometimes,that they can't even explain as adults-but if he was already mature-this is...a very,very big deal. you should see a therapist and if your brother was mature then you should do SOMETHING that will protect his children/future children

madhatters4 · Answer

I'm not going to vote because whether or not it is/was a big deal is entirely up to you.

It's hard to say your bro's motivations (i.e. whether it was harassment, youth and exploration or just being a pest of a brother). the fact is that if it bothered you then it was harassment, which could definitely shape your future relationships. It could definitely impact your life and how you interact or relate to guys.

At that age you'd hope a brother would understand boundaries and in which case it would be clear that he was actively being a deviant.

But ultimately what matters is how you felt, and how it impacted you. It seems clear to me that it affected you so clearly in that sense it is a big deal.

Sorry you had to go through that. Have you and your brother every talked about this since? Have you ever talked to a therapist to help you process your feelings? I think both if possible would help

CuriousEddie · Answer

It sounds like he was an idiot. He was a minor himself, so it is hard for me to blame him.

I can see you being angry at him, and yet be able to not let it bother you, but I can easily understand why, given your age and the repeated nature, it still affects you today.

In retrospect, if it was him destroying your homework, after several nights you would have told -- and he would have gotten in trouble and assumedly stopped. However, you seem to have internalized it from the start and made it your burden/fault, not his, and do it has continued to stick with you.

I don't know how to label his actions, but you did nothing wrong, and yet you paid the price.

Perhaps you can get process it a little better by thinking of it more, perhaps you need to tell him how bothered you are by what he did, or perhaps you want to work through it with a counselor -- I think all of those are reasonable reactions, depending of your needs.

KJT6989 · Answer

That's not normal.

TheGodEmperorLeto · Answer

That's wtf... I have no idea what to really say to that. it's messed up of him and I wonder what he thought of it...  probably just being an idiot or maybe something else :\

justincider · Answer

If you guys were 5-6 or younger, THAT is kids being kids.  My daughters kindergarten graduation half the class was touching themselves through the ceremony.  Middle school is messed up.  Especially as he is older.  Sounds like more to the story, but very abnormal...

abundantlyrich · Answer

incest harassment. It's not on. That's gross.

jerrbear100 · Answer

I also voted A. I think that his total lack of respect for you with an act that bothered you is more the issue than what he was actually doing. If he never apologized or asked for forgiveness from you, then that will definitely leave you feeling upset about the ordeal. You didn't mention whether he has done this or if you two have talked about it. I am betting that if you were to confront him, then you can resolve this and you can then perhaps dismiss this as him being a disrespectful horny boy with no self control. Feel free to message me. Good luck.

sacajawea · Answer

What your brother was doing, is not only illegal, bit also sexual abuse. Not to mention morally wrong.

whatosticky · Answer

this is sexual harassment or assault without contact. I'm sorry you went through this. and the younger you were, the worst it probably made it because the mind is so much more impressionable. for example, in your years of puberty where the brain is forming your sexual identity, it screws up the formation. I'm really sorry.

lonelycali · Answer

At a really young age, I think it is curious kids just being curious kids. But as it gets older it becomes more of a problem. Curiosity should have already been satisfied. Now it becomes something much more serious. How serious is ultimately up to you and how you deal with it. If you need it, I would seek professional help. You may even actually need to eventually confront him on it. Whether or not he acknowledges it is unimportant, you may have to do it for yourself.

croxy · Answer

I don't know if you're trolling, but either way, I'm gonna give you a serious and honest answer.

What he did is out of this world, he is your freakin BROTHER, and it is a big deal, if you honestly feel like you still need help to get over it, you should. There's places you can call for free, and still be anonymous that can help you with all kinda stuff. They will take what you say seriously no matter what it is, you just have to do a bit research on that yourself, I wouldn't recommend talking to family or friends about it, as there's people who can help you better then them, and where you don't need to make stuff super awkward.

However, my personal opinion is that you should be able to get over it without much issues, but people are different, if you need help with it, then you should get it.

Gazala · Answer

wth... of course this is a big deal.. i hope you get over this soon.

Bldballs · Answer

You will be ok. message me

Anonymous · Answer

i have a crush on my step sister i wish i could tell her how i feel

Anonymous · Answer

Your brother was old enough at that time to know what he was doing and he made the decision to do so. So yes, that is a big deal

Anonymous · Answer

Probably not the 'typical' thing to say, but I see it as quite normal if I'm honest, boys will be boys and he was trying to express and experiment sexually I suppose, although he clearly didn't go about it the right way so maybe you should have told your parents.

But like I say, kids do crazy things when they're young, for a brief time I masturbated with my sister when we were much younger, out of boredom and curiosity more than anything else.

So that's just my opinion..

Incest/harassment or just kids being kids?

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