How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone

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Ah, the dreaded Friend Zone.

The absolute worst position you can be in when you find yourself falling head over heels for someone you consider a friend. This one is for the fellas. I tend to get this question a lot and it's probably one of the most asked questions here on GAG. I consider this dilemma to be one of the tricky ones because when it comes to matters of the heart, we are dealing with pure, unpredictable human nature and unless you know someone's true motivations, it can be almost impossible to make them do what you want them to do. In this case, we are talking about making a girl who sees you only as a friend now suddenly see you as a potential lover.

Most guys end up learning the hard way and are faced with the cruel reality that is, once you've been given friend zone status, there's no getting out!

Of course, that is not necessarily true. There are many cases in which friends become lovers, which usually has the makings of a beautiful relationship. In most cases however, your feelings won't be reciprocated because of one simple problem. She doesn't see you that way.
"The moment you allowed her to confide in you is the moment she stopped looking at you as a man."

What happens then? Do you simply quit, or keep trying to win her over? Do you wait a while, just tell her how you feel or die with the secret? It may seem like an impossible situation to be in, but I believe with a good amount of effort, strategy, patience and even a little bit of manipulation, anyone can get out of the friend zone, or at least have a real fighting chance at getting some reciprocity from the object of your BF affection. So how does one get out of the friend zone? You must first understand how you got there in the first place!


Let me start by saying, yes, it is your fault that she gave you friend zone status. I don't subscribe to the idea that men and women can't truly be friends, but chances are, in such a "friendship", someone is bound to develop stronger emotions than the other one is prepared to deal with. What you must understand is that when a girl first meets you, subconsciously she will place you in either one of four categories:

  1. Potential Lover: Datable, Attractive, Desirable
  2. Friend: Confidant, Buddy, Ace, Brotherly
  3. Unavailable: Off the market, Married, Gay or Uninterested in her
  4. Persona Non Grata: Unattractive, Undesirable, Off the Radar

In this case, you'd rather be considered unavailable because someone in this category can instantly shoot to Datable at the moment his status changes. Although friendship is a necessary key to a long-lasting relationship, if you are in fact attracted to a girl and desire to do more than friend things, the last thing you want to do is become 'the' friend.

A funny thing happens when you're in the friend zone. You must understand that the friend zone is where personal stories are shared. We're talking about emotions, embarrassments, disappointments, gripes and even secrets. There are things a woman will tell a friend that she would never want her a love interest to know about. So, the moment you allowed her to confide in you, is the moment she stopped looking at you as a man.



Consider the fact that you are an addition to her list of "girlfriends". You get the same information as they do and depending on your level of friendship, you may even get more. For a woman to divulge her heart, she needs to be super comfortable and secure about the relationship and in how she thinks you feel about her.

In other words, the way she feels when she's around her girlfriends. If you have been acting as part of that sounding board and support system, can you see how she may end up seeing you as one of her girlfriends? It would be extremely difficult for her to see you in any other way, especially because she wouldn't want to lose that comfort factor she has between you two.

Counter to what we would hope, women aren't turned on by a"friendly" guy. And no, we're not talking about bad boys. We're talking about pure, animalistic attraction. When we first meet a guy, there's a certain level of uneasiness, nerves and insecurity that we like to feel. We attribute that feeling to lust, sexual attraction and sometimes think of it as kismet or spark. As a guy stuck in the friend zone, your mission is to make her see you as a man again. You have to make her feel that spark between you. You will have to reintroduce yourself, show her a different side of you and give her a reason to consider falling in love with you.

So how does one do this? Let's get to work.

Step 1: Become Less Available

Right now, being too available is working against you. Think about it. Someone who is always unavailable seems to be always busy doing things, going places, movin' and shakin', too cool for school. Unavailable is sexy. Being available of course sends a less upbeat message...stable, eager, convenient, accessible. There's no room for pining.
"Take yourself off the convenient list by suddenly becoming - you guessed it - unavailable."
Take yourself off the convenient list by suddenly becoming-- you guessed it, unavailable. It doesn't mean you should start being rude about it. It's not about ignoring or avoiding. Let her know you'll get back as soon as you can, but you're busy. Be prepared for her to ask, doing what? You can either have a real reason or a fictitious one, but start controlling her access to you.

Step 2: Stop Doing Friend Things

You have to stop being her listening ear. I know, seems harsh, but you need to remove yourself from the girl pack. Stop allowing her talk to you about her dates. You don't want to hear about that stuff anyway. Keep the conversations light, without allowing her to get into details. Don't allow her to complain, or ask you advice about anything pertaining to her dates, or anyone she's seeing. It might be hard at first, but try to divert the conversation in other directions, or keep the conversation short.

Step 3: Reintroduce Yourself

As I said previously, when we first meet a guy we're attracted to, there's a level of unease and insecurity that we associate with spark and lust. This tends to only happen during what I prefer to call, the mating dance. We wonder, does he really like me, or sort of like me? Am I looking my best? Am I sending the right signals? Is he the One! and for some..."I sure hope he fits a Magnum". The problem is, when you're in friend zone status, she has gotten way too comfortable with you. It's time to change that.

You have to start approaching her like a man. Keep it subtle.
Gogus olculeri

Words: Start complimenting her...tell her how nice she smells, or how you like her hair like that, or that you like a particular outfit she's wearing. Slide in words like beautiful and gorgeous into everyday conversation, like 'Talk to me beautiful!'...or 'Hey gorgeous'. Say all those things you're thinking...unless they're creepy or freaky. Be selective about when you say them so you don't over do it. Easy to do if you keep it genuine.

Body Language: Simple things like eye contact, staring just enough, and being deliberate about it can get her to shift in her seat just a little. Say just enough to keep her wondering what you're thinking and whenever possible, get in her personal space. You guys are friends so she won't mind, but get closer than you usually would, skin to skin contact like her arms, or legs are very subtle, but good enough to get her to squirm a little. Squirming is good... unless she physically removes herself. Then that would be bad.

Step 4: Start Dating Other People!

Whaaaaat?! But I want to date her! That won't be plausible if she doesn't think that other people are lining up at your door. She has to start seeing you as more than a close friend. Going out with other women will help do three things:
  • Establish that you have a penis, and sometimes you use it with other women

  • Help you with your "Unavailable" status by giving you reasons not to be able to answer your phone or hang out and

  • Get you to go out and actually meet other people that you might actually like

This should be the icing on the cake, as nothing will make you look more attractive, than other women seeing you as attractive. Don't be shy about taking lots of photos with different women and blasting them all over your Facebook page. This is a PR campaign and you are selling yourself. You may try all of these techniques in any order works best for you.

Now, you could forgo this whole operation and just tell her how you really feel. If you're feeling lucky, go ahead and roll the dice. There's a way to broach the subject and tell her how you feel without sending her running off and screaming like a banshee. Rather than make a dramatic production out of the whole thing, keep the conversation light, and inform her about your feelings. Don't force an answer from her in case it's not the answer you want to hear. If she feels the same, she'll volunteer her sentiments.

Keep in mind that whether you try my tested and verified method or you go with the old faithful confession, there are just no guarantees when it comes to love. All you can do is put yourself out there and hope the fish bite. Whatever happens, have fun with this whole process.

Good luck and Happy Dating!
How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone
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