Him and I had a wonderful relationship. We spent every weekend together, we loved each other, we decided on getting married in a year. We went on an awful lot of number of holidays, we laughed together, we had everything you'd call perfect. Of course, we had our quarrels but none of them were serious enough. Then, we had our last argument that we just couldn't talk about because he went on a holiday with his friends. We didn't talk for days and then I received a text that he wants to break up with me.
My whole world collapsed. He didn't give me any reasons. Or, he give me many many explanations that just didn't make sense. I told him horrible things and asked him to come and tell the break up in my eyes. He did, he cried a lot, even more than me and that was it.
First mistake I made: I didn't cut off contact with him. I kept texting and calling him because I just couldn't believe that all of a sudden everything is gone. Nothing bad happened between us. We were all fine. Then one weekend later he told me he wasn't in love with me. He said he hadn't felt this before, only in the moment of breaking up. I couldn't believe him and kept texting him that he'll regret it, that I miss him.
Then I cut off contact. 3 days later he texted me. And all the texting started again. We argued and argued, got jealous of the new people we met, we missed each other terribly. I asked him to come and tell me what he wants. He agreed. Three months after the break up he visited me. He started crying as if it was the day we were breaking up. I held strong. He said he misses me and he doesn't want this. He can't say goodbye to me.
He called me the next day that we should give each other a chance later, first we should step back and reflect upon ourselves. I agreed and that was my second mistake: I kept pushing him. I pushed him to fight for me, to show me that he wants to be together with me, if he didn't text for a day I got completely mad. So I told him to block me. And so he did. For two months.
In those two months, I cried every day. I missed him so much. My memories of him started to fade away. I was no longer aware who he is. I sent him emails and texts but I got no reply. I asked a friend to talk to him, and I got no reply. At the end of December, I created a fake account so I can text him that I just don't want us to stay in a relationship like this. He replied and agreed.
We started texting again. First, he ignored my text. Then all of a sudden he kept replying. He said things that he misses me, and our memories, and that he fucked up, that it was good to be with me. He also said he had a girlfriend.
I got shocked. Panicked. 5 months passed and he has a girlfriend? I told him we shouldn't talk. He said he doesn't mind, nor his girlfriend, she is a really smart sweet girl. I felt as if he punched me in my stomach. To me, 5 months wasn't enough to get over him. He said he met the girl in November. To him, 3 months were enough. After a beautiful, passionate one year long relationship.
He kept telling me he wants to talk to me. He misses me. I felt hurt, and unfortunately I told him. He said he doesn't feel anything toward me, and he is sorry that he fucked everything up. I told him many times to say goodbye. He tried to avoid saying goodbye, he said he wants to call me and things like that.
My third biggest mistake happened here, that I kept texting him back. I should have just let him be. If he texts, no response. But I did respond, unfortunately. Often I initiated texting because it was so good to get attention from him.
Then he started ignoring me again. It made me mad and I pushed him again, so he decided blocking me was the best idea. He said it's because I can't let him go. I sent him an email that it's not true, I just wanted to stay in a normal relationship. He didn't reply, obviously. And by this email, I pushed him further away.
What do I really want? Do I want him back? Definitely no. Our relationship was beautiful and I miss those feelings he gave me. But he showed disinterest and it made me think: Do I really want him? No. I want the past. But there's a reason it's in the past. So what do I want? I want to be happy, without him. I shouldn't depend on him, he is living his life, we have nothing to do together. I improved myself a lot since the break up. But being blocked really hurts me. I don't want that. And many of my mistakes lead here that I wish I didn't do.
So my advice to my future self:
1. After the break up, cut off contact immediately.
2. If he texts (he will), don't respond or stay neutral.
3. Don't focus on him because that will lead you feel miserable and will push him away.
4. It's okay to love him and miss him, but that also means accepting that it's over.
It took me 6 months to accept it's over. He had to block me twice to accept it's over. I had to be clingy, I had to push him to finally realize, it's not him that I miss, it's the nostalgia working. It took me 6 months to realize that I'm chained to the past and by not letting go I'll never be free.
I know I still mean a lot to him, as he does to me. I'm really sorry that we couldn't talk honestly with each other, as he felt like blocking me was easier than telling me he wants me to stop texting. And I should have realized that's what he wants.
I don't want to lose him. He has always been really good to me and I don't want us to be that ex-couple who block each other, who forget about each other. I want to be the ex that he can always think about with a big smile. That he will never consider a burden. I want him to be an ex who I can years later invite for a coffee and talk about unimportant things. But how can I tell him this? I can't. Time will.