Do guys ever change their minds when they 'lose' a good thing and try to get it back?

Background:

We (He's 29, I'm 23) were dating for about three months and grew pretty close, even going away for a few weekends. Although I live about two hours away from him, I saw him about once a week. I'm leaving in less than a month (grad school), and he knew this as soon as we started dating. He is also supposed to be leaving for a different city in a month.

Over the weekend, he posted online that he went on a date with someone else. I told him I couldn't continue on and I didn't want to hear from him again because I deserve more respect (and why couldn't he wait another couple weeks until I'm gone?)

He decided to tell me the 'truth' that "if [I wasn't] leaving he would have already asked [me] to be exclusive because [he] really likes [me]. But [he] said [he'd] never do distance again."

Question:

Would a guy ever change his mind on dating someone over distance and realize he's letting something good go and act on it? Or does he just not see me as having that type of potential? And why tell me the 'truth' now?
Updates:
Am I wrong to think that if he really liked me as much as he said he did, he'd be afraid to let me go and would be trying to figure out a way that we could continue and see what happens?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • He probably likes you, but long distance when you're 29 doesn't make any sense.

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    • What do you mean it doesn't make any sense? I figured at that age it might make more sense...

    • No, long distance is a younger person's thing. At that age he probably wants something serious. There is no security or guarantee in LDR's, and significantly less sex too

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What Guys Said 16

  • I'm sorry for posting this ironic comment on a site called "girls ask guys", but after dating a lot of girls recently I've learn that there are no set rules for how girls behave, and thus it's fair to assume that there are no rules for how guys behave. Some guys change their minds, some don't. It really depends on their personalities, and the circumstances they're in. Any guy trying to tell you that all guys behave the same way is a fool.

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    • Thanks for your input. I understand that there are no set ways a group of people as large as 'guys' think. I was just hoping to gauge if there was a general consensus, and I think I've been fairly successful in gaining that.

    • Sorry if I wasn't much of a help. I tried to answer it, but I had trouble giving an view of his behaviour.

  • Regardless of how much I like someone I would never do distance.

    Once a girl had to leave for a year and what happened was me saying "I'm not going to go on with this distance kinda thing, consider it dating, I will be dating other girls, and you probably other guys to, but if everything is fine when you come back and I'm single, we can give it another try" it didn't work out that way either.

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  • If he doesn't do distance he doesn't do distance. If his mind is made up on that you can never change that. Because chances are he tried distance before and it didn't work out, and he won't do it again.

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    • You're right. He did distance before and said he wouldn't do it again. But he says he wants to stay friends and keep talking...which seems like some weird consolation prize? Why bother if we're not going to date and pursue things.

  • It depends on the guy... Some guys think things through logically. Based on your story, it doesn't sound to promising. The truth is that they don't usually work. I wish you both the best

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    • Thanks for your comment. He is very logical and analytical ans I'm sure he has thought this through with that side of his brain. Perhaps my bigger issue stems from the fact that he took time to think about it and make a decision, but didn't involve me in the process and talk to me about what my thoughts are.

  • Not really.

    I'm going to guess that this is the first time you've tried the long distance thing, and you really liked spending time with him, and you also liked having plenty of time to yourself. For some people, that's an okay thing.

    Other people want more "together" time than a LDR can offer. Oftentimes they harbor insecurities about LDRs because they feel that a constant stream of other people around you, and lack of their "presence" in your life, creates a perfect opportunity for you to "play the field" in your "off" time.

    Much more often than not, LDRs end with "I met someone..." and if not that, then "I just can't do this anymore..."

    I will tell you this, for a FACT. Long distance relationships NEVER work in the long-term. The distance factor HAS to be TEMPORARY. If it's not, just walk away, because you're just setting yourself up for hurt.

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    • It never works.

      If the woman is even average in looks she will most certainly be constantly engaged by other men.

      The man on the other hand has to approach other people or it does not happen.

      The very moment one argument happens is the instant where another man comes along.

      LDR don't work unless the woman on the other side is an inside, stay at home person. If she's even the slightest bit in the social scene it always falls apart.

      Only 2 main kinds of women exist in meeting Long distance. The " I got dumped and need someone to make me feel better til another man comes along." Or the " I'm too insecure to go out and find someone in the real world.".

      The first one will always get bored and go look for fun and sex elsewhere.

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    • WHAT? Not true at all!
      Only 2 main kinds of women exist in meeting Long distance. The " I got dumped and need someone to make me feel better til another man comes along." Or the " I'm too insecure to go out and find someone in the real world.".

    • @celestialdaeva/labellaprincessa - Clearly, when I said "never" I was being hyperbolic. Only a base idiot would actually think that something NEVER or ALWAYS happens in a completely literal sense. For future refrence, when someone says something NEVER happens when quite clearly, it does, just rarely, they are not intending for you to take that statement literally.

      I would call into question either the sanity or honesty of those who claim to have faithfully been in a LTR for (years). And even then, when you say an LDR had a "happily ever after", do you mean that they happily had a long distance relationship until the end of their days, or that one day, the distance came to an END (e.g, was temporary)?

  • Well a lot depends on WHO"S idea of losing a good thing it is yours or his idea. Guys tend to be realistic where girls have there day dreams of the perfect way things are supposed o be in there mind.

    you have to be realistic. your moving away , you both know that, you where exclusive real dating sounds more like friends with benefits situation. He already knows long distance relationships don't work and he's ready to move on with his life but your the one upset cause you think your the "good thing" and he's looking at like it can't go anywhere further. Not say he wouldn't miss you or talk to you but those situation people just tend to fade away an apart

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    • Oh logically I understand all that. I guess my 'girl mentality' kicks in because he said in effect, if there wasn't distance I'd be willing to see what happens in an exclusive relationship, and I don't understand why he wouldn't instead have say something along the lines of: "I know distance can be hard, but I like you enough to try it for a few months, and if it doesn't work then we'll just part ways accordingly."

  • He may be making a last ditch effort to salvage something, but is putting the ball in your court, just letting you know how he feels.

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    • How do you respond to that in the right way? Because I guess I read it like, he wouldn't do distance again, it wasn't negotiable, so he never told me and that's why he's going on dates with others.

    • I don't know if there's a "right" way? Maybe the most respectful way is just tell him how you feel? "Sorry, but I don't think we'd work out" or something?

  • He told you what he told you, you can either accept it and tell him how you feel or you can keep questioning and never know. The best thing to do is to talk to him about it.

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    • Thanks for your comment. I feel a bit like telling him is pointless, because he's so certain he doesn't want that. But yet he was upset that I might talk to him again, and so were his family and friends. Like what gives with the mixed signals?

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    • You did help prevent me going crazy wondering if these last few months meant anything to him. So thanks for that. He's asked to see me next week to say goodbye in person so I guess maybe I'll go along and see what he says/does. And perhaps time will tell what happens in the long run.

      I can't see your question... Did you ask it anonymously?

    • Oh yeah...I did...
      question is, I made my girlfriend mad...what can I do?

  • Sometimes, he just thinks about the looks but realize that there are great personalities out there. It can be guys that you think are cute but can be disrespectful. So watch out.

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  • Well firstly, I'm sorry to tell you this, but he DOESN'T like you that much. I mean you've been dating for 3 months and he put a condition on exclusivity? Secondly to answer your question, I've never chased/went back to an ex nor would I ever since I don't even talk to any of them anymore. If it ended then it was for a good reason. If however I was to make a mistake with someone (not that I ever would because I'm not the type to make irrational decisions) and end up breaking things off, I'd probably come to my senses within a few days and do everything I could to get her back. Again though hypothetical case that will most likely never happen.

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  • Men's only realize what they have lost when they have lost it completely. I think if you are special to him he would change his mind but to for him realize that it would take time.

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  • I don't do rebounds anymore, my experience is that it's not worth it.

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  • Has he had previous long distance relationships? I once dated a woman that lived about 8 hours away and bad experiences with that have made me reluctant to date long distance. Even though I say I'd do it and I'm open to the idea of it in theory, in actuality I know I'd have trust issues. Although the distance you're talking sounds different than what I'm talking. To me, someone living 2 hours away is close enough I'd call that "local" and not "long distance", the relationship I was in the woman lived almost 300 miles away (a little less than the distance between Pittsburgh and NYC to give an idea). Because 2 hours away you can still see each other at least once a month barring extreme circumstances while the distance I was dealing with allowed only a couple times a year.

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    • It's going to be a bigger distance...at least a couple of States...unless he stays in Canada in which case it will be even further. He did have a 4ish year long distance relationship and has said he wouldn't do it again after his experiences with that. I just find it all so confusing. In one breath when he texted tonight he reiterated the 'I would have liked to be exclusive with you if you weren't moving away' because I'm 'great' and 'amazing' and he's 'sad' I'm going etc, and in the next breath he wants to stay friends and keep talking. But when he told his friends/family that I'd said I didn't want to talk to him again they were 'sad'. What gives?

  • Yes of course we are all human.

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  • can go both ways...I hope

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What Girls Said 16

  • Listen, us women tend to stay in the romantic movie state! Meaning we dream of having a man fall all over himself and save himself just for us even if we are countries away. You know in your heart that you are leaving and so is he. Although you have grown close understand that this is life. Don't end your relationship with him because you got your feelings hurt, if you truly care about him. Stand your ground on what he did, don't sway on that, but be an adult. Let him know you do care and that you hope both of you can keep in touch. Once you move and so does he, you might be surprised that he contacts you and then you move forward but by being intelligent, school is a full time job and being in different areas will be a huge difficulty. Keep in mind you can also contact him, but know this, if he does not keep in touch let your heart heal and move forward. Its the journey that makes us who we are and helps us have great relationships. If it is truly meant to be it will happen, but you have to give and so does he, it won't happen like in the movies! Good luck on your new life and venture for a great career.

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    • It's not that I'm dreaming of him falling all over himself to catch me and keep me. I'm going to the US for at least a year for school, and he's American and would be returning to the US, albeit to different states.

      Thanks for your wise words of wisdom. They've really resonated with me. I really appreciate that you've taken the time to comment.

  • He is a grown man. He has been through so much more than what you have gone through. I think by now he should know what he wants and dosnt want. As hard as this may sound.. but he dosnt like you enough to do a long distance. Especially he's bluntly posting status of him going on dates. He needs to go through that process of him really losing you.. than he will know. But my best advice for you is to just do you like he's doing him. Stop waiting... and wanting a change. MAKE IT KNOWN you're DATING SOMEONE ELSE TOO! That might help.. & think of it like this.. you're 23... he's 29... you have a BETTER AND BIGGER CHANCE OF MEETING ANOTHER HOT, SMART, TALENTED GUY... you have bigger stuff ahead of you. Not that I am saying he dosnt.. you just have more opportunities. So take it and run!

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    • Thanks for your upbeat post. He doesn't like when I go out on dates with other guys. I'm going away for a month long study abroad next week, so I'm not necessarily sitting around waiting for him to realize I'm worth an effort, but I'm also not jumping out dating other guys because there is a part of me that's like, 'what is the point in doing this right now?'

    • He dosnt like you dating anyone else because he's selfish. That's how men are, territorial. Even if they don't want it no one else can have it. I am very glad you're not just sitting around just waiting for him. It looks like your chasing your dreams! Good. Good luck and always stay positive.

  • Are you wrong to THINK he'd think and act a certain way if he felt a certain way? No, you're free to think what you want. Are you wrong to EXPECT him to think and act the way you think he should? Yes. Just because *you* would think and do certain things in certain situations doesn't mean he would (or should) think and do those same things.

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  • No, guys don't change their mind. They get over chicks extremely quickly. Sorry, but that is the fact. You will find someone much better and more mature than he is.

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    • No. I personally take a year to get over someone I truly loved. No matter how long I dated her. Even if I dated her a month and I fell in deep love with her, I would still miss her even after several months. It's not like I am new to relationship. I've dated enough girls. I guess it's the other way around lol.

    • It's really different from personal to personal.

    • Yeah I've heard it takes guys much longer than girls. My ex still wants me after six months of no communication, he had the perfect opportunity to meet girls and I took advantage and met some one I really like... It seems that guys move on quickly but they only try to find someone to replace the other girl so he can try to get over his feelings.

  • Yes, basically he was just stringing you along, looking around the whole time for your replacement!

    Sorry!

    Live and learn...

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  • yes they do, they usually realize that they love girl when they are about to loose her

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  • No matter how many people you ask you will really never know the true answer unless by asking him and you have and he told you. The more you keep questioning everything And thinking more about it the harder it will be for you to move on. Let it go if it's meant to be it will happen if not who cares there's so many more people out there who I'm sure would love to date you and make you feel like you are worth everything. I wouldn't even give this guy a time of day. He walked away from you with no problem no questions nothing why give him that satisfaction like he was the best thing in your life? If this was meant to happen it will trust me everything would fall into place on it's own. My best advise is to worry about you and your move and put him in the back of ur mind.

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  • No you aren't wrong to think that at all, if someone really does want to be with you, they will do just that.

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  • yes...ive had an ex call me back months after breaking up cause they realized what they missed out on

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  • Yes, that's what I am trying to make my ma realize. Were still together but he is being an asshole. A lot, of my exes have tried comig back to me

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  • Just letting you know 3 months is nothing to a guy.
    Guys are different then girls...
    MOST guys will cheat in their first year of dating but it doesn't mean they don't like you...
    If a guy returns it's because he is coming back to something that he is familiar to him. If he comes back don't put out (sex) most guys come back for that because they can't get it elsewhere and they come back to where it's easy.

    I was seeing a guy for 5 years but he didn't want to commit so I moved on and he's been calling me for 2 years and still tries. However I decided to go read his emails and for sure I wasn't the only one he was seeing!!!

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  • he likes u i gues but the distance is an issue

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    • I texted him today. It seems to be the biggest issue. I don't understand that.

  • It's hard to say without really knowing him. He could have just been using you as a sort of fling knowing you'd both go your separate ways…or he could have genuinely liked you but didn't want to get hurt so started dating other people (which is a shitty way to go about it btw).

    Either way…does it really matter? I mean, if he's set on not doing long distance and you both have life plans…

    As much as it sucks, three months isn't exactly a long time either : /

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  • Do you really want him to change his mind? Honestly, you'd want someone like that?

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  • You are wrong to think he'd be afraid to let you go. Guys generally don't work this way. I think he was being very honest by telling you that the distance thing wasn't going to work. He thinks you're a great girl, but circumstances don't allow the kind of relationship he's looking for. Why be lonely in love with someone you can't be close to? Especially when there are plenty of other compatible attractive women out there to date? If you two had been together for 3 years and then some unforseen circumstances caused you to live seperate, the amount of time already invested may be enough to keep him going. You only have 3 months under your belt, and only seeing each other once a week, at that! He isn't invested enough in you to want to put in the effort to deal with the hardship of distance.

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  • When a guy openly posts things like that, he may not be too serious about you. He's an older man, and I agree that he should already know by now what he wants. Maybe his ideal relationship isn't with a 23 year old girl, but all of this in all honesty you need to sit him down and ask. We can help as best as we can, but it's always beneficial to ask that person only they know why they do the things they do.

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