Being the second option to someone? How damaging can it be?

basically a guy I've known for years told me before he got engaged in his mind it was between me and his now wife, but he wasn't sure about me thats why he proposed to her and we stopped speaking. 2 months later he gets in touch and comes and sees me due to a family argument he has had and then i hear off him a month before his wedding and a month after his wedding he messaged me wanting to see me, so i saw him and the first thing he mentioned was that he was probably going to end up divorced. we got on great till he saw a text come through on my phone from another guy and turned angry and nasty. anyway he wanted to see me again a couple of months later but i said no, but then a couple months after that i did see him and he was really down and mentioned divorce i just shrugged it off. i didn't see him for 9 months then but spoke to him a few times on the phone. when i saw him after all that time he said that he liked me and was going to get a divorce and that he knows he made a mistake getting married and it should have been me and he wished he took me out more at the beginning. we got on great then events happened and he realised he needed to try at his marriage because he made a commitment and he sticks by his commitments but still says he knows he made a mistake. he then said he thought the world of me and like and cared for me more than any other girl, then laughed after my wife. he said she was pregnant so we stopped speaking then 5 weeks later he rang and said he lied and wanted to be in touch with me cos he really does want to know how im doing and that he's there for me, we got on so well it was like nothing had happened. then 3 weeks after that phone call he said that she actually is pregnant this time and that its not fair if we are friends. has anyone else been in a situation where you are heartbroken but know you can't be a second option to someone?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • That must really suck :( But personally, to me, it seems like he's fine having no contact with you as long as he is happy with his wife... if he really cared enough for you he wouldn't feel happy going almost a year without talking to you, he would miss you. You deserve to be number one with your partner, its a two-way exchange. If you are just his number two he could get with you when his marriage breaks down, then if he sees another woman he likes he could wander off again, because he is used to seeing you as something he can ''put up with'' as second best. You deserve a man who will want you more than anyone :) I'm sorry I'm sounding harsh :( But if he only wants you when his main lady isn't happy with him its not fair on you in any way at all :(

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    • thank you, i agree wit what you are saying. he's never had a bad time with his wife, she's think they have a happy marriage. its him he married so he could move out of his family home due to cultural reasons he couldn't live with a women until he was married. he's older than me and his wife is older than him who had a career etc while i was still in college. but i agree he seems fine to not have contact with me for periods of time then he comes back saying he missed me. he always thinks im seeing guys so he gets angry and won't contact me for a while when im in fact seeing no one he's just paranoid about that

    • we didn't see each other for 9 months, i live 3 hours away from him and im studying. we spoke every 5-6 weeks during that time. he admitted when we saw each other that he thought i was with a guy i was living with so he was annoyed

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  • I have been in that situation and it SUCKS!! Not only will you always wonder why you are SECOND, you will also never find a new guy because you will always be hanging on to this guy. It sounds like this guy is playing with you. If he really meant what he said he would be by your side, married to you. Stop believing everything he tells you. If he made crap choices in his life it's his own fault...

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  • The guy sounds like a complete indecisive ass. It sounds like when things are great with his wife he wants nothing to do with you, but when problems occur he's knocking at your door. I know you may like him and that it sucks, but that relationship needs to end. You shouldn't be anyone's second option, especially someone who's married. I'm surebyou deserve better than that. More than likely he'll come to you again, thinking he can get what he wants. Be strong and refuse him.

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    • thank you i agree. i will be strong if he gets in touch but i dont think at all he will so im not worrying about anything like that right now. this is the first time we never been in any contact and thats because she is pregnant but we have never gone more than a month without contact before.

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