My ex was arrested for domestic violence, took months to finally hear from him after I tried to move on with someone else. he told me I messed up?

My ex boyfriend was arrested on April 27 for domestic violence. he choked me, hit me, and pulled my hair while I was driving my car. there were people around who saw it and called the cops. we were not allowed to speak until June 13, which is when I dropped the charges. I waited a few weeks then contacted him because I felt we needed to have a conversation. we were together for 3 years he was my best friend and I felt he owed me an apology, a thank you, and some sort of closure. I tried contacting him a few times and never heard from him. I was hearing from people that he did not want to talk to me so I figured ill never hear from him again I should move on. towards the beginning of July I hooked up with this guy. he's been a friend of mine for years and means nothing to me romantically but we were both drunk and it happened. it was that one time and I was so ashamed of myself afterwards because I was still in love with my boyfriend. that's not like me, im not that type of girl. I've beat myself up over it ever since because I truly love my ex. so finally 2 weeks ago I heard from him. he texted me saying "ive thought about things and I think its a good idea we talk". so we met up the next day, talked for 2 hours and decided to give this another try but we had to take time to think about everything. then I heard from him again a week ago and he asked to meet again. he said he wanted to be with me and I agreed. I truly love him regardless of what he did that day in my car. I had to be honest with him though, because he asked if I had been with anyone else sexually.. and I couldn't lie to him. I told him the truth. he cried and cried and said he could never be with me again, not even in 5 years, 10 years, or if I bought him a house or a car. he blocked my number and all social media accounts and said he has to forget me and move on. he said I was tainted but that I was his best friend and he wanted to marry me one day. did I really so something horrible?
Updates:
he said he'd never be able to forgive or forget what I did because "I was his best friend and he thought he was going to marry me". he blocked my number and all my social media accounts. did I really do something wrong? I was in a dark lonely place.
i truly thought i was never going to hear from him again since i had tried contacting him and it took months to finally hear from him. do you think he'll ever be able to forgive me? if i can forgive him, he should forgive me. it meant nothing to me

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Most Helpful Guy

  • First off, I understand you love him, but after what happened, it's probably best to move on. And truly you haven't heard from him or spoke in months, you were single. Having sex whilst you are single shouldn't matter and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I do understand his upset feelings, b/c he sees you in a light that was meant for him. Being intimate with someone else shows him you didn't value him in the same light he did you. Not fair, but it's true. But in truth, I think it's in both of your interest that you move on. It will take time to move on, but it's best.

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    • i truly love him and i know i hurt him because he said he could never look at me as being "his" again since i "opened my leg for someone else". do you think he could ever forgive me? do you think maybe he's just being irrational right now and needs some time to heal and think? i have no way of contacting him since he has blocked me on every form of communication possible.

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    • im very sorry to hear that :( sounds like you really do love this girl regardless of what she did

    • I do. But sometimes you have to let things go in order to heal. I am happy with her, but with her no longer here, I have to find that happiness within myself and someone else now. It'll happen for me and it will for you too.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You did nothing wrong. You played the part of the faithful girlfriend, you waited for him. He fucked up by not coming to you.

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    • i tried explaining all this to him but he still said he couldn't even look at me and that i was tainted. i know he really loved me and said i was his best friend and i betrayed and hurt him, i get that. but i just feel awful for what i did. i do think his reaction was immature because i had tried to contact him with no luck so i felt really lonely, sad, confused, lost... i didn't know what else to do other than to try and move on. since then he has blocked my number and every form of social media. he said he wants nothing to do with me ever again. he's very upset. but he also said it will take him months to move on and forget about me but that he's gonna try to do that. he's blocked all my friends too. do you think maybe over time he will calm down and realize the big picture and want to contact me again?

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    • he thought we were going to get married, he couldn't ever picture himself with anyone but me (that's what he said)... so the fact that i had sex with someone else is tearing him up inside because he thought it would just be me and him for the rest of our lives. he told his parents he was going to marry me. so the fact that i could be intimate with another is crushing him. and i feel terrible about it.

    • You have nothing to feel terrible about. Do not let what he is feeling dominate you. It's his fault that he went to prison. He brought this upon himself. I have no sympathy for a man who abuses a woman and then finds out that she slept with somebody else. It's his fault, and he needs to accept it.

      Live your life. You deserve to be treated well and you deserve happiness.

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What Guys Said 3

  • leave his ass, its the only way he might learn. even if he realises now he messed up. he still shouldn't be allowed to think things are gna go back to normal. he has to learn the hard way that he has some dickhead issues. i dont care what he says, no man hits a women unless its self defence

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    • i completely regret hooking up with this guy i wish i never did it or if i had lied to him maybe it would have been better. but i couldn't lie to him. did i do a horrible thing?

  • I'm bothered with not only his actions but yours as well. It's not my relationship and it pisses ME off that he'd say to you that "he'd never be able to forgive or forget what you did". Break this down for you a bit simpler he physically assaulted you. I won't lecture you on domestic violence, but only to say unless he's getting counseling or help with his anger issues nothing will ever change his behavior. Also, you didn't screw up. He abused you and went to jail and YOU reached out to him after dropping the charges. It seems to me that he's very arrogant and immature in thinking that you owe him anything after what he'd done. Yes you slept with someone but he's trying now to make your actions comparable to his and that's anything but true. His far out weigh your mistake (if that is what it truly was, a mistake) Sounds to me he's now using this as a means to make you feel like you are the bad person here and that you are the one that did him wrong so he can have that power back and make you feel like shit instead of focusing on what he's done. Do yourself a favor... please please please be done with this idiot. I've seen guys like him my whole life and even women are like that. They're toxic in a relationship and you deserve better. This isn't anything to do with him wanting you to forgive him. It's all about him having power over the situation because now in his mind you're the one that's done wrong against him. Long forgotten in his mind what he did to you now cause the focus is on your screw up and not his. Good luck!

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  • During that time you tried to contact him and you didn't hear back from him, where was he? If you tried contacting him, and during that time he knew you were trying to contact him, and he deliberately didn't reply to you - then that 'de facto' pretty much says at that time he wasn't interested in being with you, and therefore, that what you did wasn't cheating. How could you possibly really expect you should 'stay faithful' if he wasn't even bothering to reply to your attempts to contact him, and basically just ignoring you, and e. g. you couldn't even know if he wanted to still be with you or what? I mean how long were you supposed to wait for him to return your calls, what if it was 2 years before he decided to contact you again, or 10 years, were you just supposed to wait for him forever until he decided he felt like contacting you again? Nonsense, he should have communicated with you. I dunno, sounds weird to me.

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    • Ugh sorry stupid typos. "How could you possibly really expect you " should have read ""How could HE possibly really expect you should stay faithful if he wasn't even bothering to reply"

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    • i tried explaining all this to him but he still said he couldn't even look at me and that i was tainted. i know he really loved me and said i was his best friend and i betrayed and hurt him, i get that. but i just feel awful for what i did. i do think his reaction was immature because i had tried to contact him with no luck so i felt really lonely, sad, confused, lost... i didn't know what else to do other than to try and move on. since then he has blocked my number and every form of social media. he said he wants nothing to do with me ever again. he's very upset. but he also said it will take him months to move on and forget about me but that he's gonna try to do that. he's blocked all my friends too. do you think maybe over time he will calm down and realize the big picture and want to contact me again?

    • Personally I think he has a bit of a cheek saying he "will try move on" as if you were in the wrong, considering that he was violent toward you, he should be begging you and saying sorry, it seems to me this is all the wrong way round making you beg. I don't think you should feel bad.

      I don't know if he will calm down and want to contact you again. But to be honest it sounds to me like you are, sorry it's cliche'd, but sounds like you are better off without him in the long run, he may be doing you a favor. If he doesn't want to contact you ever again then there might be not much you can do anyway - I don't know. I think begging him will show weakness and if he is generally abusive he could use that weakness and vulnerability against you to hurt you more.

      To me it sounds like he'll ignore you for another 2 or 3 months, then maybe suddenly decide he wants u again, then try find something else to make u feel bad about, rinse and repeat

What Girls Said 1

  • Oh yea, he almost kills you, a and you are the evil one, sure. You haven't done anything wrong, but you are stupid. NEVER go back to a man, who have used violence against you. Regardless of what he says, he is going to do it again, but next time, he could kill you OR beat your children. Going back to him, could be the worst mistake of your life!

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