Long-distance boyfriend chose his current job over me?

Hello,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and I don't know if I've made a mistake. We were in Little Rock for 2 of those years and long distance for 2 (due to me getting a job in Houston). Our relationship was wonderful and I always felt that we were very compatible. Recently, we had been talking about getting married. He said that he doesn't want to leave his current job because he sees a lot of opportunities for growth there. Little Rock is not my #1 choice because I would like to be in a city with more diversity and also be closer to my parents. I also love my life and job in Houston, but I suggested compromising and moving to Dallas, which has more diversity and would be half-way from his family and mine. There are also plenty of equivalent jobs to his current job available in Dallas. However, he did not want to look at the options in Dallas or any other city for that matter because he said he loves his current job and people he works with and he doesn't want to leave it. I then offered to move to Little Rock but asked him that if I ended up being unhappy there, would he be willing to move to another city at that point. He said that he would consider it, but could not promise me anything because it would depend on where he was with his job. I feel like he is choosing his job over me, although there are equivalent jobs to his in other cities. I am not asking him to sacrifice his career and told him that we would only move once he found an equivalent or better job in the new city. I just feel like he is not willing to chance a new job but is willing to let our relationship end. He said if I moved there, we could get married. Am I being unreasonable to feel that this is a 'red flag'? At the end, I was okay with moving to Little Rock, but I just wanted to hear him say that if I sacrificed and moved there for him, then if I ended up not liking it there long-term, he would do the same and move somewhere else for me. Am I letting a good relationship go?


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What Guys Said 3

  • It's a red flag.
    I have a friend who just moved from Little Rock because he didn't like it there. Wanted more of a city life.
    If he does indeed choose his job over you, you've learned something sooner rather than later.

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  • Guys feel like we're responsible for being the provider. If you're the one who is ultimately responsible for the family's financial needs, then you've got to control the family's interaction with the world, including where to live. If my job was homemaker, I'd cook dinner every day, but nobody but me would get to say which cabinet was for saucepans and which was for baking pans. Everybody has to be in charge of some aspect of their own life. Since homemaker (sans children) isn't really a full time job with all our technology, and there's a lot more jobs now that women can physically do as well as men, the default of she's responsible for/in charge of the house he's responsible for/in charge of everything else doesn't work for everybody any more. Unfortunately, a democracy of two isn't going to work either.
    Good luck

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What Girls Said 2

  • ITs kind of difficult to say. In relationships you can't always sacrifice what you want/what you know is best for you for your partner. If this job is the best thing that has happened to him and he loves where he's living it isn't fair to ask him to give that up for any duration.

    That being said, it isn't fair for you to give up what you want for your happiness either.

    There is that teeter totter of compromise that has to be equal or at least nearly equal for a relationship to work. If neither party is going to compromise, it isn't going to work.

    It sounds like in the scenario he's going to resent you for giving up what he wanted. Or you're going to resent him for giving into what he wanted.

    You should take a break and see what life has to offer. IF you find that you know life outside of little rock is better, then you should part ways and find someone more compatible.

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  • I don't think he was choosing his job. While I understand where you're coming from, from his point of view, I'm sure he wishes you were more supportive.

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