Would it be a big deal if your long-term boyfriend did these things in the past?

During our relationship, I feel like all I've done is love him.. I'm not one for drama, and I savor all the time we spend together. It bothers me because I feel like he hasn't given me reason to trust him, we've been together 8 years now (married for 2 of those years) and I'm worried if I stay with him I may be unhappy.

So he gave me a 'promise/engagement' ring after one year of dating. Whenever he's out drinking, I find pictures of him on FB of girls on his lap.

Once I worked as a promoter girl at a club and invited him with me so he wouldn't have to be worried at home. I ended up not seeing him the whole night, and found he had been flirting and holding one of our mutual good girl friends as well as the next morning, I snooped through his phone (I know..) and I found him planning to meet this girl he met at the club back at his home (he stayed over that night and his house is about 45 minutes drive away).

He used to live with this woman, which was his accountant for his father's business. I looked through his phone again (I know.. I've learned never to do this anymore and haven't for years now) and found all his flirty messages with her, and they even had names for each other's genitals.. He said if he's married, he wouldn't be able to see her anymore.. And he can never stay angry at her because he likes her too much. Just a few examples.

He's very flirty, I've discussed how uncomfortable I am with it on several occasions, but he denies everything which makes me feel so crazy.. I've been so loyal to him and just had enough. Would this make you upset? Or am I just making a big deal? Do you think if I asked him to change, it's a lot to ask? (We have a kid together now too.)
Thanks so much for all your lovely support.. And as well thanks for going through my essay of writing.. :/


Most Helpful Guy

  • He's a married man, but his flirty conduct with women is typical of that of a single man. And since you've expressed your discontent and disapproval of his flirty behavior, which is a clear sign that your emotional safety in the relationship is threated by it, from that point forward, it would be inconsiderate of your feelings and disrespectful of him to continue do so.

    So, you see, it's not just you. Your anger over the matter and your need for change is reasonable. Do not allow him to deny it and convince you otherwise. And, as in effort to avoid a regular swinging of the pendulum, explain your definition of what flirting is to him, get his, then, if their is a difference in opinion, ask him to permanently compromise for the betterment of the relationship.

    Having said that, if his marriage to you is at the top of the list of his priorities, he will make the necessary adjustments.


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  • it's not just you but i don't think jackasses like these change.

  • Huge deal. But you already forgave him for it and accepted it, it's harder to just suddenly turn around and say you've now got a problem with it.
    Personally, I couldn't be happy with somebody like that, because I couldn't trust him so I'd be miserable wondering what he's doing all the time, so I'd rather just be alone. But that's just me.
    I think he's really disrespectful though.

    • Aaah... I'm going through that right now.. My dilemma is that he got his degree, I pushed my parents to let him live with me so he could be closer to school and eventually (not all because of this relationship, their relationship was already falling apart) my parents split up.. My mom and I are not welcome in our old home anymore, my dad just dumped my mom without anything, she is middle aged and has to start all over financially. I just have two more years of uni left, but it plagues my mind worrying what he's upto while I'm at class or when he's out with friends at night.

      Thanks so much for your input, much appreciated :)

    • Aww :( and because you invested a lot in him, even pushing your parents to agree to the situation, you'll probably find it harder to do anything but stay. Lots of times people think because they did so much, they should try to stick it out so it wasn't all for nothing.
      Don't ever feel like that, or be worried about people saying I told you so.
      You know, my mom married my dad 40 years ago, and has always been unhappy, and it's only because she was young and dumb and didn't want to go to her parents and say ok all that stress was for nothing because I left him. Don't be that woman. Thankfully my parents finally split up last year, but she wasted most her life in an unhappy relationship with no trust.
      All I'm saying, I learnt from her, if you're unhappy, it's never too late to leave, and you should leave asap so you don't spend more years being unhappy than you really need to.
      Either that, or he needs to do some really major things to make you trust him again.

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