My Fiancée just told me she was born a man... Breaking up?

We've been together for the last 9 months... We've had sex, kissed and all that...

She sent me a text earlier last evening telling that she wanted to talk, and that it was really important.

I got to hers and she sat me down with a drink and told me she was born a man.

I don't know how I felt at the time... I was incredibly sad, but incredibly angry at the same time. So I told him/her to fuck off and I stormed out.

I was lied to for 4 months... I loved her... I had sex with her... Why did it take her so long to tell me... Why after sex? ... She texted me this afternoon telling me she was so sorry, wants things to work out... But I just can't be with someone like her !!!

Help!!!

1|0
3633

Most Helpful Girl

  • What's wrong she didn't lie to you. She's a woman and has always been a women mentally and emotionally, but her physical just didn't match that. Obviously he has been liking for a time to tell you and thought now was a good time. I mean if you had approached her and her first phrase had been hi I'm Amy ( example) and I used to be a man, you probably wouldn't have continued to talk to her. That's a part of her past that she is asking you to accept. No different than if she had told you she was once raped or had had cancer. It's just that a piece of he past. This is who she is and if you really liked her and where a decent human being you'd accept her both physically and emotionally

    4|0
    1|3
    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • lmfao your missing the point of that is still a man

    • Show All
    • She doesn't have a vagina because she can't reproduce. Idiot.

    • You can get genital reconstruction surgery. Women have vaginas but not all women can reproduce. To reproduce women use things like their euterus.

Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you are going nuts because you haven't had time to dissect it all.

    I say give it a week or two and give it some thoughts. I mean you may end up regreting it especially if you like who she is as a person aka personality. And you might not find that type of person again.

    I don't think she lied, I can't see why she has to tell you the day you met. Plus she DID tell you before you are married so she didn't marry you and THEN tell you. She told you ahead of time so you have a chance to either back out or accept her for who she is.

    So just digest all the info for a few weeks and then meet up with her and tell her how you feel. If you still feel like you don't like her and can't be with her tell her. And, if you feel like you can accept her then take her hand and marry her.

    But don't panic and make a decision sometimes we need time to reflect on things.

    0|0
    0|1
    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • She doesn't have to tell me the day we met. I would have preferred that though, because then I would have spared myself heartbreak. But the fact that we had sex and she didn't even think it would be right to tell me them is despicable.

      I'm over her. I'm going to think about it anymore. I'm going to have a break at dating, then I'm going to go look for a proper woman I can have biological children with.

Recommended Questions

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 35

  • I would do the exact same as you if that happened to me. She should of told you sooner in the relationship, way way sooner. Id absolutely flip if my boyfriend told me something like that 9 months into a relationship and after getting engaged. Wow! I feel for you, better luck next time 👍

    0|1
    0|0
    • Thanks :) ... I'm going to lay of the dating scene till I'm over this mess.

  • If you love her how is it a problem? Don't let your ego take you away from mutual love, that would be fucking stupid.

    And be glad she told you, she could have kept it a secret your entire relationship. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reveal these kind of things, and here you are acting like a douche. Be supportive at least..

    2|0
    2|1
    • I've ditched her. I don't want to with someone who lies and who I have no physical attraction or love for anymore.

    • Show All
    • What's the point of having a sex change if people keep seeing you how you were before? It's just the best way to fuck up an entire identity and self-confidence. If you have a sex change, then you're ready to be a whole new person and live like one.
      Here guys is an ego problem, you think that you're homosexual and/because had sex with a guy.
      Trust me, that's not the case. If a man is actually changing his sex, it's because he feels like a woman, he IS probably more woman than I actually am.

      I might be a bitch, scumbag, troll or feminazi but at least I have the decency to express my opinion without disrespect. Y'all just narrow-minded.

    • "Here guys is an ego problem, you think that you're homosexual and/because had sex with a guy."

      This has nothing at all to do with ego. It is just disgusting to any straight guy and that is all there is to it. His fiance should have told him about the sex change before they got so serious and especially before they had sex. He can have 1000 sex changes but that doesn't change the fact that he was born a man and is not really a woman. It's not natural and you know it. Gay men might be okay with this so "she" should be going after them and not after straight men. No straight man wants to have sex or god forbid marry someone who had a sex change. And why are you ignoring the fact that he was lied to this whole time. Why would you trust anything someone says after they tell you such a huge lie.

      I have nothing against gay people I really don't but they need to respect the fact that the majority of the population is straight and they can't be going around tricking them like this.

  • Wait... you got engaged after dating for 4 months? There's your problem right there.

    And also, way to be a good listener and mature about it... or not.

    Would you have rather not known? It's 2014. People are changing gender all the time. People need to get their heads out of their asses and accept that it's a fact of life now and get over it.

    3|0
    0|1
    • Just because something is done by multiple people doesn't make it any more right nor is one obligated to accept it. Smaegoes for circumcision (although that is worse because it is forced upon someone else), same goes for sex reassignment. I wouldn't want to date a fake for 9 months either.

    • Am I the only one who could have seen this coming? He proposed after 9 months. Months, guys, months. Something bad was bound to turn up.

  • i would break up with her if i were you also.. but i am curious.. is she looking exactly like a woman and attractive? when a guy has changed his sexuality is usually noticeable that he's still got some manly features..

    1|2
    0|0
    • She looks really feminine. Her voice is deep, but not too deep for a woman.

  • I understand how you are feeling. It would be worse if you had gone through the transition with her.

    I think she was scared of losing you, so took so long to tell you, but on the other hand, she wanted to be honest with you. I imagine she doesn't blame you for the reaction you are having.

    You loved her once - the only thing thats changed is her coming clean about her past. We've all got skeletons, admittedly, this is a big one, but I think instead of totally writing her off I think you should sit down, be honest, and ask her why.
    You can even say "look, I'm not sure I'm okay with this but maybe if I understood why you told me, and why you wanted the change in the first place, I could get my head around this". And that is 100% totally reasonable questions to ask. Changing sex is a major choice, so the reason behind it must be pretty major.

    I'd also give yourself a timeline of say a month. If by then you're still not coming to terms with it, I think you know the answer. Currently, you're in a whirlwind of emotion. I think it would benefit you to take a couple days away from her, calm yourself and just breathe.

    I personally don't have experience with this but my best friends sister was seeing a guy for a couple years, and one day he told her he wanted to be a woman. And that he had his own clothes. He put on his lingerie and dresses in front of her and it freaked her a bit but she stayed with him because she loved him. As he got more comfortable with her about him wanting to change, things escalated; wanting to wear make up and dresses around her but still be seen as a couple etc. He also said he wanted a relationship with her after his change, that he loved her. At that point she left him, she apologised and said "I'm sorry, I'll support you through the change but I'm not a lesbian and I can't be with you like that afterwards".

    I think it's all about time and processing. :)

    0|0
    0|0
    • I not emotionally of physically attracted to her anymore. So I'm giving up on her and moving to someone better. There'll be a man for her later on in life, but that man is not me.

    • Show All
    • I'm getting a lot of help from people who fully understand my situation. From you and the other girl who are making as it's more my wrong doing, I'm getting none.

    • I don't think we're trying to make it your fault, I think it's us misunderstanding your initial question? You were engaged so you clearly cared. And then:
      I was lied to for 4 months... I loved her... I had sex with her... Why did it take her so long to tell me... Why after sex? ... She texted me this afternoon telling me she was so sorry, wants things to work out... But I just can't be with someone like her !!!

      Help!!!

      To me that sounds as if you're confused what to think, you're emotional.

      From what you're saying, you're looking for someone to agree with your anger? If I'm misunderstanding please say, I try and help. I'm just confused what advice you're searching for now? :S

  • How did you not see a penis when you had sex with her?

    0|2
    1|0
    • Operation. You can turn a man into a woman, optically at least.

    • Show All
    • I don't want to see her.

      Of course it must be difficult to talk about this to others... But deceiving someone who wants to marry is horrible.

    • That seems fair.

      Still had I found out you were in love with me and I was a male to female, I would have at least said, "are you sure you love me? I kind of use to be a guy"

  • She hasn't been honest with you since the start of the relationship, so I would say break up. This is a huge thing to keep secret. I can understand maybe it was hard for her to confess to someone something like that but it was selfish of her. I support people with their decision to change their sex; because why stay a gender you're not happy with? However, when you do the sex change, it's only fair to be open with your future partner about it from the beginning. It almost seems like a test to wait until you've been with someone for a while before you tell them the truth. If someone lies to me from the beginning, it just seems like the whole relationship was a lie.

    It was like when I tried online dating for a bit. I met a guy that was supposed to be my age, but it turned out he was ten years older than me. I like older men, so I wouldn't have had a problem with it at all. However, it's because he lied about his age so I didn't even bother after that. Someone told me it was probably test to see if I would still date him. I don't like being tested. If I met someone, and I found out they used to be a girl I would be open minded about it. However if he waited until nine months into the relationship to tell me the truth, I'd leave him right away.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Out of so many stories about dealing with someone's past (number of sexual partners, a woman who lost her virginity by getting raped, former alcoholic, etc), this has got to be something extreme.

    Not sure how I would react if I were engaged to a wonderful man, only for him to tell him ''I was really born a woman''. I can't imagine having sex with a woman either. To me, sex with a woman is the same way you're feeling about sex with a man.

    I think this too would be something too hard for me to deal with.

    0|3
    1|0
    • Yeah I think the asker's reaction is actually one of the more appropriate and reasonable ones.

    • Show All
    • I don't think they know what they're talking about unless they were to face what you're dealing with now. Try taking a break for now and you can perhaps speak with a counselor how to move on from this and when you're ready, seek the woman you want to spend your life with (hopefully it's a real woman this time).
      Feeling like a woman is not the same as actually being a woman. Oh wow, I too can't believe I read all those nonsense replies too. Right.. I feel like a bird so guess that makes me a bird according to their logic?

    • I'm starting to feel this ''The past is the past'' mantra has gotten too far now.

  • Damn, I could understand how you feel but don't feel bad for walking away, she lied to you. I'd get pissed off too so I'm not mad at ya for telling her to fuck off. All that anger is just from you loving her so much and for you to find out something like this is just terrible but if it is possible to forgive her than do it but if it is not... Simply Walk away.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Well, it's really your call. I suppose she didn't actually have to tell you at all. Ever. Depends how much you love her or want to make it work.

    1|1
    2|0
    • What? You're telling that a a transperson shouldn't have to tell their partner ever? That's dumb... I can't trust her again, so of course I'm ditching her.

    • Show All
    • That she lied... And that I can't have biological children with her... I don't give a shit if she's trans, but that doesn't make me want to be with her.

    • Well, understandable, it seems you've made up your mind about ending the relationship.

  • Well personally, I wouldn't see why that's something a person had to share. I mean legally, she is a woman now. I could see if this was pre operation and they still had man genatelia, but now she has everything a girl born a woman has. Though I do understand why you'd be upset, since you guys are supposed to share everything. Have a talk with her, that's what's going to help the most.

    0|0
    1|0
  • Well, she's a 'her' now so does it really matter what her past is? You fell in love with her. Imagine if you were in her position, you would find it difficult to to confess. I don't think you should break up with her just because of her past gender. If you're really in love with her then you should get past this. I think you should tell her you're sorry for the way you acted.
    I wish you all the best.

    1|0
    0|1
    • You do know that a vagina that is man made is not the real thing?

    • Just saying guys that like to orally please a woman will never want that and also guys inherently have the desire for children A healthy male that wants to reproduce will never choose a man turned into a "woman".

  • The biggest red flag is that she engaged in intimate activity without telling you she was a MNA. Which is WRONG. You have your choice weather or not you want to do things with her.
    I know people are gonna be like forgive her when's mentally a women. Blah blah blah.
    I'm jot gonna get into all that. But she lied and betrayed you. That's so low.

    0|1
    0|0
  • You fell in love with her personality and who she is, not for what she WAS. She is a woman now, it must've been hard for her to tell you so if you decide to leave her (which I wouldn't do) at least do it respectfully and make her understand, in a nice way, that it would be weird for you to be with her.

    1|0
    0|0
  • They need sex too. How could you not noticed the difference between a real hole and an artificial hole?

    0|0
    0|1
    • "They need sex too" -- wtf?

      There isn't much of a difference tbf

    • Show All
    • I don't love her anymore , so I couldn't care less about her.

    • which means the love isn't strong, and i believe you already know how you should resolve the issue now

  • I would leave him if i was in your shoes.. You say you love him but you'll never have children with him, you'll always know he lied to you, you'll always remember he is a HE. It must be painful but you'll find a WOMAN who you can get engaged with and marry her. Move on, stay strong and be positive. Be happy that you got rid of him

    0|0
    2|0
    • So freaking disrespectful and inconsiderate to call HER a guy when she feel like she is a woman. Yes, what she did to wasn't exactly ide

    • Yes, what she did to him wasn't exactly ideal but think about what she must've felt like. She told him when she could've kept quiet. I understand that he feels betrayed but you don't find love everyday and you (asker) should really ask yourself the reason why you are breaking up with her. Is it because she was physically born a guy or because she didn't tell you right away?
      I'm not going to tell you what to do but just remember that she must love and trust you a great deal to be able to tell you her absolute biggest secret.

  • Perfectly understandable to leaver her.. You'll never be able to trust her moving forward. I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but I wish gay guys would just fall in love with lesbian girls and vice versa.

    0|1
    1|1
    • It is not really shallow if she cannot function like an actual biological woman.

    • Show All
    • If gay guys fell in love with only girls who are interested only in females, then they'd all just result in a heartbreak :P

    • Don't get me wrong coz I have gay friends I love dearly, and one of my bestfriends is gay. I've seen what I was saying happened. A gay guy was married to a lesbian girl, and heard other similar stories too and it seemed less complicated for them. That''s what I was saying. However I understand they all are different, as what I was saying was more applicable to transexuals.

  • You are engaged after 9 months and you have a problem with her? Isn't that a little fast to begin with. I do completely understand why you would be uncomfortable with it, buy she's still the same girl that is your fiance and that's a big decision to make

    0|0
    0|0
    • You don't get it do you. She lied to me.. Why the hell would anyone want to spend the rest of their life with a liar. I've lost all physical and emmotional attraction for her, and it's over. I can't see myself with her anymore.

    • Show All
    • Its not a lie if you didn't ask her. She just didn't tell you. If you asked and she said no, that would be a lie. Maybe next time you get engaged you should get to know your partner better?

    • Don't ask for help on here if you don't want it

  • I wouldn't be able to cope mentally being with a trans person. Combine that with my partner lying to me about this for 9 months?
    I'd dump them right away and not return.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I Don't understand why she lied to you for so long. Maybe in fear that you would have left her sooner. If she makes you happy then stay. Happiness is key. -xoxox

    0|0
    0|0
  • More from Girls
    15

What Guys Said 32

  • I'm wondering how you missed the fake boobs, hairy back, adams apple, skinny hips, dry vagina, strong chin, hair around chin, big feet and bigger hands?

    4|1
    0|0
    • There was none of that. Incredibly feminine... The voice was deep, but not too deep for a woman.

    • Men can't grow real boobs!!!

    • Actually by taking hormones a man can develop real breasts. But other than that you're so right

  • she's still the same woman you started dating. I agree you feel betrayed because you were lied to... and only you can decide what you do at this point.

    2|1
    0|1
    • To me she isn't. I got into this relationship thinking she was a proper woman... A woman I could have children with... But we can't. She deceived me for months and now she expects me to just say "hey it's fine" - not going to happen.

    • Show All
    • These comments are stupid. If a person was meant to be a girl or guy. They would have. I don-t care what the excuse is. I would dump someone if they lied about it.
      I have the right to choice if I want to date a guy who was born a girl.

    • I'm ending it with her.

  • Wow I'd do the same thing. Just leave it. It is good that she actually told you though. Of anything be grateful for that.

    Was there anything that might have made you feel that she/he was boyish or anything along the way

    1|0
    0|0
    • Her voice was deep, but not too deep for a woman. Apart from that, nothing.

    • Man, there should be a law that requires people to tell someone their dating withing the first date. Before a first kiss. But that would be frowned upon

  • Okay let's face some facts and ask some questions first off is she one of those cases where she was born a hermaphrodite and they had to pick a gender, did she get surgery later in her life to become a woman, and if you didn't know the difference and she never told you would you still love her? Be honest because that's the only way i can help you with this issue.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I'm Going To Give You My Unlicensed Professional Opinion, Do NOT Go Back To Him & Imma Tell You Why. A Transvestite Tend To Date A Person, Get The Other Person's Feelings HEAVILY Involved & Then Down The Line Wanna Tell The Truth HOPING That The Other Person's Feelings Are So Invested That They Will Overlook The HUGE Lie That They Told & Be With Them. You Did The Right Thing Of Leaving, He Lied About His Sexual Orientation Which Is A Huge Thing, Women Are BORN Women & Men Are BORN Men, iDont Care About Surgery. Ignore HIM & Move On, Find A WOMEN To Spend The Rest Of Your Life With & Be Happy, Dont Stay With Deceitful People. Cut All Contact & Never Look His Way Again, Stay Strong & Stay Positive...

    2|2
    0|0
  • I'd hate to be in your position. To me personally, they were born a man, no amount of surgery will change your biology, they may think like a woman, but they will always be a man biologically. I also want children.

    The fact that she lied to you to the point of marriage is also not good. Did you think that you were going to have children with her?

    0|1
    0|0
  • Now did she really lie to you? Or did she just take a while to tell you? She is, and feels for all intents and purposes, a woman, and that is what she fits into.

    1|0
    0|0
    • I don't care. This isn't about her, it's about me and how I feel.

      I've lost all emotional and physical attraction for her... She lied to me.

    • Show All
    • It's over with her. I've told her and blocked her.

    • If that's what you want to do, ok.

  • Depends, do you want children? you shouldn't break up because she used to be a he but you should break up because of the way she deceived you, not saying that that is an easy secret to come out with, but she should have told you before sex. I guess it all comes down to if you love her enough to get through all that

    1|0
    0|0
  • Accept her for who she is now; a woman. Don't be so closed minded.

    1|1
    0|1
    • I'm leaving her, it's done, I'm not going back. Close-minded? I think I have the right to leave, don't i?

    • Show All
    • 3/10 ... Move along now.

    • lol... lol

  • I can understand not waiting to be with her anymore but may I suggest talking to her to get some closure and understanding. She couldn't expect you just be entirely understanding but you should at least hear her out and gain more perspective on your relationship.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Shouldn't you have noticed something was up during sex? Even with sex change procedures, I don't think it's possible to give a man a fully functional vagina attached to his nervous system capable of producing fluids. If you could do that, you would be able to reattach dismembered limbs.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I agree. I'm sure that during sex, the made-vagina was probably looking very weird. I think still that even with advanced surgery, some male features are going to be seen. Also, wouldn't a friend or family member say anything about it? Or wouldn't the asker at some point looked at his childhood or early teens pictures? Don't know how can all that be missed in nearly a year.

  • I can understand why she lied to you.
    She chicken shit on you, on her self, her identity.
    But it's a pretty big deal. It was easier to let you look at her as she was perfect. Who can have the guts to let that go with ease?
    You ask yourself one question: is she worth it?
    And you might Consider giving her a chance and see how it feels like.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Ouch, tough break. Condolences dude.

    If I had a girl tell me she was born a man, I'd think she was joking and be in denial. But then I would feel the same way you're feeling. I'd most certainly break up with her.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Maybe she's just trolling to see if you really love her. She could be a troll!

    0|0
    0|1
    • No she's serious.

      Go fart already.

    • I already did and now Ihav2fart again.

      I would feel like I'd have to end it. I feel something like that should be said up front so no ones time is wasted.

  • Thats disgusting. I'd throw up.

    It really all depends on if you can get over the fact those parts down there are penis parts... okay i'm done talking about this. gag

    2|0
    0|0
  • THink rationally. Whats reason for the sex change? If she did it voluntarily to become a lady after she matured, then she must tell you immediately before starting relationship. In that case you are cheated by conceiling truth so better split up.

    But if that sex change was when she was a kid, due to some medical reasons, maybe she is genetically a girl though she has a penis like extension or a non performing penis, while having a performing female sex organs, then you should consider living with her i think. Maybe in that case she is too timid or shy to tell you about it at first.

    1|0
    1|0
    • I don't want to know when or where she changed... She's not part of my life ever again!

  • She/he shouldn't have deceived you but how the hell did she fool you like that? Was it not obvious that her shoulders are wider than her hipps or what?

    0|0
    0|0
  • God damn! Feel srry 4 u man, really wouldn't wish that on an enemy, I'm not into men, that was a man

    there's women that won't date a smoker, people who won't date certain races, but it's a problem to only date 100% REAL women? WTF!!

    0|0
    1|0
  • Help with what? I am not going to hold your hand and tell you whether it is right or wrong to leave her because it is really your call!

    1|0
    0|0
  • What a difficult thing to happen. I'm sorry this happened to you. It stinks when any one lies over something, and especially when it's a big deal breaker. They should have told you early on. It's like trying to hide that you have kids from someone who is going to be serious. They betrayed your trust, and you shouldn't have to go back with them. Simple as that.

    Any healthy relationship, especially one that is supposed to be heading for marriage, is supposed to be about trust. Sex is supposed to be a level of intimacy and trust, both of which this person violated your trust. That is a big deal. It will take time, and perhaps the right kind of counseling, to try to heal emotionally from something like this; I wish you the best.

    0|0
    0|0
  • More from Guys
    12

Recommended myTakes

Loading...