I don't understand the male mind?

I need some advice bc I just don’t get it. So, I dated a guy a for 3+ yrs. We lived together for most of it, he moved out in April but we talked and saw each other almost every day until the end of July. He met a girl at work that was just hired and told me he wanted to be with her (he knew her for 2 days). He told me not to wait but to know in the end there is only one person for him (me) and wants to give me the world when he can-marriage-the house- etc. Right now though, he wants freedom bc he’s getting older and wants to make sure he experiences everything. He’s 25. Since then, he has been black out drunk almost every night, doesn’t work, gets high again, takes pills, etc. The girl is getting off coke, not exactly attractive, lives at home and likes to party too. She and I are total opposite. I’ve never done drugs, graduating college, going for my PHD, live alone, buying a sports car, attractive (I’m known as the “it” girl). He has told everyone she is awesome and can’t be away from her. They spend every waking moment together, either talking or hanging out. I’ve never experienced a situation like this before. What is going on with him? Is he lost? Just lost interest in me? I’m moving on, but I am concerned for him and hope in time he wakes up and comes back. Not now, I want him to experience anything and everything he wants to. And I want to be single for a while now that this has happened. Any advice?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Sometimes you just meet that one person and you know immediately that is the person for you (Some people call this 'The One' effect or finding your 'soul mate'.) It is something I didn't really believe in until it actually happened.

    For better or worse it seems it has happened for him too. It is not clear whether he will return to you. His mind body and soul is being corrupted by drugs, alcohol and the intoxication of a new woman. So much adrenaline and false drama being made. He will be consumed by obsession over her and the substances.

    This situation isn't yours to fix. We can only look after, protect and love those people that want us and enjoy being with us. There is more to life than money and possessions. In time he will come to regret this decision he has made, whether you will want the person he becomes by that point is another matter entirely. Look after yourself and don't bottle emotions up. It is important to let your heart and mind express what it needs to express to move on and heal.

    A person is only lost if they are in a place that they do not want to be in.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • my dear, just as women dont understand men, men dont understand women.

    we give each other a hard af time yet we are each other's greatest weaknesses. its quite amazing.

    i think its best u liberate urself for awhile, if not detach urself completely.

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    • I am liberated :) and moving on...

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What Guys Said 4

  • Right Now They Are Going through What iCall The "HONEYMOON PHASE." All Relationships Go through It & It Can Last For Months, But No Matter How Good The Relationship Is Going In The Beginning It ALWAYS Levels Out, Eventualy The Happy Times (Between Them) Will Slow Down If Not Just Completely Die, iGuarentee He Will Be Back Tryna Talk To You, It May Not Be Tomorrow, It May Not Even Be Next Month But iKnow He Will Come Back To You, I'm Going To Give You My Unlicensed Professional Opinion, iSuggest Not Talking To Him & Moving On, He Made His Bed So Let Him Lie In It, Dont Allow Him To String You Along By His Side While He Is Out Having Fun, Go & Meet Another Guy & Continue Enjoying Life, Stay Strong & Stay Positive...

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    • great comment but f&ck man lay off the caps

    • I do believe you're right and yes I am moving on. what else can I do? I'm not going to stand back and watch him implode along with this girl. It is a very volatile relationship they have. Screaming fights, hysterical crying every night, they don't have a "honeymoon phase." It's been 5 weeks and all they do is get black out drunk, fight and have sex. it's crazy... But he is obsessed with her to the point he's determined to make it work? He is losing everything right now. And yes, I am moving on... Part of me though wishes I could understand his motivation for ruining his life so quickly. He is about to lose everything, job, place to live, friends, etc...

  • Oh, dear, your ex has become a junkie. You are now free to move about the cabin.

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    • Yes, I'm a little worried about that. More than worried. I don't think he's hardcore into drugs but he is allowing the party life to consume him right now. Lol @ cabin...

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    • OW-that is my question, why would he make that decision? btw, he didn't get the new job, she did. He and I work together and now all 3 of us do! good times! I have been cordial to both because I refuse to be reduced by this. Yes, he did throw away a very good life (his friends w/o him knowing it have all come to me in private to tell me how sorry they were and how lost he is right now, that he is a fool and she is horrendous). The new girl and him don't even get along, they fight constantly, she's bi-polar with no treatment and has "episodes." It's insane. he moved to live with his parents, isn't going back to school. It's been hard to watch... I want to help him but I know I can't. So, yes, I guess it's the drugs and booze. I never lived that life, so I don't understand the choice. I was looking for an answer to his behavior but didn't want to admit it. Heartbreaking.

    • I wish I could help more, itgurl. If it helps, just remember the mind gets hijacked by substances; there was nothing you could do to prevent the choice or the consequences. The neurological pathways are altered and overridden. The person is literally a different person, and the logic behind the choices is not rational logic, it is junkie logic - chasing the next high on the path of least resistance. Living at home, putting up with the other girl's insanity, quitting school - all of this goes hand in hand with that junkie logic. I'm glad you are mature enough to understand the truth even though it is harsh.

  • What was your actual relationship like?

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  • Sounds like you're his plan B.

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What Girls Said 2

  • I think he put you on a pedestal and wants to be involved with you, but knows that he isn't ready for you yet... but at the same time he knows that may be a while... and doesn't want to be a burden on you in the mean time... nor does he want to put everything on hold while he becomes the person he thinks he needs to be worthy of you.

    It's not really fair to you... because it means you're stuck waiting too (according to his reasoning), like some fairy tale princess locked in a tower

    The problem is you're being objectified.. on par with some dream home or dream job... the thing is, you're real... and you have your own life to live... you grow and change too

    the other thing is too... dream goals have a tendency to change periodically and whimsically... and often, when they don't, they aren't as fufilling as they were once thought to be... because happiness is redefined
    ... i'm sure the profession you envisioned yourself pursuing at 5 years old is dramatically different than what you do now :)

    Likewise, by the time he finishes baking, it may very well true that you two aren't right for each other anymore... even if he cleans up his act and embarks on a more successful direction in his life
    ... he just doesn't realize that you're okay with raw cookie dough :)

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    • as far as that girl goes... i don't think he really loves her... nor do they likely have a future together... so that shouldn't worry you. i think he's drawn to her because of what she represents... again, another objectification.
      To him, she represents an element of freedom from the pressures of needing to move forward with his life. Everything in his life right now is about escaping.

      I think if he genuinely loved you though, you wouldn't be a part of the thing from which he's trying to escape.

    • You are correct, he did put me on a pedestal. He has said the same thing to me you are saying, "he doesn't want me to be in the picture while he figures himself out because it will only hurt me. He isn't ready for the "big commitment" right now but when the time comes he hopes I am here and we can continue what we started. Unfortunately, he is enjoying his freedom a bit too much and in the process pushing me away to the point I don't think I could return to the scene of the crime so to speak. He has said he would like to get back together in 6 months or when school is finished. He is young and doesn't understand time stops for no one. and I will have climbed down from that pedestal and moved on.

    • Also, I agree. If he genuinely loved me, he wouldn't walk away so quickly. I am coming to that conclusion.

  • Why are you picking a loser to be your bf? raise your standards. He's changed. It's definitely the drugs talking.

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    • lol he wasn't a loser for 3 years and I am moving on. But I wanted to a little objective perspective as I've never seen someone change so drastically so fast. It's hard to understand and watch.

    • I'm sure he wasn't then but people change like the wind. It can be a sad repercussion..

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