Comes home on the weekends. He is very angry and distant, he will not touch me, kiss me or says that he loves me. He struggles with wanting to leave and staying. He believes most of relationship has been a lie, blames decisions we both made on things he did not want but did not say. I believe he has erectile dysfunction. I started councilling right away and he just recently started. We have a son and continue to do activities together although because of his demeanour it is at times difficult. He is not sleeping and is up all hrs of the night. He has lost weight and is always tired. I have tried to discuss things every time with him becoming upset and angry and walking away. I continue to be as supportive as I can while he continues to try and figure his life out. I think my husband is going through a MLC. The once loving, compassionate, caring person I had known for so long has become someone that is generally mean and angry. Any thoughts?
Most Helpful Guy
Well first off, you are trying to fix this using your own wisdom. Stop it. You'll only make him angrier and drive him further away. Likely he has said in his heart many angry, resentful things, and to be honest, 99% of men HATE it when a woman tries to take charge, thinking she knows what's best for the situation- even if you do. Make suggestions- but don't think you are wonder woman and magically know how to solve it. Every time you try and take control, or talk, or suggest counseling, you reinforce whatever twisted words he is putting deep in his heart, which he is using as an excuse to distance himself from you. So don't feed it. You don't know what to do. (Or you wouldn't be posting this...)
You said he was once a loving, caring man. Recall that part of him that first attracted you to him. Perhaps he was more confident, more outgoing, willing to consider you.
Well... You're going to have to bring that out of him. It IS buried in there, under heaps of disappointments, resentment, and regrets. I see women do this to themselves a lot, actually. Believing in some Disney fairytale, then taking it out on their husbands because it "Somehow didn't turn out that way, and he is to blame!"
I believe he has taken this position. You even say he cites times past when decisions were made he didn't like- but he didn't say anything. It's likely he felt threatened by you, your drive, your "I am right and I know what's right!" resolve, which is obvious when you say he only recently joined counseling- making it sound like you had the right idea and he's just been slow to see it.
In short, you must be the woman he fell in love with. All women know how to use their femininity to lure a man. Most women turn it off for whatever reason, and that's when the man is forced to begin to deal with felt rejection. Do you know how to be the caring, sensitive, sweet woman he used to love? Show him unwavering femininity and he will be unable to ignore you.1
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Most Helpful Girl
What I hear from you re your husband sounds a lot like depression... perhaps mixed w/ a bit of a MLC. When someone close to us passes we, especially once we enter that middle-aged part of life, start thinking about our own mortality. I was hit w/ that realization when my own father passed recently. I started preparing for my own passing in ways that I hadn't thought about before. I think that's what's going on for your husband. I don't think he's "blaming" you per se, I think he's seeing his life as 1/2 over rather than seeing the awesomeness of what's left & all of the accomplishments that he has attained thus far. I think he feels regret for all of those things he never got to do & may never get to do... all of those dreams we all had as kids/ young people that for whatever reason never materialized. Perhaps he needs to seek grief counseling.
I'm also going to offer something else up: I'm tentative to add this thought, but if he's staying out of town for work coming home on the weekends I would wonder if he's seeing someone & acting angry & resentful because he "has" to come home on the weekends... for your son. Harsh as it sounds, I've seen it happen w/ men that I've worked with. I hope it's not this... but my fear (for you) is this could be a strong possibility. Good luck...1