We have been together 16 yrs. my husbands dad died 7 months ago, and 4 months ago my husband said he was no longer in love with me. He works away a?

Comes home on the weekends. He is very angry and distant, he will not touch me, kiss me or says that he loves me. He struggles with wanting to leave and staying. He believes most of relationship has been a lie, blames decisions we both made on things he did not want but did not say. I believe he has erectile dysfunction. I started councilling right away and he just recently started. We have a son and continue to do activities together although because of his demeanour it is at times difficult. He is not sleeping and is up all hrs of the night. He has lost weight and is always tired. I have tried to discuss things every time with him becoming upset and angry and walking away. I continue to be as supportive as I can while he continues to try and figure his life out. I think my husband is going through a MLC. The once loving, compassionate, caring person I had known for so long has become someone that is generally mean and angry. Any thoughts?
There is always more to the story. My husband suffers from anxiety, because of a abusive childhood. These things came to light when his dad got sick and then passed away. He has become very angry at me. His therapist is helping him recognize this.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well first off, you are trying to fix this using your own wisdom. Stop it. You'll only make him angrier and drive him further away. Likely he has said in his heart many angry, resentful things, and to be honest, 99% of men HATE it when a woman tries to take charge, thinking she knows what's best for the situation- even if you do. Make suggestions- but don't think you are wonder woman and magically know how to solve it. Every time you try and take control, or talk, or suggest counseling, you reinforce whatever twisted words he is putting deep in his heart, which he is using as an excuse to distance himself from you. So don't feed it. You don't know what to do. (Or you wouldn't be posting this...)

    You said he was once a loving, caring man. Recall that part of him that first attracted you to him. Perhaps he was more confident, more outgoing, willing to consider you.

    Well... You're going to have to bring that out of him. It IS buried in there, under heaps of disappointments, resentment, and regrets. I see women do this to themselves a lot, actually. Believing in some Disney fairytale, then taking it out on their husbands because it "Somehow didn't turn out that way, and he is to blame!"

    I believe he has taken this position. You even say he cites times past when decisions were made he didn't like- but he didn't say anything. It's likely he felt threatened by you, your drive, your "I am right and I know what's right!" resolve, which is obvious when you say he only recently joined counseling- making it sound like you had the right idea and he's just been slow to see it.

    In short, you must be the woman he fell in love with. All women know how to use their femininity to lure a man. Most women turn it off for whatever reason, and that's when the man is forced to begin to deal with felt rejection. Do you know how to be the caring, sensitive, sweet woman he used to love? Show him unwavering femininity and he will be unable to ignore you.

    • I agree, I was the one pushing him away at times. Taking him for granted and not appreciating how he treated me. We have live desperately except for weekends for the last year, and then every other weekend I worked. I was raising our son on my own and trying to do everything. In doing so I pushed my husband away. I acknowledge this. You know the saying you don't know what you have until it is gone. I don't give him advice. I spend a lot of time saying nothing, I have been kind and changed things in my life so that I am able to support our lives now. He has said many things that have been hurtful, not acknowledged our anniversary or my birthday. I have not reacted to these things and in a way I feel that I deserve to be treated this way for now. I love my husband, I am prepared to do what ever it takes. I was just looking for a males perspective

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    • If your love stems from a pure heart- one that has forgiven him and forgotten the wrongs he has done, if you turn it around and return his hateful talk and actions with a genuine smile, you will get a positive response from him. You will begin to have those layers of anger peeled back from around his heart, exposing his vulnerablility. Likely, he won;t be able to even look at you. Tears may form in his eyes over how he has treated you.

      Keep it up. Call on God for strength, He will grant it. He has given me strength in times like this when I needed to forgive- strength and insight into their souls. Don't let a single hateful thing he does get to you.

      He's not a monster or an ogre... He's still your husband. He's still a human being... He might be acting like a child, but he cannot ignore a genuine woman who loves him selflessly. I believe you will win him back if you have the strength and resolve.

    • You're very welcome. I will keep you two in prayer.

Most Helpful Girl

  • What I hear from you re your husband sounds a lot like depression... perhaps mixed w/ a bit of a MLC. When someone close to us passes we, especially once we enter that middle-aged part of life, start thinking about our own mortality. I was hit w/ that realization when my own father passed recently. I started preparing for my own passing in ways that I hadn't thought about before. I think that's what's going on for your husband. I don't think he's "blaming" you per se, I think he's seeing his life as 1/2 over rather than seeing the awesomeness of what's left & all of the accomplishments that he has attained thus far. I think he feels regret for all of those things he never got to do & may never get to do... all of those dreams we all had as kids/ young people that for whatever reason never materialized. Perhaps he needs to seek grief counseling.

    I'm also going to offer something else up: I'm tentative to add this thought, but if he's staying out of town for work coming home on the weekends I would wonder if he's seeing someone & acting angry & resentful because he "has" to come home on the weekends... for your son. Harsh as it sounds, I've seen it happen w/ men that I've worked with. I hope it's not this... but my fear (for you) is this could be a strong possibility. Good luck...

    • I agree, we went from one day showing affection to the next with no longer wanting to touch me or say that he loved me he refuses to kiss me. He has been honest through this. I have asked, actually said this would be easier to handle if there was someone else. He says there is not. In the beginning he said he was coming home to see if his feelings would change, after time he said this was not happening and was scared. We never know which side of him is present, the mean hurtful one, or the some what nice one. It is like a roller coaster. He asks for time, so that is what we are doing. Trying to survive to see what is left in the end. I love my husband. Thank you for the posts

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What Guys Said 3

  • MLC? maybe I think the more likely cause is depression. simple as that. the death of a parent, especially if they have a close relationship can be devastating and cause people to question everything in their life.

    I think you should continue the counseling. be as supportive as you can but also take care of yourself. realize that getting over the death of a loved one can be a hugely monumental change in a person's life

  • Sounds like he has entered the depression stage of the grieving process. Google and let us know what you find out.

  • Even before reaching your second-last line, I was thinking "mid life crisis". Check the page describing this on the Wikipedia, and see if you recognise the symptoms. If he reads it too, it could help.

    A mid-life crisis can be very complex and trying on a guy. Talking through experience here.

    My partner of many years somehow herself grew distant around this period, focussed 90% of her energies on the kids, and would constantly reject my please for some sexual contact (which a man needs so badly on a regular continuing basis, otherwise there's no meaning to a relationship for him).

    A couple of questions: have you been treating him well in bed? Do you make him feel as masculine as he once did with you, or would you place job, childen, etc above his needs? Keep in mind that a death in the family can also aggravate this issue, and make a man want to take the crossroads all the more.

    This thing about him never loving you and it being a fake... that's all subjective. Of course, we can never return to the intense love we shared at the start of a relationship. But we talk in this manner when we begin to feel unloved.

    If you have the patnience and can postpone a crisis for a year or two, it could well blow off... The key is to try and make him feel like a man again. Else he'll fall for that 18 year old who can do it so effectively... and perhaps live to repent it (as would the rest of the family be impacted).

    • The penile disfunction might be a sympton rather than the cause. For instance, I found it suddenly almost difficult to climax (for the first time ever) after my partner kept rejecting me continually.

      On him not wanting to have sex or touch you, do you think he could have got involved with someone else? I myself went without sex for a whole three months with my partner (i) because I wanted to see how long it would be before she thought about it or asked for it -- she didn't! (ii) out of guilt because I was getting deeply emotionally involved with someone online (for the first time since our marriage) and all the emotions were getting cross-wired. Hope this helps to understand...

What Girls Said 2

  • Being your husband's dad had just passed away, it May have a lot with What he feels right now, Why he is treating you like this and also with this------May have thrown his hormones out of check, which is why you are referring to it as' MLC.'
    He may be using you as a Scapegoat to get out his frustrations, lashing out at you, blaming things on you, going through sleep deprivation, losing weight by the minute. Along with his fatigue, which like anyone who hasn't slept, it just makes them Grumpier, Foggier, and you can't reason with them-----His demeanor is difficult at times.
    And with everything going on, Naturally it Is going to affect his sex life. I see the signs of a possible problem here, dealing with dad's death. Perhaps there is something Inside that he cannot cope with, and maybe it is some guilt, "Maybe I should have done more as his son," etc.
    My sister went through something similar with an Ex husband. His mom passed away, and when she did, he felt so full of guilt because of the way he was treating her, which was very disrespectful, that when she died, he finally had a nervous breakdown. It was very trying for my poor sister to see him go through this, but with everything he did to his poor mother when she was alive, it took years for him to------Forgive himself.
    It's not a healthy atmosphere for Not just You, but your son. However, with the counseling you are going to together, let us pray this is what will help.
    I feel that if he doesn't also with this Medical help, Go on some medication which I feel he needs, for he himself could very well be heading for a-------Nervous break down.
    Good luck, sweetie, God bless. xx

  • I'm sorry to hear about this difficult situation for you, it sounds like he's dealing with depression. My suggestion would be to ask you husband what he thinks should be done about the situation, & ask if there is anything you could do to help if during this hard time. You can't force men to make changes, they have to put the effort in themselves & choose to resolve a situation. Good luck & I hope the marriage counseling helps.

    • Therapy is helping my husband understand how when he was in an abusive environment as a child this has continued to affect him in adulthood. He now has anxiety. I have no idea where our marriage stands but I am completely supportive in every which way. I know my husband, I was an attentive wife and work in the mental health field. Know looking back there were some signs, but he has had 43 years to develop coping mechanisms which made it hard to detect. Detachment issues, lack of empathy, unable to deal with stressful situations, avoidance of conflict, no opinion in decision making. I am sure the more time that passes the more I will see. I support him 100% my husband is a strong man and I know he will be able to over come this and come out stronger in the end. As for our relationship time will tell, this is not about us now but about him :)

    • I'm glad therapy is helping, good luck :)

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