For men: How long does it take to get over a break up?

Well I'm going through the classic break up withdrawal (it's been almost 3 months). However I'm real disappointed in myself for how sensitive and morose I have been acting. I am a st8 man in my early 30s, I thought I would be tougher than this.

Long story short I dated my ex for a year but in the later months I started losing physical (but not emotional) interest in her. I thought about asking her for break but couldn't bring myself to do it. When I mean break... I mean some time off to straighten out my own life and refresh my feelings towards her. She was by far one of the highest quality girls I've come across in the past few years. I just couldn't bring myself to ask her for break... so I drove her into dumping me.

I was doing fine the first couple weeks after the breakup. I almost felt relieved until my brother made an offhand asshole comment when I told him the news. He said "you know John... you are going to die a miserable, lonely old man...". My bro has always been an asshole so I usually let it roll off my shoulders... but this one hit home... hard. I lost my temper and called him every name in the book. Then two weeks later I discovered I had a HPV infection & an underactive thyroid. That's a separate issue... but it really hurts my confidence when it comes to finding other woman. I did see my ex a few times for business reasons (and I told her about the infection... fortunately she's vaccinated). She was cold as ice, 180 turn around from the warm and caring girl I knew only a few months ago. I also suspect she met a new guy at her work in the last 2 weeks of our relationship. We were having some issues at the end but I think this guy made her decision to dump me much easier for her.

I have been trying to eat healthier, exercising more and doing some social activities. I even hired a counselor to help me get through these problems. I know people react differently to break ups... but seriously when will I stop thinking of her?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • And.. your free therapy session starts.. now:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

    I was seeing this girl, when I was 21 or 22, somewhere around that age. Just finished with my B. S. in Finance, Math & Stats, was working as a junior analyst at a top 100 business consulting firm in New York, Wall Street warrior, pulling in about 82-88 hour workweeks, and my happiest moment was having my boss offer to rent me a hotel room across the street from work so that I could sleep there overnight, and come back to work the next day to avoid wasting 2 hours going back and forth from the trains. And like the idiot that I was, I gladly said "yes," and it made my whole week. I felt like I was doing something with my life, and I was too busy to see that I was alone.

    Enter Tiffany (not her real name), an 18 y/o aspiring actress/model that I fortuitously met when she wrapped her arms around me in a drunken stupor at some piano bar. We were dating for about 2-3 months, and unbeknownst to me, we were on two completely different wave-lengths. I worked out the financing on a $74k ring from.. Tiffany's, and I was ready to just make her a part of my life. In my mind, this was it. We were happy, we had chemistry, the sex was fantastic, we had loads of fun together. The only problem is, that's all she was interested in. She was in for the ride, not the long haul. She wasn't interested in the long haul. That wasn't romantic for her. That was terrifying for her, because it meant the fun stopped.

    So, when I asked her if she wanted to get an apartment and move in together, she said no. Well, I wasn't going to ask her to get married after that! And thank God I didn't, because I found out that while I was at work 88 hours a week, he was hooking up with her exes... as in plural... as in all the way.

    For the first 4-7 days, I was in shock. My brain couldn't really register what just happened. Afterwards, I realized I was falling into a very low and dark place, until day 40-50, where things got better.

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    • lol... nice

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    • Ty, for the more personal comments. As far as your ex & the HPV situation, it's okay that you got it out of your system, but don't talk to her again. And if she reaches out to you, decide right now whether that situation is over, because if it is, you need to be prepared to reactively tell her "no" in a police way that doesn't give off any underlying inner hostility towards her (because there should be none). As far as the HPV, from what I understand, although I'm no doctor, it's manageable. Plus, there are a lot of online dating communities for people who also have HPV. That's difficult, but I would try, as much as you can, put that in perspective. Don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. Just because things are not "perfect" in life doesn't mean there's anything wrong with enjoying something "good." Rather than feel "broken," try to manage your situation, and focus on your positives, because that's what someone who is okay with your HPV will focus on anyway.

    • I'm about 90 percent sure she has some sort of form of HPV (and you probably do too) but she just doesn't have any symptoms. It is the most common STD in the United States. 3/4 of sexually active adults will come across it sometime in their lives. Most people's immune systems fight it off before they even notice anything. My immune system was compromised from the stress of the break up (the break up lead to a break out... cruel cycle). Anyway I'm not getting on a STD dating site... I hate that recommendation (although it was well intended) because it makes feel like I'm joining a leper colony. I'm just going to be responsible and bring it up to future date if we do decide to get intimate. I hit my all time low point about HPV... but after I got educated about it I'm feeling much better. I wish more people understood HPV.

      I made a stickk goal to stop contacting my ex for 2 months. If she does reach out to me (which I doubt she will) I will be polite but curt.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • To be honest sounds like she been gone before you dropped the news on her. hPV is common and extremely common with teenagers. With the correct healthcare professional it can be handled. Sounds like you guys had other underlying issues dude. If she was into you. A talk should have happened. But hey I once knew a guy who was into this chick and my friend told me she saw pictures of the chick on Facebook a while back. I felt bad cause I had a bad feeling about the ending. But my friend is getting through it. He will be just fine

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    • yeah she got over me... ruthlessly quick. I didn't she was a capable of that... however I think this new guy has helped obliterate her leftover feelings for me. Ironically I secretly wanted her to be a little more bitchy (she was too nice when we dated) but I never ever wanted her to act like this. I never did anything to purposely abuse her (didn't cheat, hit her or yell at her). Oh well it's done.

What Guys Said 2

  • It's depends on the person your getting over. Some people think it's better to never tell the truth so they kind of leave you hanging out there in oblivion not knowing what happened. The answer is always the same. That person who hides their feelings and never tells you what happened for whatever reason thought you were not good enough for them or worthy of their respect in one way or another. I am sure you want to disagree so I will go ahead and counter that with you said it yourself. "I started losing physical (but not emotional) interest in her. I thought about asking her for break but couldn't bring myself to do it." How could you possibly lose physical interest in her unless you saw yourself as suddenly too good for her or she was letting herself go? Either way you could have talked to her but you didn't. She was the same person when you met her. I have been in your exact same shoes around that age and I can only warn you that the next one you meet you will put it all out there knowing you screwed up something good and you better hope she is a good person.

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    • Yes I know I fucked up... hindsight is 20/20. Well let's hope I meet that next girl. I hate to admit this considering how old I am... but she was my first very serious girlfriend.

  • You gotta find a rebound. I know this sounds awful but its true.

    At the moment you are in a state of loneliness that you need to find your own way out of.

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    • I ran out and did that a few times until I found out HPV infection. It's actually not that big of a deal... but I got a conscious. I have to tell future women about it.

    • Just stay safe bud! And good job for being responsible. But yeah man, life struggle and you have to keep pushing on.

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