Overreacting? Found nudes in my Husband's email. (Short and simple)

Alright, so.. I am not entirely sure what is and is not appropriate to say. First off, I will always love my Husband. He was and is a major factor in my life. So, please.. leave the bad comments out of this.
Alright, so this happened a week ago. My Husband picked me up from work and I was dropping him off at his work since we share a car. We ended up chatting with one of his coworkers and then he walked towards the front. I was driving off and then my phone rings, it's the coworker asking me to come back and bring him his phone with the excuse of "he says he needs to check his bank account." Which was odd to me. So, I turned around. --Mind you if I had noticed his phone was in the car to begin with I would have happily turned around and dropped it off without a second thought, but the presentation and excuse. The excuse bothered me.--
So, I get to the light before I am to turn into the area of his work and my gut took over. I felt uneasy. He had been strange lately. The last two months to be exact. We had been rocky and I admit my expressing of concern hasn't always been.. well, fantastic. When I feel like l'm losing him I go into defensive mode. Anyway, getting side tracked, but I feel it's important to have all aspects of this. I look in his phone and see a picture of his, well, his penis. Now, he isn't the type to just to take pictures of himself like that.. so I snoop a little further. I go into his gmail and there it is. Picture upon picture of another woman. I grew very quiet as I tried to process this. It didn't make sense to me.. and most of all, it hurt. It wounded me. She didn't seem like anything special. She had everything I have except a lot more miles, in my honest opinion. I was shocked. There was at least 18 pictures. The part that bothered me was how obvious this was trying to be hidden from me. In the email it was sent to him from him on that email. "Why" was all I could ask. (Continuing in comments due to lack of space here.)
Of course he was not answering me right away, but he eventually answered it. Saying it was some random woman from a game we play. He said he encouraged it for a week and then stopped out of guilt. Now, he had pulled away from me in his sleep. (C)
He even smelled differently. There were red flags that popped up and I dismissed it, because he was so loving. Each waking moment he asked me,”Do you know how much you mean to me? How much I love you? Well, you mean everything to me.” (C)


Most Helpful Guy

  • You listened to your gut, good. It will never lie to you.

    I want to tell you a few things. Namely, the thing that is causing him to drift from you. It's your defensiveness. When you are hurt, it is easy and natural to want to withdraw... But for him, it's like you're not his mate anymore. In his mind, his only source of comfort and love is... cold and withdrawn. It is why men cheat. And it is driving him into the arms of another woman. Unfortunately, even if he is totally at fault and you have every right to feel that way, it still has that effect on him.

    If the woman he loves is vicious and angry, the tender mercy his soul needs, that his heart pants after like a deer, are turned completely away from you. You scar him, and you scare him. I'm sorry... but this is coming from a guy. You are driving him away with your anger.

    He is NOT justified in flirting with this other woman, even if it is only for "fun" for now. That "fun" has a way of cascading, and becoming a full blown affair.

    You say you love him, and always will. That's great! So many women would sigh, cut and run. But not you. You are a strong hearted woman.

    But now there's hurt on hurt... Do not compare yourself with her. So often a man gets involved with another woman, even emotionally, it is because he "thinks" he "sees" "Something" in her. Usually it's something that he is not getting from his life mate, his wife.

    You're in a battle for your marriage now.

    My best advice to you, is to listen to your gut. Do not let your emotions rage out of control, YOU control THEM.

    Second, become the passionate, loving, caring, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING woman he fell in love with.

    IF you can manage that, and you do it from a truly caring heart, forgetting all the hurt in the past, he will come back to you on his knees, with tears in his eyes over how he treated you.

    IF you nag him, curse him, and belittle him, you can join a divorce statistic.

    • I could never intentionally hurt him. If anything I fell to my knees and asked what I could have done to cause this. I wanted to encourage him to tell me how to correct it. Yes, he made the mistake, but I do feel responsible for directing him towards there. He did this behind my back, got it. I understand that part. But, I offered him the same things. I'm INTO him. I'm attracted to him. I start things. (TMI inc.) I did everything I could to try to remind him of how much he mattered (s) to me. I even did a strip tease to his favorite band and nothing. He hardly reacted. Now, this was about a month ago. I took it very hard, because it was then I knew something was wrong. He insisted he was just stressed out. I am sending him away because I can't honestly fight for him or us, I look at him and I grow angry. I need to get a grip and sort myself out, because before all this, I would never stop fighting for us. I try not to let my emotions get out of control (Continued)--

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    • -- I feel like I'm not enough. I can't show him anything like this. I can't tell him I fell in love with him easily, because he was easy to love. I never gave up on him and I still haven't.. But at this point I can't seem to bite my tongue when the harshness comes forward. I feel him going to stay with friends might do some good. I'm defensive, I try to lower my shoulders, but then I smell the difference on his skin. (To many that may sound weird, but I can smell him and it's off. ) It turns me into an entirely different person. I have absolutely no idea outside of the solitude. I haven't gotten the papers, because I honestly do not want it. The idea of him not being in my life anymore destroys me. What am I do? If I do become defenseless, without pride and I'm wounded again, then what? I pat myself on the back? I am not trying to fight you, either. I am just.. I am so frustrated, I guess when it comes to light, it's mostly with myself..

    • You are only human, hon. You can only do so much. I speak from a heart that has been rent and ripped to shreds so may times I haven't even begun to realize what love is until this last year of my life. I was a cold, unfeeling sociopath.

      This is why I mention God... Some things in life take miracles. You have come to the end of yourself, I sense it, taste it... because I have been there, too. If you are at the end of what you are capable of... I can in no good conscience ever not recommend calling, no, crying out to God.

      This is not hopeless. The fact he is going to stay with friends is a good sign, he has not run away. He doesn't know what to do. He might not even know why he feels the way he does. But every man, deep down wants a feminine woman.

      You were born of fire, I can see it in your eyes. But sometimes our very natures must change. If we want to keep what we love. And we can't do it alone.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Well... the only times I've gotten naked ladies in my phone is because my friends keep sending them to me. I delete them and try to stop them from doing so... from what you're telling it is not the same honestly, He seems to be engaged with someone and that someone has been sending out nudes.

    I don't think you're overreacting at all.

    • I am trying to type out the rest of the details. >< So, let me post it the rest in this comment. (C) A part of me wants to not be angry because perhaps he didn’t realize what we meant, then the other is enraged. “Why wasn’t I enough?” And this seems trivial to some, but this isn’t our first issue. We promised to each other that we wouldn’t hurt one another again. And well, all the times I sat him down and offered him a civil conversation about honesty and how he was doing (emotionally or what not) he shot down his chance to come clean. I found them. His secret. The sad part to me is he claims he deleted her email and I have absolutely nothing to go off of. I am having to trust him on this girl really being online and not here. All the times he was late from work, I will have to trust in him that that was what he said. Finally it’s come to this. He leaves tonight, to move out for a bit until I can get my head on straight. Like I said, I don’t want to be cruel to him, but I’m slipping.

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    • I agree.. I hate the fact that I am turning him away. He's been with me through so much, but I can't. I try not to cry in front of him, because I know it hurts for him to see, but I can't hold back anymore and pretend I'm okay. Maybe it will sort things out. Just maybe knowing I'm serious about all this will get his head on straight.. Flowers won't make up for this. It doesn't make the trust reform, it just really hurts to remember all of our good times because that one action makes them feel meaningless.

    • Trust, once broken, is never the same. It's going to be uphill for a long time for him, and he can't quite expect you to forget everything.

  • The fact that he tried to deflect it but at the same time said it was simply part of a game doesn't make sense to me. I don't trust his intentions with the other woman.

    • She was older. I just, urgh. I can't be angry with her, even though I really want to be a times. He didn't tell her that he was married, he confessed that to me in our talk about this whole thing. I feel exposed and so unsure. He's never lost my trust before, he's never been a "cheater." I am not sure if I can believe it was only online, but I have to go off of that because he can't provide me an email.

    • Wow.. just wow, and you devoted 7 years of your life to him. I don't know what to say.

    • I can't excuse his behavior. I can say with an open heart that if he had told me that he had done it after receiving the first picture I could of given him every reason to stay. But, he decided to hide it from me and act like everything was okay. After that many years with someone, you know them. I'm no angel, but I can say that I would have done anything for me to be enough for him. I didn't want anyone else. Only him. I think it's why it hurts as much as it does. I am shocked. I would never suspect him of doing it. We loved each other, we were good to each other. I can't wrap my head around it.

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