How do I handle getting coffee with my ex girlfriend?

My ex (20) and myself (23) of 15 months broke up in June and spent the summer going back and forth on where we stood. This was all her doing as she was the one to initiate the break-ups and the getting back together. The reasons ranged from being overwhelmed with schoolwork, to most recently depression (august). She told me “how can I love another completely if I can't love myself?” so I told her over a very clean break up that I was letting her go so she could “find happiness again for herself,” while still leaving the door open for the future. Then about 3 weeks ago I found out from a friend that visited her that my ex was “attracted” to this 31-year old guy whom she is a good friend with and works with at her volunteer ambulance corp. he just got promoted over the summer. My friend also said my ex didn’t seem like herself and that she gave off the appearance that she’s moved on. She also said that she thinks they haven’t done anything or that it could work because my ex and this guy are “too good of friends,” but that could have been a lie told by my ex.
i think my problem was i lost a bit of my inner-alpha and struggling to find full-time work in my field after graduating may have contributed to her shift in interest to this other guy.

i haven't seen her in one month and I'm asking her to grab coffee this week to see her before i move an hour away to start my new job. I've got so much going for me right now with that, my new place and a whole new environment. she just called me to ask if i was on her netflix account just now, we talked for a few minutes but she seemed out of it and called me dude at the end...
how do i handle this meeting with her coming up and this situation in general? what can i do at this meeting and in the future regarding her to take back the power and put myself in the best possible situation?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Don't worry about her, she is off doing her own thing so should you, you deserve better, she should of gone back and forth witth you. I suggest you keep your chin up high and do what you need to be doing (new work, new place new environment) that WILL give you NEW romance!

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    • so dont even bring up our relationship or how im feeling at all at our meeting? just be cool, calm and confident and just have it be a friendly meeting?

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    • from a woman's opinion. if i met her for coffee, tried my best to at least be friendly with her and hopefully get her in a good mood, and then told her this: "i have all this going on for me, i got life by the balls right now and i know what i want. i obviously dont need to tell you how i feel about you, but if there's one thing i've learned through all of this its that someone like me especially after all weve been through shouldn't be an option or something you can put on the shelf. I'm going to go ahead and live my life for now, and if at some point you want to be in it, that's great, but if not, hey no big deal." ... would that be a good move and reflect positively on me? i really do want the option of working things out later

    • Yeah sounds good, very well thought out. It doesn't hurt, to actually still be on good terms with your ex's, i am with some of them and its a good experience.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "how do i handle this meeting with her coming up and this situation in general?"

    You've answered your own question: I've got so much going for me right now with that, my new place and a whole new environment.

    Why even deal with your ex?

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • so would you suggest i tell her "i have all this going on for me, i got life by the balls right now and i know what i want. i obviously dont need to tell you how i feel about you, but if there's one thing i've learned through all of this its that someone like me especially after all weve been through shouldn't be an option or something you can put on the shelf. I'm going to go ahead and live my life for now, and if at some point you want to be in it, that's great, but if not, hey no big deal."

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    • You may want her back because it's something / someone you know. It's a secure. But taking her back it will never be the same. Whether she respects you or not, don't worry about that. Do you own thing and trust me more opportunities to meet women who are a better fit for you will present themselves.

      I wouldn't worry about bringing up the relationship at all. If you do, that will show her she's still on your mind. You don't have to be an asshole about it but you can show her that you have other priorities, and she made a mistake. Maybe in time you two can work it out, but honestly I wouldn't count on it. That seldom happens.

    • so just stick to making it all about me deciding to step back from the whole situation to focus on myself, with no talk of her confusing actions? also im trying to find a reason how me telling her this is not the same thing as a break up speech because we broke up over a month ago last time i saw her. how should i phrase things?

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What Girls Said 2

  • I don't really understand why you're bothering with this.

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    • for me its just a matter of not wanting to be in this position anymore. it's been a back and forth process and due to the fact that this other attraction was probably a factor and i didn't know about it, thats why i wasn't able to take any action. i only found this out 2-3 weeks after we broke up for good in mid-august. i dont want to be in the friendzone because then she wins and its not fair to me. i lost sight of my alpha qualities while trying to work through things with her / be there when she was going through depression over the summer, so i want to do something to show i have some self-respect for myself and that will either be to have this meeting and then after that go NC, or when were done getting coffee tell her i need time apart from you to focus on all these things i have going for me

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    • i just dont want to be in this position anymore, i dont want to feel like she's in the driver's seat and that she knows she could get me back if she really wanted to. doesn't necessarily make you want to come back, especially since she already did that this summer. what would you do?

    • Just stop talking to her, I'm in a similar position and that's how I feel. Guy constantly played games with my head all summer I would forgive him try to say things like I know you're going through a rough patch we'll always be friends then he'd say something nasty about me to his friends and even did I few things that kind of scared me and over time I remembered all the nasty things he said and eventually I forgot nice memories. I would say, when two people are still upset over something it's not the best time to talk but if you're just going to tell her off anyways then do it if it'll make you feel better, I don't know what else to say being that it hits me in a personal way so I'm not the best person to talk to. Whatever you do I'm sure you'll be fine!

  • Split thay coffee on her face and tell her
    "Hey ex, you're hot" and I love it the way you look now!

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