How do I handle this type of break up? Please help me answer this... There is an unborn child involved?

My bf came over yesterday and broke up with me. His reasons were that he finds that he isn't ready for any type of bf/gf commitment and due to his past divorce he is afraid of long term. He said that he still wants things to be the same where he comes over to hang out or text and call me etc. I told him that I am in love with him and that by him texting and calling me it would hurt me knowing that he doesn't live me that way anymore. He told me that he is selfish and he knows he needs to see a psychiatrist for help with his issues. Meanwhile he wants me to stick around as his friend. To complicate things the day he broke up with me was the day we found out I was 1 month pregnant. He is trying to process everything and told me that he feels like a jerk dumping me before we found out I was having his baby. I knew that even if we knew that fact before it wouldn't have changed how he felt. He told me he had been feeling this way for a long time. I feel hurt that he knew how he felt during my bday and all of the times we were intimate. I felt like everything was a big lie. Granted, he has helped me in the past and even now when I was battle a rare spinal disease and he has been my support. He wants me to be there as his best friend while he goes to therapy. I asked him if we could work on us after he sorts himself out and he said that he couldn't give me a definitive awnser without going to therapy first. It is hard for me to look at him as my friend and now we throw a baby into the mix. I love my bf and I want to be there for him; but I'm so beyond hurt that I can barely cope. I am mostly upset that he didn't tell me how he was feeling and that he simply wants me to put on a happy face and go through life as his bestie as he figures everything out. I'm not sure what to do. Should I stay with him as his friend as he starts therapy and if he wants me than great and if he doesn't oh well? Do I disregard myself for him? Or do I just Suck it up and do it for the baby's sake?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • So this guy stood by you during a difficult time in your life and he's too scared to ask you to do the same. Love develops over time and he does recognize and appreciate the affection you have towards him. Before you start attacking him maybe you should look at this from his perspective; years of emotional distress that he's been dealing all by himself never burdening you with any of his problems realizes he's been leading you along and decides its best to end things as amicable as possible only to find out he has a child on the way. Lets put it this way if you love this guy and want him to love you than stay by him. Because if you leave him now (than add a child into the mix with the battle of support, visitation, and custody) all he's going to do is hate you.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Many of today's toms are sporadic, unpredictable And More and More----Grow Cold duck feet when cornered or scared, quickly running back into the murky waters from which they Should have stayed and never come out of. This bird brain is no exception to my golden goose rule and with everything I am reading here, my pot simmering and Ready to boil Over-------He needs More than his head examined-------He needs to be taken away in a caged paddy wagon.
    I am reading between the lines here about this loser 'Lap jumper.' He Decides when the going gets too rough, the waters getting too high, to Jump ship at the Most inopportune lock, stock and Baby barrel, because he doesn't want to be there for you when you Need him the most. His Feeding time lame duck excuses of not wanting to be hooked at the hip, his past with a divorce and his Squawking is Not flying with me, ruffling a few of my own feathers to boot. This Running rooster is this Dead beat dad even before the egg's cracked. He's Not even a 'best friend' but Wolf in sheep's clothing who has known how he felt before he dropped this Bogus bomb on you, deciding to blast off on the Day of The-------Not so blessed event.
    He may have been your knight in shining armor with your illness, but where does that you Leave now? Nothing has changed, has just gotten worse. He is No longer your life support, let alone any future plans of even Child Support. He is Making it all ME ME Now with wanting you to be there as a bestie bud for his therapy, put on a happy face while he figures things out. It's Not about You and Yours anymore. He already Has it all Figured out, he is using you to ride his pity wagon for the Guilt trip he is Now on.
    Get off this Nightmare Nowhere. It's a train wreck waiting to crash and burn. 'Disregard' And Dump him. If you 'Suck it up,' he will end up Just 'Sucking' More of your self respect and Life from you. Find another avenue... He can't be trusted, this fair weather friend.
    God's blessings. xx

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 9

  • First off find out if your spine disorder will cause trouble with your pregnancy. Regardless to whether or not he wants to be with you he has an obligation to the to stick around. Make sure he doesn't duck out of that. If he actually is having trouble make sure he goes to therapy because he could me using that as an excuse.

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  • This seems like the kind of thing that you should talk with your family and close friends about, because some times they know you better than you know your self. Also stick with him, it seems like he is working on bettering him self, to help you. Last but not least... Stay Strong and best of wishes.

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  • If he is in fact going to therapy you should be by his side and see him through it. That's love. You gotta give what you to recieve. Also he's done it for you in the past. He not in a healthy state don't judge him on what says right now. Continue to show him your love and when he gets through his issues he will appreciate even more. If you love him help him

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  • So... first I think he is an idiot (most men are... so he's not special) it's obvious he cares about you in a lot of ways that should generate a great relationship. So to give up on each other when you both really need each other does not make sense.

    This is my read he is running from his real feelings. Tell him that you will wait forever for him but set rules... tell him how you feel. Remind him that decisions you make now together will have an eternal effect on both of you.

    I think if you tell him that you still want to be a couple he will listen. Give him the security in the relationship you want and my guess would be he will do the same.

    But sit and talk with him about options and life as you see it... ask him how he sees it and go from there.

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  • It doesn't matter what you do. Any combination is OK.

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  • For sure if your married you should stay together, but fact is he'll continue to do as he list. But if he can't marry you, and try well what can I say seems as if you never should have started. Being a Christian I say stay with him. Seeing by law your lives are bound. By law you should be with no other man. He was just a poor choice from the start, you never should have had sex with him had you the need of a husband. You should have looked at him as a husband at the start perhaps you would not have come to this. He will always cheat perhaps, stay slim, stay pretty, have your child. Perhaps you can keep him in place. But another broken home won't help. Michael

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  • This is exactly why girls should wait till marriage to have sex. Your ex never had feelings for you, it were just to have you in bed and have you for the days he was lonely until he finds something better...

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    • umm... girls? try all people in general should wait!

    • Show All
    • A woman doesn't have to save anything "special" for her husband. Just because a woman has had sex before marriage does not mean she is a "left over." Contraceptives exist. A woman having sex isn't required to have a child and children grow up perfectly fine with one parent.

    • @knightofthepage what ever.

  • Pro-life Point of View.

    This sounded like he just wanted you for a booty call but now that he is having a baby he realizes that he doesn't really want to spend forever with you.

    Have the baby. If you can raise the child on your own, then its going to be difficult as a single mother. You're going to have to work and raise a son or daughter by yourself, but this will make you stronger. Please do not become a prostitute to support yourself and son. Worst case scenario, you give your child up for adoption for someone who can raise him/her and then 20 years later, your child will get smart and look for you because there will always be a spiritual link there and then he'll have you and his adoptive parents in his life. Win-win scenario.

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    • the guy still has to help support it even if he's not in the kids life. he made the kid with her.

    • Only if she keeps the child. If she puts the child up for adoption then there is no child support from the father. However, there is 0 guarantee that the father will pay child support anyways.

  • When the playpen turns into a crib he bails.
    He should have thought about not being ready for a bf/gf relationship while he was grunting and pumping away.
    A real jerk.

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    • According the the time line she described, he 'dumped' her before learning about the pregnancy.

    • Ah, yes.
      I see that now.
      Using no paragraphs made me miss that line.
      "To complicate things the day he broke up with me was the day we found out I was 1 month pregnant."
      Mea culpa.
      Just a matter of bad timing.
      Probably should stick with the guy. She has nothing to lose with a bit of positive upside.

What Girls Said 18

  • This sounds like a very complicated situation and I'm so sorry that you have to go thought that. First priority on the table should be the baby. What kind of future you want for it? If a farther is in the picture that doesn't necessarily indicate that the child will be better off, if your not happy. It will affect the way the child will see the world. Furthermore, don't forget that this guy is aware of your situation and still acts this way. He is consciously hurting and perhaps even the baby (female emotions are very closely linked to the fetus) of course and consideration he does seem to have issues and want solve them. My best advice would be to stay out of this process, I understand that you want to support him in this change, but you gotta be aware of your own needs now. If he deals with his issues and decides then that he want to be in your life or the babies life that's great. But right now my greatest advice would be to stay away. It won't be easy but you got to stay strong and simply hold your ground and show him that you won't allow him to hurt you. Best of luck sweety

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  • Leave him. Children doesn't mend a relationship it just makes it deeper!! Your better without him. Is it going to be hard yes for you.

    No for the child's sake... Not to be a mom or mean you should've thought about that before you laid down with him a child NEEDS his/her father and your now responsible of bringing him/her in this world without one. Like I said its hard.

    My mom worked Her ass off by herself and I'm doing just fine !!

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  • Don't 'suck it up' for the baby's sake. If this guy is mature enough to have sex, he can be mature enough to accept the consequences. 'If you grow up now, you can be in my life' is what I would tell him. Otherwise, he's too immature and doesn't deserve him. Being a true model of self-respect is the best gift any parent could ever give their child.

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  • In my opinion you need to do what you feel capable of doing. Your having a baby. That alone is going to throw your mind and body for a loop. You are going to have massive mood swings. You will be bloated and uncomfortable, you'll have food cravings, stupid things will make you cry, basically its an emotional roller coaster and you will be the one needing support. If he can do that for you and your baby then yes I say be there for him. Support each other. If he is not able or capable to help you while he gets his own life and mind straight then no drop him. I know that sounds harsh, but you have a baby to think about which means taking care of yourself. And if someone is constantly counting and depending on you while offering no support or consideration in return it will leave you completely drained and possibly resentful. I offer pretty much the same advice if you decide to terminate your pregnancy. The possibility of feeling extreme remorse and regret for. some women can be maddening. If that were to happen to you, you would need someone to help hold you up. I hate to say it because I know your heart is breaking but he prolly did the right thing and you should be thankful he was man enuf to admit it and tell you the truth. I also think its pretty obvious he cares about, maybe even loves, you. Especially when you consider him asking you to be his support while he goes to therapy. I know it will be hard for you to just be his friend and I would advise you against holding out hope that you two will get together after he gets help. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you figure out the best solution for you. I am truly sorry you got dealt such a raw deal :(

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  • First you need to stop being so selfish because it seems like he isn't over his divorce and was looking for a feel good he is seriously hurting if you love him youl have to understand and b by his side hell def. Apprechaite and y'all need to keep a relationship for the baby just stay by his side

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  • Just go with what he sais that y'all could do with the texting, calling, and him coming over. You have awhile before the baby comes so don't stress yourself out and just see where all of this takes you. Maybe you two were getting pretty serious and he got scared. He probably isn't ready for a serious relationship right but at least he didn't run away and leave you alone with the baby.

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  • Wow. I'm so sorry. No one should have to go through all that.
    First off... are you keeping the baby? How involved do you want the baby's father to be? I know it's soon, but you need to think about these kinds of things. If you want the father to help you raise the baby, you might as well stay in touch with him. Maybe not as BFFs, because that will be hard for you, but as acquaintances.
    That being said, it's dangerous to get your hopes up about him taking you back. It doesn't sound like he wants to be with you permanently, and you don't need a temporary relationship right now. You don't need the extra stress and pain that it will bring if he breaks up with you again. I would advise you to try and move on.

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    • I am keeping the baby, definitely. Whether he is there or not, I'm strong and can manage it on my own if need be.

    • @TheMotherFuxker
      that was way harsh and super uncalled for. We know a snippet of her life and a sliver of this situation. There is no need to flippantly disregard common decency because your hidden behind a computer screen. I am pro-choice all the way. However, I do believe its a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly and for you to say its the better option when you know a sliver of a snippet... well you're ignorant as hell and I pity you.

  • Stay far away from this guy. It sounds like a lot of excuses. He has issues and is having difficulty processing everything? He's not the one with a baby growing inside his body! He should feel like a jerk for dumping you because he is one. Let him work through his issues and come to you when he's grown a pair of balls. This is not somebody you can rely on when you're pregnant.

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  • Forget about him and find a different guy - somebody who will support your baby and take care of you while you are on maternity leave.

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  • Either way you're stuck with him now, he's the father of your baby. If he doesn't feel the same for you, there's nithing you can do to make him. I would think long and hard about what it might do to you emotionally to be his rock when you love him, you're carrying his child, and he doesn't love you. You're babys best interests are key here, and you falling into depression of him could hurt the pregnancy. I would say for your mental and physical state it would be best to keep him at arms length. He needs to figure out what is going on by himself. No one else can do it for him

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  • Honey, he been messing around and doesn't wanna be with you. The best thing is move on and make sure he takes care of that child.

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  • Soooo odd that he would bring up that he needs therapy... that may have just been his way of taking on the blame himself, but actually if he is serious about the therapy thing then go with him - demand to be there in every session and make sure the therapist knows you are pregnant. Then work from there, but if he doesn't go to therapy be glad he is out of your life and when the baby is born go after him for child support. Focus on your baby right now, though - try and keep as calm as possible for the baby's sake. And if the baby is a boy make sure and raise him up to be more of a man than his father.

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  • after reading your doubt, i will say life never gives only 1 chance it teaches and gives chances ahead. may be i understand you well about your feelings, and everything that you were going through. i must say now end up and move on with your own self and life, tomorrow is tomorrow you may get who may be more concerned and helpful throughout with and have deep respect about your feelings.
    Intimate was actually never meant to be a pleasure untill and unless you dont fall and make a complete sentence and definitiona about "Love". let him give way to check out with imself and try to make him understand that you may not be his bestie coz it will definitely hurt you within that you got for him.
    Make yourself clear out and let him know how was he with you and what all he exactly needs in his life.

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  • Honestly, I don't think you have any business raising this child. This situation is a huge mess and a child deserves better than this. And next time, use birth control and/or use it correctly.

    Besides that, I think you need to let him go. Stop calling him your boyfriend---he broke up with you. He's your ex now. Pick yourself up, put some distance between you two, and focus on your next steps for your life. Take care of you. Men come and go but you can give yourself your own security by working hard and being independent.

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  • Be his friend now, so that by the time the baby gets here you'll be used to things being that way. You need to bring your baby up in the most stable way possible so if that means being friends, even if you want more that's the way it has to be. It's no longer about you, or him, it's about the baby. Sorry to hear that you're in this position. Just take it day by day.

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  • I do not know if it is because I never went through this, or I am too young. But, when he got intimate with you later to find out you are carrying his child and decides to break it off to me that just sounds like someone who is scared and wants a way out. I have a hard time trusting people but to me if he was "feeling this way for awhile" then he shouldn't have got intimate with you! I think he is just running away now because you are pregnant , he is like oh I will be your friend BUT HE DIDN'T say I will help you raise our child, pay for our child, love his/her mom. I would ask for his psychiatrist name and call and make sure he is actually going to therapy. But that is just me!

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  • OK from what you are saying he came over so you obv dont live together, he told you he can't be with you bit wants to be friends he told you he needs help medically. This man can't be there for himself never mind to support a new mother and a baby. Do you know how hard it is bringing up a baby? How much it costs? Do you have a support network other than this man? Because you will need it!!! Bringing a baby into the world is not a game and is not easy this is a tiny little life that is so dependant on the people who care for it if you have health issues and he still can't deal with things what are you going to do who is going to help you and support you. I know its hard and I dont condone this unless its for the best interest of the unborn but you are only a month pregnant maybe you should not have the baby, and if you want to be there for your partner and work things out maybe its bettrr to offer him your full support get back on track then think of having a bby together. I have two children and the only reason I could do it was because I had my mother who basically played the other parent taken them to nursery while I went to work i collected them she cooked dinner i bathed them you need to really think aboit this. And do not think having a baby in the mix will. help. because it won't what if you get the bby blues you can't bond and need support your partner can't help or. give you support. His therepy won't work over night this could take two years of sessions and you need hos support. from day one when a bby is due. You really need to think. about what you want long term and if its him and a family you need to think if. throwing a family at him right now. is. going to achieve this.

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    • Sorry about all full stops my phone is being weerd

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