How am I supposed to forgive him? Please help!

he hurt me like no one ever did im over him but i can't fully move on at all (counseling/therapy is not an option)

someone said in order for me to move on i have to 1) get over him (which i have)
and 2)... i have to.. forgive him, for myself.. (which seems almost impossible)

how am i supposed to that? :( he hurt me sooo badly and because of him i know have horrible trust issues and i get super defensive around men specially when they hint they like me or something.

i have to work out this resentment towards him and move on... how?
i cut off contact with him years ago and i just can't forgive him for what he put me through


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It may sound stupid, but you should see some other people. When you think about loving someone, you think of him and that's where the trust issues come from. Do you have any guy friends? That could be the first step to create some trust in the male community. Try to get a guy friend and maybe you can get a boyfriend later. You don't have to forgive him. Your biggest problem is not him, but the trust issues he gave you. Good luck

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    • i thought about it but then wouldn't that guy just be a "rebound" ? i can't do that to someone lol

      and yes i have guy frineds, im fine around males its just when things start to get romantic i get all defensive

      and you're actually making a lot of sense. its not him its the trust issues he caused...

    • Nah, I don't think it would be a rebound, because you don't got any feelings anymore for that guy. hmm, it looks like you don't really got trust issues towards the male community, but more towards loving someone in a romantical way, wich makes it even harder! have you ever liked someone after him?

    • I don't know if im comfortable with it though I don't know

      liked as in crush or found someone REALLY attractive and was drawn to them? yes xD
      or liked as in actual liked and did something about it? nope

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What Guys Said 2

  • Sometimes forgiving can be humanly impossible. I don't know if you believe in God, but I believe there are some types of brokenness that can only be fixed by the one who created us in the first place. If you're comfortable with that possibility, start praying for help to forgive this man and see what happens over time.

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    • yes i do and yea you're right

      i kinda just prayed to get over him and did my best too and it worked but I don't know about forgiving him... i think its just something i have to go through... some kind of redemption maybe I don't know

    • Yes. The decision to try and forgive someone can be instant in your mind, but it is sometimes a long process requiring lots of time and prayer for your heart to do the same. Best of luck, and God bless!

  • What did he do? I know it is personal but in order to know what he did, I will tell if it is worth forgiving or not.

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    • lol no its ok

      basically i was mentally and emotionally (every aspect of me really) was a train wreck... you know that year or time when you 100% hit rock bottom? that was me so yea i wasn't thinking straight and doing things i didn't understand

      anyways long story short, obviously he didn't have to do much to make me fall for what he said and then we were in a "relationship" a little while after that i noticed a girl who was being a bit too "friendly" with him and she actually called him baby, i asked he said stalker i let it go (he gave the lamest excuses about her and another girl)
      then i find out he actually has a gf (has been with her like 2 years before we met) she was the one who msgd me actually again he said stalker (yes i fell for it... again, i really was messed up at the time)

      and then after him taking advantage of me A LOT and after a really long time of

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    • Son of bitch O. O
      What he just did or still do is unforgivable. I think what i understand from what you said at the end is that you have not forgive yourself. And yes he isn't even worth crying for.
      You have to know that a lot (I mean A LOT) of people go through this crap. Cheating bla bla bla... you name it. Still at this age, we sometime do or don't expect to have a perfect relationship or a long lasting one. If it doesn't work, then make sure it won't happen on the next relationship... because after all we learn from mistakes.
      All you have to do is to understand this isn't your fault, it happens to many people, and you move on by forgiving yourself. About Mr. Assface, forget him.

    • hahaha xD lol yea you're right, actually i think writing about and discussing it now makes me feel a little better
      maybe the problem is that im bottling it up instead of let myself process things

      thanks!

What Girls Said 2

  • You can move on without forgiving him. This might be a very brutal comparison, but for instance, rape victims shouldn't have to feel the need to forgive the person/people who raped them in order to properly move on. There are some things that people might have done to you that you simply just cannot forgive them for. But you can forget, at least to some degree. So, all you need to do is stop thinking about it too hard, and to just forget about it.

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    • its been almost 3 years... do you think thats possible?
      i really dont care if i forgive/forget i just want it to go away because i automatically switch to attack/defensive mode when a guy hints he has feelings or likes me... hints !

      i can't be that way, i dont like being that bitter/aggressive/defensive/effed up girl

    • Then you need to stop yourself from being that girl. Whenever you become bitter/aggressive/defensive, just calm down and tell yourself that you're overreacting. Obviously you should still be careful, but there's no point in never letting anyone in ever again just because one guy hurt you in the past.

    • yea you're totally right... ill try my best :) thanks

  • i think you want closure, but the thing is, we don't always get it, and you have to understand that. Forgiving him at this point is for YOU. Holding that grudge toward him effects him in no way. Instead, it causes turmoil in your life, therefore, giving power to someone who is long gone. In order to forgive, you have to let go. No more living in that past grief and fooling with the what ifs. You can move past this, you just have to push yourself to Take that step. :)

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    • its been almost 3 years :( i really do have a lot of resentment towards him i wish i would just go away i dont even know why its there... how do i do that?

    • Heartbreak isn't something that just goes away. Depending on the level of hurt, you can take however long you need to get over it But after three years, I think it's time to really take the steps to let go. you may not get the closure that you want, I think that would come in the form of an apology. The best way is for you to give yourself your own closure, and that starts with forgiveness. Don't let this guy have any more power over your life, when he's off somewhere living his own.

    • you are completely and 100% correct
      i won't accept his appology anyway but i do wanna hear him say he is sorry... but yea its not possible, you're right i need to let it go once and for all

      thank you

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