Most Helpful Girl
Don't go down that road I know a lot of people who have and they are not happy at all and regret every second of it. Most have kids and are single because this problem. Just change who you chill with and handle being alone because you really should work on yourself before getting involved in anything. Drugs mess with your brain too and the neurons so your emotions are probably out of wack. I'm sorry you feel this way but I'd suggest staying with family and spending a lot of genuine time with them because in the end they're all the matter.1
Most Helpful Guy
You were my mirror image, fifteen years ago. I was maybe a little more violent. And hateful.
I can give you what I know.
1. Your issue with women is not due to any other problem but your own innate longing and desires that are impossible for a woman to fulfill, how you want her to fulfill them. Yes, they seem natural, and yes, you long for comfort, but no, she can never provide it. You have high hope... but it is always dashed to pieces when she leaves, because she senses she can never satisfy you (inside). This leaves you more hopeless.
2. The drugs are causing almost all of your problems. The highs you experience set those standards I am talking about. If you could "See" your mind when you are blazed (I did meth, too) your emotions are getting caught up in the burn. They are "Heightened" artificially.
You dying inside is what happens when you have these expectations inside (Whether you are fully aware of them or not! Honestly I never knew how tore up I was till God showed me.) that nobody can possibly ever fulfill.
Alcohol has the same effect. Your euphoria is your new foundation. You work from it, live from it, and it is impossible to satisfy.
Truth be told, I seriously nearly fatally overdosed twice on drugs.
It took a wolf who I loved more than life to reach me. I quit the drugs, stopped hanging out with criminals.
It's taken a lifetime, but I am finally understanding who God really is. Without God healing my deeper seated pain from a scarred childhood, I wouldn't be here today.
My best advice is to give your heart, and your life to Jesus. He will guide you. Seek God, He knows what you need. God is real, and He WILL answer you, if you call out to Him.1