Trying to distance myself, ex is being weird?

We've talked almost every day up until when I decided I wanted some distance. I do reply and I keep my replies friendly but I'm not really actively trying to keep the conversations going etc.

During my first attempt at this he said I had been giving him the cold shoulder but also said he didn't dwell on it and just moved onto doing other things. Right, so it shouldn't bother him? Ok.

The following week he again felt the need to ask about it and asked if we were ok, I reassured him that I've just been busy.

Our contact had been minimal and I realized I may have come off as cold but it really shouldn't bother him to the extend it seemingly has.

He's been the one to initiate contact up until a few days ago and last week he even felt the need to tell me he was there if I wanted to talk and that he'd always been there.

It feels as though he has a need to talk every single day, a bit or a lot.

Again last night he acted weird and I even dare say a bit paranoid. He messaged me first and asked how things were going. I replied friendly and he then moved onto saying he'd leave me be. I asked why and he explained he felt I seemed busy. Ok? I reassured him I wasn't and I told him I'd let him know if I was.

It took a while for that to sink in and he even again brought up that he felt I had given him the cold shoulder.

Why is he putting so much effort into talking to me? Why is he being like this?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, he is being like this because you just changed the dynamic of the relationship completely without giving him any reasons, and he noticed. He has asked about it, and you have lied to him and told him it was nothing. When clearly it is, as you are distancing yourself from him. That's not 'nothing', that's a pretty big 'something'.

    It is not paranoia if it is right... and he is right. Something has changed. You are here telling us that you have changed it. And you haven't admitted to him that you thing you two are too close and that you want space. He is putting effort into talking with you because that is what he has always done.

    Now, he is an EX, so you are right to be putting distance. And you are right to be thinking that you two should not be bothered by drifting apart. But it is a change, and he noticed it, and you told him nothing had changed. He asked if you two were ok. That is when you should have said "No, we've been too close. We're not together any more and I think we should be cutting down the amount we see each other." Instead you said everything was ok, that you were just busy.

    Basically, your desire for more separation is a good one. It's needed to move on. But you can't be seeming surprised that he thinks things have changed when you changed them on him, lol. Just tell him what's up. Stringing him along like this is a shitty thing to do, even if he is an ex.

    • I get that he's probably confused about the sudden change in my replies etc, but it really shouldn't be that big of a deal and what I find curious is that he's coming off as more "caring" - especially the part where he calls me 'hun' etc although he acts playful when doing it and that he messages me every day, along with the time where he said he's always there for me. It made me think that he's perhaps a bit of afraid of being left in the background. There's quite a few inconsistencies that don't match what he's telling me, but I could of course be seeing these things from one perspective, that being me still wanting him back and confusing these things for being signs of him feeling the same way.

      I'm in no way stringing him along as we're obviously not together or trying to be and he's clearly not interested in me.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You don't owe an explanation but obviously it's impactin him so don't toy with him. Just end this connection and go your separate ways.

    • I'm in no way trying to toy with him and I do want to be friends. Thing is, whenever I confront him with something, he either throws it back at me or 'lectures' me, which feels rather patronizing. However, I do value his friendship.

      It's like, whenever someone does something to you and you do it right back to them, you see how confused and puzzled they are by it, because they didn't realize they were the ones doing it first? If catch my drift.

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What Guys Said 1

  • He sounds needy to me (VERY unattractive to women) Maybe there was some gap in him you once occupied with happiness and he believes you're the only person that can fill that gap again? (He needs to sleep with another woman to stop this problem) It might be best to bloc him if he's bothering (Sounds like he is and sounds like he's attempting to win you back) but wish him the best in life if you choose to do this, nobody likes a bad ending when it comes to relationships and it's likely he won't be bothering you in the future if you're gentle about permanently parting from him

    • While I think you may be right, I have no wish to part ways. He's a very good friend and supportive but I feel like we're still way too close. Whenever I seem to really be able to distance myself, he does this and pulls me back in.

      It's not like I spam him with messages or get too affectionate, I've been good at keeping those things to an sb minimum but I feel like we're getting too friendly, if you understand?

    • Show All
    • Yeah, I understand that and I get that it's the golden rule of break ups alongside the 'whoever dates first wins' - but it's been 10 months soon, so why hasn't he started dating again already?

    • Maybe he still likes you in that way? Or maybe he feels he's inadaquette with other women? I never heard of the 'whoever dates first wins' thing but my ex did that to me a few times, I just thought "You're badly flawed anyway you no longer fit my standards lol" (Hard to write a list of all her bad traits to realise that first though) Besides, status wars are over-rated anyway lol, I don't care if she's rich, poor, taken, single, sick or healthy, it's irrelevant to me now. I just wish I stopped caring sooner, it took me years to realise she never cared about me, just her own wants and what she could get out of me, pretty sure she has a sadistic personality disorder too, i've met much nicer and less narcissistic women since then thankfully

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