Are you able to move on from your current relationships without hurt or anger? Are you able to fully move onto a new relationship without forgiving the last person?

#GAGExpertChat Are you able to move on from your current relationships without hurt or anger? How do you go about forgiving an ex, do you need closure or can you move on without it? Are you able to fully move onto a new relationship without forgiving the last person?

Updates:
This also has me thinking, are you friends with your exes? If a friendship existed before a relationship should the friendship last?
Do you think closure helps you get over someone or is this something we tell ourselves to feel better temporarily

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Honestly one of the hardest things to do in life is to forgive someone who hurt you. But I have to say that in the bible god recommends that you forgive other people and the realm for that is not to help the other person, it's to help you. Forgiveness allows you to get over the pain and not have it constantly go through your head and waste your time and wreck your life. And actually one of the hardest things to do is forgive yourself. I still can't forgive myself for certain things and it's a burden. One day I will though after I make up for what I've done. Real talk

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    • True, it seems much harder to forgive our selves than other people, but we have to forgive everyone even ourselves to move on properly don't you think?

    • Absolutely, it helps a lot when you don't have that burden in your life

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What Guys Said 31

  • "Are you able to move on from your current relationships without hurt or anger?"
    Well, I have been fortunate in that I've never had a relationship that ever gave me cause to be angry. I have been able to move on from relationships without hurt, though that took both time and distance. Now my marriage ended with my wife's passing. I felt TREMENDOUS amounts of anger from that, and sometimes I still do, but she had nothing to do with that.

    "How do you go about forgiving an ex, do you need closure or can you move on without it?"
    No ex of mine has done anything that required forgiveness. Falling out of love with me, though painful, is no sin and therefore requires no forgiveness. Dying certainly isn't a sin, and requires no forgiveness. However, I am finding it near impossible to totally forgive fate for her illness and passing. I've never required closure with other ex's, and dying is about the most profound and obvious closure one can have.

    "Are you able to fully move onto a new relationship without forgiving the last person?"
    As stated, no past relationship has ended with something that required forgiveness. Falling out of love is not a sin. Painful as hell, but it's no sin.

    "are you friends with your exes?"
    One from high school. I am no fan of being friends with exes. Decades of me witnessing my friends attempting to remain friends with their exes has given me the insight that there are three major outcomes.
    1) They try to be friends but about a year or so later wind up hating each other's guts
    2) They try to be friends but about a year or so later one of them ends up having his/her heart broken all over again when the other gets into a relationship with someone else.
    3) They try to be friends and are successful at it.
    Sadly, I've noticed scenarios 1 and 2 are BY FAR the most common outcomes. For this reason, I am remained polite, civil, and friendly with my exes, but I don't attempt to remain friends.

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    • By the way, I believe that distancing myself from my exes has played a major and very positive role in my moving on.

      "Do you think closure helps you get over someone or is this something we tell ourselves to feel better temporarily "
      I'm sorry but I can't speak from experience there. Closure is something that I've never felt except when my wife passed, but death is the greatest of all closures.

  • Interesting debate question on the one hand we as people so often need that since of finishing or end to things on the other hand we try to be strong with out it. so the question holds can we really move on with out that closure. I say both yes and no And there is very valid reasons for it. As for can you leave a relationship without anger or hurt that most definitely is a yes, but with large personal factors that not everyone can deal with. As for moving in to a new relationship and the struggles of lingering thoughts or feeling of an old one well that all boils down as well to someones own experience and if they themselves can except the past and move forward. The questions you asked all really just boil down to can someone let go and if so can someone in letting go forgive and i say yes but not in the way most people would assume. you see forgiveness is often said to be in the since of forgiving someone else, but often more than not the reality is that one needs to simply forgive themselves. we often in a break up ask ourselves "was it something i did?, could i have done something different?, what did i do to deserve this? The reality of which is that often times people simply don't match or work well together, or that they are not ready to really commit to one another, it in many cases it's also could they be perfect for each other, but have not matured enough separately so that way when they do come together they grow as a couple properly which imply's that the simple timing of things was off and they may have better results trying again at a later or much later time. Honestly when its about forgiveness and breaking up it's easy to forgive someone else, but it's hard to forgive ones self we hold on to those thoughts and they create self doubt and in turn if not managed, taken care of properly, or simply just given enough time can linger on with us in to another relationship.

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    • So i do feel we need closure, but that being said the closure is not with the other person, but can only really be found in the closure with ourselves. Talking to the other person may simply just advance that closure to a stage in which we simply need to do minimal self healing or none at all. Self healing and self closure can how ever be done it takes longer and typically has more proverbial hills to climb, but it also can lead to great internal strength. that being said one should never confuse internal strength with fear. the fear of having it happen again there for becoming closed off then one hasn't really healed at all just simply chose to build a mental wall or block which is really not good at all ironically enough it is also often what people do. As for leaving a relationship with out hurt or pain i feel that two people must first have been able to truthfully communicate with each other in the relationship.

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    • That same hurt leads to fear of those things happening again, and that fear very much more than not creates anger, malice, self doubt, pain heart ache, the need for vengeance, a whole array of issues. The only real way to get past those issues in my opinion is to except ones own faults in thing and except that things happen, that sometimes we can't even see at the moment in which there happening that they are really happening, and that we can only forgive ourselves and try to forgive each other and learn from what ever mistakes are made. In doing so we as people and we with in ourselves begin to move forward again and learn and can find that personal growth again. The sad part is a lot of relationships would do just fine and most likely be really successful if people could just before getting angry or frustrated with each other in the relationship just took a moment with each other and really just talk about the issues with each other, and compromise with one another,

    • and really just in the relationship forgive one another. If people just did that before the issues become bigger and bigger then we probably wouldn't have as many bad brake ups or divorces, or just generally spite each other as people. That being said as humans we must except that we are flawed and that we mess up, and make mistakes. But in those flaws if we are willing to grow with them and except them, and especially learn from them as people we can learn and general learn to grow together not only in a romantic relationship, but also just in humanity itself. Well that is my very long explanation and opinion hopefully my words have been relevant to your question and have helped with an answer or to form an answer and can bring perspective to a very complex and oddly really simple kind of difficult debate and question. I wish you luck and hope you can take what ever it is that you need from my words to better help any situation your in or may be in; in the future. good luck.

  • Forgiveness is required only if the other party has behaved in a way that would require forgiveness. I bear ill will to only one of my former lovers. The others parted ways like adults and my former wife and I are friends who have lunch occasionally (believe it or not).
    The one to whom I bear ill will broke my heart in 1979. She was my first serious girlfriend. The entire relationship was a sham. Unknown to me, I was being used as a diversion to conceal from her parents that she was maintaining a secret relationship with a bad boy of whom they disapproved. I loved her as much as it was possible to love someone. When the truth came out, I went into another place and was non-functional for two months. I did not know that a person could be in that much psychological and physical pain and not die. It changed me. I have been unable to feel romantic love for a woman since that day. It left me cold and detached, which was something that the Army found useful later.
    Entirely by chance, I met her again in 2005. It was about 2,000 kilometres from our home town. I was the editor of the local newspaper and her house had just been flattened by a wild storm. She stood beside the wreckage with her welfare-provided house, with five children of varying ages. I pretended to not recognise her. She was homeless, had only the clothes that she wore; her husband had left her for another woman; she was unemployed and living on welfare; and was then destitute. The sense of schadenfreude was almost orgasmic. In that instant, I realised that a consuming love had turned into an equally consuming hatred. I could not help but think that a divine hand had guided me back to her, so that I could see what karma had delivered. Twice the following week she called me and said that she wanted to 'talk'. Saying no and referencing Hell freezing over was one of the most pleasurable experiences of my life.

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  • Yea, never had a bad breakup on my side of the relationship, even to the ex I was engaged, shit happens, we walk into other peoples lives and try to mold ourselves and them to fit what we think is a 'perfect relationship' meanwhile drowning in insecurity and unmet expectations, should I feel bad when these relationship don't work out, I don't thinks so. Do I judge people who do take break ups hard, nope, much like sexuality we all deal with and process emotional trauma differently and while clinical psych isn't my field I can appreciate the lessons it's taught.

    I'm good friends with a majority of my exes even the ones I cheated on, and really good with the ex fiance, I don't hold animosity after relationships, what's done is done, if they need an ear I'll listen, even if it has lead to some questionable moments.

    I feel closure is just another form of justification, an excuse to mask to ourselves and other, we can use it to appear functioning while internally still suffering from depression and anxiety's associated with break ups.

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  • Interesting that you should ask that now. I'm starting to go through a divorce right now. My wife and I still love each other but we just can't stay married. Our reasons are that I did cheat and i want kids and she doesn't. I know that doesn't make any sense but that's how it is. We weren't friends before the relationship started. We actually met for a hook-up that turned into a relationship and eventually we fell in love. Sadly it didn't last. :( She has managed to forgive me but we just can't stay together. I went through a lot of hurt as did she but I think we're both past that now. As far as closure and moving on it all depends on the person and the situation. You should let it go, if for no other reason than for your own peace of mind. It's the only way to be happy and have another happy relationship in the future. Don't be resentful, it only drags you down.

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  • 1. I'm happy in my current relationship. 'Moving on' could and would NOT make me happier.
    2. Concerning exes:
    -I figured out (without her help) why one of them cheated several times on me. I also figured out (without her help) why she doesn't want any contact with me: shame.
    -I also figured out (without her help) why one just dropped out of sight back then. I also figured out (with her help) WHY she got back on my radar and insisted on meeting me.

    -Forgiving? I just shrug: I met much better. Yes, I was hurt back then. Hurt, not angry.

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  • I don't believe in dating my homegirls, it's just bad for social circles all around. Nor do I stay friends with girls post-dating there's no point. I didn't want to be friends from the start when I made my intentions known why would I start being friends when the relationship is over? I prefer to meet new people through my friends but never make my female friends the object of my desire. It took about 1.5yrs to move pass from my last r/s even if it was the most special of all that I've ever had. She passed away and I have to live with it.

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    • Sorry to hear about your gf who passed... just a question... If you aren't friends with the people you date, what do you have in common besides sex or the fact that you are dating? I totally get not dating within your circle, but do you think if you were close friends with the person you love it would have more long term potential... if that's what you are looking for...

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    • @AwakenMySoul21 - You can call it what you want, but I'm saying that it's more than being friends. Most breakups were because I'm getting reassigned I didn't feel like we needed to be friends after plus many lived in different cities & states how am I possibly going to be friends when we won't be able to hangout IF that were the case, because I've only broken that rule of not being friends after a r/s & it was pretty bad drama until I stopped talking to her, so why be friends after at all? I don't like indecisiveness. I'm not going to sit, wait and act like a friend when that is not my intention. I've made my intentions clear, I've gotten numbers that lead to dates, many flings & STRs. What works for me doesn't for you, it's simple. The word FRIEND may be in the damn word but it's NOT being friends at all, it's more than friends. It's a different level of communication & feelings for one another.

    • @AwakenMySoul21 - Why are you sorry? It HAS worked! I have had 3 serious r/s, about 8/9 short relationships and about 6 flings. It may not work for YOU but it does work & I never said that I didn't care. I said I wasn't interested in being friends but I never said that I didn't care. IDFK what kind of guys you've experienced nor do I care, but my approach works. I've NEVER gotten fake numbers, nor have I been slapped or told to fuck off. NEVER. I'm not being cocky, arrogant, disrespectful, overtly nice or self-entitled. It's not like I flirt with every girl I damn well see. There's a sense of mutual attraction gained by flirting, teasing and creating conversation, introducing myself, flirting some more. I HAVE dated girls w/o being friends and it works as I had mentioned before all 3 of my serious relationships started like that. It. Works. I have nothing else to say.

  • I don't hold on to grudges, but I don't think of ex relationships. But my situation is not the normal GaG user.

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    • You know it's interesting I think of past relationships, but I don't ever focus on the bad but the good, and am happy for the happy times I shared with another person. Usually there is some good even when it turns bad

    • I could say that for all but one. She was a total bitch, and the relationship was toxic.

  • 'Are you able to move on from your current relationships without hurt or anger?'

    In a word... NO!

    But, I can apply tools to limit how much pain I experience

    Once we bond with our loved one it is hard to go under the knife and have them cutaway and not feel a thing. I submit, if you are able to drop them without hurt or anger, you were not that in love to start with. For myself, my life is devastated and I feel like I want to die. Anger won't help a thing, it only makes it worse. Anger is always about control. So-called, 'justified anger' does not magically become a inner peace producer just because we have grounds for anger.

    Always remember, anger, whether justified or not, ALWAYS destroys our inner peace, it NEVER promotes it. So to recover from the heartbreak we must use the opposite of anger to heal. Now, we don't have to love our ex in the same was we did when things were happy. But we must love them enough as a human being to bless them... if want a modicum of inner peace ourselves.

    When you catch your mind wandering to the past bring it back to the present moment. Bless the person that is renting space in your head and wish them well... then release them. (The practice of mindfulness originates from Buddhism.) Concentrate on your breathe and relax. Think about what you are doing in the moment and live in that moment. Every time the person pops up in your head do the same thing... bless and release them.

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  • Are you able to move on from relationships without hurt or anger? -- No
    How do you go about forgiving an ex? - You don't
    Do you need closure or can you move on? I need closure
    Are you able to fully move onto a new relationship without forgiving the last person? - I can move fully into a new relationship WITHOUT forgiving the other person.
    Are you friends with your exes? - Kinda
    If a friendship existed before a relationship should the friendship last? - It could, but it will never be the same
    Do you think closure helps you get over someone or is this something we tell ourselves to feel better temporarily? - I don't think it helps you get over someone, but I think everyone wants it for some understanding as to what happened and some comfort.

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  • The best way to go about it is to stamp it of as an experience to learn from because that what life is. if you haven't learned from it you will do the same mistakes again. people are so hung up on their emotions, their anger and their sadness but its futile and not a proper way to deal with personal defeat, take it day by day and learn there is more to life than "her" or "him" don't empower people who broke your heart. I don't hold grudges even against the worst exes... they had issues and i was unexperienced. gotta learn from it.

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  • I used to hold onto grudges/bad memories with exes, but what's the point? There isn't one.

    None of them really hurt me besides the typical "break up" emotional pain and I'm happy for the time I got to spend with them.

    I am on friendly terms with all my exes, but never initiate contact. If they contact me I'm more than happy to chat, but I've tried getting back together and it doesn't work out. Lesson learned.

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  • I think this is a great question and i think you will get some very different results, but if there's a correlation that would be phenomenal.

    I think breakups can be relieving, hurtful, or cause anguish.
    When I have been hurt, I am able to forgive the person, but this forgiveness has nothing to do with moving on.
    When i exit a relationship angry I am never able to forgive the person and I exit as a different person. Whether this mean I moved on or not I don't know but in some cases i improve as a person but in others I become worse.
    A relieving breakup usually causes the other party to become hurt or angry and I think in the long term makes you think whether you handled it right and if you are a good person or not.

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  • I can move on without anger, but not without hurt. If you feel strongly for someone that takes a long time to go away. But anger is self destructive and have no benefit so I let it go and block it.
    A new relationship helps but sometimes it takes time to find a new relationship if you are picky like me.

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  • I broke up with my ex about a month ago and since then we stopped talking. We were talking the first week after I broke up with her, but it didn't feel the same and I honestly didn't have anything to talk with her about. (Which is one of the many reasons I broke it up) You can keep the friendship going, it just takes effort from both people that wasn't there anyways. So why spend so much time trying to talk to your ex, when the reason why you broke up is probably because you didn't want to use all of that energy on that person anymore?

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  • Unfortunately I'm not a very forgiving person, but what I realised is that its very important. People aren't perfect and life is not a fairy tale. People do make mistakes and relationships do require work. We can choose to leave them for the one or two bad things that they did, or we can choose to live with them for all the other good memories that we share with them.
    If you can't forgive, then one day there will be no one left and you'll be left all alone. At the end of the day, its always better to be remembered as good human being.

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  • My ex put me through quite a bit before we broke up and I was hurt but after seeing how she was basically over it before we broke up after spending countless nights thinking of all the good times... They began to feel less and less... Worth feeling.. She lost feelings for me in the relationship, I lost them outside of the relationship... I thought closure would help me move on but it did the opposite. I think it's something we tell ourselves hoping that something good will come from it. Me and my ex aren't friends and at this point In my life after what happened I don't think I'll ever be friends with my exes.. My ex now totally ignores me and I do the same.. After almost a year together we don't even exist to each other. She ended up basically telling people all the wrong I did to her instead of what she did which also helped me move on quicker. I wouldn't keep a friendship with my ex. Period. I forgive her even though she may never hear from me again, but we are cool..

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  • Never been in a true relationship. Only been dealt rejection. I can't say I've ever gotten "closure" not sure what that is or means now that I think about it. I just know that people want it and say that it helps them move on.

    What's helped me move on is knowing why. If I can pin point the exact moment/reason that killed the attraction for her or myself, then I'm good.

    Not having answers is the worst. Those are the toxic rejections that stick with me unfortunately.

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  • Would never know. Never happened to me. But I am vindictive by nature and probably would be able to move on perfectly with hate inside.

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  • My personal opinion is that: 'People (both women and men) need to find it in their hearts to be able to forgive, because forgiving the other means also forgiving yourself'

    Eventually creating a passage to move on, the both of them.

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  • I follow the "Heat" rule in my relationships now. "Don't get involved in something that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds".

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  • i just wanted to answer your question because you are an expert. i like answering expert people's questions

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  • I just can't get over this post here

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  • Well I'm not sure I'm actually about ta be finalized ins bou a mint or so and still have mixed feelings a bout it but it's funny that I just ended up meeting I used to date I high school and this connection is real and even kinda scary because I had a problem with being unfaithful and I know for a clear fact she's not going to tolerate my old ways so idk.. But yea it's hard I was married for 16 years and been knowing her all together 21 so yea it's hard

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  • Al ways remember that in order to move on you have to for give because if you do not then you will carry it on in other relationships and it is not very fair to the other person.

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  • Am I being too "clingy"? Should I give my GF more space while I'm away? Or is my GF losing interest in me?

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  • There are some I'm still friends with. Others who hate me. Others who I can't stand to be around. Some that I still have a lingering romance with.

    I don't feel like I have closure in every case. I do know its possible to find it, I've found it for some relationships. I also know that you can't expect to get it from the love that you've lost; sometimes all you can do is walk away and move on. I don't know if that necessarily involves forgiveness, as much as it involves getting involved with new things with the space that loss opens up in ones life.

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  • Relationship's really do hurt everyone in some way or another. socially as men thats you're pride when it fucks you over it can leave you feeling really hurt and worthless. even just meeting the opposite sex socially as friends doesn't always stay that way life is hard regarding break ups and one big cocktail of emotions. i guess finding someone on your wavelength and who you are compatible with is vital. that's not so easy to find out these days without getting hurt though. ps this site is so good really helped me in seeing other peoples opinions on certain things, its horrible to feel so alone in your own thoughts this site took that away from me sort of. :) so thanks GAG and to all it's users. goodluck to all :)

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  • Yes I can do so.

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  • My situation is a bit different.

    I was involved in just two relationships. Both ended up cheating on me, because the other guys (whom they cheated with) were a lot better looking than me. This was over 4 years ago, and although I have definitely moved on from them, I have become extremely insecure about my looks.

    So now, I have never approached a woman with romantic intentions in over 4 years now. I have developed a morbid fear of rejection. I'm of the impression that women i approach will reject me anyway due to my looks (I'm quite short at just 5'7", I have a boyish face which makes me look 23 although I'm 28, and the men of my race are loathed all over the world) and even if they accept me, they are sure to dump me when they find a better looking man.

    I don't have any intentions of dating a super gorgeous women who is way above my league, anyway. Looks aren't my priority at all. But I'm feeling like me developing a romantic interest in any woman, would be just setting myself up for disappointment. It has a reached a point where, even if I begin to feel a slight romantic interest in a woman, I kill my feelings before they can grow any stronger.

    So does this mean I haven't yet moved on from my past relationships (I don't think this is possible, because I don't think of my exes anymore), or do I have some other issues?

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    • I think you haven't moved on from the damage from your past relationships. I don't think hen it comes to finding true love, looks are important enough to leave one person for the next, over time looks fade, think about it, when you really get to know someone you look at them differently... not in a manner that is judging them on their looks constantly. I think that no matter what you look like, you can find love, and that your looks are less important than how you feel about yourself. IF you think your looks define your self worth and how you feel about yourself, then it is a problem you should seek help for.

    • Thanks for the response.
      I don't think my self worth is dependent on my looks, because I'm proud of what I am and the things I have achieved (which isn't much, but still better than a lot of other people). But that doesn't change the way women see me, right? i mean... almost everyone says they can only date someone whom they're 'physically attracted' to. While that may be true, I really can't do much about the looks I was born with (except drastic things like plastic surgery, which i don't want to consider right now).
      Besides, women today are far less approachable than they were earlier. And I personally feel that getting a woman to say 'yes' for a date is a tougher task than climbing Mount Everest. For example, if I have 10 good traits in me but the woman I'm, interested in is looking for something else other than the 10 I already have, then I'll obviously be rejected.

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What Girls Said 33

  • Yup. I just think the past is past and after a few days to a few weeks, I find I'm no longer thinking of them and it's their loss. I always try everything I can in a relationship before breaking it off, so I've never been the one to end it yet. So I tell myself I've done all I can, wish them well, and walk on.

    It's not normal, I know, but I try to think that there's something better out there. One more tally mark of "he's not the one" just narrows it down by one more person. ☺

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    • It's very normal, you do what you an to make a relationship work but they all can't you are right if you believe in the "one" there can only be one, one... so you can easily eliminate and keep it moving!

  • I always need closure because I hate to throw people away. I'm friends, or on friendly terms with almost all my exes, the exceptions would be those very few whom I could not get closure from.

    To me, a lack of closure is like unfinished business. If you don't fully know and understand why you didn't work out, what's to stop you from falling for them all over again later on, and potentially ruining a new romance with someone who is actually good for you?

    Closure isn't getting over them, it's the clarity that comes from learning what YOU could have done differently, and accepting that you cannot control them. Break-ups are never easy, and both parties get hurt. You're either the one getting blind-sided with "I'm not happy with you", or you're the one realizing "I have to end this 2 year investment, work out 'visitation' with our shared friends, and figure out who needs to move out".

    People grow and change, and failing out of love is a common result. It's never easy when the other person just changes on you, and suddenly can't be with you anymore. The normal reaction is to try harder, to make them want to stay with you, but that's not always the issue. Getting closure in those cases, is realizing that there was NOTHING you could have done, it's them not you, and no one really did anything wrong.

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  • My issue isn't my ex, I'm kinda ambivalent to his plight. I'm neither angry or wish him the best, I forget his existence most days. My issue is with my fiancées ex- she tries to insert herself into his life through his family, name his aunt. Who despite meeting only a few times and living a country away from, still keeps in daily contact. When he stopped responding to her messages she got her friends and family to message him... All the while we are together and getting married.
    She lied to him, said she was on birth control, wasn't and got pregnant, tried to keep the pregnancy secret until it was too late for an abortion. He found out so she got an abortion and tried to use that guilt to keep him from leaving her. she's a very bad person, and she won't let him go. Still in love with him. I fear for our future that she will pop up randomly.
    I can try and forgive her for how she broke the heart of my man, tried to trap him and tried to trick him into having a child. All I can do is try. But how am I able to forget when she keeps trying to insert herself and get rid of me?
    The reason I say all this is because their are levels of forgiveness and levels of moving on.
    It's very hard to let go of the past if the other person refuses to try to. How can my man fully put her behind her when she keeps trying to get him back? All he can do is ignore her

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  • I believe that getting closure really helps heal your heart and it helps you to forgive the other person if they hurt you. In 9th grade I was with this guy and I won't go into the gory details of it but my parents pulled me out of school before I got to tell him good bye. I had no way of talking to him outside of school so there was no way to talk to him anymore. I found out some of the things he had done too that I didn't know about while we were together and I also realized that some of the things he had done while we were together were wrong. I was very heart broken by him and also by the fact that I no longer was going to be able to talk to him. It took me a year and half to get over him (exactly a year and a half). But I still did not have that closure so I still felt a little uneasy about him, though I did not have anymore feelings for him. This year, in June actually, I got a message from him on facebook. At first I was pissed. I wasn't friends with him on Facebook but he has had Facebook since 9th grade (almost 4 years ago). My initial thought when I saw his message saying "Hey! :3" was "Go away! Why are you just now reaching out for me after almost 3 years of not talking to me?" I ignored the message. But then it starting eating at me and the more I tried to NOT think about it, the more I did think about it. So I finally messaged him back. I had multiple questions for him, but I all of a sudden didn't need to know the answers because in the end, it didn't really matter. But talking to him and catching up really helped me and it helped me forgive him for the strife I had felt for the things he had done to me and others. We talked for a week and then drifted apart. The last time we talked was in July. But I am totally okay with that because I got what I needed. I was able to accept what happened and I was able to forgive him and move completely on with my life. So I do definitely think closure helps, but sometimes the questions we have for the other person

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    • don't really matter. Because in the end, what happened happened. Also, the key word is happenED as in the past, already done, gone. So it doesn't matter. What does matter is being able to talk to that person and being able to forgive them so you can move on with your life and be much happier and open to new opportunities and experiences.

  • Let me explain this politely and I hope you return the same curtousey,

    if you make me really happy, make me feel like a queen, and I know that you love me and I love you why would I move on?

    I tried moving on, it hurts like hell. Our breakup was due to outside forces and soon we will be faced with what should have been our anniversary.

    Yes it is depressing me but the thought of losing him makes it worse. We are now "friends" though all we do is stare and speak politely.

    I tried moving on and I can't. Its too much pain. I don't care if there are a million other guys out there, none of them are like him, none make me happy.

    I know I am trapped, I know I should move on but I am so sick and tired of people telling me that. Its my own damn business if I am in love with him.

    So to answer your questions in order:

    No
    Don't know
    No
    Yes
    No
    Second one.

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  • My ex mistreated me, used me, played me, cheated on me, lied to me, betrayed me. It took me a lot of time forgive him but I did. It took me about 5 to 8 months to get over my ex. He didn't really give me any closure he kind of left me confused. I could tell he was making up excuses, he said it was to "hard" when he clearly put no effort into the relationship, and he made up a lot of excuses. Don't apply if you are not ready to put in the work. He treated me like a dog, chewed me up and spit me out. I don't deserve that, and I don't ask for a lot in a relationship, as long as he shows me that he loves me not just with words but actions too then we are okay. As long as he puts effort into the relationship then were good. Its like he wants a gf but he doesn't want to put in the "work" he's afraid to commit. My ex hurt me emotionally, its like the answers were right there in front of my face I was just to blind to see it. But with time I did forgive him, but will I ever take him back? No. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't know how to do there "part" in a relationship or someone who just flirts with every girl when they are in a relationship. I'd like for them to be real with me and honest, if they can't do that then they can leave me alone. I know I deserve better, it just took me a while to relaize that.

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  • When I read your question's title, at first I thought you mean forgiving your boyfriend to move on with your relationship. Many times a couple is fighting, but do people really express their feelings? Do they come to an agreement or find a solution, or they just overlook the problem, for it to come up again in the next fight? I mean, how can a relationship work if someone is holding a grudge? Since something has been bothering this person, and he still chose to continue the relationship, he can't bring it up while the couple is fighting for something else or at an unrelated time, but at the time this actually happens. What I care the most about is how to keep my current relationship healthy.

    Now, about exes, I 'm not in contact with any of them. They just weren't good to me, or the time and occurencies didn't let us keep in touch. I have forgiven them. Forgiving an moving on is the best for maintaining your mind sane.

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  • Depends what your ex did to you.
    I for one won't ever be able to forgive him
    Move on everyone can move on but you have to be in the right mind frame and have to had deleted al your demons first otherwise its rebound..
    Be friends maybe in time if neither of you still have that kinda love you had while in the relationship but I think the longer you was together the less likely you can be JUST friends.

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  • Interesting debate question on the one hand we as people so often need that since of finishing or end to things on the other hand we try to be strong with out it. so the question holds can we really move on with out that closure. I say both yes and no And there is very valid reasons for it. As for can you leave a relationship without anger or hurt that most definitely is a yes, but with large personal factors that not everyone can deal with. As for moving in to a new relationship and the struggles of lingering thoughts or feeling of an old one well that all depend on the new person in my opinion he can help me to forget my feelings or he can't it's depend how strong he is anyway for me I can forget my old feelings so easy I don't know why but I think because I'm strong or weird. am not that opened to people, I did learned from my past boyfriends that opened much mean get hurt so much, I closed my heart long time ago you can say now I take relationships as a game either I wine or I lose it doesn't matter that much to me as long as I'm having fun without getting hurt or pain.

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  • My ex hurt me a lot. It took me a year and a half to be able to be in a new relationship, and even know I think about him. A part of me hopes he's as unhappy as he made me (and believe me, I'm not the type to hold grudges).
    I'm happy in my new relationship but I will never forgive him for what he did. It was disgusting.

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    • can you tell us what he did so we can be careful?

    • Show All
    • @kep79, my brothers are all older and don't live at home. My dad had just gone through a divorce and shortly after needed an amputation. I became a young carer for him. I didn't share what was happening in my relationship because I didn't want him stressing

    • a social circle, friends are always important

  • I'm friends with most of my exes... We're not the best of buds.
    It depends on the terms we broke up on. If I feel as though someone has deliberately tried to hurt me, I do not forgive and I do not forget. Contrary to popular belief, that is not emotionally or mentally taxing. I can dislike someone immensely, for a long time and be ok with that. What does take a toll, is letting the wrong people back into your life, only for them to try and bring you down again. I'd rather avoid that.

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  • It depends on how the relationship ended. Like my last relationship, he lies to me saying he didn't have a girlfriend and he was too confusing, I felt like he was playing games. One minute he wants me another he doesn't. I stopped talking to him, ignoring the fact that I'm still in love with him.

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    • Why are you still in love with him if he was dishonest? Is it him, or the idea of him?

    • I don't know, I believe it's more so of the idea of him because we hardly know anything about each other because there's isn't much communication in our relationship.

  • I try to move on but someone hinders my progress and it ends up toxic.. I've asked repeatable why he does it and he just says I'm crazy and to leave him alone, so I took steps to remove him gradually from my life.. he's an idiot who doesn't treat people right.. you could ask and beg for closure walnut what use is it to hear things you don't want to hear? How they never liked you or loved you and used you? no I suggest the only closure for the broken hearted person is to ride it out write it down have the questions swirls around their heads until one day they have enough of hearing the little voice in their head. the only true closure is wiping the tears holding head up high and walking away with dignity yes it will be hard but there is always better out there.

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  • Yes but it took me a very long time, it took me years to finally forgive. It took me a long time with this one person in particular but when i finally let go of all the anger I had I felt so much better. I honestly do not know how it happened but just one day I realised I no longer cared. I have broken up with ex's in the past and have had absolutely no problem being friends but when I say friends I mean people who would stop and chat for a few minutes if we ran into each other.

    But as the person who got dumped i found it much more difficult to be friends with an ex cause there are still feelings there. Because of this he had so much control of me and I didn't like how I acted, I still wanted to hang out and be friends which was great but I had feelings still so it made things complicated even though I tried to ignore them. I do believe 'closer' makes it quicker to move on but not necessarily easier. It took me so long to get over that particular person cause he never explained why. I use to spend too much time focusing on why rather than just getting on with my life. He just suddenly cut me out which not only hurt me left me very angry I believed we where like best friends. he repeatedly kept coming back into and out of my life I hoped things would change as I remembered what good friends we where before we got together but in the end i have kept my distance, too much damage has been done so no we cannot be friends, he still attempts to talk to me but I'm done after 10 years of this I'm fed up trying to remain his friend.

    To me every situation is different some ex's can remain friends, but I've never been truly friends with an ex if you know what I mean, have stayed on good terms just.
    Afterwards I met someone who treated me like a queen and although that relationship didn't work out (I ended it) it made me realise that I do deserve to be treated well and just enjoy the great memories from past relationships. Learn from thad

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  • I just had one serious relationship. No grudge, no anger. I broke up with my ex mutually. Only thing I found unfilled is that we didn't talk enough why we arrived to the point we decided to break up. I was all for communication but he wasn't.
    It is long time ago it happened. I don't feel anything about it. Past is past. I wish for him the best. We don't talk anymore, keeping exes as friends, is unnecessary in my opinion.

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  • i have a really hard time forgiving. I've never dumped anyone. i'm always the dumped. For me closure never seems to come and i have never truly forgiven any of my exes. I feel an incredible amount of hurt just thinking about it.

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  • I think that the initial stage will definitely have some form of hurt and anger, possibly disappointment and resentment? But after a while I think things through more objectively, and I'm able to move on from the past hurts and start afresh.
    I just remind myself that everyone is imperfect. I will need closure, some sort of resolution because it ends the chapter properly. I don't think I'll be able to move on if I don't forgive.

    Yup I am still friends with my ex, albeit a bit awkward when we talk. Yes, I don't think that a friendship should be compromised as both parties should still be mature enough to talk it out. But this also depends on how we broke off.

    Er closure is not so much of the other person but more for me? I think that it's not sth we hypnotise ourselves to feel better but instead it's just a symbol of an ending, or a signal to move on. I mean we humans are always looking for closure and resolution, not just in relationships. Just my two cents worth.

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  • Hrm, I haven't had a bf yet, but I wanted to say: You DO realize that quite a few exes, don't even remotely care if you forgive them or not? I've seen that type of thing happen to family/friends. Not only could their partner have cared less, but they knew they'd be forgiven, got back with my friends, and used them all over again. It can be a really vicious cycle, and I think it's naive to let someone who used you, know that you're willing to let them do that again. No matter how you feel towards them, you're at least taking a big risk in them taking advantage of you, and like some of my family/friends you also risk YOU wanting to get back with them anyway, by pretending you did closure and staying friends with them :p

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  • i always hold a grudge against my ex

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  • I hold no grudges about my Exes. I maintain a good relationship with most and I am happy we have all moved on and have new lives and partners.

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    • As I am getting older, I definitely am more friendly towards exes than I was when I was younger. I think even before I enter a relationship, I am friends with the person, so if our romantic situation doesn't work out we still have a friendship.

  • in the beginning it can be difficult to get over someone that you love if you've been hurt by the person it can be hard to try to become friends to end the relationship there's a lot of pain and emotions going on but eventually you will get over it I have 3 children and I am friends with two of the dads I have to separate fathers and we are the best of friendsbecause we don't want to fight and live our lives holding onto grudges it's possibleyou should learn to try to forgive and that will be easier when you realize that you're over itit doesn't have to be your fault or his fault or her fault but once you're over it you'll be able to have the peace of mind to say you know what I forgive you even if you're wrong even if you're right and lets just move on and live our livesso we can be happy

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  • It took me at least a yr to get over my ex of 6 years, I did need closure in order to get to that level. It was hard and I was very emotional but I got through it.. it's been almost three years now and I met a really good man. It's been difficult to give all 100% of me because of what I went through with my ex it's a daily work in progress though! And by the way my ex does keep in contact with me just to see how I'm doing we actually can hold a conversation without arguing like before. He's moved on too has a gf andand I'm happy for him. I think being able to move on you have to have some kind of closure though tht helped me.

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  • I'm best friends with my ex, we've been for about 6 years. We were before our relationship, and continue being.

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    • Nearly 7 years of best friendship with mine :) We only just tried dating for the first time last year, for about 3 months. 2 months of no contact, then back to BFFs like it never even happened, and our bond is stronger for it now.

  • Im not able to move on from my current relationship without hurt and anger. I can't forgive him either for lying to me. But I really want a worthy closure even though he has been rude to me. Think I can't move on when both of us are angry at each other. And it has been 5 months :(
    I tried so hard to be friend with my ex, but he just sees my as a sex object now.
    I think its necessary for me to have a closure to get him out of my head

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  • its different in my case.. we were good friend for 10 years before we became a couple. moving on is the hardest thing in the world for me during those times. i say closure is best for you to keep moving not holding onto memories that you shared. remember he/she used to be parr of your everyday life and now you are a total stranger.
    its best to keep distance and let time heals wounds. and at least dobnt dwell on the bad side. think of it as a lesson.

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  • Nope just time heals it -- TIME -

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  • m still into my ex is that a bad thing.
    and yes I hold grudges.

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  • I have never been a relationship. but I have had relationships with a few guys as far as friendships that were leading to a relationship. right now I am actually going through the "I need closure stage" I want the guy to tell me exactly why he just stop talking to me. I really want to know! I feel like i can move on. and stop having the what if thoughts. trying to figure out what his intentions and feelings were everyday. If he straight out tells me, there's no room for my mind to wonder and try to figure things out. I will have the answer. I feel closure is real and much needed to move on. both people will have a clear understanding.

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  • Initially its impossible to move on and not feel any hurt and disappointment but with time, those negative feelings disappear.

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  • im over him but i just can't forgive him for how much he hurt me... i really tried
    i think its getting better though

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