I need some help not making the mistake of blaming myself and making myself emotionally closed off to new relationships.
So my wife had several instances where she stepped out of our marriage, mostly online (which I didn't know about) and one bad experience where she wanted us to have a triad relationship with a friend she'd invited over to stay for a month. I only went ahead with it because I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and say "No way" and she thought that I had consented to it and went ahead, as to her "it's all about consent, and I thought you did".
We talked about it at the time and I'll say that she didn't really admit much responsibility for her actions, and she was too caught up in herself at the time to admit that she had caused major damage to our relationship.
She explained to me that she hadn't felt loved by me for a long time, if not ever, and she had hoped that a triad would make her and I stronger by making me more protective of her. I did become more protective of her... but it killed me and the love I had for her to see another man's hands all over the woman I loved.
I need some help now, because I'm falling into the trap of thinking "if only I'd loved her more / been able to show her my love better, she might not have done this / might not have felt so desperate". I know she needs to take responsibility for her shitty choices and lack of understanding, but I'm looking for help for myself so that I can learn from this, without blaming myself and fearing that the same thing will happen in a new relationship and that I'll fail to make her feel loved and be cheated on again. For context, I'm more of an "effective" lover than an "affective" one. I give and give and give, am thoughtful and attentive, took us out on tonnes of romantic and unique dates and holidays, but struggle more with SHOWING my feelings vs. saying them and doing loving things.
Thanks guys :)
Most Helpful Guy
Sounds like its your fault. She wanted a man, and you didn't step up. There was something she wasn't getting, that she thought and thinks another man could, instead of trying to tell you. Communication is key, and both of you failed at that. But you're a man, never let another man touch your wife, never let your wife think that it could even be a possibility. How was your sex life? There is so much here going on i can't even start, but I can't tell you this already, it wasn't just her fault. It always takes 2 people. I'd suggest talking to me, or a counselor about this so it doesn't permanently damage you. I'd be happy to spend some time with you on this, for free, if you'll allow me to write about it, keeping you totally unanimous of course.
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