Please help me through feeling like I failed because I was cheated on?

Hey guys,
I need some help not making the mistake of blaming myself and making myself emotionally closed off to new relationships.

So my wife had several instances where she stepped out of our marriage, mostly online (which I didn't know about) and one bad experience where she wanted us to have a triad relationship with a friend she'd invited over to stay for a month. I only went ahead with it because I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and say "No way" and she thought that I had consented to it and went ahead, as to her "it's all about consent, and I thought you did".

We talked about it at the time and I'll say that she didn't really admit much responsibility for her actions, and she was too caught up in herself at the time to admit that she had caused major damage to our relationship.
She explained to me that she hadn't felt loved by me for a long time, if not ever, and she had hoped that a triad would make her and I stronger by making me more protective of her. I did become more protective of her... but it killed me and the love I had for her to see another man's hands all over the woman I loved.

I need some help now, because I'm falling into the trap of thinking "if only I'd loved her more / been able to show her my love better, she might not have done this / might not have felt so desperate". I know she needs to take responsibility for her shitty choices and lack of understanding, but I'm looking for help for myself so that I can learn from this, without blaming myself and fearing that the same thing will happen in a new relationship and that I'll fail to make her feel loved and be cheated on again. For context, I'm more of an "effective" lover than an "affective" one. I give and give and give, am thoughtful and attentive, took us out on tonnes of romantic and unique dates and holidays, but struggle more with SHOWING my feelings vs. saying them and doing loving things.

Thanks guys :)


Most Helpful Guy

  • Sounds like its your fault. She wanted a man, and you didn't step up. There was something she wasn't getting, that she thought and thinks another man could, instead of trying to tell you. Communication is key, and both of you failed at that. But you're a man, never let another man touch your wife, never let your wife think that it could even be a possibility. How was your sex life? There is so much here going on i can't even start, but I can't tell you this already, it wasn't just her fault. It always takes 2 people. I'd suggest talking to me, or a counselor about this so it doesn't permanently damage you. I'd be happy to spend some time with you on this, for free, if you'll allow me to write about it, keeping you totally unanimous of course.

    • So it's my fault she didn't communicate with me, and choose instead to lie to me and hide it?

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    • I'm glad were at that point. Now, that you admit your faults here's what I have to say. She's wrong, she's damaged, and she needs counseling. I dated some one exactly that way for 2 years, ended up having some other guys dick in her mouth, so mate, I understand. This was before I understood myself, and love. In hindshight, her religion growing up (morman) forced her to see sex as a bad thing. When she got the chance to finally explore it with someone she trusted enough to break away from her religious beliefs, she found her inner goddess. ( her sex drive ) it was insatiable. I then found BDSM, which taught me everything I needed to know. I tamed her goddess by using my own. We both learned that desire is a wild animal, that doesn't need to be fed, it needs to be set free. You can do this in a controlled environment, with rules, but a foundation of trust must first be established. That was hard for me, only until I realized I was just to blame as much as she was, as you just admitted.

    • Thanks for your honesty, and I can see now why you challenged my perspective as you did.
      Yeah, it was screwing around in dangerous territory considering we were both new to it and didn't have a strong enough foundation in our relationship.
      We're both hoping now though that we can rebuild that foundation, and then build a relationship on top of it.
      Problem though... she doesn't think she needs help. She thinks she's totally normal, and only wrong for having not understood that she didn't have true consent, "i was confused" she says.
      Is there any way I can bring her around? I can't change someone else, only myself.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Maybe she wants to be a p*rn star, but it sounds like she is using the you didn't love me enough line so she doesn't feel guilty. She sounds like she is ashamed however because she is not admitting to being the cause of your heart breaking, my mother would act like that at times when she was wrong. Don't be ashamed of not standing up for yourself though I was the Same when my parents offered me drugs. I went along with it because I was afraid of losing them. But I ended up telling my mother to stay out of my life in the end, and the last I heard of her is that she is going to rehab soon. Everything about you sounds wonderful though just be more direct about what you want next time.

    • Thank you for this... it's the most understanding of any of the answers here. I know I need to stand up for myself and respect myself, but people (not you though) seem to miss that when I do so, she can't handle it, because she can't handle that she's made some big mistakes. And at the end of the day, I pay because of all the shit and excuses she throws at me.
      What I want... said directly... is her to be the hell out of my life so I can be by myself for a time to work this all.. But yeah... saying that isn't going to help our relationship, is it?
      Thanks for your help :)

    • Welcome :)

What Guys Said 5

  • you did nothing wrong she was the one that was walking out on you. just get out of this one and take some time to be single so you can heal frirt go find a group that does thing together for awhile till you feal better you ned to be around friends and not alone ok I m just finishing the end of brake up after five years.

  • Alright man get yourself on YouTube and listen to Patrice O'neal. Anything he's got on relationships on the opie and anthony show is fucking gold.

  • You should be afraid she will do it again.

    What's changed in terms of your relationship?

    • She's cut all communication with those people. I've set the boundaries that I won't accept her talking to those people again, and will not accept any kind of infidelity again, and that I expect her to talk with me if she is feeling like something is missing from our relationship.
      I said I was going 2 months ago, and she's tried desperately for those 2 months to get me to stay. I've now said that it's worth giving it more work. We've also opened up lines of communication that we didn't have before... e. g. now we can actually talk about the infidelity. She can hear and empathize with my feelings, and I can feel and understand why and how she came to be in that place. Hence some worry that it could happen again, and me saying I need her to communicate with me, and I with her.
      Your thoughts?

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    • Do you just not feel that way to her?

      Or does her lack of submission to you make you not feel it?

    • I just don't feel that way about her. I didn't care if she was submissive or not prior to her initiating exploring BDSM. I just never felt that way about her. I care about her a tonne, but I care about a lot of people. I have had the experience with other girls where I'd protect them from anyone no matter what anyone said, and felt truly lucky to have had them. My wife has told me on occasion that she feels as though "I'm just the girl that happened to get pregnant".

  • You can't change who you love if they won't change move move move she cheated you delete her from your life change numbers always work go into new realitionship and leave the past alone BUT learn from your mistakes in general women dont respect or fall in real love with weak men strong high pride more prefer to them so learn from the past and start again and the old pepole have a qoute the iron melt the bitch dont melt its diffecult to change that kind of women

  • Did your wife have the higher sex drive? (This can lead to all kinds of problems, though it's not your "fault".)

    Also, have you guys had kids recently? This is relevant too in how women act and try to reclaim their sexuality...

    How long have you been married?

    Check this, might be relevant:

    • I think our drives were even, but it felt like she always controlled it. I remember countless times I initiated it, and she wasn't interested. It felt as though it was all on her terms. We currently have 3 kids, aged 8, 6 and 3. The cheating started 2 years ago, and the triad experience happened 1 year ago.

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