Confused feelings about my ex?

I just want to preface this saying, I am in a happy committed relationship with my current girlfriend. I love her and she is the best woman I've ever had in my life. I don't regret anything about our relationship.

But yesterday I came across my ex girlfriends new boyfriend (I didn't know who he was at the time). We share a mutual friend on Facebook and my friend commented on his status that randomly showed up in my newsfeed. His profile picture was of him and my ex.. so at this point I was too curious not to look. I checked out his profile and saw that they started dating exactly 1 month after my current gf and I got together (we've been together just under a year). That time line isn't really relevant to the question.

Anyways, I checked him out a bit and the obvious comparing myself to him came up. Even tho I don't in any way want her back, I had these emotions and I was confused. I see her with the new guy through pictures (I made it so I can't see posts from his page anymore) and see that she's happy and I can't help but feel a little upset that she's doing well. In my head I think that I want her to be happy, but when I see that she is I kind of hate it. During our breakup she was a really shitty person and part of me thinks she should suffer for those things. Her mother was a bit of a racist and told her that she was settling for me back when we were together, which just pissed me off. I was a college student and working part time for 3 years. Quit my job to focus on my degree and her mother used my 3 months of being unemployed as a reason that she was settling. I'm still a little bitter over that.

Updates:
Anyways, the breakup in the end was mutual. She said that maybe we should take a break for awhile and I jumped on board and said, let's just skip that part and breakup because I'm not happy and I don't think a break will change that. The next day she sent me a letter saying that she didn't think we should get back together. I guess she wanted to have the last word and maintain some kind of pride, since I pretty much dumped her the night before. We broke up with eachother
I'm just trying to let go of whatever attachment I have to her in my brain/heart right now. We broke up a little over 3 years ago. I don't know if I'm still harboring some anger anger her, if I'm jealous or that I'm missing her. We don't talk and I don't want to talk to her or have her in my life. I guess I'm just displeased that she's happy again?
I don't get this way about other exes, she's the only one. I broke up with the others on good terms tho

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  • I don't think that what you're feeling is regret of breaking up. I agree that it's natural, especially if she was a shitty person with you (sounds like she was). It's not like you wish that person harm, but when you see someone who didn't treat you good doing well a little peice of you kinda wishes karma got to them good.

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    • This response has been the first to actually speak to my heart. I think this is probably the reason. She acted so selfishly, during and after and I literally dud nothing that called for it. Our mutual friends agreed outside of her family

    • And this

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What Girls Said 16

  • Everything in your life seemed to be peaches and cream Until-------Yesterday I came across my ex girlfriends boyfriend... and with this, the ghost of the past began rattling your chains again, just when you thought she was safely tucked away, from harm's way, away from your heart and soul, rjroy3.
    It suddenly came back to bite you, to haunt you, that she had found happiness, seemed 'Happy' with this guy and it ticked you off because you felt is wasn't fair to You that when you both were together, she was this crappy person who treated you like poop, along with her Mommy Dearest who was there to scoop you up with her and just throw you away in the trash. And of course, this brought back some bad memories, left yet Another soul ball of hell and smell in your mouth... it's understandable that right now, it's not a bowl full of cherries.
    Yes, definitely 'Still harboring some anger' is mostly what you are doing. You have had many chances to try and see if you could get her back so this is telling me that being you just left this pup back at the dog house and found a new life, thanks to Facebook, where you saw some old memories being drummed up, this has Attached itself to your brain again and now you can't get her or her current cutie out of your head.
    I think too whatever Jealousy you may be feeling is because someone is doing your job now and this is just getting your goat that she could never see it then.
    Perhaps if you block her from your Facebook would be a good beginning to your own beguine so you don't have to have a haunting reminder when you would even try And-------Check him and her out a bit...
    In time, things will go back to normal again. This is just a test of time that was thrown to you out of the blue... I believe you passed this with flying colors, sweetie.
    Good luck. xx

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    • Well thank you : ).
      I haven't even checked her Facebook in well over a year maybe 2 by now. Just happened upon his out of mutual friends. I hid all posts from his account so that shouldn't happen again. So it's pretty much the same effect. Hopefully that's how it stays

    • Show All
    • Thanks you for your words

    • You are so welcome... I know when you have moved on if something happens to bring back the old, it sticks with you for awhile.. other than that, I do not think you really care about someone who treated you badly.:)) xx

  • Seems like you still care a little and this is okay its normal I think I'm still bitter at times well I was over my ex I'd look at his Facebook for the longest hoping that he's doing bad because he hurt me.. But sometimes you will go back and look my best friend is married said she'd go look at her ex pg and she's happy hell sometimes its a case of nosiness too LOL I think the whole comparing ourselves to their current lovers is normal hell I do it often and I know its no comparison at all. but you just wonder sometimes why you maybe didn't wok out ETC. Like if you were treated bad think of all that bad treatment and just let it go. But all the things you feel are so normal I tell you case I have felt the same exact way. Some relationships just aren't meant to be you are happy in your relationship now just go on with that on a positive note just be like it is what it is, she's supposedly happy and moved on don't think about her. I be like that here and there and it's been yeas. I wonder if I'm thought about with people I've dealt with and really liked and it ended on bad terms I try not to talk ever again erase them out your memory and Carry On. This is normal though

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  • I can tell you, I have had the same feelings with my ex as well. I am engaged now, its been over a year since I had been with my ex. But I just stopped loving him, yet every now and then I find myself checking up on him, (making sure he is okay) and comparing his new girlfriends with me. I never want to see him again... but yet I still think about him time and again. I feel guilty and confused to but I think that certain people just stick with you weather you want them to or not.

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    • Hopefully that's not the case for me. I haven't looked at her Facebook even out of curiosity for well over a year, maybe 2. I only happened upon her guy because he's friends with a mural friend of mine and it came up in my news feed

  • In my opinion, you are honestly feeling the exact opposite of your opening statement and
    are STILL NOT over your ex.

    Your current gf is a rebound only and deep down you know this.

    Note: No personal offence intended here. I just call it as I see it.

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    • Definitely not a rebound. I had my rebound lol. Several if that matters.

  • Seems like a problem faced by guys.

    One of the guys I was involved with did tell me that although he doesn't sit around and miss his exs, he'd still get jealous if he sees them with someone new (and not just towards one particular ex - BOTH his exs). Don't quite get it though, because I know for a fact he's the one who didn't want the relationship anymore (one due to religious reasons, the other simply because he didn't wanna marry her).

    While for me, I do make peace with my past. I may hate on my ex when the break up is fresh, but eventually I'd just be very neutral (some relationships take longer than the other, but it's always sooner or later). I've even been friends with my ex's new girlfriend.

    I think what I can offer is, holding on and hating on your ex is like holding a burning stone in your hand - you're the only person who gets hurt. I don't know your ex personally, but pretty sure she doesn't want you to feel bad that both of you are over, especially now that both of you have your own new lives. Let bygone be bygone.

    Just my 5 cents thought.

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    • I would agree with you, but I'm the same in that I deal with things and let go. All my other ex girlfriends have new guys and I never experienced this. Ended things on good terms and never had shit to talk about them, even tho sometimes they did towards me. I didn't want to sully the old relationship. But this ex, in my head I want her to be happy. But when I saw it, I just couldn't be glad for her unlike my other exes.

    • I hope the feeling goes away with time :) I don't think she wants you to feel this in any event :/

  • If you were really involved with this girl before, it's normal to have feelings stirred a little bit, but it shouldn't make you feel any differently about your current relationship.
    If you want her to feel your pain then obviously you're not over her and you need to reevaluate because you should put your 100 into your current relationship.

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    • It never affected my feelings for my girl.
      Like I said, in my head I want my ex to be happy. But seeing it didn't make me feel great or even happy for her. I have other ex girlfriends that have someone and I'm wholeheartedly glad they are happy in life. Just not her, which someone pointed out is probably just left over anger

    • You you have slight resentment cos she hurt you. She still has a pull on you but you know she's not healthy so you moved on. You'll get over it. That's how my 2nd to last ex was too n we had no contact for 3 months. When he broke up with his gf for cheating i'm the one he called (smirks) In the end he still had 0 feelings for me, just lust. You'll be fine.

  • Ugh. Man... this is a tough situation. I empathize for you. Which is rare... because I dont have the highest opinion about men.

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  • I think that If u feel so deeply for her then you should go after her. If out of all the people you have been with only one stands out then its for a reason that you can't let her go. People throw around the word love and to be honest, what your feeling is real love.

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  • Sadly my friend-you're not over her. Look, social media is a bitch. But if you really were over her, looking at her picture with the new guy would not have caused you to
    think this way. I'm sorry. You need closure.

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    • I partly feel that way. I just don't want to message her to "let it out". I don't want her back I know that. But i hate it when people do that because they need to speak their peace

  • I agree you still have some feelings there but it's ok maybe she feel the same you never know. Just be honesty with yourself and her before it's to late, the way I look at it is if your not married your single follow your heart.

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  • I may be completely off but honestly it really sounds as though you still have some feelings about the relationship. Not HER but the relationship you shared. You can date a shitty person but still have good times together, which turn into memories which build a relationship. When that connection is broken- it's a loss no matter if it is good or bad and why it ended. For whatever reason you've never had closure regarding what happened between you both. My best advice is to do what you are already doing- let yourself process how you feel about what happened, accept whatever feelings come and let them go. It sounds like you were very busy around the time you broke up and perhaps you just weren't able to fully process what happened. The brain wants and needs to do that with ANY situation, regardless of how serious it was.
    Hope I wasn't too off base!

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  • If she was your first gf, maybe even the person you lost your virginity to, it's completely natural that you still feel something towards her and honestly I don't think you'll ever get rid of that. She was a big part of your life for a while and it is natural that it affected you, maybe more than you'd like to admit and given that she didn't handle the breakup rather well and was 'shitty' as you say, being bitter and feeling angry towards her is probably the reason that you don't feel finished with her. I mean, if you had ended well on good terms then it might have been easier to accept that she has moved on and is happy without you? That's what I imagine, at least.

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  • I think there were somethings unsaid in the relationship, that is leaving lingering feelings.

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  • I think it bothers you more that she is a bad person and has a good thing going. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't confuse it as still having feelings for her. You don't have feelings for her, you just didn't get the closure you probably needed. Just focus on what you have going on. A great girl who loves you, and you love her. If she is a bad person, her new beau will leave sooner or later and she'll be on to the next guy.

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  • I'm a female almost in your same situation, honestly in my relationship there was no trust towards him, he did me wrong at the beginning so I kept that inside, that grudge never left and we continued and share so many memories together some great ones and bad one, its barely been 3 months since we broke up and he's already messing with this girl that he used to claim it was his best friend, she has a kid and well I have his fb account so I can look what he does and all that and I've been holding myself back from going through his page because everytime I do that I end up so much hurt, last time we spoke was about a week ago and we both spoke our mind, not in good terms, he had his stuff and so did I, and I honestly had a little hope we were going to get back buy when I seen pictures of them I felt so hurt because I love him and hate the fact that his happy but if he is why does he still wonders on my stuff. He blames me and I blame him always our pride was in the middle but id always try to work it out till we just got tired. I don't know if I've explained myself but I guess it doesn't matter how much time has passed if feelings were really there we are always going to look back and just remember what we had and just hate on what is happening or simply just let it go

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  • Don't confusion brag you, it will just destroy your relationship now, Just be happy with your relationship now and get over with your ex. It's natural to feel that way

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What Guys Said 4

  • I disagree with the answerers so far. Don't go after her. What you're feeling is natural.

    Basically, after a breakup, you want to believe that you were the best they've ever had. Now that you're seeing her with pics of the new dude, you're questioning whether you truly were the best she ever had.

    Think about your own situation. You said your current gf is the best you've ever had in your life... better than her. It's the same deal on her side. Odds are if she's happy with him, he's better for her than you were. It's just the way life works.

    Advice... forget them and focus on your own relationship and life. What they do or how happy they are in no way affects your life.

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    • *nods*
      Yea, that's what I've been doing. Just having a moment I guess. My girl is awesome, that should be enough

    • This

  • Jealousy brother. We could hate our ex, but we will never like the idea that they are with someone else. it brings up too many questions about if we are okay. Is she with him because he is funny?, stronger?, more intimate?, better at sex?, ect? Best course of action is to discuss this with your current significant other, she has most likely experienced the same thing. Work together to become better for each other.

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  • well dude... answer me this... how bad is it gonna hurt if your current girl finds out about any of this! She is going to be crushed. What if the tables were turned? You would be crushed. Nobody wants to think they are second best.

    I hope that helps you with what to do. But, you already know what to do. Do the right thing.

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  • You are saying i am happy with my current gf. if so why do you feel upset seeing her happy with her bf? what is yur wish being always happy with beautiful girls and seeing her alone and unhappy throughout her life?

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    • That's what my question was..
      Because,
      A I am happy with my girl and relationship.
      B, I know I don't want my ex back.

      It was pointed out to me I'm likely just not happy for her because she was so shitty at the end and I feel like there should be some karmic justice towards her. This sounds most to what I'm feeling. Because I don't have problems with any of my ex gf's or seeing them with new guys. I'm legitimately happy for them. And in my head that's how I wanted it for this ex, but when I saw it I just could not be happy for her. Just some left over anger I guess

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