Who would stay and work things out after infidelity in marriage?

Twice... one time as a "revenge affair" because she convinced herself I was banging a female friend who I'd confided in (I wasn't).

There's 3 kids already involved, and a 4th on the way.
Love between these 2 people has obviously been severely tested, but then can't love grow in even the darkest holes?
And both people have recognized and admitted responsibility for not having recognized and/or met each other's needs.

Who'd stay and work it out (and where would you start?)
Who'd go and place respect for themselves first?
  • Stay and work it out (because kids)
    Vote A
  • Stay and work it out (for love)
    Vote B
  • Get the fuck out and sort out the problems you contributed.
    Vote C
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Hey guys, thanks for all your opinions. I don't mean to discount anyone's views by questioning them with my own... at the end of the day, this is a decision I'm trying to make a firm decision about, as I'm currently confused as hell and not being fair to myself by committing either way, and being unfair to her by not committing 100% either way. Your opinions are helping me work out the pro's and con's, the benefits and disadvantages. Thanks :)


Most Helpful Girl

  • Here's the thing, it's easy for someone to look at a situation and say " I would never
    do that", but realistically speaking. Until one is in that situation, they really have no
    idea what they would do. So, I could say that if I was married and my husband cheated
    on me that would be it. However, I don't really know what I do. Especially, if I felt we were
    soul mates and I truly loved him. So, I'll do it in a hypothetical tense of what I think I
    might do. If he cheated on me once and it was accident and he was truly sorry and
    willing to go to therapy with me, sleep in another room and understand I might not
    want to be intimate for awhile (since he slept with another woman). Then I'd be willing
    to try and work things out, as long as he realizes it's a process and everything won't be back
    to normal in the snap of a finger. Infidelity, is a BIG deal and I wouldn't take it lightly.

    If he cheated on me a second time, after I trusted him again and already took him back
    once. There would not be another chance. Because, that would prove that he doesn't
    love me the way I love him and that he didn't really care about me, our marriage, our love
    and especially our children. So, it would just be over. How's that saying go? "fool me
    once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". So, there wouldn't be a second chance.

    As for your situation, I think it's very admirable of you to want to stay and work things out
    for the kids sake. However, she cheated on you twice and the second time was for
    revenge because she thought you cheated, when you didn't. I think you need to get
    a divorce, because she did it twice and you keep taking her back. Which, gives her
    the chance to cheat again because she knows you'll just keep taking her back. So, though
    it's great your putting your kids first. You also want to teach them that's it's not okay let
    people to walk all over you and take advange of you (which she's basically doing).

    • You want to show them what love really is all about and love doesn't involve cheating.
      Plus, kids can sense things. So, they can probably sense things are weird between you
      two (even if you don't show any of that in front of them). I think that best thing to do for your
      kids, is end the marriage. Because, you can't spend your whole pretending your happy,
      when your not. Kids bounce back quickly, so a divorce will be hard for them at first.
      But, when there older, they'll understand why you did it and that you did the right thing.
      Good luck, hope everything works out for you and your children : )

    • Show All
    • You're right that all of that needs to be considered :) thanks!
      Some positive points... she's promised it'll never happen again, and she knows there's no more chances if she does. The kids currently seem pretty happy and they probably know something's up, but i think chaos doesn't apply to our situation at the moment :) oldest is 8, youngest is 3.
      And we did live apart for 2 months, and I decided to give it more effort, at the suggestion of our counselor, so now we're living together again, and it's hard, but we're both trying :) We need to both check in regularly and make sure we're completely honest with each other about if we're happy here or not.

    • You're welcome and that's good. If things seem to be working, then just keep doing what you're doing. I hope everything works out for you and your family. Good luck to all of you : )

Most Helpful Guy

  • Once you bring kids into the mix you need to make every effort to stay together. This is true whether your ego needs are met or not. These four kids did nothing to deserve the chaos of growing up with a split home. Their world should not be destroyed because two adults were selfish.

    • Agreed... this is why I'm still there working it out :)
      Not the best reason for the RELATIONSHIP, or the INDIVIDUALS within it, but we're both mature, so it's better for the kids who DIDN'T ask for any of it.

    • May your sacrificial efforts in behalf of your kids be rewarded by a rebirth of forgiveness and trust in your mate.

    • Thanks man :) I'm getting there... I've forgiven it and laid down the ground rules, and you build trust again by giving someone opportunities to act trustworthy.
      The HARD part is letting LOVE grow again, where it's been broken down so badly. That's my current struggle :)

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 4

  • I won't handle a second with that person, I'd leave, any infidelity in Relationship and I'd gone, for me there is no second chances for this in my books, even thought there is kids involved but I better cut it early then regret late. if it was 1 time maybe but 2 and 3 times come on it's mean there is no respect and between is he sure the 4th kid is his?

  • I'd leave. Any infidelity in a relationship and I'd be gone. There are no second chances for this in my book, kids or not.

    • Fair enough!
      In your book, would it make any difference if you knew you'd done things which contributed to the cheater being in a vulnerable position? (I'm not agreeing with what she did, she should have made better choices, but I UNDERSTAND how she got there). Thanks :)

    • no, not really. It wouldn't change things for me.

      But if you want to give it another chance, I'd support it. Everyone is different, what works for me doesn't work for everyone :)

    • That's what I'm trying to figure out :) I think I could be making the mistake of taking too much responsibility for her actions, and not holding her accountable enough.
      Thanks for your personal view, it does help!

  • I dont fucking care if i have kids with the guy or not. Once a cheater always a cheater and i will neither let him humiliate me nor let my kids call him dad and take him as role model. I am not gonna stay and be unhappy in this situation and raise my kids in a dysfunctional family life. They will be affected badly by the divorce maybe but i am sure they will be affected more growing up with an infidel father and a humiliated mother who always possibly fight and dont show any love sogn for each other. No love no nurturing environment for kids... I will for sure NOT stay with the person.

    • Appreciate that :) so do you have kids yourself?
      The kids would never know what she's done, and she is still a good mother, credit where it's due. And we're mature enough to keep fights away from the kid's eyes. A bit complicating too given she's the one who cheated in this situation, AND she's pregnant with another of my children (I'm certain it's mine) ;-)

    • Dont be so sure if all the kids are yours. Only she really knows who the father is. 'Mature enough to keep the fights away from kids' this is the thing only parents can say. But i assure even if you think you have the fights away from kids they already know that you are fighting... I dont care about someone who is not able to tame his/her hormones.. Let me tell her that dogs are also getting pregnant and making babies generally not one but many at the same time... As i said i wouldn't bother living with a person just because i have kids. I have kids maybe but i have my own life and i am an individual. How am i supposed to like my kids if their presence brings me unhappiness cuz i feel like i have to stay with the man or woman because of them. I dont have kids but i know from my parents as a kid. I wish they lived their lives instead of 'secretly' fighting and staying together for me... Not necessary to lose your personality for your kids.

    • Ah, thanks for that, that gives AWESOME context.
      I like your opinions here. I think I ask these questions because I'm the kind of person that thinks that we CAN choose whether we feel happy or unhappy about a situation, and that choosing to stay in a relationship and also choosing unhappiness is not very smart, but a tonne of people do it in the name of "staying together for the kids". That's not an option for me :) if I stay, it has to be happy for us both (or she'll fucking cheat again won't she? xD) Thanks heaps!

  • I didn't vote I honestly believe I would stay especially bc I have kids bt also bc I took a vow. personally I wouldn't cheat on my hubby. bt there are more than me and my hubby at stake. I would try to rekindle our flame it would take a long time for me to trust again. But if both can move on and forgive each other I say why not. I used to be totally against staying in a marriage with a cheater not that I would ever condone it bt as I've grown I've realized there is so much that comes with marriage. Bt It would slightly be a different opinion if no kids were involved.

    • Thanks for that :) I agree. There's more context to this in my replies to others here.
      The way I see it, the FAMILY is worth staying and working for, but the RELATIONSHIP is not. Which leaves a pretty tricky situation! :-)

    • Yes I agree I think the realtionship might be done unless they can forgive and find out what went wrong.

What Guys Said 2

  • I didn't go through all the struggles, pains, heartaches, family pitfalls in my own life only to get shitted on by some lady who I thought was my wife. I was gone like last week, bro!

    • Appreciate the emotionally driven response!
      The "some lady who I thought was my wife" acted in ways I totally disagree with, the most disrespectful thing she could do to her husband, but the other side of the coin is, that "some lady" is also the mother of my kids, and a good one at that :)

    • Show All
    • @Asker - For you it may not be black and white, but that's how I see it.

    • Exactly. Thanks man :) again, I really appreciate your opinion.

  • I know couples who've worked things out successfully and are still together 20 years or 40 years later.

    • Thank you! :)
      I know it's POSSIBLE, albeit, hard work for both of us, and us both needing to do a lot of work for each other.
      Do you have any advice for her and I?

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