Should I be worried, my girlfriend of 1 month tried to dump me yesterday because she is in a "bad place", were still together but I have my guard up?

Tbh it's ridiculous that i'm even writing this question out tbh, i have literally only been with this girl for a month. Anyway quick backstory, she has just come out of an abusive relationship, like literally she dumped the guy because he was controlling and used to hit her. She's liked me for like 6 months, but nothing ever happened because she had a bf and i had a gf so we didn't really speak it was only when she broke up with this guy that we began speaking. We moved pretty fast i mean she said she loves me after a week of offically going out, she tells everyone about me introduced me to her mum posts me all over everything she has Facebook etc, so i can tell her feelings are genuine.

The situation yesterday occured because the night before, a girl apparently gave her a dirty look, i do not even pick up on these things me and her friend both had no idea what was happening or what the girl did, the girl gave me a hug goodbye, which i think angered my girlfriend.

Next day she says she has doubts about me as i'm too nice, as i didn't step in and put the girl in her place for offending my her eventhough i didn't know what the girl did to offend her in the first place. She said she had doubts that she doesn't want to be the man in the relationship and i'm too nice to people.

That got me seriously angry i mean i told her she should know if the girl said anything bad to her i would have stepped in i even told her afterwards what did she say do you want me to go talk to her and she said i should leave it.

She then says, she has jealously and anger issues that's she's putting on me, hasn't let all the anger from her ex relationship out yet, and maybe she isn't ready for a relationship as she is suffering from depression and is scared of hurting me. Said no guy has ever been as good to her as me and she's scared of messing up our relationship, we spoke we kissed and made up still together, but the fact she contemplated dumping me bothers me, am i wrong?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • She was in an abusive relationship before you. Because of this she has come to you in pieces and she is hurt and angry. She most likely has trust issues and maybe some commitment fears. All in all, she has some baggage.
    You’ve been with her for a month. It is not only a month, a lot can happen in just one month. She seems to believe that she loves you. Do you love her? It’s not crazy if so.
    It is possible though that she is with you to clean up her mess. She sees you as a way to fill this void in her heart that she has from her previous relationship. She may not be aware of this though, so be offended and think that she is ‘using’ you. If this is true, then it is most likely something in her subconscious. Our minds will make us believe/do anything to help try and heal our hearts or fill a space or longing that we have.
    She’s confused. She is angry at her ex, she is hurt by his actions and words. Her ex made her feel worthless and she isn’t confident anymore. She’s broken. She feels like you’re too good for her and doesn’t believe she deserves you because of how good to her you are. She most likely also believes you deserve better than her. She thinks that because of this, she should dump you to free you.
    She also feels like she needs to deal with all of her baggage before continuing on in the dating the life. This is perfectly understandable. But it doesn't mean she has to deal with it without you. I think you need to get her a therapist or a councilor. I know you guys may not want this, but trust me, it is for the best and WILL help. It will strengthen her spirit and help her become happier and realize her self worth and will make her confront her past and teach her how to deal with it. She’ll need you by her side as she is going through this as well, and this process will strengthen your guys’ relationship. You can even attend therapy sessions with her so she feels more comfortable and safe.

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    • You aren’t wrong to be bothered by her attempt to break up with you. This has you on edge now because you wonder if she’ll try again. This is okay and happens with others as well. But you guys do need to trust each other. You guys need to communicate on all of this and like I said before, get her some help before matters get worse.

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    • Okay well this can be a very confusing matter. Alright. Like I said, I understand why you have a wall up. Your last relationship really hurt you because the girl kept breaking it off. So your past hurts are now affecting you in your current relationship. I understand why your wall is up. But it shouldn’t be up. Because for there to be a wall up indicates that you don’t completely trust this girl, which obviously you do not. In order for a relationship to work, there has to be that trust. If this girl REALLY loves you, she’ll listen to you and will not break up with you. With your wall up, you cannot fully give her your heart and you cannot fully commit yourself to her. With your wall down, yes you’re taking a risk and a chance, but like I said, she seems to REALLY love you. And because of that, as long as you communicate to her about your fears of her leaving you and about why you fear her leaving you, then she should understand and will not leave you or hurt you intentionally. So yes,

    • communicating definitely makes you vulnerable, but relationships need communication, trust, and yes, vulnerability to work. While those three things may seem scary, the end result will most likely not be. These three things bring you two closer and you two become more intimate and tied together. So you should let the wall down, just take a leap of faith, and communicate with her.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Maybe it's the remnants of the abusive relationship, but she has some interesting mood changes there. It sounds vaguely bipolar or BPD the way she is angry at you for being nice, and then tells you how nobody's ever been so nice to her before, and then wants away from you because she is scared of hurting you, but she loves you and doesn't want to mess it up, but you didn't stand up for her!

    I don't see this lasting, the pendulum will swing too far one day and she'll end it and it'll be your fault, and she'll probably be back not long after acting like nothing happened and everything's fine again.

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    • I don't want to generalise by why are girls so complicated, well the one's i have found i'm sure there are some straightfoward simple girls out there. But it's like my last ex was one of the most borderline bipolar confusing women i've ever met, i meet this one everything is going amazingly well then she throws this curveball at me.

      Do you think that she is not over her ex, i mean i don't think she has any feelings for him anymore but i guess it does take time to let go of the anger and hurt because it took me a while after i broke up with my ex. A couple months before i was completely fine and over it, With her she broke up with him and a couple days later, she was inviting me out with her we were spending every night together having sex etc bare in mind we had been friends for a solid month before this though just friends and nothing else. But maybe she needed time, you can't jump from a relationship into another, i guess that's a recipe for disaster

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    • Yeah that's the thing thing's happened really quickly, i did think possible rebound but she reassured me that her last ex was abusvie and she had liked me from like 6 months prior when we first intially met she told everyone she liked me but i had a gf at the time so nothing happened, i only found all this out when we started speaking and then eventually got together. I thought as she liked me and chased me i mean it wasn't really me pursuing her it was her inviting me out trying to talk to me all the time, so i thought she must genuinely like me as she put in a lot of effort to get me. I just thought her last ex was abusive and i'm a nice loyal guy so she just met a nice guy finally so that's why she moved so fast.

      What should i do now in your opinion though? Should i continue in the relationship with my guard up like i am now, should i end it, should i talk to her more about it, were kinda over this situation now but as you can see it's still on my mind as i'm posting this.

    • It's hard to call. I'd be worried that she is vulnerable and being dumped will feel like total abandonment by someone she clearly thinks is a good person. I'd proceed with caution for now.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I can't really say for your girlfriend but i had this roommate in college she was engaged to the man who was both physically and emotional abused her (umoung other things) and when she finally left the man she was engaged to she started dating this other guy and even started sleeping with him a month into the relationship. but here's the thing i was friends with both her and her new BF even before they were together in fact i guess i kinda had a helping hand in getting together to tether because i invited him over to the dorm to play games one night and things went from there. but i had to had up spending a lot of time with this guy because we had all the same classes and when e wasn't in class he was at our dorm because he hated his dorm, basically he only went back to his dorm to sleep. the guy was like a bother to me and this caused arguments between them because she would always get jealous and it got to the point where every time they had an argument about even the slightest thing she'd start questioning whether or not their relationship was meant to be and she was always worry about getting hurt because he was the best boyfriend she ever had. but the guy always ended up talking to me whenever they had a fight because it was emotionally draining for him to be with a woman who got jealous about every woman he was friends with. they still get into fights quite often but they are still together... i'm not entirely if this huge passage help but i felt sharing the story of my friend who was in a similar situation as you must be of some help if not then just ignore it i'm sorry i wasted your time.

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    • Haha don't be silly your answer was very helpful you didn't waste my time, tbh i have learnt that everything happens for a reason. We are happy now but if another situation arises and she says she isn't ready then i will be like ok cool and move on, remain friends because she is a lovely person but i will be just accept it and move on because i have to have a little self worth i mean if i'm not good enough for her i will be good enough for the next person. Not exactly going to sit there and wait for someone who is unsure about me or whatever.

      My current gf is quite a jealous person aswell she tells me she knows it's irrational which is why she would never say stop speaking to this girl etc but she said she feels the jealously coming upon her, uno which is probably a red flag because jealously can be emotionally draining

  • You have a girl with emotional baggage. You either choose to work through it with her with the knowing that it may be "meant to be" but it also may be... or you just end it and wish her the best.

    I see saying "I love you" so soon as a red flag. (Just my opinion)

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    • You either choose to work through it with her with the knowing that it may be "meant to be" but it also may not be... *****

    • Do you think that saying i love you is a red flag, i mean i think we both felt quite strongly about eachother quite quickly we had been talking for about 5 weeks when that happened so it wasn't exactly that fast.

      Tbh when we spoke it seemed like she thought i wanted to break up with her, when she said she had doubts i got angry, i told her i had a previous ex who used to doubt me all the time, am i going to make enough money in the future am i going to drive a nice car, i told her i can live a perfectly happy life without a girl telling me she has doubts and that i'm only being honest about how i feel because i love her and want us to work. I also said we have different outlooks on life i mean i'm not a fiesty agressive person, it takes a lot for someone to make me lose my cool she is the oppositie. She then thought that meant maybe were different and shouldn't be together, so after i said that she said maybe she isn't ready to be in a relationship, so maybe i caused that

  • Don't make her jealous

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What Guys Said 3

  • She was in an abusive relationship, and now says YOU are 'too nice.'' Big red flag! She likes guys who abuse her; maybe to her, that's 'being the man.' In any case, a comment like that is enough to get you to show her you ass and your elbows, once and for all, right?

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    • Get you to show her you as and your elbows? What does that mean?

      Tbh i have no idea, when she talks about her ex she says he was controlling wouldn't let her dress a certain way, talk a certain way, screamed at her in public, hit her basically he was completley controlling and she was the victim in that scenario. She says she loves me because i'm nice she's used to being with guys that have cheated not cared about her etc, i mean i bought her flowers one day and she told me a guy has never bought her flowers for no reason only if they cheated and were trying to apologise. She says i'm the only guy who has been good to her and she's scared of messing it up, so wanted to sort out her issues so that we could work in the future.

      Is that genuine or should i be worried i mean we spoke told her i loved her and am here to help her she said that's why she loves me because i truly care about her, we got over that hump but do you reckon she will say the same thing next situation?

  • I would walk away now before you get seriously hurt. She's fired a warning shot so you can't say you haven't been warned.

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    • I agree man i'm not ready to walk away but i 100% have a guard up now eveyrhting was so perfect and blissful before but now i'm going to be taking everything with a pinch of salt i love her and i care about her and want to work through eveything and any problem we have but i'm just reamining cool whatever happens, happens not gunna let it bother me.

      Why would you say it was a warning shot?

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    • No worries man.

      As long as you learn from these experiences that's all that matters.

    • Thanks a lot, appreciate it

  • Why keep a person who doesn't want to be there, there?

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