Would it bother you if the person you are dating were good friends with his/her Ex?

Tonight I’d like to chat with you about an important issue in relationships. I’d love to hear your opinions, questions, and comments, so please feel free to share. (No questions are silly questions!)

I will start tonight’s #GAGExpertChat with this hot question "Should you be friends with an Ex"?
For the Poll please tell me "Would it bother you if the person you are dating were good friends with his/her Ex?"
  • No, I would not mind at all.
    Vote A
  • I might mind--depends on how long it has been since they dated.
    Vote B
  • I might mind--depends on who broke up with who.
    Vote C
  • This would probably bother me a little.
    Vote D
  • This would definitely bother me a lot.
    Vote E
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
What's the point of being friends with an ex?
Last Call for questions and comments: Tell me what you REALLY think about people who are friends with their exes!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • That honestly is not a subject I would want to be an expert of.

    Anyways, I voted C). Conceptually, as long as they realize that "an ex is an ex for a reason", they can be friends as long as it is balanced and they don't try to reestablish their previous relation. I am not exactly known for my forgiveness, hence why if I choose to leave someone myself, I wouldn't bother retrying later. In concept, anyways.

    The point of being friends with them of course is that just because being heavily invested in each other's lives didn't work, that doesn't necessarily mean they are shitty people. So you may as well maintain a relation, just not a romantic one.

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    • Interesting take. If they weren't shitty people, then it might be okay. But what if it gets in the way of another relationship?

    • Well, it'd get in the way if you want to reestablish anything from the previous relation, and you have regrets that they're an ex and the like. In which case jealousy is reasonable, as it is a "threat" in that regard. But if they're friends with no sexuality or renewal in sight, then there's no reason for it to get in the way.

      Some people are just too cool to just stop talking to forever, that's all - even if dating them doesn't necessarily work out :p

Most Helpful Girl

  • None of your poll answers apply to how I feel.

    In and of itself, being friends, does not bother me.

    This is not changed based on who broke up with who, or by how long it's been, because ultimately, none of that matters at all.

    Not. One. Bit.

    What matters.. ALL that matters... is 2 things.

    First, is their dynamic.

    Are they just friends? or do they have that sexual energy, draw, edge, still.

    Second, do I trust him?

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 54

  • I'm lawyer, and my license is suspended. (short version: i didn't do anything wrong, and i'm happier this way, for now) Guys always ask me for advice when they are getting divorced. Since I can't represent them, my primary concern is to try and ensure the safety of everyone involved. I know these guys are hurting, so I give them an honest explanation of the law and appraisal of their situation. Then I show them how to document everything their attorney will need to start building a case as well as how to protect themselves and their identities, and I tell them to retain counsel as quickly as possible. Then the questions get really uncomfortable: "Are you 100% sure the kids are yours?" "Look me in the face and tell me if you've had thoughts about hurting yourself." etc. I've never been through what these guys are going through. I've lost a girl, and I thought the world was coming to an end, but I never felt the way these guys talk. It's like they don't believe they are human anymore. I think giving them the work to do building the case helps them, and I tell them they can call me if they need to talk, but after that I don't know what to say. Is losing the position of husband and father so fundamentally different from losing a girl? How do you relate to people who are at rock bottom when you've never been there? Is there something they need that I just don't understand? What should I say when they admit that they've suicidal thoughts, but insist that they're ok now?

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    • First off, sorry to hear about the license suspension--especially because it was unjust. Anyway, it sounds like you are putting your understanding of law to good use in a different way. I am happy to hear you have a positive attitude despite all this mess. What you are doing with these guys is very important work. Those are indeed hard questions to ask. You don't have to totally be able to relate to these guys to help them. Just listen and try to understand their point of view. If you listen closely enough and read between the lines of what they are saying and not saying, you will probably recognize that you or someone you are close to has experienced similar emotions--if even less intensity. It is all part of the human experience. (No I am not saying, thoughts of suicide are normal) Just that we all experience negative things and you may be able to find common ground if you dig a little deeper.

    • My suspension wasn't unjust. I didn't pay my license fees or take the CLE classes.

      You've given me a bit to think over. Thanks.

    • Very welcome. Feel free to get in touch if I can help you!

  • It wouldn't bother me too much. However, if I noticed my GF was speaking more about her ex than the time we spend together, I'd start to wonder.

    in my opinion, I wouldn't be friends with my ex. For me, staying friends with your ex shows you haven't completely moved on.

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    • Right. If you have really moved on you would have no need to stay in touch with someone from your past. Staying friends with an ex means you can't let go of something with the person--whether just friendship or romance too.

  • I wouldn't really mind as long as I felt my current partner was truthful/explained the situation, but that being said I've tried it twice now and it hasn't worked out.

    So I am not a good person to ask.

    Thanks for the Xper though. Gonna buy a John Lennon harmonica soon.

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  • People who are friends with their exes are holding on to a old
    relationship they can't let go, unless someone breaks the ties
    for good this will be a continued cycle that won't break in my case
    back in 1996 i broke off all ties, meaning not remaining friends with
    the exe

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    • It can definitely go on much longer than it should for many exes.

    • Yep i agree thanks for your question
      Welcome to GaG look forward to seeing
      you here more and just let you know your
      appreciated by all of us here. xD

  • Um, I would say this

    Depends, I might be bothered if she treated him better than she treated me. It would feel like she gave him her best and I'm the sucker that she doesn't really care about.

    But if she's doing her best in this relationship with me, being even better to me than her ex thanks to her experience (which she paid for with innocence that I'm not getting), then I'll be quite okay with her ex. It meant that their relationship made them better people, but they were not compatible for reasons like he dreams of art and is intrigued by music, law, religion, and order whilst she is into technology and medicine and experimenting like crazy or something.

    They are friends because they have trust in each other, but there isn't the passion for each other.

    And she's still fair to me, making up for whatever I feel I lost out to her ex. (I would do the same for her too, but if I don't have my attention split, then this isn't something I have to make up for. It's the other stuffs I have to and I would put in my best.)

    If she is trying her best to quell my jealousy, and I'm doing the same for her, there isn't anything to mind in the end. I'd be pretty touched they are still friends supporting each other in this way and cheering each other on in their respective new relationships.

    But that is when they are mature of course.

    Else my answer is, I mind because I care.

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  • If it was a mutual break up I'm more accepting of it or if they were good friends before they started dating. Knowing that someone who slept with my current gf is in the same room as me would bother me. I don't view sex as just for fun, it's a bonding experience and to know someone who has bonded with my gf and they still see each other makes the whole dating her experience less special, less intimate.

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    • I could see this bothering a lot of guys. I also think it is easier to be friends when there was a platonic friendship before. If all you have ever been is romantic, it is hard to be anything else.

  • You should definitely not be friends with your ex while you're in a relationship.
    There's nothing more awkward than your girlfriends ex hanging around or sitting in the backseat of the car pointing out places they had sex as you drive to the bbq area.

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  • I'd only remain friends with an ex if it was a peaceful breakup. I had one nasty breakup.

    She sent my number to her family and friends. They harassed me with threatening messages about how her dad beat up her last ex. Granted he had cheated, I just ended the relationship before we got too serious.

    She eventually told them to back off and asked me if we'd be able to stay friends, but I ignored her. I did not need that kind of toxicity in my life.

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    • Ditto that my brotha, same thing happened to me.

    • Amen to you saying no to an unhealthy, toxic relationship! It'd be hard to have a true friendship after a nasty breakup like that. A relationship is what happens between two people. Sometimes, friends and family really need to stay out of it.

  • My ex wife was physically and mentally abusive for the entire marriage.
    I've been seperated from her for 9 months and I can truly see now how messed up she is.
    I'm dating a normal girl now and she is the complete opposite of my ex, a breath of fresh air.

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    • So sorry to hear that you endured such an abusive relationship. Glad that you had the sense to get out and move forward with someone new. I am happy this girl you are now with is healthy. Other people may not be able to see the signs of an abusive relationship right away. Looking back, were there signs that your ex wife might have been abusive? Would you mind sharing them for other guys?

    • Show All
    • Those are definite signs of abusive behavior not to mention the type of woman who could become an obsessive stalker. Controlling and jealous behaviors are never a good thing.

    • @asker yeah she was literally the most insecure troubled soul I've ever known of, bad luck I was with her lol!
      But yeah I'm glad it's over now. I'm going to wait for another year and then persue with the divorce.

  • Id like to state its situational. First if you were married and have kids there may be many reasons to have communication with the ex. Kids being the number one reason. Financial reasons would be another.

    Now if no kids or anything like that. Id say no. here's why. You first of all start a new relationship while holding on to the old. If you are honest with yourself you will understand what im saying. You leave no room for the new guy to come in cause no matter what he will never have all of your attention. He will wether he sees it or not have to compete in some way with the time of your ex. Your ex is an ex for a reason. If you do not let it go ( which most humans have an issue doing " letting go") you will never fully allow a new thing to reach its full potential. I believe it is selfesh for one to make excuses as to whu an ex needs to be in there life. Only reason should be a divorce and kids. Other than that they were there when they needed to and now you need to move on. New chapter, new book. However you look at it. You need to let the new person have the best chance possible to be your best friend and lover. :)

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What Girls Said 36

  • I would not remain friends with an ex because an ex is just that, an EX. I am in a situation though where my ex is sharing custody of our daughter, and for her sake we are very cordial and amicable. I want him to meet someone new, though.

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    • That's right, girlfriend! An ex is an ex for a reason! In this case, it makes sense. And that is nice and mature of you.

  • It would definitly bother me, but part of the relationship would be trust. If I can't trust him, then I shouldn't be dating him. Of course it would probably depend on why they broke up. If it was a clean break then why should I worry if I trust him?

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  • For me, it's just a small thing. If my boyfriend and his ex are friends, there will be a reason. 1st, this is maybe because they still love each other secretly or maybe because they didn't love at all. Whatever the reason is, I don't care. I'll just forgive my bf. He is not the one who i'll marry so i will also not jealous about anything. If they start their love story again, i'll dump him. If they r real good friends, it's great.

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    • Good for you for having such clarity in your relationship. I guess since you are young, it doesn't matter as much. You aren't taking him as seriously as you would your future husband. A lot of older people would not be able to do this. You are wise beyond your years. It is interesting you say "because they didn't love at all". I find it is easier to be friends after when there is no real love or passion in the (past) relationship.

    • :) :) :) Nice to meet u, expert xD

  • I tried being friends with my ex and then I was like this just isn't going to work so I cut off all communication with him and we haven't spoke since. An ex is an ex for a reason.

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    • The same problems are there. Unfortunately, most exes don't change all that much. Your experience proves this. You are better off!

  • I would be friends if the break up is mutual with no regrets and no resentment and no feelings. Also depends if the person doesn't want to be friends; I will respect that and wish him the best.

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  • I think you can find other friends unless you have a kid together or something. To me, I don't see a reason in hanging on to an ex unless there's something still left there. The only ex's I'd consider taking to again are the ones I'd also likely fuck again...

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  • It would depend on weather or not I still had feelings for them, I'd feel uncomfortable still being friends if I still had feelings for them

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  • I Vote E because id feel insecure. ... Also since you're a relationship expert I have a question of my own. I was wondering if you could answer it?

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    • You aren't alone. A lot of women would feel insecure. Sure, message me your question and I will answer asap tomorrow! :)

  • I am in touch with a few of mine; the friendships are great.

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    • What makes them great? Do tell for those who hate on those who are friends with exes?

    • We all have things in common, and at one time we got along well enough to commit to each other. Try to keep that in mind. We parted amicably, and so there's no reason for us not to remain friends. I feel like you can never have too many friends. I pop in now and then to say hi to them and bring them their favorite treat--cheesecake, rice crispy treats, jerky... whatever they enjoy. We chat for a few minutes and part again on good terms. Sometimes my man and I will meet up with them and their s. o. at a sports bar to catch a game. There is nothing suspicious going on, so I have nothing to hide.

    • Good for you. Sounds totally kosher! Glad you can make it work.

  • Being the break up and divorce expert must be tough :( thats the one section of this site I avoid. So sad :(

    uhm... I've been friends with some exes. I'm really good friends with one ex, actually. To the degree where I dont even consider her an ex really? We just are good friends. We broke up because I wasn't really ready for an intimate relationship, but we've stayed close. But I have had other exes where remaining friends has just been really painful and caused a lot of problems, so... It depends :)

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    • Well its actually a positive experience, because I empower people to move forward. Sounds like its case by case.

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