Why is he being so cold after the break up?

We had dated for a year and had a truly amazing, loving, relationship. He's so sweet and respectful and caring and treated me so well. We were best friends and each other's first everything. We broke up a few days ago because his depression that he's been diagnosed with and in therapy for for about 8 months has gotten horrible. He had been pushing everyone away for a few weeks, including me, and he had a breakdown one night saying he couldn't do this and was so unhappy and stuff like that, so we went on a break. This was completely out of the blue. Just hours before we had been talking about how excited we were to see each other. A few days later we broke up. He said he couldn't feel his love for me and didn't know why. He was crying and shaking and said he isn't stable enough to continue the relationship and is unhappy with it even though he said he couldn't think of a single problem with us. My psychology professor said to not take it personally, it's the depression talking and not him, he's incapable of feeling those emotions right now. He said he would want to try to get back together once he gets better because im his best friend and wants me in his life. However, I texted him last night asking when I should come by today to get my stuff and talk and he didn't answer me but posted on Instagram and I found out he was high with his friends. I asked him months ago if he would smoke if we ever broke up and he said yes because it would hurt so much. Why is he ignoring me and being so cold, especially if he once felt his love so strongly and said he still sees me in his future and that there will never be anyone else? I'm so hurt and love him so much and don't want to move on. no one saw this coming, not even his friends. It was so out of no where and we were so in love before this depressive episode
  • He's just depressed and trying to cope- he does love you he just can't feel it right now
    Vote A
  • He's an asshole
    Vote B
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Most Helpful Guy

  • As someone with very bad depression myself I can attest that he sounds like a classic case. Also he is not manipulating you like the person below states, they have obviously never had depression and do not understand it. That is exactly how depression works you have no control over the on and off switches for happy and sad. We push people away to protect them or ourselves. We dont answer because of that and because we may not be able to focus on anything including noticing that we have messages. I loved my one ex but my depression drove her away. I hated the idea and was so annoyed at texting her at times i just wanted to be alone. But her voice always made me happy even if I was still sad I was happy to hear it.

    You have a big choice to make here if you love him enough to learn to deal with this. Chances are even if he gets better it will strike again down the road. If you stay you just have to learn to and this sounds terrible but ignore his moods and his emotions. Just pretend to be there for him and know that he loves you even if it doesn't seem like it. You have to learn whats him and whats the depression and not get mad at him for the depressions actions. Think of them like 2 separate people in one body. But also be there for him and comfort him. Drive him and motivate him. Try your best to not let him dwell but understand every now and then he will need a little alone time to dwell and recharge. Compliment him often. If you can do all that call him and tell him that. Tell him you are not going to walk away and leave him alone. That his depression is not the same as him and that its him you love. Tell him all the things you love about him and that you will not walk away and give up on him. That you beleave in him. Than tell him that daily. If not stop text him sorry tell him its ok that he is depressed and that you still care but you can not talk to him for his own health. Then walk away and never text again. Making it a "on and off" thing will only

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    • hurt him more and more in the long run. It will eventually lead you to being bitter and hating him and not trusting him. He will feel worse and worse as he becomes a monster in your eyes. So you must choose.

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What Guys Said 19

  • I do that while I'm still dating a girl sometimes. A lot of times it is because my mind is trying to think through far too many things about the situation to know what I am feeling. I'm guessing he is hurting so he is just trying to keep an emotional distance from you so that it doesn't hurt as much. If it is depression though it is probably just that alone. When I'm depressed I close myself in my room as soon as I'm home from work and don't really talk to anyone for weeks or months sometimes. Even when I was in relationships (I've had 3 of my relationships end because of it) I still would isolate myself from them. It's kind of involuntary... I mean you have control of what you do, but the feelings of depression are almost claustrophobic.

    He isn't an asshole I would wager, but I can't really say whether or not the breakup was because of the depression or because he just doesn't want to date you anymore. Usually you don't break up with someone unless there is some reason in his mind (even if that reason doesn't make logical sense... when you're depressed, logic doesn't always factor into it)

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  • I'd just give him some time if I were you. I know you want to help him, but by constantly being there for you him you're probably making his depression worse. He might decide to get back with you after it all settles, but it looks unlikely.

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  • Look teens in your age normally go through depression... I dont know why but they do... and depression has caused everything.. maybe he will get back to you once his depression goes away... he is just trying to cope up... but i think he should seek therapy... Cause depression goes away for some time only when someone takes drugs...

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  • He loves you so much that he doesn't want to see you hurt.

    Reminds me of a recent story of mine.. although i haven't been diagnosed with anything medical but her folks kept firing bullshit towards my side and she just went with their flow..

    And then blamed me for being cold :)

    But it's hell in the inside.

    Been together for a year too.

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  • The difference is knowing love or not, maybe he does feel, want, desire to know feel what love, and yours, is. But who is this psychology professor stating he knows what love is? thus what it is to feel it? I'd be more inclined to question the man who says he knows what love is than the man who doesn't.

    That goes for women too.

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  • Its very difficult to tell for sure...
    If I were you, I would hang in there for some time. Come back after now and then to him...
    If it won't change in an extended time of period, well, then he lost it...

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  • you should condole him with your love nd care nd be as much sweet as honey is, because its the tym when he truly needs you, it would maybe hard to control nd condole him in such a depression but love demands it so do it :)

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  • Trust me he loves you. He wants you gone and feels extremely sad for doing it because he loves you. Its just the nature of depression that's influencing him to make all these negative decisions. If you truly love him you should be there for him. He isn't an asshole, at least according to how you told the story. Good luck!

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  • I don't even necessarily think that he doesn't love you. I think the biggest possibilty is that he does love you, but loves you so much that e broke up with you to protect you. People who have depression and are in relationships tend to dump their problems on their SO. He didn't want ti do that to you, so he broke up with you to prevent you from feeling any pain before it becomes too late. And who says you need to move on. I honestly truly believe that he will come back to you one day, once his depression goes away. Just wait, and learn how to be happy on your own until he is ready for you. This is my opinion, but if you don't believe that he will ever come back to you, then you can go date other people. Its your decision.

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  • How can you EVER call someone who is obviously going through something you have no idea of 'an asshole'. Coming from someone who has suffered and dealt with depression, this sickens me.

    Yes it's probably his depression 'talking', but in now way does that give you the right to call him an asshole for his life choices.

    If you truly do love him, you'd be giving him space now, you'd be there to support if he needs it, and you reflecting on his condition.

    If he reverts his choice, then good on both of you; but regardless you should start the moving on process now.

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  • Jesus i'd tell him to take an SSRI and get something resembling a mental fortitude. he sounds like a basketcase.

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  • Is there no middle ground between depressed and asshole?

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  • Depressed dude that just got dumped? Do you wanna do the math or what?

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  • Depressions hurt, break ups also. He must feel very bad.

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  • People translate cold as a tool of detaching.

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  • Breakups hurt. They hurt less if they're clean.

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  • 1 you're being a girl and over thinking stuff lol. 2, he's going through dark times right now, if he loves you he'll come back. Sometimes you just need time alone to work through that stuff. I've been through plenty of dark times it gets better

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  • I agree with the others. It's between A and B. Life isn't all black and white. There might also be C and D. You crushed his ego and hurt him bad now he doesn't want anything to do with you, deal with it and forget about him.

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  • It appears he's either manipulating you with his false or exaggerated condition. Or he's depressed and attempting to manage as best he can. Even if he is depressed, barring extenuating circumstances, it is in my opinion very disrespectful to ignore people ESPECIALLY people you supposedly care about.

    I would tell him even if you two aren't together you don't like that he is ignoring you and you would probably rather not talk at all if he's going to do that, given you care about him.

    But honestly though in either case you definitely should not be in a relationship with him until/unless he gets his stuff together.

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What Girls Said 12

  • ... He was crying and shaking and said he wasn't stable enough to continue the relationship and is unhappy with it even even though he said he couldn't think of a single problem with us...
    However, by reading this here, dear, I can see plenty that is Wrong with this relationship and it starts with someone who has mental issues and other issues and as long as you would have continued, you would have been nothing but his Enabler... he has serious mind matters that do not look as though they are ending too soon and with also getting 'High' on top of all this, is only making this Muddle mind 'Matters' worse.
    He is not thinking clearly, it doesn't have to be etched in stone with me. He is not in his right mind, he has issues that you can't even help him with... yes, it's the 'Depression talking and not him' and may continue down the road, where no matter what relationship he attempts to get in, it will fail miserably.
    You need to let go and let God. Move on with your life. This one will only end up bringing you down to his level and end up having nothing but full circle problems down a beaten path.
    You appear, stable, smart and have this heart of gold. You deserve better. Don't wait around for someone who you cannot reach out to right now. You will only end up driving yourself insane, ending up with no gain.
    Good luck and blessings for 2015. xx

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  • You're on a break... doesn't that mean no contact whatsoever. Maybe you're a little too clingy and he needs a little space especially with the depression. Nothing Personal.. just stop adding salt to wounds and stay away before someone get hurts. Take some time for yourself. Breathe a little

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  • The best advice I can give you is to go and see him. Let him know that he is your best friend, and that you love him. Let him know that you are there for him anytime he needs you. If you are willing to wait for him, let him know. People with depression just need to know that there is light at the end, and that their loved ones are there for them.

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  • Depression is a bitch, literally. It eats at you until it takes everything you have. Sometimes it will get so bad, that you won't eat or drink anything for days. It's hard to fight something that eats at you from the inside, out.

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  • A guy dumps you because he is too depressed to think about somebody other than himself and you think he is an asshole? You deserve to get dumped.

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  • He is young, depressed and a jerk troll... you keep this up with him you also be diagnosed with depression ..

    Personal advice stay away from people like that they make you mentally sick...

    Find a new guy...

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  • No matter how difficult this mght be for you, Really try to give him the space and let him be the one to come to you , even if he you want him now. He might come to you or he might not, that's another story. There are ways to love people, many at times its not always meant to be romantic , but we humans have a hard time separating these emotions. emotions. Don't beat up yourself over it, it won't be easy for you but you have to find the strength and allow him and yourself to heal. There is something that is surprisingly an amazing healer.. It's called Time!!! and patience is the only thing that can get you there. Best of luck!

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  • I think he is trying to cover up his hurt that's all guys have emotions just like women do

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  • He's done with you

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  • Guess he loves you anyway, but you should move on you can't wait for him forever

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  • He's being cold because he wants nothing more to do with you.
    Time to move on

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  • Just move on

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