To stick around after being in a casual relationship with an old friend, or not? And if so, how to go about doing it?

Old friend (10+ years, not best buds but good friends) invites me to her birthday. Safe to say, we both got rather wasted, and things happened - totally unexpected, but turns out we liked each other for years and never said anything.

So we started dating. Great times, all the couple stuff (films, chilled times, parties etc). Things were just right, enough space and no arguments, and we just clicked.

Unfortunately I ended up letting myself slide back into old habits, and money became tight for both of us. She'd moved an hour away and was struggling for a job (which she found after a few months), and I had huge debts to pay. My car broke down and I couldn't travel to see her, or afford regular trains. Work dries up for a builder around that time.

She held on as long as she could but I think the physical and emotional distance messed things up, and the fact her life was progressing well now.

So she finished it. Two weeks after that she's dating an ex she's remained close to for a decade, who, frankly, has his life on track, and is a genuinely nice guy. I'm happy for her, honestly, but I still have strong feelings and know I let myself slip, BIG time. She didn't feel the same when we parted, but up until the problems surfaced it just felt right, and everything was going great.

She wants to remain friends. We still hang out and have a great laugh together, and I'm slowly learning to open up to her about my feelings, which I've always struggle with. It's obvious we both still care, and she's being very supportive, open and understanding. We seem to communicate better now.

Last time we hooked up, we ended up having a really good night of fun & laughter. We talked, the breakup was mentioned and what I'd do differently. I'd love to still have this girl about in my life as she's become really special to me... but how to go about that? I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time I'd hate to look back and wonder if I'd stuck about, what could have happened?


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What Girls Said 2

  • If you genuinley care for her, remain friends. Get your life in order and prove to yourself that you can be a responsible adult (and husband someday). She seems to be a well balanced woman with a good head on her shoulders and she will obviously want to be with someone who can hold his own and not be a "risk". you know, to be a Team.
    What you shouldn't do is stop your life and only wait for her, as long as she is in a serious relationship. Keep living your life and maybe fall in love with someone. Who knows what happens a few years from now. For now there is not much more you can do.

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    • That's mirrored my most prominent thoughts on it, thank you for this.

      It's obvious that we're ok in each other's company... Last night was the first time since we broke up just after new year that we've just hung out... And was, 99% just a laugh. I admit I did get a little emotional when it came to parting ways for the evening, just because of how much fun we'd had - something I feel was missing towards the end. She even suggested doing it again soon, and that she wasn't sure if it was going to be a good idea leading up to the meet... Must have done something right on the night!

      Smack on about being unable to do anything right now, i wouldn't want to, and holding on is only going to be harmful to me in the long run. And I care enough to want her to be happy, whoever that's with. I'm not going to get in the way of that, that'd just be wrong on all fronts.

      I'm open to the idea of something new myself, but I'd want to be in a better emotional place for that.

  • Obviously you'll have to become that reliable locomotive steaming down the tracks, headed for a comfortable life before she'll take a ride... according to her history.
    It occurred to me that almost anyone can become a Realtor, which could REALLY help out a Builder and vice versa to insure a bright, green future together and bond them in business beyond just romance.
    You may have to begin small, e. g. buy a fixer upper to "flip"/sell but if she's willing to participate a little bit (easy stuff) she might get hooked and both of you could "be on track".

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    • Thanks for that one!

      Oddly enough, this new chap is actually doing exactly that, and she's helping him out on a regular basis to fix this place up. Last night she even said that my trade was one of the things that attracted her to me in the first place. Direction.

      The problem for us, I think, is that for some reason we never seemed to be entirely emotionally compatible... although we have many, many other things that we bond well over. The main reason we broke up is because she says she didn't feel the same for me, however I have a feeling that because I kept asking about clarifying what we were it pushed her away.

      Sadly 2000 letters really isn't enough to describe the complexities of this situation, but it'll have to do. The thing I'm most concerned about is whether my feelings for her will get to me to the point where I end up pushing her away by being to clingy etc (which I think I'm doing a fair job of avoiding for the mostpart

    • She CAN help out with more than ONE house fix... so get her on board with yours. She'll decide who wins... "if you don't enter you can't win" ... so get a house and enter the race to capture her... figure out IF you'll keep her later!

    • Hahaha, yeah, that's true :)

      Seems a common theme here of staying in touch.

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