Why do people feel like they have a right to judge me?

It doesn't make sense. Im married, we've been separated a year. Within that separation I had fun and a little exploration. For the first 5 months of our separation we were not friendly or talking. After 7 months I had an accident and then we started talking again because we have assets together like car insurance and phone lines that we can't break yet due to contract. Well, because of our past of him being sporadically abusive with me, he feels bad. He wants to help me. We don't want to get back together, but he wants to see me succeed because he knows he held me back. So he's been paying my car insurance and phone bill for the past 6 months. My friends seem to judge me for this... like.. this shouldn't be happening. Like I shouldn't accept it when he gives me rides to work when i have no other way of getting there because my car might be totaled right now or the fact that were still civil must mean i am planning on getting back together with him but i am not. And i know he is not either, we are clear about that with each other, we know it just cannot work between us but it can if we are at a distance as friends and no intimacy. I'm tired of being treated like I'm a bad person when were both consenting adults on having a friendship after a 6 year relationship. He is no longer nasty with me because we are friends at a distance, i have eliminated that risk of setting him off emotionally like that. He is always friendly with me and he's moved on. He doesn't hurt his friends or family or anyone else. I know i take that risk of him maybe losing his temper one day but we avoid talking about our past relationship honestly or other men/women in our lives. We keep it civil and friendly. Why do people judge me for this? Why do they view this as a negative relationship? I have no obligation to get back together with him or have sexual relations.. we still plan on getting a divorce.. so why is him helping me sometimes so bad?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Taking into consideration that he has changed into a wonderful man that is so giving in nature now, it feels more like a tactic to win you back than anything else. He is claiming to be a changed man that wants to atone for what he did. That is a classic way of manipulating someone. Even if he is genuine there are a lot of bad people that have used similar tactics. I understand people being worried about you.

    As for them thinking they have a right to judge you, well the truth is they do have that right. Just because society says we shouldn't judge someone, doesn't mean we don't have the right. Judging others one way or another is just something humans do. We are all judged based on the decisions we make, even if those decisions don't effect anyone other than ourselves.

    • I understand how the behavior LOOKS and people have said that to me and I'm like can't you understand that I can talk to an ex without him trying to get me back! :( I have other friends who are exes and one of them we have not slept together since 2008 when we broke up and we've been friends again since 2012.. i don't get it. Its not that crazy of an idea.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think they're just worried about you. Becoming friends with your abuser is a big risk. Mainly because he could get abusive again, but also because those ties are extremely hard to eliminate once you've been married and in love. Continuing to see him and be friendly with him could cause feelings to linger, whether you realize it or not.

    I think they just want to see you functioning independently from him.

    • I also understand their concern, but right now he has helped me in ways that those people judging me would NEVER help me. And he asks for nothing in return. He's not up my ass 24/7 trying to hang out and get back together, he's honestly just interested in helping me get back on my feet again so I can live independently. I am in school and his helping me pay the phone and insurance helps me to not have to drop out

    • Then quit listening to what they have to say. It's none of their business how your finances are taken care of, and I'm not sure why you told them to begin with. From now on I would just laugh and ignore it.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • I had almost the exact same experience as you. And believe me, do not trust the peace.

    My ex abused me emotionally and when he realized I was really gone and already had moved part of my stuff out he was a changed man suddenly.
    Letting me borrow the truck to buy furniture, lending me the car. He pretended to be my friend because "he realized what an idiot he has been" and totally accepted that I left him. He gave me space and was acting like a good friend and mature human being. I used to work for him, and he even kept paying me my salary even though I was not coming to the office anymore.
    We where handling the divorce stuff a few days a week and would actually get along.

    That my dear friend was a huge pile of BS.

    It was his way of trying to manipulate me into thinking he really did learn his lesson and that I would (as many times before) fall for him again.

    But wattayaknow!! The day I told him AGAIN that we where over and that in fact I had met someone (that wasn't true, I lied to get rid if him) his niceness was gone. He showed his real face again, and of course he stopped lending me the truck or anything (even though it was still half mine mind you not)

    So don't buy into any of it. Take advantage of it for as long as you need it to get back on your feet, but try to separate your new life from him as soon as possible.

    Just a pointer, during separation, the husband or breadwinner of the family is SUPPOSED to pay your insurance. That is not charity on his part. And honey, as long as he pays the phone bills, he also has access to call records. Think about that for asecond.

  • Unfortunately the only answer I have for you is that some people are judgmental beyond reason. It's totally fine for you to be friends with him, and it's really too bad that your friends can't trust your choices. I hope that they can come to understand. Maybe you should try talking to them about it if you haven't already.


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