I'm considering leaving an unhappy marriage - any advice?

I've been unhappy in my marriage for quite a while. Long story short, he is often condescending, manipulative, and withholds affection - which has really lowered my self esteem. We have a daughter who is six and he is a good father to her. He used to care like that for me but now he treats me like sh*t. We are quite incompatible in a lot of ways - which is the cause of our problems - but I didn't really see that before. If we didn't have our daughter, I would have left him by now because of how he treats me. Does anyone out there have any advice - maybe you have been through a divorce with kids and can tell me what to "watch out" for?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I was in your situation more or less. One year ago, I moved out. I was fortunate in that we have remained amicable and even occasionally do things together for our daughter. I wanted nothing from him whatsoever, not even child support as we split her time with us 50/50. I just needed out, I was so unhappy I was beginning to take it out on her (losing my temper and such, never physically).

    I started looking for places close to the house, found one, moved stuff out slowly so he never really noticed. When I told him, I already had a place to go in case he zapped out and threw me out; as he tried to do once before.

    It was amazingly almost like a relief to him, I think. I had assumed he was still in love with me, but I realized that he was as unhappy as I was.

    My daughter took a bit to understand and I am not certain she fully understands the finality. I haven't begun divorce proceedings yet, I am out of the situation and remembering that I am important and not some house servant there to do everything in the house and outside while he stayed all day in bed and watched TV. I lost some weight (I was about 15-20 heavier then) that I had gained throughout the final years of marriage. I know now they were stress pounds as I shed them within the first four months of freedom.

    Your child will adapt as long as you keep it friendly for her sake and don't let him use her as a pawn. Don't try to finagle things by withholding visits and such; he is her dad and deserves to see her if he has never abused her.

    One year out now, in a good relationship with someone who treats me with appreciation and respect. I never let my child know when I was dating, she never met them since I don't want her to have a revolving door of "uncles;". I hear bad things about that effect on kids. This one still hasn't met her yet, either. I keep her separate from my dating life, for now. I think that is important.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience. Good on you for having the strength to do this and well planned! I think that is ideal to have an amicable relationship for your daughter. Certainly I would want to do the same and I think this can be achieved in our situation. I just can't tolerate his controlling behaviour any more - it's not so good having someone who constantly points out all your faults. Last year we were arguing a lot (my poor daughter often stepped in to defend me) but now that I have disengaged he doesn't shout at me like he used to (he still makes a lot of demeaning comments). During one of these disputes he yelled that he wasn't happy and during another he said he wanted a divorce and said "I would have no regrets leaving you". I agree with your approach to dating. I really admire you as you have clearly made the absolute best out of a bad situation. All the best!

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What Guys Said 12

  • What you asked for is advice on leaving and others are giving it. I really could not tell you anything about leaving. But I have seen many relationships have problems, including some in my own, which thankfully were not that bad and we worked through most. So I can tell you that what he expressed about your appearance and completing chores were not necessarily what was really bothering him. At that point in your life you had to focus on your child, so you may have completely missed some important signals from your husband. He may have been feeling left out from your interests at that point. And if that continued without resolving it, then things would escalate from there. It could have been something else, but that is most common.

    It is far down the road and may be irrecoverable. But counseling would be worth the attempt. The two of you have in vested a lot together and if you can save it AND return to your earlier love and intimacy, you should at least give that a chance. He may see what he is doing and not like it, but he may not be able to see how to change it. It is not as simple as "just doing it". When someone gets into a pattern, even when they try to change, certain triggers will cause them to go back into it. You should have had counseling long ago and it may be too late. but I would hope you at least give it a try.

    • Thanks for your comment. I did ask him about it and he said he felt he didn't need to go. You are probably right that it isn't about the housework since I found that if I would try to appease him by making sure whatever it was he complained about was at least done then he would find something else "wrong".

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    • Thanks :-)

    • Sorry I could not offer better. Good luck. :-)

  • You want advice? Here you go.

    Start respecting yourself and: get the fuck out of this relationship.

    Let's see.

    Why would you want to stay in this relationship?

    For your daughter? So she can learn all the beautiful dynamics of a healthy relationship? So she can see how a man is suppose to treat a woman? So she can see how love works between two people? So she can be in a positive, loving environment that is created by two people in love?

    Let's be real. Your HUSBAND--the man whom is suppose to love you and whom you are suppose to love--treats you like shit.

    What more of an excuse do you need? Having a child DOES NOT BIND a marriage. It does not make a marriage work. It should not make you reconsider whether you stay or leave a douchebag. And if you want your daughter to have ANY respect for you when she gets older, you will leave this loser.

    So. . .

    Do what's best FOR YOU so you can be a great mom to your daughter.


    • Thanks - this has helped me to feel better about this decision. He was a nice guy towards me in the beginning - and many people on the outside think he is still - but he started this when I had my daughter, gradually escalating over the years. It took me a while to realise what was happening and last year was the worst with him constantly shouting at me. This has improved over the last month (no shouting, still demeans me though) and I think it is because he can see me getting myself together and not giving a fck what he thinks... What I wanna know is how do I work out how to walk out of this with the best possible outcome for my daughter? I am not afraid to be on my own.

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    • She's old enough then where you can explain what's going on in very simple terms. And then if she has questions when she gets older, you can answer them. Just do what's best for you right now, and it will be what's best for her.

    • Thanks for your advice.

  • You have a daughter so think about her before thinking about yourself, and it happens every single family will face problems in their relationships but problems can be solved and divorce is not always the right thing to do... And you said he used to treat you very well so this means the chance that he will treat you well again is high. Again think about your daughter :)

    I hope everything will be ok for you

    • Thanks for your comment. I have considered my daughter, which is why I am still here. Yes, he treated me well when I was skinny and when I gained weight with the pregnancy he became this way. My daughter's happiness means the world to me, but should I be forced to stay with someone who makes me miserable?

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    • @Icywinter thanks so much for your opinion (based on experience). You are so right! Do you have any advice for "newcomers" on how to do it with the best outcome for my daughter.

    • I agree with @Asker

      Thinking about your daughter very much means a happy mother and father as well as a stable home. Stable home doesn't mean husband wife living together it just means stability

      Iv seen kids much happier living with one parent problem free vs living with two parents with problems

  • Life has twists and turns. Home is your shelter. Be patient, but dont compromise on anything that doesn't make you happy. Life is short, let you heart guide you and you will make the right decision.

    • Thanks so much - that is really good advice.

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    • same here. bodybuilding crew

    • If you feel that way in a marriage though, its time to move on. No reason to quarrel, sometimes life is twisted. Thank her for the happy mamories and move on. If you remain more, all these memories will be replaced by pain and hate. That is my two cents. If you want further discussion, shoot a message

  • Personal opinion is that the best thing for a kid is to have two happy parents. Remaining unhappy for their sake will only harm them (I think).

    • I agree. The hard part is knowing when it is truly unsalvageable - I have had it but since it is not 100% bad then how do I know whether I have given it a fair go?

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    • Well, it is a complex issue. I would definitely recommend that book by Stephen Covey: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people. It has helped me understand myself and relationships better. It is one of the few really good self-help books in my opinion. Also, this article:


      You can choose to invest some time and energy in trying to salvage your marriage. Or you can decide you have spent enough already and tell him you are leaving.

      From your case, it sounds as if you are taking too much crap from your husband. And maybe also as if the two of you aren't being open and honest enough with each other.

      But yeah, I guess there was a reason you two got married in the first place for both of you, and maybe you can get back to some of that.

    • Thanks for your help and advice. I just feel we are in totally different planets -our differences were always there but somehow we worked through them in the beginning. I guess we have groen very tired of accomodating these differences - my mum says she thinks we are unfortunately incompatible in a lot of ways but we used to make it work. I think it has just been a lot more work thanbit should have been and we are both tired of it. Bit thanks for the readings -I will read them and see what I get oit of it.

  • Have you tried marriage counselling, or anything?

    There has to be a better option than breaking up your family.

    • He and I have had a number of talks - he never admits any wrong doing, it is all my fault.
      He said he didn't feel that he needed to go to counselling.

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    • I don't know your local laws but you can divorce someone here whenever you want

    • Yeah, I will have to check...

  • I commend you for taking this first step. Not many people have the courage to do so, they get comfortable in their situation. Change can be hard, but shortly after you start realizing your much happier. It just takes some time to adjust to your new life

    He sounds like a good father. So I wouldn't think there would be any daughter issues as in custody battles

    You should be aware of the financials during a divorce

    And that's really about it, just move on and life your life and see how you like it. I'm sure if ever the love rekindles it would just work out

    • Thanks for your comment :-) Yes he would do just about anything for our daughter. He used to be like that for me but it seems lost total respect for me when I had her - he belittled me about the weight gain and not completing all the household chores (focusing on what I hadn't done rather than what I had done) but I was busy providing around the clock care for a baby, which I hadn't done before and she wasn't easy to look after (not a good eater or sleeper). I am not afraid of being alone. Sometimes he works on weekends and I am thankful having the house to myself with my daughter.

  • Is this inter-cultural relationship

  • My ex indicated that she was unhappy in our relationship. I was always good to her and she said on a day to day we were good. But she didn't have an indication on the future, and didn't know if we would be getting married.

  • Look at Stefan Molyneux's videos on the subject of marriage, families and divorce. You're fitting pretty much perfectly into the average divorce statistics and I imagine he would tell you that you're screwing your husband and child over pretty darn good. You're probably going to get custody of the child and a better financial outcome than your husband simply because the courts are bias. I say figure it out, don't split, because you're just making it more likely that your kid and husband are going to be fucked up down the road. No father is no good, especially if your husband really is a good father. Figure your shit out.

    • So do you regularly blame the victim?
      Yes he is a good father - I never said he wasn't - except that he frequently berated me where even my daughter felt compelled to step in and tell him off. How is that healthy for her?
      Are you married? Do you have kids? Why the strong opinion?

    • The thing about victim-hood is that is absolves you of any responsibility, as if you have no moral agency, as if things just happen to you like you can get struck by lightning in your living room on a clear day. That's not the case. Your daughter is the victim here, you however do have responsibility for ending up in the situation you are in and shouldn't be copping out via victimhood.

      Your divorce scenario would be so stereotypical that statistically it seems very likely that your husband and daughter are both going to lose out. There are problems, but you have so much more to gain by trying to fix them rather than just deciding you're not satisfied and it can't be helped.

      No kids, no marriage, I just care about the world and how people might be damaging it.

    • So you have no experience whatsoever but you feel self-righteousness to judge. Who ever said that I had any intention of cutting him out of my daughter's life? I don't at all want that but you have automatically assumed this. I agree that she is a victim but whether she has parents living separately or parents in an unhappy situation then she loses out.. And yes I married him and got myself in this situation but one day you might have a relationship that lasts longer than a few months or a year and find out that things in a long term relationship change - he didn't always act this poorly towards me, this started when I had our daughter - for some reason at this point he decided I wasn't good enough. You sound even more judgmental than my husband.

  • life is short
    don't waste 1 second being unhappy for stupid commitments
    your daughter will understand someday and support your decision
    but you probably bring her pain for now
    so decision is yours your happiness or her

    • Thanks for your comment :-)
      It was a stupid commitment - I didn't realise he'd turn into an a-hole.
      I mean, if you married someone and they carried your baby, would you lose total respect for them because they gained some weight in the process and didn't always get all the housework done because they were busy providing around the clock care for your baby?

  • i suggest going to some marriage counselling. Don't leave just for yourself... think about your daughter and the life you want for her. Children have better odds at succeeding when they grow up with both parents

    • Thanks for your comment. I have thought about my daughter - which is why I haven't left already. I think children succeed if they are loved. I agree that the best outcome is a child growing up in a loving marriage - but that is not what I have here. So the question then becomes is she better off being raised in an unhappy marriage or having two parents that don't live together? Last year when he was always shouting at me she often felt the need to try step in and that broke my heart. Over the last month he has toned down the shouting - so it is better for her - but a lot of the time is still not nice to me.

What Girls Said 12

  • I have a cousin who was Physically and mentally Abused by a husband who she is married to, they have 3 young children, one of them a baby and was forced to go into a domestic Violence shelter a month ago out in Georgia, where her husband is stationed, for he is in the army.
    After she left the shelter, she took the kids and just left Georgia, came Upstate, New York to her families and with God's Love and help, she was able to get her own apartment, settle in and all sorts of donations began rolling in from Georgia and all over...
    It just goes to show you, that if nothing you have tried and no talking that you have done has worked, that even with a 'Daughter who is six,' you can make a move to begin your own beguine of starting over. However, talk to a lawyer first and get some good advice. When you have children involved, it can get to be a sticky situation. My cousin has to go back to and forth to Georgia to go to court with her husband now, so whatever you do, get some good advice first.
    Do it while you are young and not when you are old and gray and wish you had done it sooner... I know many people who stayed until their children left home and then decided to fly the nest.
    You surely have a right to some happiness here, dear, and to someone who is Much more deserving. This one will only get and grow worse with his own old age and could eventually Physically abuse you in the end.
    Good luck and God's blessings. xx

    • Thanks so much for sharing your story about your cousin. My husband is not physically abusive and I don't think he has it in him but he does 'nag' a lot at everything I do - nothing I do is right - and he makes a lot of comments about my weight gain. I have recently made friends who have helped me build my esteem and I have disengaged with him as I have had enough - this has seemingly caused him to tone down his behaviour but I know it is "under the carpet" rather than "resolved" as he still makes his condescending remarks. I have talked to him but he entirely blames me.

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    • I am so happy to hear your cousin is happy and content. Yes I fear you will be right on that one - that he will only get worse. Thanks again :-)

    • Thank you so much, I feel God was leading her and with God, He too will Lead you... Listen to Him, listen to your heart...:)) xxoo

  • My parents are divorced. My dad waited until I was 15 to start proceedings. I'm the youngest.

    My parents were unhappy for a long time but by the time I came along, they were really unhappy. My childhood memories are hiding from my dad because I only ever saw him angry, shouting and drunk. Hiding from my mother because she used to mentally abuse me to improve her self esteem. And hiding under a table watching my parents yell and throw things at each other.

    I wish my parents had separated. I spent my childhood mostly afraid and being raised by myself (because my brothers were older and were just going to their friends instead).

    Only thing I would say is don't think of yourself. As tempted as it is to take him to the cleaners and stuff, your children will look on you more pleasantly if you don't. My mother was given all the money, even my university fund. So as a result I never got a degree. She took everything and I hate her - I haven't spoken to or seen her for 6 years.
    Speak to your daughter. Explain to her what's happening and find out how she's feeling. She's young enough that she won't really understand. Try and have a reasonable talk with your husband as well - but I would go see a solicitor for some free advice before you do anything.

    • Thanks for telling me your story. I am sorry to hear that you had it so rough as a child. It does help to hear your story as you speak the voice of my own child when she is too young to do so. Everytime he has verbally attacked me in front of her, my heart breaks not for my sake but for hers - especially seeing her at the tender age she is stand up and defends me - and then he accuses me of turning her against him. Lately he has been better towards me but I think it is only because he thinks I will leave him - I have found some friends and gone to the gym so I have lost some weight so this has built my esteem. I agree with you - that my daughter's well being will be most important and the good thing is that he adores her as much as I do. He is sensible enough to do what is best for her but for some reason he can't see that emotionally abusing her mother is hurting her too. However, I think he has also come from a home similar to yours...

    • Don't worry - wasn't your fault! But thanks.
      I would strongly advise sooner than later. I was the same - I used to defend my dad and my mum would scream "you're poisoning her mind against me" to my dad and my brothers.
      Seek advice. Seek a divorce. Think of your child.
      You will be okay, and be honest with the court. In the end, it will all sort itself out... if you want, you can PM me and I'll help you as much as I can. Xx

    • Thanks so much!

  • Woah, he seriously lost respect for you because you gained some weight and don't always get all the housework done? Your husband doesn't sound like a kind person... He seems very selfish and not really understanding. Have you tried talking to him about it?

    • Yes that seems to be the case - I stayed at home for 2 years to look after my daughter and he was not very understanding. I now work and study and his pattern continued. Throughout the years I have talked to him - for example, when I went back to work she went to daycare. Then he left his job and stayed at home for about a year and we put her in care 5 days per week as she was loving being with the other kids (we didn't want to take that away from her). At that time he made a comment about how busy he was with keeping up the house and I said to him - yes it is challenging as it was for me when I was at home. And he said but it was different for you as she was a baby then so easy to look after and I said and you have her in care 5 days a week where I had her the whole time. This is just one example of many where he refuses to acknowledge my efforts.

  • "he is often condescending, manipulative, and withholds affection - which has really lowered my self esteem."

    That can be considered abusive. I think it is if he's doing it on purpose.

    Have you been to see a therapist? Try to communicate him to see why he's treating you so badly compared to your daughter? I know one reason why some women see this change--and I'm NOT saying this is YOU--is because the man thinks that the mother isn't a good mother. Did this behavior pre-exist before your child?

    If you've done all of that, I would simply try and get full custody. I'm sure he'll try to do the same (either out of spite for you or because he wants to). All of this said, I have no children and haven't been married, but I wish all the best for you and your situation.

    • Thanks for your comment. Yes I think it is emotional abuse, which is why I want out. His abuse centers around my weight gain that I have struggled to lose since the pregnancy, other physical features (that were always there but not an issue for him before) and how I don't keep the house to his desired standard (I am not dirty... but if books or bags or toys are out then to me it is just part of life and I will pack them away when I get to it where he wants the house immaculate). She also wasn't the easiest baby to look after - others said this also, including ladies at her daycare that she started attending when I returned to work and study - even though she is gorgeous and I would do anything for her. But he often would abuse me saying how other women manage to get everything done, drop the weight, and they have more than 1. Now that I am working, his condescending remarks are about my weight or housework or my phone or whatever other thing he considers to be a fault.

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    • @rationallioness... your beautiful girl... just dropping you a compliment

  • I left my marriage of 11 years last year. We have three kids together and it's the best decision I made for us. No body wants to live and unhappy life and just say in a marriage just because or for the kids because the kids will pick up the tension and the unhappiness. I tried to but it's not worth it. Life's too short to live with someone you are not fully in love with. I took the risk and the unknown and branched out on my own. Was it tough? Sure it was. You go through a lot of stress and court dates and people judging you but my happiness comes before anyone else. My kids are happy because mom is happy now and vice versa. They adjust. Trust me they do.

    • Thanks for telling me your story as this does help to hear from someone who has already done it. I imagine it to be tough but if you end up with a good result like you have then it is worth it. I do have fears of the unknown and the judgement I am sure I would be subjected to but this marriage has taken a toll on me and my daughter. I have become so disengaged with him that I hardly even look at him anymore and I am building up my self-esteem (eg getting in shape - the gym is an outlet for me) and since then he has become more amicable which is better for my daughter but I don't feel any love for him and wish I had've married someone else.

  • Get out of the relationship and think of your daughter. If he's gets abusive or makes you scared or feel unsafe or anything, get serious people involved. It takes some longer than others to know if its love for them. And having kids only makes it harder vs being married and no kids. Keep yourself and your daughter safe.

  • I would normally said put your child into consideration before yourself but I can 100% tell you're completely unhappy.
    Grab your kid and get away from him, it's your life and you should live it for you not him.

    • Thanks for your comment.
      The hard thing is knowing what is the best for my daughter - last year I was convinced that even for her sake it was best for us to split up as he was constantly shouting at me and she was trying to get involved. I have found some nice friends who have helped me feel better about myself and I have disengaged - his behaviour has toned down to condescending remarks that he tries to pass of as jokes and I throw him a dirty look and walk off. I don't want my daughter to witness more fights. Yes not happy...

    • But now my daughter seems more settled. But is this more healthy for her than us being separated - I am not sure. But it is not healthy for me, that is for sure.

  • I'm just here to follow this. I'm going through a very similar situation. It's so difficult, I'm sorry! 😯

    • Sorry to hear you are going through this also. It is difficult because both options are not good - you either decide to stay and suffer with your child, or you leave and your child is torn between two parents. The third option is to fix it but it doesn't seem possible. My husband has clearly sensed me ready to leave and he is now (in the last few days) trying to be really nice but it currently feels like the same old complaints only sugar coated.

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    • Yes me too - just emotional. I agree, physical would be an easier decision. When it is emotional, you aren't sure if you are just being oversensitive, don't you think?

    • I totally agree with you!

  • Some other people summed it up perfectly, why you should just leave your husband, but I wanted to add one thing. As the child of divorced parents, I can tell you that yes, it kinda sucks for the kid. But my parents weren't in a healthy relationship (not abusive, but toxic) and I am so glad they left each other. It wasn't a happy home, it wasn't a good example of what relationships should be, and it was damaging to me just to be in that household for as long as I was.

    Bad relationships don't have to be extreme cases to have a negative effect on children. I honestly think you should divorce him, and your daughter will absolutely be okay.

    • Thank you so much as this has been my biggest fear - what is best for her. I know that leaving is best for me and I am not afraid to be alone. And for your comment "Bad relationships don't have to be extreme cases to have a negative effect on children" - thank you - because there are certainly worse than mine out there and this has been on my mind - there is no physical abuse, for example; and not every moment is bad. But he does demean me at least once a day and sometimes more. Last year he shouted at me a lot to the point where she often would step in and tell him off and I felt really aweful for her. The last few months he has toned this down a lot but I think it is only because he can see me getting myself together (I have some good friends now and have started at the gym) and I have cared a whole lot less about what he says.

    • I'm so sorry that you've had to put up with any of that. Even if he's not hitting you, he has no right to demean you or make you feel bad, or anything like that. If he thinks it's okay, he's dead wrong. I really think leaving is the best thing you could do for both you and your daughter, from what you've said in the question and in comments, and you'd set a good example by not staying in a relationship like that, by making it clear that it's not okay and that you deserve better.

  • Well it sounds like the cons outweigh the pros. I would recommend you to start looking around for support (esp from friends and families, even professional supports) bc breaks up are just TOUGH in general.

    If you are at that point where it's better to walk away, and when you do walk away, you realized you have no tears bc you are done hurting, then be brave and keep walking... there may be moments when you doubt your decisions, when you start to miss him, etc and it's all part of the healing process.

  • I just left my husband after 20 years and four kids. The hardest thing I ever had to do. He's a great dad however was too controlling. I wasted too many years being unhappy and should have done it a long time ago. I don't want to tell you what to do because it's a decision you really have to make for yourself. Think about your future and what will make you happy. Be true to yourself.

    • Thanks for telling me about your experience. That must have been tough to leave after 20 years and with 4 children - your courage in doing this is really amazing. Many people tell you to just leave if you are unhappy but if you have children and financial commitments it is not an easy decision. That is my husband - great dad but too controlling. Recently I decided to pick myself up out of the dumps and started going to the gym and I have new friends who have helped me feel good about myself. My husband's behaviour has improved (no longer shouts at me all the time, but still makes demeaning remarks) but I think it is because he fears I will leave. Did you find your husband did this - when he felt like he was losing you he made efforts? I tried talking to my husband about his behaviour for years and he was always so self righteous and had no interest in working on it.

  • Well, I have two kids and we are unhappily married, we are actually separated. unfortunately we still live together for financial reasons. we sleep in separate rooms, have our own separate life, we still raise our kids together tho with plans to complete the divorce hopefully sometime this year.
    All I can say is be patient, don't be scared either, I was scared and embarrassed for along time. I put up with a lot of unnecessary shit, had I had the courage to leave, or even push back I would of done it years ago, I would of left before I got pregnant, I realized I had a voice and I didn't deserve his stupid shit.. and sense then I've became a new women, calling shots. However no your worth, stand up for yourself. And know you deserve better

    • Thank you so much for telling me about your situation. How hard was it to negotiate with him the separated life under the same roof? Did you go to a councillor/therapist? Good on you for being brave and making the step - we do deserve to be happy. We haven't gone to a councillor... I feel like I have woken up and thought OMG, I'm being abused. So I tried talking to him but he thinks it is all my fault (either that his complaints are valid or tells me that I mistakenly took his insults personally when they were intended as a joke). I just want out at this point.

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    • We haven't gone to a therapist either - I know what you mean about don't want to now and suffering too long. It's where I am at now too. I just haven't had the "let's go our separate ways" discussion (yet). OMG, my husband tries to stop me doing stuff too! I used to buckle and not do stuff but then I realised my daughter was missing out things she wanted to do (like the local festival) so I decided he wasn't going to do that to her and that I would take her.

    • Yeah, same here. He put his needs before my children or mines because he makes the most money so he feels he's the boss, but my lower advised me to tell him to wake up and smell the coffee. So I did. And I feel great now that I've taken back my sign and self respect. I have a daughter too, and I won't let her see the disrespect, I also have a son, and I don't want hi. To think it's alright to treat women that way

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