Is apologizing to the girlfriend worth it?

So, there's a guy I've known for a long time (went to school with him) who cheated on his girlfriend with me multiple times.

The first time, I had no idea he was seeing someone. Totally oblivious to the fact. The next few times, spread over periods of several months without contact, I suspected they were still together but didn't know for sure. Which, while true, really is a lame excuse for my actions, but considering I was in a dark place in my life (as well as VERY naive) and felt like he made things better for me, I was pathetic. He wouldn't add me on social media after a while, he said nothing about her at all and his and hers were set to private so there was no way of really knowing unless I asked, to which he would probably lie.

No sex was involved, and we never saw each other except for once. All of our correspondence was through the phone or messaging. I guess his girlfriend found out because not even three days after lunch date they both blocked me from social media and the guy did not contact me again until recently. Against my better judgement, I talked to him thinking that we could be friends and keep boundaries. We had a really good friendship, at least before I had knowledge of the girlfriend, so I didn't want to hurt his feelings if he, for once, had honest intentions. But he flirted, though I didn't reciprocate. I had my suspicions. I dug deeper and confirmed them, so I severed ties with him last month.

Now the point is... should I apologize to the girlfriend? I have a long letter already drawn up. I feel awful and want to give accountability but at the same time, I don't feel like I need to further involve myself in this mess.

I'm not a whore, nor do I go out of my way to take something that's not mine. I'm not even in my twenties, yet I already consider this to be my lowest point and have no idea how I can live with myself. Insight is appreciated, with judgment aside. I'm judging myself as it is


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Firstly, you have nothing to feel bad over. You sound like a very sincere, honest human being and I don't think you should feel awful for what happened. There's no need to judge yourself. You must forgive yourself and learn that is just another mistake. All humans make mistakes and do bad things sometimes. You are no different than someone else who made a mistake. What counts is learning from it and moving on. That is all you can do and should be doing. You are a great person and do not let this one mistake make you negative about your life.

    I think you should leave the situation as it is. Apologizing to this girl seems like a gamble. She will likely still be angry and will maybe think you have some backstage motives for what you are doing. I think it is best to put the past in the past and to not look back. You're right... there's no need for you to involve yourself further. She obviously took him back so she can't be that pissed off anymore. Just move on and try to forgive yourself.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • No you do not owe her an apology. What happened is his fault not yours. Also, you sound a little down so if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message whenever

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  • Never say you're sorry it's a sign of weakness.

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    • That moment when people are not strong enough to admit their own imperfections.

  • don't apologize just leave it as it is and keep away from this mess
    it's no use burdening yourself just keep distance from the guy and of course the gf and forget about it. move on
    take care

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What Girls Said 4

  • I think if it would make you feel better maybe it would be a good idea. She may not welcome it but that's her loss, don't look from validation from her. In reality he is the one in the wrong and you have nothing to feel bad for. I think that they seem like a lot of negativity you need to let go and move on from because you deserve better. If apologizing helps you do that than go for it, but I do not think you should feel like it's something you have to do (especially not just to make them feel better) if I were you I would be a little selfish and just do what makes me feel best and move on :)
    by the way, don't feel so low about yourself, you seem like a wonderful person with a really good personality. It's sounds awful (but I will say it because I'm a savage like that) but he cheated on her with you so actually he needed you, not the other way around lol

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  • Sending that letter will only make things worse. Chances are, she'll take it the wrong way, tell this guy, he then tries to contact you over it and it will all explode in your face.

    Nothing good can come out of it.

    I understand that your conscious is probably killing you and you feel like the letter will give you closure, but it's a bad idea. If you accidentally bumped into this girl, perhaps an apologoy would make more sense. But don't go out of your way to contact her - it will only get worse and you'll find yourself caught up in the drama you've been trying so hard to avoid.

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  • I don't think you should apologize

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  • I don't think you should send that letter to his girlfriend. It's best to just leave it as it is now and stay away from that guy.

    The only thing that makes me think that perhaps you should send the letter or get in touch with her is that she might not even know the real story. I'm sure he hasn't been open and honest with her, just like he hasn't been open and honest with you. Who knows what sort of story he's told her (probably portrayed himself as the victim). So that is where I'm thinking that maybe it would be good for her to know your side of the story. But only so that she has your side and then can decide what to do. I've actually often wondered if (assuming my boyfriend cheated on me) I would want to hear from/informed by the woman involved. I don't really know, I kind of think I would. But I've never been in the situation so I have no idea.

    Having said all that: I don't think an apology letter is necessary. If anything, then you should send her a letter to let her know about what really went on because I doubt this guy actually told her the true story.

    You shouldn't feel all that bad. Yes, you could have dug deeper from the beginning but most of us don't assume that people lie to us, so it's not your fault.

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