Is it possible to have an amicable breakup with an abusive boyfriend? I'm not sure how to end this when we're barely communicating?

We had a nasty argument where he was verbally aggressive He had twisted my words to accuse me of insulting him and told me that I knew exactly what I was doing. Later he gave me a half assed apology laced with justifications. I told him I was hurt that he assumed the worst intentions and got so incredibly nasty. Like he thought I deserved to be talked down to. He claimed that he knew I wasn't intentionally trying to insult him but that accidently insulting him is just as bad because it means I'm saying things without thinking. He completely dodged my hurt feelings comment. It has been over a week and he hasn't brought up talking face to face like he had suggested (and I agreed to). But he has been texting good morning and good night every single day except this morning. He had started some brief small talk here and there but any conversations we've had have been extremely tense and awkward. I did reply to his texts politely because I wanted to leave the door open to at least talk about breaking up. I don't want to be with him anymore because of how horribly he treated me. And I don't think he wants to be with me either. We are both in the same social community where he's well known and a leader who runs events. So I'm afraid of him retaliating and turning people against me if I cut off contact. I also feel extremely uncomfortable starting a conversation about ending things. He didn't reach out this morning so it's possible this can fade away without a discussion. What can I do? Also he works as a social worker, therapist and is heavily involved in social justice. He was severely emotionally and physically abused as a child. He has to know what he's doing on some level, right?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Telling him anything could cause him to erupt. Your safety and peace of mind is more important than being verbally assaulted and hopefully not physically accosted.

    People like this control freak will do and say anything and everything to make you feel as bottom of the barrel as possible to make you think you should be thanking the heavens this person has the compassion to be with you. Well, it's actually the other way around. This guy is miserable, hates himself and only feels better by bringing people down to feel as shitty as he does about himself.

    Trying to be rational with an irrational person usually doesn't end well, and you'll only end up being insulted and walk away feeling very hurt. This guy does not deserve a nice explanation from you, but deserves to have his ass kicked out of your life for good.

    Once he realizes the verbal assaults don't work, he'll change his methods and be nice as anyone on the planet, telling you he's changed and how much better things will be because he's a "new man". Well, fuck that, he's full of shit, and you're going to sign up for more pain and drama if you fall for it.

    Kick his ass to the curb, and don't look back. His actions are reason enough for you to shut the door on him and you own him nothing beyond this point.

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What Guys Said 1

  • You can't have an amicable anything with someone who's emotionally abusive. What you can have, however, is a breakup. Get on it.

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    • this is SO true! i am divorcing one now an emotionally abusive narcissist with a BAD temper and a bit of violence, but sadly towards the children and once to me. it sucks, and you gave super sound advice! there is NO nice way to do things with people like this. i am STILL being threatened and he KNOWS i have a lawyer and he called THERE with a menacing rude attitude with THEM, not me. i hope this lady takes your advice!!

What Girls Said 5

  • like everyone here is saying, leave his ass NOW. i didn't recognise these signs in my MARRIAGE. he was always accusing me of things i didn't say or do, belittling me at every turn. i felt worthless and low. i was isolated from friends and family. it NEVER gets better. be GLAD you saw this side of him NOW, instead of later. if he gets 'huffy' or threatens you in any way, document EVERYTHING, and get an order of protection if needed. what he showed you was the TIP of the iceberg. verbal hurts worse than ANY slap they can inflict. trust and bank on that! imagine how things COULD go, and run, far far away from this person. just let things die down and don't answer his texts anymore. it's safer and easier.

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  • Abused people typically turn into abusers. Just leave, get a restraining order if you have to. There is no way this can be amicable. Be open to moving if it's possible for you; he may try to retaliate in a way that will put you at risk.

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  • You could sit down with him and inform him you want to end things as it is not working out

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  • No you can't have an amicable break up cause he will not see it that way and its best you get away from him as soon as possible for your own mental health.

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  • I think the best thing to do is contact him and have a serious conversation with him. He has to understand how you are feeling and if he was and continues to justify his answer than he really isn't sorry. Break things off with him slowly

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