Did my ex blame me to make herself feel not guilty?

The ex broke up with me many months ago (at that point we were together for 2 years). She said it was because I didn't show a commitment to our future together. Part of this was true, when we first went out, I did a lot... and I just got caught up with the job stuff, trying to provide for a later future. She wanted to break up and I realized what I needed to do. However, it was too late. I found out on her phone she was cheating on me with a guy at work with kids. I remember earlier that she was going to a birthday party for the kids of one of her co-workers. I thought it was strange. They started hanging out here and there.

I confronted her about the texts (she was staying out late too so it was more than texts), she said we should break up because she was unfaithful... I asked if it was because of him, she said nothing is going to happen with him.

We broke up, later she moved in with him and got engaged.

It made me think about something similar with an old girlfriend. She cheated on me too with some hot rod dude and she pitched the blame on me, I was like, "WTF? Are you serious? I have been nothing been awesome to you." I guess the hot rod guy was just super exciting.

Is it common or do you think in this case my ex deflected the blame onto me for her not to feel guilty?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I can see why you are asking this question. It's almost like she hung around in your relationship, until she found someone who was willing to commit to the extent she was ready for (she's now living and engaged to the one she cheated on you with). Thing is, she felt your level of commitment in her time-frame was never going to match up (she voiced her concerns about her perceived inability to commitment on your part once BEFORE she started cheating with this co-worker, correct?). She was obviously ready to settle down and get married, and you were only just "realizing what you needed to do". The timing of her wants and your readiness just wasn't in-sync. That said, she should have broken up with you for THAT reason, not so she could continue the relationship with the guy she cheated on you with. It should never even have gotten to the point where she cheated because really, that became the reason. I think it is common, unfortunately, for both men and women to stay with a partner until they find someone new. And I do think it's common for the person who cheated and is leaving to try and make themselves feel better about having done it by finding a reason to justify themselves the way she did, "well you weren't ready to commit, so you lost me". Truth is, she just didn't love you enough to wait and grow with you until you were ready to move in, get engaged, etc. You didn't do anything wrong, she just wasn't the one you were meant to be with. I hope I helped, good luck to you!

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    • Folks say I dodged a bullet because of the cheating. Our timing was off, but that was about it. I always had a feeling like I was replaceable, like you could swap me out and swap someone else in. However, I do miss her and feel like I not only lost my lover, but my best friend in the world. It's very quiet and lonely right now. Sometimes when I fall asleep on the couch, I think I hear her coming through the door, but I know that's not happening.

      Sure, there were things I could have done better for our relationship that I didn't due (either inexperienced or cognition aware).

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    • Thanks for the nice comments. When I met my ex, I was 4-5 months out of my previous relationship, and I know I held back a bit. I wasn't completely ready, but I very much liked her. I was over my ex and didn't want to get with her, but I was still reluctant where I was. I had uncertainty about my career, how I wanted to achieve it. Which ultimately led to my ex losing.

    • What do you think about this new relationship? Do you think she's after a ring?

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • She mad have felt that way it gave her no right to cheat. I think she is putting the blame you to save herself

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    • I imagine I did wrong... Or was she just that attracted to that guy? I would say she has a history with people of things going wrong and her going, "I've done all I can do" it's up to them

    • She was just attracted to him

    • isn't that something that could fizzle out?

What Guys Said 2

  • People blame others to not take responsibility for their own lives. I have been guilty of this many times.

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    • I see... but you think that's it in this case?

    • Probably a bit of both, but it's hard to tell without every single detail. I still stand by my original statement, but I'm just doing surface psychology here. People aren't too incredibly complicated inside their animal minds.

  • Deflection pal

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    • Why do you think? She wanted this dude or she was actually fed up with the relationship?

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    • Before that, yeah, I dontknow, maybe she is constantly looking for something better... For a time I feel like she wanted to be mine. I know she wanted me to put a ring on her as she had family pressure to get married/have kids.

      Outside of this that sucked, she is a good person.

    • Get on to reading/watching the videos by coach Corey Wayne...
      He'll probably have all your answers

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