Blindsided by girl's claim that I don't care about her based on one event - was my behavior so unforgivable?

I had met this girl over Christmas break in another country. We kept in touch online, and it was going well in the beginning. She eventually got a part time contract job that required working long hours, and her temper became very fickle. She warned me that I should expect to be subject to this temper because she was having it rough. I told her I could talk to her when she needed to vent, but I'm not perfect and her lashing out led to a few arguments.

Then I got a job in that country, so we had planned to date more seriously once I got back. However, before that could happen, she decided to break things off.

One night, I was cooking for my friends, but I messed up and it took more time than expected. At 9 PM my time, she messaged me saying "definitely not my day, got into a car accident." I forgot about the time difference and thought it was something that happened earlier that day (it was morning; she was actually at the scene), so I assumed she was already safe (also, since she was okay to text). To comfort her, I said "oh no, are you okay?" I also told her I was cooking for my friends and that I'd be right back, and since all I had was my tablet (no computer or smartphone), there might be delays in my response time. I returned after half an hour, but she said nothing the rest of that night.

I asked her if she was mad the next day, she said no; when asked what happened, she said "it's okay, it doesn't matter anymore." She gave me the cold shoulder for four days, giving me short responses, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said she preferred if we just be friends. Her claim was that I cared less about her life than cooking for my friends and that I didn't worry about her like family (and claiming that she would "hurt her family" if she let me love her less than they did).

I apologized and explained, but she refused to listen. I was shocked. Was my behavior so unreasonable to warrant being written off so quickly?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • She overreacted like crazy. Also, I see red flags which suggests to me that you've had a lucky escape. I will list some of these red flags:

    °"She warned me that I should expect to be subject to this temper because she was having it rough". A lot of people have it rough. Most of us have to work and it's not always fun. However, taking it out on your partner (or anyone else) is just not on. To warn you that you will be "subject to this temper" is pathetic and ridiculous. You are not her doormat. If she already knows all of this, then maybe she should look for ways to learn to handle stress better.

    °"She gave me the cold shoulder for four days, giving me short responses". Again, you are not her doormat. It's incredibly childish to give someone the cold shoulder for four days and be a complete bitch about things. Normal people talk about their problems and try to find a solution. They don't sulk like some child who didn't get a chocolate bar in the supermarket.

    °"Her claim was that I cared less about her life than cooking for my friends and that I didn't worry about her like family". This one right there is perhaps the biggest red flag I can see. Does she expect you to drop everything for her? Does she realise you have your own life? Of course it's unfortunate she was in a car accident. But obviously it wasn't a bad one or how would she have messaged you then? Also, what could you possibly do from miles away? Aside from what you did (send a message). You even explained that you might take a while to answer and gave her an explanation. That is already more than most people would have done. You say you took 30 minutes to send the next message, which is really no time at all (even for someone who doesn't provide an explanation like you did). It really does seem like she expects you to be available 24/7. And the bit about you caring less about her life than your friends: MAJOR RED FLAG. (ran out of space, will continue)

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    • If you stayed with this girl and moved to her country, you'd not be allowed to meet up with anyone because she'd throw a fit. You would not be allowed to have any friends or hobbies, basically nothing that doesn't make her to center of your attention. Trust me, I know plenty of people like that. Be lucky that you've discovered what she's like relatively early on.

      I'm sorry to say but this girl sounds like she has a lot of mental issues. Not only does she have issues with her temper and has never learnt a healthy way to handle life and stress, but she is also an insecure control freak. I mean "and claiming that she would "hurt her family" if she let me love her less than they did". That's crazy talk!

      Consider yourself lucky that you got away from this. I know you miss her and like her, and when we like people, we cannot be objective about them. But trust me when I say that this is not a person you want in your life.

    • Thank you for your input (both parts) - it means a lot to me!

    • No problem :)

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What Girls Said 2

  • Well, as a person who'd been through long distance, I kind of get where she's coming from. Yes, it may seem like she over reacted and it may feel unfair of her to write you off like that, and you did have a valid reason of why you couldn't respond right on the spot. But think about how you didn't get the fact she was still at the car accident scene when she messaged you and she probably was scared, sad, hurt... you weren't able to grasp that at the point, the same applies to her. She couldn't imagine what was going on on your side, how you were struggling cooking for your friend. That doesn't mean she is an inconsiderate, nagging, needing person. It's just how we human sometimes fail to relate to what we don't know.
    And if you two were in the same country/city, one of you ran into an accident, the other didn't sound concern, and keep on cooking for friends... I would imagine you two are just acquaintances. And exactly because you two are not in the same city, it takes even more to show affection and care due to the absence of actual contact.
    Long distance is hard no matter how long the couple had dated before going into long distance. Not to mention, you guys started off the relationship as long distance. You couldn't be there while she needed you the most. She could be in a wheelchair right now and you wouldn't even now. All you know is what she's telling you. And I could imagine how vulnerable and hurt she felt when you didn't sound very worried. It's no one's fault, it is just the nature of long distance. It takes a lot of effort and determination on both sides to make it work. Hope this helps.

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    • Thank you for your input - I appreciate it!

      A few follow up comments:

      1) You say that all I know is what she's told me, and I agree - I'm no mind reader. As such, I have an issue with how she conveyed her message. It sounded casual, like someone bemoaning a bad day at work. Honestly, the way she said it, I was picturing just a dent in her car. In my opinion, if it were something serious, the message would have been far more grave. Also, she was well enough to pick up her phone and text - was it unreasonable to assume she was okay?

      2) You compared my misinterpretation to her refusal to see my perspective, citing both as failures to relate to the unknown. The issue is, eventually we both knew what had happened. I considered my behavior from her perspective and apologized, whereas she would only consider the situation entirely from her own perspective. To me, her approach seems self centered - if long distance requires effort, shouldn't that include some understanding on her part?

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    • Well, I certainly don't know about the situation between you two. I was only making assumptions. To me car accident sounds big. At least if my guy ever text me that, I would be worried, and basically he rarely text me at all, so texting me alone would be a big deal, lol
      On a more serious note, no one knows better than you about how you felt and how you want to be treated. If she makes you feel unappreciated, she's not the right one for you. I don't know her so I will shy away from criticizing her, but apparently she failed to keep you happy and thus I would say she wasn't a girl friend material for you. For the record, I forgave the guy who ignored me at ER and gave him another chance, but that is just me. I can't say that for everyone, most of my friends called me stupid and tried to stop me from getting back with him. As adults, we all have to make decisions and take risks on our own. I wish you all the best. Hope you will find someone truly worth of your love

    • I'm sorry that happened to you, and I think your boyfriend is very lucky to have a second chance.

      I don't mind her getting angry at me, just find her refusal to be understanding very hurtful. I've gotten into a serious car accident too, so I get it, they're scary. A friend was driving when our car got hit by a Greyhound bus, and we got knocked from the middle of the intersection to the sidewalk. The car had been smashed in on one side, a tire burst, and it was a miracle we were okay.

      After we did what we had to and got to safety, then I told my parents what had happened exactly and that we weren't hurt.

      But just "not my day, got into a car accident," with nothing further? I care about her, I do, but is it entirely inconceivable (just from your perspective) to see how even someone who cares could interpret her situation to not be something severe? To me, her response to her own accident was indifferent, as if she had just gotten a dent or a scratch, but she expected me to freak out.

  • No she just don't see why you couldn't text her but your excuse is valid.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Only to shallow people that feel the world should stop turning when they get a Bo Bo. Or have things happen that the rest of us call life

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