Divorce scares! Why is it so confusing?

My Husband and I have known each other since the 8th grade and have been married now for 4 years. We have 2 beautiful Children and a great all around family. The only problem is, I'm from a hard working "manly" family and am part owner of a very respected hard working Trucking Company & my husband has yes lived in the country but was raised by his very protective, emotional, loving, mother. My husband is a Great Dad and My Best Friend. However, when we fell in love we had NO responsibilities, we were free as anyone could be with an amazing free spirited group of friends. Now, 4 years later we have a beautiful home, family, and to some it up "responsibilities". I do well with those things because of my up bringing and from my years in the Marine Corps. My husband on the other hand does not. I feel like I need/want a man who can tell me what's wrong with my car, fix the gutters, build things, fix things, be "the man"... my husband is an emotional/loving Man, not a "fix it manly man" and I know that! That's why I fell in love with him! So why do I feel so... confused? Why do I want different now? I don't want to split up my family for my own wants... someone please give me your advice.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • "We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need." - Tyler Durden

    ( Insert 'society is turning its men into women' diatribe here. )

    But seriously, you're still thinking in terms of old gender roles. Society has empowered you to break away from that way of thinking and living. YOU be the one to fix the car and the gutters and so on. I'm sure on some level you have your hands full with your business; your husband should take on more responsibility for the sake of the family, but find things for him to do that he is relatively good at. Making dinner, the laundry, shopping, preparing gifts, driving the kids around to their events, going to parent-teacher conferences, etc... guys can do all those things too.

    If he's sitting around not contributing and resisting your efforts to give him a kick in the butt, that's one thing, but if you can divide responsibilities in a way that makes you as a UNIT better, then who is doing what actually shouldn't matter. That's the 21st Century way of thinking anyway; I'm not saying I necessarily buy into that completely, but there it is.

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    • I do agree, but, we've tried that as well and he then gets so depressed and down on himself and then pissed because he claims "he" needs to be "the man" of the house. So when the opportunity is given to him to do what society claims is "man's work" he doesn't do it :) that's why I'm so confused as to what to do

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What Guys Said 4

  • The guy that fixes your car might fix other ladies cars and get paid in kind.
    The guy that fixes the gutters might do the same for other ladies in the same way.
    The guy who builds things might build things for other ladies...
    Get what I'm saying?
    The guy who loves you will love only you because of who you are. He will love you because you are a good wife and a good mother.
    Make one mistake and it will haunt you forever.
    Stick with the guy and be thankful you have a loving caring man. There are many men who aren't.
    Take care and stay safe!!

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    • I do understand that. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with a man just because he can do those things. I love my husband and we have tons of fun together but when it comes down to being the "man" in the relationship, I don't want to be it! And he doesn't know really how to be it because he's never had a Man/Father figure in his life.

    • Maybe like others say, talk to him about it. But talk gently. There's nothing as bad as saying a guy is not a "man". Maybe you can teach him how to be? That in itself could open up whole new horizons for both of you. I remember something from my late father: Never go to sleep unless you make up after an argument. This could apply to you. If you discuss this and end up arguing, please make up before you sleep. The ghosts and ghouls of the night will make it all worse by the morning.

  • Dear girl, you sound like you have a lot to be thankful for, but your life is running into a few potholes. Wouldn't it be nice if our spouses were everything we fantasized about?
    I've been married nearly 40 years, and I know my wife used to do that to me. "Gary did this or that for Suzy". Or, "Jim did this for Janet, why can't you be like Jim?" It may not sound like much, but when you're on the receiving end of those remarks, it hurts! 😣
    You described your husband as being "My Best Friend". I hope that that will never change. Despite the annoyances you are dealing with you should still realize how fortunate you are. Perhaps you can ask him if he will try to do a few extra things around the house. He may never be a car mechanic, but even I can teach him how to clean and fix the gutters. Create a 'Goal' list for both of you and work together.

    How could a divorce even be considered? You're just exchanging one set of problems for another.

    You and your husband have much more to gain on bettering your relationship. Ask him kindly how much you need his help doing a few extra things. In a loving relationship you both could afford to make that effort.
    One thing at a time. Don't forget to thank each other on a daily basis for even the little things you both do. It isn't always easy, but it's worth the try.

    I've had to do it for 40 years, and sometimes humble pie doesn't taste so bad. 😊

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    • Thank You. I know divorce is a very strong & harsh way to think about it, but sometimes these and other problems get so bad (like now) that I feel all alone because all he says to me and the whole world is "I'm sorry I'm not good enough" "I'm sorry I'm not dependable" " I'm sorry I wear my emotions on my sleeves" and it's not even like that, I try to boost him up as much as I can but a person can only boost someone so much when the other person keeps beating himself down about everything! :( I know I'm rambling now, sorry :) don't mean to spill my life out there, I'm just, lost right now with this and the many other "addiction" problems we have right now.

    • Could he be suffering from depression? A doctor's visit would determine that. It's just not good enough to always say "I'm just not good at that". At some point he needs to shed the excuses and just go do it. His work doesn't have to be perfect, but you have to start somewhere.

      Just don't give up. You sound like an amazing woman. Kudos to you.

  • Have you tried expolaining to him how you feel?

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    • Yes, and he'll try to change. He'll try being more "manly" as he says. But his entire personlaity changes, he starts being mean instead of strong because he thinks that being strong is having confidence he thinks having confidence is just being an ass. I don't know, it's so hard

    • Well, @Asker You want to be careful not to emasculate him, because you're now asking him to be someone he never was. I understand he needs to share his load of responsibilities, but that can be in the form of helping out around the house doing things he knows how to do.

      If you love this man the way you said in your question, then try and focus on his strong suits and encourage him to help out with what he's good at. His alter ego he's now throwing at you is because he now thinks he has to act like a truck drivin' son of a gun or you'll leave him.

  • you say you are in love with your husband. Why would you need a man that can fix your car or etc? Just tell your husband that there is a problem with your car, and he can go and have your car repaired... You are weird to me.

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    • Because he doesn't. I'm the one that works on the cars, that cuts the grass, that fixes our fence that I've been asking him to fix for a year, to paint the shutters. I ask him to look at the car & a month later it's still acting the same way and he's like "oh, yeah, I forgot" or he'll lie and say that he did when I blankly see that he hasn't . That's what's so hard, I know he loves me unconditionally. But I'm the kind of girl that once to be outside working and fixing our house, and he wants to come home and not do a damn thing. Im not expecting everyone to be understanding or not rude but if you don't understand what I'm saying or have a positive outlook to say then don't freal in say it.

    • I understand what you mean. Just take him near you, and talk about this problem... You are the ones who can solve this problem. Wish you happiness. I hope you could get over this problem.

What Girls Said 2

  • Because needs change. You met in the 8th grade, that was a totally different time. The reasons why you fell in love with him then, are the reasons your marriage is struggling now. Because needs change! In the 8th grade you needed different things than you do now. I think you two need to have a serious conversation about this. My parents divorced because even though they had issues, they refused to talk about them or address them. They just put them off and that is the worst thing you can do. You need to address this issue ASAP, before it becomes a bigger problem than it already is. Marriage counseling would be a good idea. Good luck.

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  • He seems to be the love of your life. I think we all go through phases where we question our choices and as we age we think - maybe I want to go in the totally opposite direction - but these are fleeing thoughts. What is REAL is that he loves you, loves his children and is there for you. How he displays his masculinity is really an external detail - you need to look at him as a soul/human being you brought two beautiful children into existence with - and ask yourself - why would you want to destroy a beautiful bond when so many CHASE what you already have. Desire is a fickle thing. My advice would be to hold to the what sounds like the amazing family you have. Best of luck dear.

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