Staying friends but moving on?

This is sort of a complicated one. I had a relationship with a really good friend of 8 years which ended a few months ago. We did no contact for a month then met up and talked again, basically took us another month to work out that nothing more was going to happen and she then met someone else. She was the one who wanted the relationship to end and so I think I took it harder than her, but after the no contact and generally moving on with my life and work situation I was starting to feel ok again and seeing girls who I thought about asking out (I tend to take my time a bit). Anyway, after my first week in my new job I was feeling pretty good and she asked on Friday if I wanted to meet up for something to eat. I said yeh but I needed to do some stuff so went and did that. She then cancelled because she had work she needed to do that evening and was pressed for time- and I felt kind of bad all of a sudden. It was like a sense of powerlessness that just knocked the confidence that had built up in the week out of me- the new city, the new job and the sense that I could do it all was kind if gone and I was back focusing on her again.

Personally, I think it's because when this kind of thing happens, it makes me realise that she doesn't prioritise me as much anymore- even when we were friends before I can't really remember her cancelling on me, and because we don't get to see each other very much it's more significant now.

So my problem is I care about her, she cares about me, we like each other and have been building bridges again. I want her in my life and don't want us to drift apart BUT there's still a fair amount of hurt on my side and I want and need to move on and have the confidence to start a relationship with someone new. I like that she still gets in touch and wants to meet up but I don't want any negative aspects to affect me moving on and finding someone else- because that's really important to me and something I want.

Any thoughts?


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What Girls Said 1

  • I totally get you. Been there myself few days ago before I decided to end the friendship. It just doesn't work, friendship after relationship, or any type of contact at all. Because we, the dumpees, can get mixed signals and overthink things they say or do. If she really cared about you as you say, she wouldn't initiate any sort of contact and would remove herself from your life. All of this happens because you are used to her as a girlfriend, not as a friend. You still have feelings for her and that's why when she doesn't prioritize you it hurts you... I don't know why she broke up, but I suggest you move on. And by that I mean no contact, no friendship. I know it's hard but you're gonna feel relieved, trust me. I told my ex that I don't want to be in contact with him anymore and if I ever (in a far away future) get a desire to be just friends with I will reach out to him. And that he can contact me only if he change his mind about us... Just let it go, you will heal faster.

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    • I think you're sort of right (obviously it worked for you). For me I can't just let go of someone I've been that close to for so many years- the relationship was short compared to the friendship so it's not like that's all I know. We talked a lot afterwards and both agreed it was different, but after no contact we still wanted to see each other and I know she'd not do it to hurt me. I don't prioritise her as much either, so it's just the change that makes me sad, but I've known her as a friend for ages. I've realised that I do need to let go, not of her, but of my feelings for her- I want to meet someone else and have a close relationship with them, because this was my first and (as obvious as it sounds) it was really nice. I really appreciate your opinion but I think it's always best to listen to people and then try and come to your own. Hope that you're doing well with moving on, it's tough but at least you had what you did!

What Guys Said 1

  • Sir, you've been friendzone for 8 years, you was never in her priority, it is pretty just give and take friendship.

    Move on... It is over, no more friendship, no more chit chat.
    Yes, it hurts like hell.
    Yes, all those 8 years going down the drain.
    Cry all you want, scream all you want, be strong and move on.

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    • Appreciate your response but I'm afraid you're totally wrong. The reason the relationship never happened sooner was because of me, not her. I didn't feel the same way she did and generally didn't pick up on signals but I was very much her priority- she invited me to everything and made lots of time for me. I also don't see it as 8 years down the drain- not by any means, because we had a lot of fantastic times together and a really lovely friendship. My time shared with her has generally made me a more adventurous person and brought a lot of happiness into my life- it's very rarely that black and white. Also, speaking from personal experience (not just this example), 'the friendzone' is bullsh*t- we were friends, then we were in a relationship. It happens. I think it's more a case of us both knowing things have changed and treating it accordingly, while still caring about each other. Sorry for the lengthy response- I know it was a question, but I've had time to think about it!

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