Guys, is divorce the right thing to do? Are we doing the right thing ending our marriage?

This was a 10year marriage and he came home one day and said he was just not happy any more, but now he is sending mixed signals all the time. Says he still wants to be friends, etc.
My divorce will be final soon. I have accepted and moving on. Not saying it is not hard becuase it is a life changing thing. I just want to be sure it is the right thing for both of us. We have had to stay in contact some due to the proceedings and selling the house. The other night he called (when normally he would text) to ask a question about the house and we talked for 30mins.
I have been worried about some comments that are negative about himself and he has been drinking a lot and not sleeping well.
He still keeps my picture in his wallet and says he tries not to think about the good times we had.
This was a 10year marriage and he came home one day and said he was just not happy any more, but now he is sending mixed signals all the time. Says he still wants to be friends, etc.
Are we making the right choice to go our separate ways?


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12

Most Helpful Guy

  • Marriage requires two people who are both committed to making the marriage work. He has failed in that commitment to the marriage.

    Quite often, when one person comes home and says that they are unhappy and want a divorce, it means that they have been unfaithful and feel guilty about remaining in the marriage. You should ask him if he has been unfaithful. If the answer is yes, then you absolutely should proceed with a divorce, because you will never again be able to trust him.

    If he has not been unfaithful, then you could consider placing the divorce on hold. Ten years is a long time to have invested, but. . ..

    When he is with you, he feels badly and wants to get away. When he is away from you, he misses you and wants to be with you. This is called an approach/avoidance conflict and he has the potential to vacillate between wanting you and wanting divorce.

    Ask him, "If we put the divorce on hold and try to reconcile, what will happen that will make things work differently?" You also need to understand more about his unhappiness and you need some assurance that his unhappiness will be addressed.

    If you try to reconcile and nobody does anything to accomplish any changes, then the same old problem will happen again. Before you commit yourself to any efforts at reconciliation, you need to know that things will be different or you will be wasting your time. If he will not have this discussion openly and candidly, if you feel that you still don't have an understanding of what the problems are, then it is time to move on with your life.

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    • Unfaithfulness has been addressed and that is not it. I attempted to put it on hold in the beginning with no luck so I am not putting that out there again.
      I figure if he wants it to work he needs to figure out for himself what made him unhappy and then we can talk, until then I cannot do much to fix anything

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 11

  • With all the drinking and mixed signals, not sleeping well, the self loathing, and suddenly being unhappy, it sounds like he could possibly be depressed. Have you noticed any other symptoms that might be depression? Do you think he would be willing to talk to a shrink?

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    • I have seen other signs such as withdrawing from people that he is normally close to (family/friends etc) and only communicating with a few friends that are not the best influances, but that is not my call anymore. No he would not be willing to. I have asked him if he would like to talk to me but that was not an option at that time.

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    • And I did express my concerns to his dad (that is the only close family he has) and the only friend that I think would be postive influence on him right now. The other friends that I know are not going to be a good influence. I can try again

    • I think you should try everything you can. It really does sound like he needs help.

  • Basically he cam home and told you it was over. You tried to fix things and he would not have any of that. His friends treid to talk sense to him and he refused them. So you went ahead with numerous emotional and financial decision and started getting into the "single" mode. Now suddenly he is not sure and is putting you in a bind emotionally again. Don't put up with it. Otherwise this could go on forever and hurt worse each time. Move on.

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  • What do u think? he is drinking why? I think he still loves you.. but too stressed out and irritated to continue.. you guyz should just forget the past reassure each other for the future and go for a stroll in the park... and reunite... coz i think he still loves u a lot.. but doesn't has the courage to tell u maybe coz he us not able to let go off his ego/self respect guard... just remember even a strongest guy has a heart of a kid... somewhere inside... so just give it a try make him open up... hug him...

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    • Hugging him will definitely help..

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    • Has your ex or her ex wanted to get back together?
      I have been avoiding him all that I can but with the divorce and house selling we still have items we have to see/talk to each other about.

    • My ex wanted to date me again... she started behaving as if everything was back again... but now I didn't wanted it , what I had been through os something that I only I knew... so it did work for me... yeah I can understand must be heart breaking to see a house you guyz built together... go down piece by piece... stay strong... think of the people who are in more dark days than you are... really helps

  • It sounds like he wants what the beginning of the relationship was back. Divorce may not be the right choice here. Communication is key to fixing this. Ask him what caused the change and go from there. Something broke down in him and maybe it can fixed.

    Also sounds like he has some deep depression or other issues. His expression of unhappiness is a cry for help in that case.

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  • If you have to ask strangers online then the answer is probably no.

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    • But it was his choice to begin with and I am unsure how to get him to talk about it. I feel as if he is conflicted and unsure what to do. As I said I have accepted but do not want to us to make a mistake.

  • Why did you start divorce proceedings? How old are the children?

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    • There are no children luckily.
      He came home and said he was no longer happy. He is now sending mixed signals but I do not know how to get him to talk about it. I dont want to make a mistake, but this was his choice to begin with

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    • Honestly, I don't know what to recommend: I'm not in his head, nor in yours.

    • I just feel like it would push him further away from all the people that care about him and could make it worse. His friend has tried to reach out without luck before as well so I think he is just trying to back off and hope that he will come around. I just sit around and worry about him everyday and wonder when I am going to get a call that something bad has happened =(

  • im sorry nvr been married so not sure what too do

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  • Yes you are doing the right thing, there are 7 billion people in the world, no need for forgiveness.

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  • Don't divorce if it's just you who needs it. Go for it if he needs it or if both of you do.

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  • Why wasn't he happy when he came home? And it was building uo for a while I would guess. If you two wanted to it sounds like you could repair it. It takes work, more than many like to give it.

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    • I attempted at the start to see if we could repair it and he did not want to. Since then I backed away and only made contact when needed and let him know I was there as friend if needed. I figure if he wants to repair and work on things he would need to let me know.

    • That sounds right. Sorry to hear.

  • I haven't read but divorce is not a good thing.. Basically.

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