Should I stay... or should I go?

My ex broke up with me 8 months ago. He said he was unhappy in the relationship. We did have things to sort out - who doesn’t? But I believe he broke up with me because he wanted to be with someone he met a couple of months earlier (and started to see immediately after our break up). He took the easy way. I found out about this girl randomly… a cliché, I know.

I confronted him and he said he di not cheat... but it is hard to believe that there was not at least some emotional cheating. I felt so betrayed and hurt. He lied to me, and his behavior made me doubt about the whole relationship. I had no closure from him, and still wonder what really happened. He insisted on being friends, but I refused and went straight to NC, and I did not hear from him ever since. And I even moved to another city, miles away. It was an ugly break up.

A couple of weeks ago he broke NC. Apparently he believes I am back in town. No apologies, no mention of our break up. He is very kind and acts like nothing happened. He only asks me if I want back some stuff I left there. The thing is, we already discussed about this before NC! I clearly told him to keep it and do whatever he wanted with it, even trash it. Weird.

His email really messed me up. I feel much better, but I am not over him yet. And I do not know what to do! Why is he doing this? Is this email an excuse to reconnect? I want to reply, but I don’t want to reply. Replying would most likely hurt (unless he wants to talk and sort things out). But by not replying I would sound bitter... and I hate to show him I am still thinking of him when apparently he is happy with someone else. Replying would also feel awkward, as he probably still sees that girl (but I do not know for sure since I cut all lines of communication long ago).



Most Helpful Guy

  • Delete the email and move on. He seemed so sure of himself to insist the no contact protocol, it seems silly he's all of a sudden being Prince Charming. And, as you mentioned, all he's done is confuse you and twist your healing emotions around in a nice knot you now have to stress over. That doesn't seem very nice to me.

    Listen, I've done that before with someone, and years later I feel like an idiot. I'm only glad that woman had the sense to resist getting back with me, as it was all about me wanting to be in control, which I know now, but didn't seem to mind not worrying about what I had put her through, only to act like I was back and better than ever. Shame on me and shame on him.

    Maybe his intentions are good, but it's not worth it to get sucked back into his drama. As you suspected, he seemed to go from being unhappy to in a relationship with a familiar face in quite a hurry. Usually, when we love someone and are breaking up, we need to take some time to process things, but he sure didn't, and now he's wanting to be your buddy again.

    I can't tell you what to do, but I would strongly encourage you to stay on the track of getting over him, and if that means not reading his emails and deleting them or not answering his phone calls or text messages, then it's worth it for you in the long run to consider doing just that.

    • Right, he did not take any time to heal after the break up. A week? Which is unbelievable, because we were together almost three years and had important plans ahead.

      He was very secretive about his new relationship. When I found out a month after the break up he did not deny it, but did not talk about it either. What really hurt me is that he acted like nothing bad happened. He was happy and even offered me help and consolation (really?), while I was struggling to put the pieces of the puzzle together. He also seemed totally unaware of the consequences of his actions on my life... and I paid a very big price - I am still trying to get my life back. He is not a bad person, but he acted very impulsively, immature and selfish. Hearing him say "I hope you are doing great" after what he put me through, really upsets me!

      I agree, I should just ignore him. I believe we all make mistakes and deserve a second chance. But we have to earn it! Sending me an "empty" message is not the way to go.

    • Show All
    • I am so glad I did not reply to his email... I just found out he sent me that email a day before his girlfriend went on a short vacation with friends! She was out of town that weekend, perfect timing huh? So selfish! And I thought that was an excuse to get in touch... right. :(

    • You're among the smarter ones who know to trust their instincts and abide by them. I wonder what his new girlfriend would think had she known he was "getting in touch" with you. I'm sure that would make her overjoyed.

      Yep, you did well not giving into his bullshit and I'm proud of you for standing your ground. At least knowing this can make it easier to ignore him the next time he tries contacting you.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • There's no reason of going back.

    you're bitter not interested.

    there's nothing left to say but extending something going nowhere

    • I guess part of me still has hard times believing all this happened. I know what we had is gone: dreams, hopes, plans... I would not be able to forget the fact that he left me to pursue someone else. How cruel! But it is so hard to open my eyes and rewire my brain... The feelings I still have are for the guy I though he was, not the one I came to know recently! He made me believe that everything was fine, to suddenly do a 180 and move on so quickly, w/o even considering giving our relationship another chance or at least respect my feelings and stay single for a while... Funny this happened with a guy that told me often that I was the love of his life and the person he wanted to grow old with. I guess his new girlfriend was such a great catch that he could not afford to miss her, no matter the consequences of his actions on me! Part of me is so bitter, yes. I wish I could see him crawl back to me and then say what I think, at last. I hate myself for this!!! Better leave this behind and move on.

    • No. It's never easy to lose someone in general. It take some time to heal. But we have to embrace this is a new day and focus on ourselves.

      Try to be around friends who will make you laugh. Go for a walk. Cry. These are all healthy patterns

      You will be fine.

What Girls Said 2

  • Honestly, he likely is just trying to make peace with you. If you still feel too hurt to talk to him, just reaffirm he can do what he wants with your stuff and then never message him again. You don't owe him anything, you aren't together anymore.

    • He probably is. And he probably feels guilty and tries to amend the hurt he caused me being nice and showing me that he kept my stuff with care and is ready to return it - despite I told him he could do whatever he wanted with it. So perhaps sending him a very short email in response to his question would be a polite way to handle the situation. But you are right, I do not owe him anything.

  • He might just want you to take the stuff off his hands, or he's checking with you before he throws it out. I don't think he wants to reconnect. There's no reason for him to want to be antagonistic with you, but there's also no reason for him to fawn all over you either.

    • I agree. It is really hard to tell, it could be anything. Perhaps the best is to take it for what it is, without trying to read between the lines. He wants to make sure I don't want my stuff back before either throw it away or use it.

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