What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm 8 months out of a six year on and off relationship and I'm still not over it. I don't really know why though. Our relationship was like nothing I've ever experienced. Emotionally, it was toxic and draining. But the chemistry had no equal, literally. She's depressed, complicated, uppity, judge mental, and doesn't really care about other people's feelings. We broke up three times, she dumped me, came back each time running back into my arms saying she regretted it, and does it again. The last time we were together, I was In therapy and on three different kinds of meds and was as about as stressed out as one person can be. I became guarded and paranoid. When she left the last time, she left the state. Three months later she came crawling back and I decided to forgive her but this time I was still out dating. She found out and was furious with me. She amputated and forgot me. Nothing I did for her over all those years dcounted for shit, on top of the fact that she cheated on me too and told me it was a drunk mistake. I forgave her but she didn't forgive me. Now hear me out. It's been 8 months and I've dated a few people since then. I haven't found love or anything but I've gone around enough to be over it, and I'm not. I'm not a stalker or anything like that, but I did look at her YouTube channel the other day and she put up a few songs. They're the "I hate you but I love what you do to me songs." I don't know why if still be hung up on this. Do you think she misses me? Have I been forgotten just like that? I need some advice really bad.

Updates:
Also, she's reached out to me once every couple of months for random reasons. One time she said she missed me, and then disappeared. Then she said we couldn't be friends. Then asks for her things which I sent, then we started talking and getting along, then turns around and says we can't be friends. You think I'd be happy to have this person out of my life. She's an idiot, but she's my idiot, and I can live with that. But her silence speaks worlds and it's been a few months since I've hear anyth

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm going to give you advice and not necessarily what you want to hear, so here it goes:

    You need counseling in a really bad way. You also need this woman out of your life for good. You are both stuck in a co-dependant, toxic relationship that will continue to haunt you until you get some help in how to break the pattern of this kind of partnership. You can't let her go, and she can't let you go, so you'll spend several more years bullshitting one another until you or she meets someone else to attach onto.

    I'm not poking fun, either. But she's playing the victim card, always blaming you for everything she fucks up on, while you're enabling her shitty behavior by forgiving her and accepting her back into your life every time she manipulatively comes crawling back.

    Why do you want this person back? You said she's vindictive, toxic and draining. How in the hell is that fun or good for you? It's your life, so if that's what you like, then more power to you, but it sounds like a constant whirlwind of crap mixed in with a little bit of cinnamon sprinkles.

    I've been in relationships like this, and realized I was a.) attracting the same type of person over and over and b.) I was bringing myself with me to each and every shitty relationship. Only after I started learning I was as much of the problem and why I was attracting the people I was, could I start changing my pattern of behavior. I learned to love myself, recognize red flags and walk away from those red flags, even if I felt I really liked that person and was strongly attracted to them.

    Doing that became easier and my relationships improved greatly, making it possible to meet my wife who I'm very happy with.

    Like I said, if you can really live with the torment she assails you with, then why are you asking us for advice, because nothing we can say will help you.

    I do wish you the best of luck, but I hope you spend some time at least looking back at the shit and not just the good times, because after

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    • six years of trying and failing, I'm not sure there's a true pattern of long-term success in the future for the both of you.

    • I don't know why. That's why I'm asking. You're right. I need to see someone because I've been manipulated and mind fucked to no return.

    • Don't beat yourself up too badly. Many of us have been through hell with someone who put us through hell, but we were crazy in love with. I'm glad you didn't take my recommendation to consider counseling as an insult, because that's not how I meant it. I really think some therapy would give you a very good alternative perspective you could examine, which may be of some help in allowing you to find some peace and resolve with this person. She's not intentionally bad, she's just fucked up. We're all basically fucked up. No one tells us how to pick people and be in relationships, so we have to learn on our own. It's also hard to just walk away, but sometimes the pain is greater than the total good and it's necessary to do so.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Let her go. Even if you have to block her it's for the best. Relationships are supposed to add postitivity to your life not stress and negativity. I know it's scary and hard to shut her out but think of like pulling of a bandage. The faster you do it the sooner you'll start to feel better. You'll get there :)

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    • I'm really trying, but I can't seem to get her out of my head.

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    • Well don't waste time looking into what you could've, shoulda, woulda done. Just be like that phase of my life is over. Done.

    • You're right. I just need to find out how to get her out of my head.

  • Sounds like she misses you.

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    • Maybe. It's been over two months and haven't heard from her.

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