My boyfriend proposed... I said no... did I make the right choice?

I love my boyfriend, I want that to be clear! I didn't reject him because he wasn't good enough or yada yada, I'll explain everything.

Me and my boyfriend have a great relationship, but we've always had different opinions on pace and our future; he wanted to get married right away, begin a family, invest in a home, etc. I'm not even done school yet, I'll be graduating in a year, so that just isn't in the cards. He is super romantic, we barely fight, he's very helpful and supportive, I love him more than I've loved anybody. Seems like I have no reason to not marry him, right? Well... here's the thing: we've only been dating for 8 months.

We knew each other for about a year before we dated, and I honestly didn't intend to get into anything too serious, we just fell in love. Within 2 months he brought up marriage. I told him I wasn't going to consider marriage until I was done school and had a job. Well, he took me out to dinner and popped the question in front of some of our friends and my mom. My mom was so excited and everyone was cheering and watching us, and I just started to cry... but... not the GOOD cry, and he could tell. He asked me what was wrong and I said no and ran off to the bathroom.

He was hurt but I feel hurt too; we discussed this and he knew how I felt but he ignored it. I felt like he did it in front of everyone so I'd feel obligated to say yes. We had a huge fight about it and it ended with me kicking him out.

We are talking again but there's serious damage done. He said some horrible things and I did too. I am still standing by him not living with me for a while until things get worked out. So, my question is... was I right to say no? What would you have done? Am I even making the right decision right now


0|0
810

Most Helpful Guy

  • That took a lot of guts for you to be honest with him like that in front of people you are close to. I agree with others that he was calculative in putting you on the spot making it hard for you to say "no", which you did anyway. Good for you in not feeling compelled to say "yes" only to have to walk it back when you were in private, because he would have held that over you for a long time.

    I'm not sure if he was hard of hearing, but you clearly said you would consider marriage once you were finished with school, which is extremely mature and smart of you. Why in the F does he have to get married so soon? If you two are happy together, there's nothing wrong with maybe talking about it in the future as something fun to think about, but it seems like he's been pushing you into accepting something you've been very clear about not being ready for yet.

    The fact your inner voice of reason is reminding you of just how short a duration 8 months really is in the scope of things; especially when you are very young and have your entire life ahead of you shows very promising things are in store for you. As far as your ex goes, he seems to think knowing someone for a short while is a good enough reason to get married, thinking you'll be in love forever and all your problems will just disappear, living happily ever after watching the fire burn in the fireplace... Too bad he's not willing to consider the stresses of life after college, trying to raise kids and the other stresses of adulthood that make getting married young very difficult.

    Relationships can be hard enough, and acquiring new stresses you've never experienced before make young lovers reconsider their vows very quickly. Forever to an 18-year old seems doable, whereas to a 45-year old, we learn to take things one day at a time, knowing forever is about as assured as finding a close parking spot downtown during a special event.

    I t

    1|0
    0|0
    • This made me feel so much better.

    • Show All
    • I'll make a point to do that, thank you.

    • You're welcome. My wife had a really long relationship with a guy all through college, but she ended up breaking up with him because she found their ideas of which direction to go moving forward were quite different. She still loved him, but she had to do what was in her best interest, or she would have ended up being unhappy and felt she had settled instead of trusting her instincts and moving along the path she wanted to pursue.

      You don't have to stop loving him, but you also don't have to force yourself to be with someone with different ideals and goals. You're doing the right thing, and maybe you will work things out, but if they don't, I know you will be just fine.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 9

  • The guy sounds a little childish and has not a clue about marriage, just the concept of marriage. His playing the game of putting on a show in front of your friends only proves that he is not mature and has that "everybody" mentality.

    You are correct, the only thing he can offer you is a promise of poverty and a difficult life. You are in the age range where love is difficult to find given your body is pumping out hormones which makes a monkey look good.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 8 months is pretty soon, so don't blame yourself. People change in a relationship after a year, just tell him you need time

    1|0
    0|0
  • Wow, that's super messed. That's quite the dilemma. I guess the first question that you need to ask yourself is, do you see yourself married to him? If the answer is no then that's that. If the answer is yes, then you need to ask yourself how important is finishing school/getting a job before marriage to you? It doesn't appear to be all that important to him (8 months is a really short time!). I think you were wise to get space to think about this deeply.

    0|0
    0|0
    • It's extremely important that I finish school, I paid out of pocket for it and I barely make enough money to afford my apartment. He isn't even employed right now, we have no money for a wedding.

  • Well you did tell him that you weren't thinking of it until after school was finished and you had a job, plus only 8months in to me sounds like he's rushing this waaaaaay too fast.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Yeah believe me I made that point. I told him I felt like he didn't value my feelings. His excuse was: I love you more than anything though and you say the same, if you loved me you'd compromise. I don't see just agreeing with him as compromise. The waters ahead are super rocky...

    • Show All
    • @Asker - I wish you the best and hope for an outcome that you want.

    • Thank you.

  • I personally think you made the right decision based on that you want to finish school first. Also i dobt think its a good idea jumping into something if your mind heart and soul aren't in 100% agreement. sucks that he still proposed knowing what your stance is in marriage. I would have said no too if I was in that position.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Yeah I love him, but marriage is serious. We're both young and broke - I make enough to live and pay for my apartment... that's it. He's unemployed. I don't know where he thought we'd find the money to do any of this stuff...

    • Show All
    • I have a feeling that he might be afraid that I'll leave him one day or something.

    • so he may feel that marriage will keep you with him? Hopefully that's not the case

  • it is your choice. honestly marriage is a stupid idea. Its expensive and usually ends in a heated divorce. Its better to stay domestic partnership.

    0|0
    1|0
  • Yeah I'm sure it wasn't because he wasn't good enough

    0|0
    0|0
  • You should date him for at least 3 years before thinking about marriage.

    0|0
    0|0
  • He knew how you were feeling about it - that plus the fact that you've only been dating for 8 months should have been enough for him to understand, that at least he shouldn't be surprised by the outcome. Also, asking publicly during a dinner in everyones presence knowing very well what you thought about it seems disrespectful to me and a way to put pressure on you.

    The decision to kick him out may not have been the best tho, as it puts even more distance between the two of you. Still I can understand it since you're obviously in two different places in your lives, so perhaps you're not that perfect for each other after all? If you haven't even graduated school (and not even uni) that's where your focus should be and probably for him too. If you can find your way back together that's great and there's plenty of time to get married later, just be together and enjoy your time, _that's_ the most important, a good relationship is never defined by marital status. If you don't get back together then that's a shame but that's life, sometime we find out that the ones we are dating are not the one after all. (I've been there myself several times)

    0|1
    0|0
    • I kicked him out after a week of very verbally abusive fights. He isn't paying rent (he's unemployed) and I barely make enough money to live. I couldn't handle going to school, work, then coming home to fight with him... which is why I kicked him out. I agree with the rest of it.

    • Show All
    • Definitely. I'm not ready to be married either... given that I kicked him out... lol.

    • Nope, seems both of you are not ready. What he needs to understand if you're going to attempt to get back together is that the quality of a relatinship is not defined by marriage. Who you are and what you mean to each other is much more important. If you're going to pursuit this I'd consider writing a letter to him, explaining exactly how you feel. Letters can be a good thing to express yourself in the manner and pace that you need to say what you have to say and for him to read it in his own pace.

What Girls Said 8

  • Yes, you did the right thing. Of course he's upset, anyone would be. However, he knew how you felt about this issue and yet he proposed anyway. If you aren't ready for marriage then you just aren't ready and he shouldn't be pressuring you into something as serious as getting married. That's (in my opinion), a life-long commitment, it's something that you should be 110% sure about.

    All of that being said, I don't think this should be the end of your relationship. I think you should calmly talk to him about this and try to work things out. He obviously cares for you very much even though it may not seem like it judging by the way he proposed. But anyway, he likely only said those hurtful things out of anger and pain. Open and honest communication is the best thing right now. You should tell him that you just aren't ready for that next step but that you still want to be in a relationship with him.

    Over time, hopefully, things will get back to normal. The hurt feelings will diminish and you can have a healthy, successful relationship until you ARE ready for that next chapter in your life. Best of luck!

    1|1
    0|0
    • I hope so. Because right now we're really on the rocks.

    • Yeah, it might just take some time. It seems like everyone's feelings got hurt in this situation. So, let him take some time to think about it and then you can both talk about it and see where you want to go from here.

  • It's not like he's asking you to begin a family.

    If you love this man... and you are certain you want to spend the rest of your life with him, what difference would it make if you accepted the proposal now or later

    If you ask me, I think this has nothing to do with you wanting to finish school.
    I think you love him but I don't think you're ready to make such a huge commitment.
    Marriage changes everything.

    It's okay to want to take your time.
    What's a few more years in waiting, if you have a life time to spend with someone

    I'm not disagreeing with your view... but I don't really buy your reasons behind everything.

    It's not right that he tried to force marriage on you.
    If anything, he's going to cause a wedge in your relationship.
    You both need to sit down and once again have a serious talk with each other.
    Lay everything out on the table.
    So all is clear.

    0|0
    1|0
  • I stopped reading at eight months.

    Yes you did the right thing, you're still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. He's jumping ship to propose so early. You definitely did the right thing. For yourself and for him.

    1|0
    0|0
  • If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. Plain and simple. He knew that and still went ahead and proposed. Could you have had a better reaction? Sur. But he should've respected your wishes and not have done it to begin with.

    1|0
    0|0
    • You make a good point, I could have reacted better.

    • Right. I still don't blame you for saying no. Hopefully you guys can get past it. It's not like you said no indefinitely. Just not right now. He should respect that.

  • I think you did the right thing. I have known so many women get pressured into saying yes by a public display to only break things off down the line which is harder on the guy.

    You can't enter into something like that feeling it isn't right. You have to be both feet in. He knew you weren't and he shouldn't have proposed trying to rush you along. Also no fight and getting along doesn't equal meant to be. Sometimes it just equals apathy. When someone asks you to marry them there should be no hesitation or doubt. If it is the right person you will leap into their arms. Heck sometimes even if they aren't right people do so any hesitation is a non starter.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I won't you are wrong for saying no, because it's your choice whether or not you want to marry him. It seems like you love him and want more time until you make the decision of marrying him. You could have said that you want more time with him before marrying him instead of just saying "no" which kind of sounds harsh.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I know it was harsh but everyone was around celebrating like I was going to say yes. I was embarrassed so I started crying. It was all too much and I wasn't thinking rationally.

  • Your just not ready. He knew that. You had the talk of marriage. All he needs is to wait what 1.5 years. That's not much. Well come. I just had a talk with my guy about that too. He even 1-2yrs. So we are waiting. Not including we just called this this relationship after 4 mouths. Then I asked him what he thought about moving in my place by the new year. He says we'll see. Talking is everything. Ur man knew the deal. All you asked was to finish school then get a good job. After that he could of brought it up. So you acted on what you wanted. He was being selfish.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I am glad there's a woman who understands!

  • I Agree, you did the right thing. You should finish school first. He should wait for you as long as he knows that you are serious with him!

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...