Serious answers only. The husband who I love or the man I am IN LOVE with?

Serious answers only. This could affect my life and two men that I love. I've been married 13 years. I love the man I married, but am IN LOVE with another man who lives out of state. The man I LOVE will not be with me in any way, shape, or form unless I am unattached. Truthfully, I don't want to be alone, and I'm afraid to divorce and have that happen. I also don't want to hurt the man I'm married to, because he still loves me and I believe is IN LOVE with me. We don't have sexual relations anymore, and haven't in years. All I do is dream about the man I'm IN LOVE with, day and night. He consumes me. I feel my life is being wasted and that I should follow my heart, but there is a lot at stake. I'm scared to be out on my own again, mostly financially. Together me and my husband live comfortably. I'm scared to leave that situation. With the man I LOVE, there are no guarantees. I want to be with him, but I don't truly know if that will ever happen, even if I'm unattached. I'm scared and don't know what to do. We are all in our late 40's, so I feel like it's now or never - that I must choose a path to go down.

Updates:
thanks to all for the AWESOME advice... I'm still undecided... this is the hardest decision of my life...
PS. no, I didn't cheat on my husband, unless one considers being friends with the other man cheating

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You have probably heard all of your life here, dear: The grass isn't greener on the other side of th efence. I, for one, know this only too well. I married a man from Egypt and after returning to th estates, with the problems we had faced while I was living out there with him and his family, I decided one day to Explore the deep waters and ended up with a Coptic Christan living near to my house but He, in fact, was Not in my own heart like my own husband was. I risked it all, on a whim and a prayer, and today, my husband's family has disowned me and my husband, who will always love me unconditionally, is trying to find it in his heart to divorce me because I haven't been to visit him in a long while, nor have decided to live with him.
    Think it over carefully that you yourself may be treading high waters with a marriage and a guy whom you have known longer and the chance with this new romance that may not pan out and... in the end, you just may find yourself Completely alone.
    If you are having problems in your marriage or are not happy, maybe it is best to start with some guidance from another end who can best assist you both. And if you feel you really don't want to be with him and want to try this new venture out, then go for it, risk it all and let God guide you in what He feels is meant to be and best for you.
    Yes, you are right when you say there is 'A lot at stake.' Nothing in life is for sure but death and taxes.
    Good luck. xx

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    • Thank you, sweetie, for allowing me to share my own sad story... I knew the risk, took it anyway and now can tell others of it.:)) xxoo

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What Guys Said 5

  • Fortune favors the bold. Meaning nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will have to make a choice. I myself come down on the side of love, and the pursuit of it. And why live a lie or accept a half-measure of love by clinging to the idea that you're better off now? Clearly you realize you are lacking in the love dept. Do you really want to sell your life and heart that short? Not to mention the fact that you haven't even been physically intimate with your current partner for years. So it's not like you're doing anyone any favors by staying in an empty shell, which only one of you would likely call Love. So you are correct to realize you are indeed wasting your life. Fear of financial issues is no sound reason to avoid the adventure of a lifetime, or a new dawn, which is likely awaiting your arrival to share in it. Be fully Present in your life, not a ghost. You may only come around this way once. :)

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  • OMG. Listen, love or lust? Obviously you cheated on the husband. Sucks. You gave up your marriage. For what? sex? Some quick thrill.

    You are really making a bad choice. At 60, do you want to be calling up your husband and explaining to him that you were wrong? That you are so so sorry? That is what my ex wife does. She calls a few times a week. I rarely answer.

    There is more to marriage than what you are giving it. There is an old saying, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."

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  • The other guy is a maybe. You have 13 years with your husband and you love him. So many relationships like the new guy just go poof. Work on your marriage to make it better. Even it you leave him, chances are you won't be satisfied with the new guy either because you dont know how to get through the hard stuff. Good luck.

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  • So basically money or love.
    First, you know exactly that you should leave and give both your husband and yourself a chance for happiness, from what you wrote here about your marriage it doesn't seem like a happy one. Second, you are in charge of your own financial independence and not others. If you only stay because you will have to live off less money then you are deluding yourself and your husband. You are basically living in a lie. You are hurting people who trust you and want everything without putting in the work. It is very selfish of you. If you want to start over with this man, come clean with your husband, get a divorce, get your financial situation fixed and THEN you will be ready. For now you are like a child wanting everything at once.

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  • guess it's better to stay with yer husband... more stable... wot if one day, things go sour wid other guy?

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What Girls Said 1

  • If you stay with your husband you are only settling.
    Clearly you are unhappy and do not love him like you once did.

    Try to fix your marriage.
    Try to get into marriage counseling.

    You will always find yourself straying from your marriage if you leave the issues you both have unresolved.

    You have to fix what's broken In order to restore its proper function.
    Good luck !

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    • Outstanding answer. Your first sentence made me think you were about to suggest going with the other guy, but it was a set up for the following suggestions.

      Counseling from an expert often guides people to finding good solutions for themselves.

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