He left me because he wasn't ready for commitment, but now he's got a girlfriend. What's he thinking?

As the question says, my ex left me a few months ago after a two year relationship, saying he wasn't ready for commitment (we had a serious relationship, he really wanted to move out too), that he wanted to be single and wanted to sleep with other girls (he'd only slept with me). He often said I was the one, his soulmate, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We spoke about possibly trying again the future when he's ready to commit. I understood where he came from and I didn't really have a concern about him finding anyone else because he said he wanted to be single, but he's been dating his ex girlfriend (they dated years ago in high school) for less than a month now and it baffles me.

He's slept with other girls, but he gave the impression he wanted to be single for at least a year before settling down but now he's gone to his ex! I don't think he correctly dealt with his emotions during the break up so my only explanation for this is that he's using her for sexual and emotional support. He told me he missed me being there and him having someone to talk to, after the break up, so obviously emotional support was important to him. I don't think he could get sex anymore because rumours spread about him being small and shit in bed, so to avoid all those rumours, I think he's ran into this relationship.

So why would he say he's not ready for commitment/serious relationship and wanting to be single, but then get into a relationship a matter of months later? Is it a rebound?

Updates:
We haven't spoken for over a month now and we usually argued if we did talk. However, I found out through friends that he was actually keeping tabs on who I was seeing and sleeping with, openly talking about it and asking his friends about what I was doing.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Suffice to say, if he wants to sleep with other women, you're not his soul-mate. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think he's far too immature to make such statements. You're really fucking with the emotions of the person who you profess to love, for a start, by suggesting that you should wait to get back together. Not to mention the wretched wrench apart by breaking up in the first place, so you can stick your willy into a warm vagina and ejaculate. Sex without love is just totally physical and hollow. If you love a girl with all of your fibre, her happiness, and your selflessness in ensuring it, comes to the fore; and it's the most horrendous agony, to imagine the two of you apart. Needing to sleep with other women is just childish nonsense. He's keeping tabs on you, because naturally, a part of him still loves you, he's jealous and insecure. I know this sounds harsh, but I mean seriously. Fine, you could make a pragmatic pact to return to one another, should the time arise. But let's not romanticise the thing, and talk of soulmates, I beg you.

    As for this girl, again, it just sounds like more naivety. While one may plan to do one thing or another, the reality is, one tends to just muddle through, one can't plan what may come up; it's likely the two of them are a karmic match in some form. I don't think he knows what he wants, and there's a lot of tumult, it will take maybe a long time for the dust to settle, and for all to become clear.

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What Guys Said 10

  • He either lied to you or all this situation made him change his mind. Maybe he doesn't want to be with just one girl anymore, maybe he's using this girl he's with now. It's hard to say. I'd say that you should let this go, move on and try to look for a new guy, I don't think his actions were right and unfortunately I don't think they will be if you get back together one day.

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  • Either he missed what he thought he could do without, or he gave you a false explanation and simply wanted to get away from you.
    It's so silly by him that he's playing the detective and following you in an over-interested way. Maybe it's good that you're away from him...
    I'd say: try to find yourself a guy who's not just eager to go to bed with girls but who loves the person Hannah. Who I think is a nice girl who deserves a bit of luck and happyness :D

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  • You are having a bit of a rotten time at the mo Hannah from what i have read of your's recently I know its hard Hannah i hear relationship stuff like this a lot now in my job after but you deserve to be happy and with someone that will commit to you.

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  • Maybe he wanted to be with someone who wouldn't judge him, not spread rumors about him? He wanted to be polite, so told you it was just fear of commitment.

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    • I never spread rumours about him? The girls he slept with did.

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    • ahh okay that makes more since.

  • A 2 year relationship and he's "Not ready for commitment"? Please, don't kid yourself.

    Think about it, what would you think if a girlfriend told her boyfriend of 2 years "I'm not ready for a relationship"?

    It's common for people to go back with their exs, especially when current relationship fails. He might of been seeing his ex a couple weeks before ending it with you.

    I don't think it's a rebound.

    Did he contact you any time after the break up?

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    • He wasn't speaking to her and our relationship ended fairly abruptly, it wasn't failing.
      Yes, he wanted to be friends but I was too hurt to accept that.

  • is there any chance he'll get back 2 u?

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    • In what sense? I feel like he'll contact me eventually one day and that this is a rebound but I can't be sure. I think I pushed him away a lot after the break up though.

  • he is undecided and wants to give his ex a last ditch attempt if it don`t work out he will probably run back to you

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  • "why would he say he's not ready for commitment/serious relationship "

    Because he wasn't.

    "but then get into a relationship a matter of months later?"
    You don't know how serious their thing is. It's only been a few months. He was with you for 2 years.

    It's very likely he's got no interest in committing to her either.

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  • Go find someone who has a bigger dick

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  • He wasn't ready to commit to YOU.

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    • He seemed very ready to commit to me. He said I was the one, the best girlfriend he had, he constantly spoke about moving out together and spending his life with me. He knew we were getting serious, so he started thinking about his life, only ever sleeping with one girl.

    • Obviously he changed his mind. It sucks but people do that.

What Girls Said 7

  • Many of today's toms are sporadic, unpredictable and whenever cornered or feeling scared, grow cold duck feet When-------Not ready for commitment/serious relationship and wanting to be single again.
    And of course in your sticky situation, he ended up back into the arms of his "Ex" which now is putting a sour ball in your mouth and making you wonder if by taking up with the past, he saw qualities in her that may remind him of you and and along with her Own, makes it a perfect match for him and he is contented right now with this.
    He may have told her he wants to take things slow, not get right back into the saddle just yet. However, he can't be trusted now and you need to move on. He is no exception to my golden goose rule that even if he would return to you tomorrow, he might just go back into the murky waters again.
    If he does see qualities in her that remind him of you, then of course she could be a 'Rebound.' But he knew her from years ago and with finding things in her that she could have of you, he now can have his cake and eat it... Two.
    And who knows... he may have seen things in you that reminded him of her and for the moment, she is the one playing both parts. It kind of makes one wonder if you were not the Rebound then.
    Good luck. xx

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    • I know it wasn't a rebound for me. They dated like 3 months in high school, several years before he met me and we were together for 2 years, very serious about each other and in love.

    • I know not a Rebound for you but him finding you may have been his rebound because if you say he loved her and they were serious, he never really got over her. Now that he has found her again, he may have realized he still loves her and has found even some qualities in her that remind him of you some so he can have the whole package in One now... xx

  • you know, this is of those complicated emotional and sexual situations where the man is confused about his desires and emotions. You are obviously not confused about yours that even when he talks about breaking up for a period and having sex with others you tolerate.

    He is confused. he doesn't know what he wants and you should understand that as soon as he says "I'm not ready for commitment".
    The truth about men is that they don't really 'need' to have sex with different people. nobody, no single person needs that.

    Every man who says I want to have sex with different girls like some undone job he has to do is still that teenage boy who hasn't solved this complex in his mind about sex that teenagers especially teenagers of culture of porn and promiscuity of today develop, valuing and feeling accomplished with having sex with 1000 woman.

    The truth of it is everybody needs emotional bound to a degree and sexual satisfaction. and settling down with someone you feel 'love' for is the only best and easiest way to have both unlimited. But some men especially young boys with some complexes about sex want to show they can do better being single. they don't.

    They only group of men whose word about 'doing better single' is true are the 35+ men who are financially stable and are in broken marriages. not anyone else. and even those men would do better marrying or having a long term relationship with another woman again.

    So I don't know what to really recommend but I could say although you love him you cannot trust his word about a stable relationship.
    I don't say leave him, I don't say kill any feelings for him. But he has some problems with himself. If you can help him understand those issues and solve them then it's good.

    If you couldn't, even if he comes back how can you be sure he doesn't repeat the same thing again?

    And if he's starting a real relationship with that girl then it's even deeper.

    In the end I would say care and love people as long as you don't destroy yourself.

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    • So do you think, when he's older, he'll regret quitting our relationship when he's discovered who he is?

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    • Yeah, I keep getting this strong feeling that he'll eventually feel stupid and come back with his tail between his legs, even if it's far ahead in the future, most likely when I find someone else. I said he'd regret it and he said "maybe I will but I'll board that train when it comes". He told me he had moved on, that he didn't love me any more but I think it was just another way to hurt me or make me leave him alone and when it worked, he ran to his ex because I wasn't giving him any attention. He knew he had me to fall back on but when I disappeared, he had to go to anyone who'd give him the time of day.

    • yah. I can see how it is.

      when he is obviously telling all of these I think it is better to slowly train your mind to stop thinking about him. I say slowly because I know when you love someone deeply the effects can’t go away in a short time.

      in your case he is hurting you on purpose. and he left you. but your own love and past memories are putting you in that state of 'waiting' for something to happen.

      give yourself a little time to forget. still there might be some moments and memories that you will never forget, but you can eventually get over them. and build something new and much better with your experience.

  • was he small and shit in bed?

    Likely, he felt torn between still have feelings for her, and what he felt for you.

    and, was afraid to be honest with you about it.

    That.. or being single really wasn't working, and he wasn't prepared to come crawling back to you.. so he crawled back to her.. (or maybe she did the crawling?)

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    • I thought he was fine and of course, I loved him so I didn't care but some girls can be really picky.
      All he ever said about her was that she was his most attractive ex. To my knowledge, they never spoke when we were together and I never got the impression he had feelings for her. They broke up like 3-4 years before. He gave the impression his feelings were very strong for me, saying I was his soul mate, he'd never felt so strongly for anyone before etc. Literally months before he left, he was very excited about moving out and we put a time on when we would.
      Your last sentence makes more sense tbh. I think he chased after her. He's completely changed in appearance and behaviour since the break up. That was another thing, he didn't really know who he was or his identity. He was kind of having a teenage life crisis so now he's a lot different to the guy I dated.

    • He got with her a couple of weeks after I completely stopped talking to him. I think he expected me to contact him like I had been for months trying everything to get him back and when I didn't, he had to go get attention from someone else I guess. He still has our pictures on his Facebook and his posts are always tagging her in things, something he never did with me over the two years we were together. He rarely went online so I feel like it's to rub it in my face.

  • It must not have been the commitment then...

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    • We had some difficulties near the end but I think the idea of only sleeping with me after we'd spoken about it was dwelling on him and whilst I was trying to get us on track again, he just gave up, didn't try and left. I do believe that was the main reason for why he left, and that he's using his ex for superficial needs.

  • You are young. A few years later, this relationship won't take as much thought as of now. You will find someone even better and much mature to be with.

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  • Because he thought it would be an easier more polite explanation then "you're not the one, I was wrong to think you were, I'm changing and so are you and we don't fit together anymore." Maybe he just didn't want to fight. Probably.

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  • He wanted something else and was trying not to hurt you.

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