Please do not judge me

Please do not judge me as you are not going to have all of the facts since its too long to post. I have been married 5 years to a man who could care less about our relationship. He works hard, but, I may as well be a piece of furniture. I begun marriage counseling by myself since he won't go, during counseling, my ex boyfriend came up. Due to guilt I have held onto for years about cheating on him when we were teenagers. Anyway, she suggested I contact him and finally apologize. This is where things get shady. I contact him and I am met with great enthusiasm. We do a few emails of catching up and he gives me his number and asks me to call him. A couple weeks later I do. When we talk, he is mean, and tells me, "he never forgets anything" and I decide to hangup the phone. He says,"I'll never hear from you again, will I?" I feel guilty and decide to contact him again, he tells me that he still has a ring I gave him in his dresser drawer and all the pictures of us. He is very pleasant and does not want to get off the phone with me, but, I hangup. I text him a few times after this, all jokes, its fun, he tells me to call him whenever and that his phone is always on. My birthday comes and it is a disaster, I leave the house to get some air. Call him and ask to meet him to vent. He comes right away. We sit and talk, I get excited and touch his arm, he jumps up and will not sit the rest of the time. He just paces. After an hour, I left. I start to have mixed feelings about speaking with him because of my husband. I try to talk with my husband and tell him that him and I have problems that we really need to work on because things are starting to get real bad. My husband says that we have no problems and we are fine. We get in a fight and he throws something at me. I tell him I want to separate, it's not the first time he's done something like this, he says no. Next, I go out get drunk and text the ex I have feelings for him. He says he has none for me. A few weeks go by and I tell him I still want to be friends, I was drunk and being stupid. This leads to him telling me that, he hasn't had a relationship in 5 years, all the girls he's been with have cheated on him and he has trust issues. He tells me that he thought I was his soul mate before we broke up and that every relationship he's had since me he has compared to what we had and it never pans out. After that things get weird. I get emotional and start text-stalking him, trying to get him to open up and the more I do that, he avoids me. Unless I tell him I don't think we should talk anymore, then he answers. I finally apologize for this and we have a nice conversation, he starts talking about girls he finds attractive and what he used to like that I wore when we were together. Anyway, I ask him what kind of friends he wants to be with me and he says, not too close, not too distant, in the middle. what is going on with him and my husband?


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  • I think you are lonely and unhappy and using this ex boyfriend to boost what self esteem you have left from a marriage gone wrong.

    Harsh sounding words but wake up before you turn a few crazy weeks into a life altering mistake.

    You need to decide if you actually want to save your maariage or if it has run its course. If you love your husband and want to work things out then try a new tactic.Instead of waiting for him to make you feel good or to take notice of you go and find ways of doing that for yourself. Do you have any girlfreinds or family memebrs you could spend time with? Take up a new hobby or activity. It will do 2 things - one give you some confidence back and a confident woman is way more attractive than a clingy angry needy one. Two maybe your husband may look round and wonder where the "furniture" went :) If you need to explain or vent your feelings do it on paper . Write a letter to your husband - it will give you space to organise your thoughts without being angry or combative. and remember to tell him you love him ( if that's true) don't just list what's wrong in your marriage.

    As for your ex what are you trying to acheive here? Closure? well you have done more than enough for that you don't need to stay in touch if that's all you needed. Or maybe you just like the idea that someone loves you (you must be feeling pretty down right now and your exes attention must feel so nice). If that's the case ask yourself how fair you are being to either your husband or your ex. If you love your husband you are emotionally cheating on him with another man ( would you be Ok with him being this close to an ex of his?) and in this case you are simply using your ex for completely selfish reasons- does he deserve to be hurt again just because you are going through a tough time? If that's what's happening you need to gently disentangle yourself from your ex before it goes too far.

    If you actually think that your marriage is over and its your ex you want then surely your husband has the right to know the truth? Even if you don't love him he is entitled to your respect. Tell him the truth - move out and take time to look at yourself before jumping into another relationship. If your ex cares for you and you do for him then you can each wait long enough to do the right thing by your husband. A new relationship built on cheating /lies and someone elses unhappiness is bound to fail particulalrly if your new man already has trust issues.

    Take responsibility for your actions and stop using others as an emotional blanket...do you wnat to look in the mirror and see an adulteress or emotional manipulator or do you wnat to see a strong caring responsible woman who has done her best to hold true to her marriage vows and who has dome what was right not what was easy?

    Good luck

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  • him and your husband? They talked? you never mentioned that...

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    • No, they never talked. Sorry. I meant why won't my husband work on our marriage and why won't my ex be straight with me

    • Your ex it makes sense. He doesn't want to get hurt by you again. AND your telling him you have feelings for him while married?!?! That has to scare the sh*t out of him! Buy your husband, just sounds lazy and selfish.

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