I cheated. now what?

I cheated on my Girlfriend last month with some girl. It happened a few diff times. I've never cheated before. Now I feel awful,I did when it was happening to but everyday it gets worse. I love my girlfriend a lot and I want to tell her but if I do she will dump me. She already has a past with guys that cheated on her and if she knows I did it'll crush her and no doubt be the end of us. I wanna be with her but I don't know if can keep this from her forever. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her but I can't stand the guilt.

Updates:
I cheated cause at first I was mad,drunk and horny,than I just got greedy and stupid. It doesn't matter why, there's no good excuse for cheating.
I do love her and I don't want to move on to someone else. Just because I messed up and cheated doesn't mean I don't love her.
I'm not a constant cheater nor do I want to be. I'm also not a jerk. I'm so good to her and this is a big F'k up I know,but that should define a whole relationship? How does the whole relationship become a lie?
I was going to tell her last nite but I couldn't she broke down over other stuff and than made me feel worse by telling me how much she cares&needs me.I know it selfish but I don't want to hurt her,Not telling her keeps us happy.
The few diff times was with the same girl,not that it matters. I went and told her even though I shouldn't of. I feel worse than before and so does she of course. Ill probably never get to be with her again even if I apologize for the next year.
I did tell her, she dumped me right away,but after a week of pleading she's at least left the door open for me. I'm doing what I can to get her back and I learned my lesson. Just thought id put some closure if any1 wanted to know what happened.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Either you keep it to yourself and deal with the guilt.. or you tell her the truth.. imagine if it was her doing this to u? Hiding it, or would cover up & lie about it. You make mistakes in life & you learn from it!

    I have more respect for a man telling me the truth that he made a mistake & saying that he is sorry.

    Than a man who hides it or would lie about it.

    Im not saying ur a Jerk or a constant cheater or anything like that.. You just messed up big time! And I agree too there is no good excuse for cheating. She deserves to know the truth, seriously! The guilt & emotions will change you in a way.. & It will affect the relationship. Maybe you will act different, you will not notice yourself but she will. And also the truth comes out sooner or later. If you don't tell her now & work from there.. try to make the relationship work then it will bite you in da ass later. I have been in a situation like this before but I guess every situation is a little different.

    If not telling her... Then my suggestion is that you don't mention it to anyone & keep it to yourself! Or you go talk to some pro about it like a psycologist.

    Im 99.9% sure about that the right thing to do is telling her the truth...

    Wish you all the best =]

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 41

  • I think you're a pretty horrible and disgusting person. Thank God for karma because you'll get yours. Its people like you that make others have trust issues and fear relationships and getting hurt. If you really and truly love the girl the you wouldn't have done those things. Because when you really truly love someone the last thing you wanna do is hurt them. And you just seem to do it over and over. Its funny that you claim you aren't a constant cheater because you are. you said it has happened "a few times". That makes you a habitual cheater. You're also a jerk. You're just in denial about it. Its like a serial killer that has murdered 20 people saying "i'm really not a bad person." You need to tell her the truth. You owe her that much. And after that it is her decision if she still actually wants to be with you. She deserves the right to know what's going on and decide weather or not to move to someone better or try and work it out with you. Because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and if she finds out from someone else then its your ass.

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  • depends how you cheated. IF my boyfriend had sex with another girl, it's over once the act was committed and I wouldn't give him a chance. IF he just kissed another girl, I'd put him on a probationary period or just leave him because idk, depends on how long I was with him but I would have made it clear I don't tolerate that Bullcrap from anyone and his ass is out my door if he cheats. I'm sorry.

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  • ok first off, if you cheat you don't love her enough to stay away from the temptations sorry but that's not true. Plus youve done it a "few different times" suggests that you really don't care about her feelings. do her a favor and break up with her, you can make up a lie, or tell her the truth that girl doesn't deserve to be with another one of you.

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  • ok reading through some of the other comments and I wanna ask something.

    yes you did a stupid thing you cheated on ur girlfriend knowing she has trust issues from past relationships now I'm not calling you a jerk but the only person ur thinking about at this minute is ur feelings how You feel guilty well I'm sorry this in not about you now.

    and FYI if you loved someone you would NOT cheat and not telling ur girlfriend what you did is selfish and causes even more dishonesty in the relationship when there is all ready some there.

    you have to ask yourself one question and be completly honest with yourself and with your answer if your girlfriend cheated on you would you not want to know and how would you feel.

    it's so easy for me to say all this as I've never cheated on anyone in my life and would never do so but it's not just men that cheat as women can be just as bad as men.

    like I said before I never once called you a jerk but keeping this from her is a bad idea you want your relationship to last and that won't happen if there is guilt from you as it will eat away at you and you will end up telling her but months down the line like someone else said it wasn't so much the cheating that hurt her it was the lieing that killed the relationship.

    just think very carefully before you do anything.

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  • you need to tell her otherwise your whole relationship will be a lie. Tell her and she may hate you or she may not, either way she will respect you for being decent enough to tell her the truth. think if it were reversed, wouldn't you want her to tell you?

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  • I don't mean to sound judgmental but maybe you can answer a question for me?

    if you love your girlfriend as much as you say you do then why cheat in the first place?

    and please don't say it just happened.

    if you feel guilty now imagine how Ur gonna feel couple of mothns down the line cause this will eat away at you until you tell her.

    be a man tell her the truth it's the least you can do!

    like I said I really don't mean for this to sound like I'm being judgmental but I've been cheated on in the past and I never found out until a year and a half down the line and I can tell you it felt like the whole relationship was a lie and I can tell you now Ur girlfriend will end up feeling like that if you don't say something.

    who knows she might forgive you but then she might not but you have to suffer the consequences to Ur actions.

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  • because a relationship is built on trust. I'm only saying your relationship would be a lie if you didn't tell her...because it would be...

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  • If you do honestly care about her, you will have the guts to tell her the truth and take the consequences accordingly. By cheating, you put yourself in a place in the relationship where anything could happen, and by the sounds of it she doesn't deserve what happening to her. You need to tell her and be honest, she could even get an STD and find out anyway that you weren't honest. You may still have a change (like 1%) of staying together if you told her everything honestly. Good luck.

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  • This is nothing but a lie, I wouldn't doubt that if you don't tell her, she may find out a different way. Maybe not now but some where down the line. Then you are a liar and a cheat. The longer you take the more she will know that she can't trust you when you finally do tell her or she finally finds out. Plus you said it happened a few different times. Maybe she deserves someone who will treat her right. If you do stay with her, I hope you make it up to her till she feels that you have gained her trust bad, and never do it again, no matter how angry or whatever other excuse you have. If you can't give her that, you don't deserve her.

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  • You can't blame her for ending it and if you truly cared about her, no matter how much it hurts, you would want her to be happy with someone who would treat her better. You don't deserve her. Let it go.

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  • My boyfriend cheated on me when we first started dating, he told me himself about a month after it happened. Of course when he told me I was devastated because I really liked him. I broke up with him. But then I started thinking, I understand that it's easy to be unfaithful in the beginning of a relationship and I really respected and appreciated that he cared about me enough to tell me himself. So I gave him another chance. We ended up dating for about two years. If he hadn't told me himself, I would have never dated him again. Bottom line, If you care about her, which you do or you wouldn't be feeling guilty, you need to tell her.

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  • I'm sorry to be so blunt but if you really loved her you wouldn't have cheated. Before you talk to her abut anything you have to be honest with yourself. Is this the relationship you want to be in?

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    • Exactly! Like why is he in a commitment relationship in the first place? :S

  • you shoild tell her, if she really loves you she will accept it. but if she's smart she will NNOT allow it to happen again. its easy for me to be like " she should dump you jerk ! "

    but realistically yu should be upfront and honest and let her know these things you posted up ther. but yu CANNOT do it again. you CANNOT ! I'm not taking anyones side here. but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. bbut do it again and you really are a (bad name here)...

    good luck

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    • I won't be I've learned my lesson

  • You have to check with yourself and see if you really love this girl. If it is really love, honestly, you wouldn't have cheated. But you NEED to tell her. It's not good for you or her. Yeah, it's going to break her heart but she deserves to know. Just think about how you would feel if she had done it to you. How would you feel?

    You have to accept that she is going to be mad and except that she's going to feel that you are just like those other guys that cheated on her. BUT if she really loves you she will forgive you...not right away, so give her time.

    AND let her know that you are there for her...try as hard as you can to let her know that you will never do it again and you desperately want a second chance. Even if she acts mad at you because if she loves you she wants you to beg for her lol. She wants you to that you feel bad (as horrible as that sounds)

    Good luck and I hope things work out for you :)

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  • Oh wow. I admire your decision. I wish you luck; whether you remain with her or not.

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  • Tell her. You owe it to her. If you lose her that's YOUR punishment for f*cking up. Why should she stay in the dark, because your afraid of the consequence of your actions. You were greedy once, Don't be again.

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  • that's not a good enough reason not to tell her because she will find out in the end secrets have way's of comming out when you least expect them too and when she dose fine out it's gonna be a whole lot worse.

    when you say not telling her keeps us happy don't you mean it keeps you happy? this is not about you this is about the woman you say you love yet you cheated that still doesn't make sense to me if you love her so much then why the hell did you cheat.

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    • Im not happy about it. I'm happy 2b with her. I'm all she has maybe I'm a jerk maybe I'm not that bad. Telling her is the right thing,but its also gonna make her feel worse than I feel. Contrary to this I'm the best guy she's had,if she knows I cheated then I'm worse than ever1 else. She expects better from me because I was better. If she knows I'm not, yes its the end of us. she's been through enough and in a way she needs to know I'm different even if I'm not. its 1 lie a big 1 yea but its my burden.

    • Your right it is ur burden and I just hope that you can live with the desicion cause it's not gonna be easy yes you made a mistake guess what ur human and ur not perfect but I hope for both ur sakes she never ever finds out later down the line cause then the situation will be 100 times worse.

      good luck.

  • what I see is that you answered your own question. Another thing is that if I were you I wouldn't drink when your mad because it will lead to more problems. Why not just tell her that you have something to say and that you convince her of how strong you feel about her and say like what you said here and tell her the truth (maybe like why you are mad or whatever). She will have to choose if she wants to stay or go. If you keep holding the truth then either the guilt or your trust between you guys will make it unbearable.

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  • I feel bad for that girl that not only did you cheat but you don't love her enough to tell her you did, IF you really DO love her then tell her so she's not wasting her time with someone who's been to irreponsible to cheat on them like that. :(

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  • if you really loved her you wouldn't have cheated on her I mean yea I happens but there is controll you should have told the other girls just to back down and you were with some one so if you really do still love her don't tell her but still if you wanted to keep her you shouldnt have cheated in the first place you should have though ahead

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  • If you really love her. You'd come clean. If your girl cheated how would you handle it ? I always say. If a guy loves me. They would'nt cheat...

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  • Ok, first thing, you have to tell her. If you love her the way you say you do, she deserves to know..And if she loves you, she might forgive you. She might not. But, a relationship with lies is just a ship sinking. She will eventually find out..Wouldnt you rather tell her and she hear it from you or someone else?

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  • I hope she doesn't get back with you.

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  • dang well Your Loss dude; you should have never done that, just tell her, would you like being kept a lie from?

    the truth hurts; but at the end what's meant to be there happens.

    Be honest.

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  • am sure she will leave you if you told her.

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  • OHH NO PLAYA PLAYA

    SHE ANT EVA TAKIN YO ASS BACK

    BEAIN DRUNK OR HIGH DOESN'T MATTER

    IF You REALLY LOVED HER You WOULDN'T CHEATED ON HER

    WID DA TRAMP IN DA FIRST PLACE

    THATS LIFE SO DEAL WID IT

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  • don't you think that a girl with already such a broken heart deserves a little better?

    you son of a b word.

    dollface-86 couldn't have said it better.

    I hope you like to dance- cause boy, you're doing the jerk.

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  • your a faggot and you will be labeled as one and a cheater no one will ever trust you and will never be in love again you piece of sh*t why would you cheat on your girlfriend if you really loved her? you didn't really love her did you you just wanted some ass and you cheated on her because you wanted to have an excuse for your problems your a selfish bastard she shouldnt take you back I would never and id never talk to you again what needs to happen is you need to get cheated on over and over and over and over again so it hurts even more every time so you can come on here and post sh*t like "i got cheated on. now what?" and I can laugh in your face over and over and over again and make you cry you little bitch I hope you stay single for life and I hope you get some vicious disease so no one sleeps with you ever again hahaha that'd be great id be the one laughing at you :)

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    • Thanks for your encouraging words,but I'm not your ex who sounds like he cheated on you and you probably forgave him instead of saying all that to his face. I accepted what I did instead of denying it and tried to make it right. Yeah it didn't work but I'm not out screwing anything with legs. I'm still disease free and seeing someone new and I won't cheat on her,but you were right I'm still selfish but I'm working on that.

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    • Im well aware of how awful I am. yea I guess I was weak immature and selfish I just wasn't thinking about her or us. Now its all I think about and how Id do anything to change it. If the guy that cheated on you was truly sorry there's really nothing he could do to get you back? I'm not a cheater anymore I was a cheater but I really learned my lesson.

    • Do you not realize people like you leave good guys with bad reputations? or that people like you make women afraid to ever give anyone their trust again? do you not realize that? how about you try to think about what she is going through right now, still. it may not seem like she's hurting but she still is its going to be in the back of her mind for the rest of her life every time she gets with another man she'll being worrying if he's going to cheat on her do you know why? because of you. happy?

  • i hope you die.

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  • I think its great that you told her. It shows you're maturity and remorse, and if you're in love, it can be worked though.

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What Guys Said 18

  • Heh, I have to disagree with most of the answers here. Your reasons for cheating are irrelevant, as long as you don't plan on doing it again.. and if you don't plan on doing it again, telling her is in no way a good thing. Best case scenario, she hates you, doesn't trust you, and will hold it against you for the rest of your life. Worst case? She hates you, doesn't trust you, and leaves you.

    I don't think a small incident is of any consequence if it's no longer an issue. An example -- prison. Some people think prisons are for punishment, others for rehabilitation. If you think punishment, tell her. If you think rehab, don't. It's really that simple. If you've entered the metaphorical prison and reached the place where you'll no longer commit that metaphorical crime again.. what point is there to staying in prison? At that point it simply becomes punishment. Punishment doesn't help anyone.. it just ruins lives for the sake of vengeance.

    People love to say "Be a man, fess up!", and "You have to tell her!". Well, being a man has nothing to do with this, and you DON'T have to tell her. They say that you can't cheat if you "truly" love someone; that is BS and we all know it. xD Stuff happens, stupid stuff for stupid reasons.. but it doesn't invalidate everything else in your life any more than dropping a winning pass invalidates a successful career in football. And of course, how could I miss the old "She has a right to know.", and "You NEED to tell her.. it's not good for her (not to know)." Ask yourself, are you making her happy by telling her? No. Are you in any way improving her life by telling her? No. You're depriving her of happiness by exposing a meaningless truth. You cannot excuse a selfish act (cheating) with another selfish act (confessing to rid yourself of guilt). At this point, YOU are the only one suffering. That is how it should be. It is, as I mentioned, incredibly selfish for you to spread that suffering.. it is your burden to carry. So carry it. Make up for your failure by never doing it again. Move on, be better.

    You can't change the past, but you can make a better future. Of course, all of this hinges on whether or not you can keep this to yourself. If you can't hold onto a secret, you're screwed.. 'cause you'll tell her at some point and she'll leave you in a self-righteous huff, oblivious to your remorse and declared intention to never do it again. If you can keep the secret, do it. Keep quiet and give her the guy that she wants, the guy that you no doubt want to be. This isn't the popular choice, it's the loving choice.

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    • Totally agree with this guy

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    • I couldn't have said it better myself

    • if he doesn't tell her he'll be living a lie and so will she. he'll be pretending everything is fine and he's still a loyal and trustworthy person and she'll be blindly believing that they're monogamous. if you don't tell her, what does that say about you? it says that you're comfortable misrepresenting yourself.

  • if your getting the urge to tell on your self and your will power is slipping don't if anything get religous talk to GOD ask him to forgive you and all your sins are washed away right and we all know only good can judge you so stick to it. and for everyone who wants to say its wrong "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and that applies to her too. you don't need her to forgive you if god has...

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  • You f***ed up man, it will never be the same. You got 2 options...

    A: Fess up, appologize and hope she accepts it.

    B: Fess up and get dumped.

    Hopefully you will learn how easy it is to f*** up a good thing. She is gunna be p*ssed though. Cheating is sooo wrong dude, just never do it again.

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    • Well. you need to be honest & explain how sorry you really are.

    • That never works. If you broke their trust by cheating, then why would they believe anything you say? Even if they say they believe you, deep down they really don't and probably never will. It almost always ends badly. Trust me.

  • just face it dude you want the relationship to end and the girl your cheating with mesns more than you say. one girl three times means something so does cheating three times. You are either A a lifelong cheater or B discontented. Either way you need to get out of the relationship you are in and get your sh*t together. You are out of in now good for you she made up your mind for you now be a man and don't try to get her back because once you do your gonna do the same sh*t again.

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  • So you told your girl and you feel worse? Well you're supposed to. I know you said you're a good guy and you love her, but that cheating was a dumb move. I don't give a damn how nice you are, cheating is a deal breaker for a lot of people. If my girlfriend cheated on me, we would be done. She better move heaven and hell to make sure that I never find out we are done. Sure, you was dumb as hell and it was a mistake, but you have to pay for mistakes.

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  • Learn from the lesson don't do it again and never ever ever tell her if you want to be with her. If you aren't willing to take it to the grave then tell her. She will leave you. I would not want to stay with a girl if I cheated on he though. Not if there wan't kids involved.

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  • Well first off I'm not going to tell you that you f'ed up, you've been told that enough by yourself and everyone else here. Instead I'm going to offer you some advice. Firstly the best thing to do at the moment is to tell her that you have cheated, and to try and try to work past it and. Rebuild the relationship. When starting to tell her try and sit her down and ask her if you can tell her something without being fully mad.

    No matter what her answer is tell her anyway because the longer you take to tell her the worse the situation will grow when you finally do decide to tell her. Now a couple of things can happen depending on her answer and how the situation is handled. You can either end up breaking up ( I know not really something that you want to see, but its already a viable answer and the worse so its beest to get it out of the way early). You can end up going on a break (which is not the end of the world, it only is if you over react to the situation and yell. If you do think the situation is going to grow worse than taking a break then its best to suggest if first, since it woll most likely cause a yes.).

    You can be alright all together and not break up and go on a break, but given this you should know that her ultimate opinion of you at least at the time being will be altered and shifted towards what are you doing wrong. If this is the case then you should do what your gonna have to do in every situation, just be there and really show her that you care, and when I say this I don't mean it lightly. You actually have to be genually there for her. Do this and mean it and things are sure to be better, but you have to know nothing changes over night so just wait patiently if you really do care for her and time will make it better. Hope this helps you and I hope that things work out with you and you significant other.

    ~-Rob Tay-~

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  • If you truly love her, you must let her know what happened. Will you break up? I'm not sure. But she deserves the truth and your honesty. Do not keep this from her.

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  • Reading about the way you feel, it seems you really love your girlfriend and your "cheating" was a stupid act. I am sure you have no feelings for that girl.

    You have to get over your guilt feelings which is affecting your current relationship. Urgently seek psychological counselling. Tell your girlfriend that you are seeking counselling for anxiety (which is true).

    It is a very delicate situation. Tread very carefully.

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  • well.. if you have ever seen Dane Cook's Vicious Circle I believe he said "One time I was walking down the street, and they asked me to take a picture of them, after I took the picture I asked him hoe he did it for so long and he said, 'Cheeeaaattt' " sometimes you don't need to tell her but maybe tell a friend or go confess and a catholic church (even if your not catholic, it's a way of getting it out) or.. if you did it recently tell her wuick and maybe she will like that you were truthful instead of her finding out.

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  • If you truly love her, tell her. It will be hard, but tell her in full honesty, and tell her that you will do whatever it takes to make it up to her. If she were to find out from someone other than you, it would be terrible. with telling her, it may strengthen your relationship if she accepts your apology. But as with all relationships, you need to take risks.

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  • Dude you messed up! You missed a true oppertunity to play it pimp. When she broke down telling you she needs you, THAT is when you should have told her! Tell her that you f***ed other women, but she is so low and needy that she would forgive you and won't walk away.

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  • if you really love her, then you need to tell her the truth.

    if its meant to be then you will both work through it, if not then, not to sound like an asshole but maybe you will learn a lesson from the experience.

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  • Tell her, don't try to bury it.

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    • The relationship becomes a lie because you're disrespecting her rights. In this case you did something wrong, which she should be informed about and should have the ability to make a decision based on that.

  • Denyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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  • Here's a perpsective that many might not have considered. Although I'm probably about to get blasted.

    Every girlfriend I had, either I cheated her she cheated and things got ugly. I guess that's what happens at partying colleges. Anyways, every time that I did, I ALWAYS told the girl immediately afterward. And usually it involved sex.

    However, I'm in a new relationship and it's the best I've ever felt about a girl. We've been planning futures together for the super super long term. However it's still young and I cheated on her when I was drunk and all I ended up doing was making out. Obviously when I woke up and I was sober I felt terrible and I was at that crossroad not to tell or not to tell. It was weird because when I went out that night, I wholeheartedly didn't want to hook up with anybody.

    I have decided not to tell because it wasn't that serious physically, and it would only make me feel better. I am the person who has to deal with the guilt and the burden. Because I'm usually so honest it truly hurts deeply knowing that you hurt someone. However, I have decided that this is something that I will take with me to the grave. There's no way she can find out because she's in another country.

    Overall, this occurrence has taught me that I love her so much that I shall be the one to bear the guilt. A good future can be built. Obviously there is no excuse for cheating, however this event has left me so dumbfounded that I could NEVER see myself cheating on her again. So maybe it's good it was just kissing.

    Yeah if I loved her I wouldn't have cheated, blah blah. That's what everyone says. Have you ever lied to your parents because you love them too much. Maybe I'm protecting her or myself, but really something great can happen but either way I'm dealing with the risk. But I'm okay with living with the guilt, because it has only made me into a better person and helps me to appreciate her more.

    I mean what if our relationship ended up having kids, and a super bright future and she NEVER knew. The relationship isn't a "lie". You can't tell me I don't love her. I'm just not a perfect human being and I f***ed up.

    I think what separates this situation is that it's the first girl I really cared about, and I don't plan on doing it again, and if I do, then I'll know I have a problem. Because to be honest, when I had girls I felt less in love with before, I just told them knowing they could break up with me.

    Therefore my answer is: it just depends! but yes usually you want to tell them haaa

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  • if you loved her you would not have cheated man simple as that no excuses

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  • There is something missing in your relationship. You may not even know what it is. Whatever it is, if you don't know what it is then you're with the wrong person. If you do know what it is, then can your current relationship provide it? Is the relationship worth preserving with never having whatever is missing.

    I know a lot of people would tell her, but that's not the issue at hand. I would suggest not telling her. It will only hurt her more. I would also suggest to seperate from each other for at least 6 months. Perhaps it will give you time to think. You may find that you want to go back to her, you may find that you want someone else. 6 months is a short amount of time in your life time. Build your character during this time. Let her do the same without you.

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