What does he want from me? Why am I doing this to myself?!

Even though my ex and I broke up, we still talk and hang out. But it stays platonic, harmless flirting if we're drinking. Honestly, if he never tried so hard to keep in contact with me when he ended things, we probably wouldn't be as close as we are now.

We were hanging out together with my friends after a party, and he was going to leave so we were outside saying goodbye. He kept turning back to look at me as he walked away, and something about the expression on my face made him come back to me. He tried to get me to talk about what was wrong and what I wanted. Eventually I told him I couldn't handle us being how we were before (after we broke up, we still made out a couple of times when we were drunk...and it recently happened again), but I didn't know what I wanted. When I asked him, he said he didn’t know so he'd leave it up to me. Which sounds like he just wants to hookup, but wants me to say it so he doesn’t seem like a jerk. Right?! He said he didn't want to take advantage of me (he sobered up but didn’t know how sober I was) even though I wanted him to stay over (not for sex...I'm still a virgin). He ended up just kissing me and leaving, after admitting that he wanted to stay, too, but shouldn't. But he still kept looking back. He texted me the next day, but it didn’t turn into a real conversation.

How do I know if he's just physically attracted to me? Or actually has feelings for me? Apparently at the party he was following me around a lot. My friends think he still likes me just by the way he is around me. And now I'm reading into everything he does because I've been getting so many mixed signals. He's changed a lot since we broke up -- in a good way. But now I don't know what he's thinking at all. I told him awhile ago that I'd never go back to him. And I know he already feels like he doesn’t deserve me anyway. And he told me once that he knows he hurt me too much to ever suggest anything. So now I’m stuck. I don't know what to do. And I don't know what to think.



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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Well why did you break up in the first place? If this is a guy that you will never go back to, then why allow yourself to be in the situation you are in? In most opposite sex friendships, someone is going to like someone. Even though the two of you broke up, he still wants you. It'll be hard to just be friends when that's all you want and he want's something more. There will always be that uneasy tension in the air. It might be best that you don't hang with your ex so often. Especially when it comes to the two of you drinking together. He's probably getting mixed signals and thinking that since you're choosing to be around him so much, and because you've made out a few times, that you must have feelings for him also.

    • He broke up with me because he didn't like me as much anymore. The whole no strings attached was driving me crazy so I stopped that. Then we mostly talked when he wanted to (I didn't make much of an effort to remain friends). I thought he wanted another chance because he kept trying to hang out with me. He told me later he thought I wanted space from him. (He didn't give me any tho!) When he had a girlfriend & knew it hurt me because I liked him, he kept talking to me. Then one day he told me they broke up.

What Girls Said 1

  • I was in a similar situation a while ago where my ex and I were still hanging out and there was a lot of lingering feelings still there. I think you really just need to evaluate the relationship and figure out exactly what you want and take it from there. Why did you break up, and why did you say you would never go back to him? If there are some major reasons for this, is it possible that they would happen again if you got back together? Or has he changed that much that you think these things would no longer be an issue?

    Reading your post, to me it sounds as if he is still interested, but whether it is that he still cares about having a relationship, a hookup, or if it is just convenience, is hard to tell. If you keep analyzing everything, it seems as though you still have feelings for him. I would suggest thinking hard about whether you truly want to be with him, and if you do, you need to talk with him and figure out what he wants. If he gives you the same "i don't know" or says he just wants to be friends again, then I think you may be better off to cut the ties completely. As hard as it may be, in my experience it is better than constantly wondering what if.

    • [continued from comment to Professor_Zoom] I said I'd never go back because he was so indecisive about how he felt about me, and it hurt that bad to have him walk away. When I say he's changed, I mean he's matured a lot. He's less selfish & more considerate and focused. We've gotten to know each other a lot better. (I didn't know him on that deep a personal level before.) But I've been so adamant about just being friends, and I told him I didn't wanna date anyone. But I do still have feelings.

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